For permission to use a quote email us with the name of the document/publication in which it will appear. Free permission is always granted—with the proviso that you credit Kerrith H. (Kerry) King, Dear Gabby, or Community Communications.

1. When you discover someone has deceived you, that they have withheld a significant thought from you, it's a reminder that you are the source of the dishonesty in the relationship—because, you'll notice that you began the deceit by withholding something significant from them at the very beginning, probably when you first met, or during the first date—there are no exceptions to this entanglement phenomenon. Withholders always attract withholders.
   
   
2. The way to complete your addiction to yelling, to raising your voice in anger, is to acknowledge soonest to the recipient that you know you were abusive. Done consistently you will eventually find yourself having a choice—to abuse or not. Conversely, the way to support a partner in completing his/her addiction to verbal abuse is to insist that they verbally acknowledge each instance of abuse. I.e. You: That didn't feel good." Partner: "Yah, I got it." To let an abuse slide is to cause more.
   
   
3. It doesn't work to give advice unless you know that the person will take it—else, you'll fail as an advice-giver but succeed as an enabler.
   
   
4. Under the reasons is the truth of what the cheating was about—it's never ever what either partner say was his/her reason; dragging such a lie into the next relationship guarantees more deceit.
   
   
5. Supporting someone in lying about the cause of the failure of a previous relationship ensures that there will be little or no joy in the new relationship. I.e. "He left me." "She cheated on me." "He was abusive." —are all blame statements.
   
   
6. If you don't like your partner's ex, never having met him/her, then you have supported blaming and badmouthing.
   
   
7. When the person who conducts a job interview (the Interviewer) doesn't do complete work, when he/she doesn't catch the incompletes (lies, omissions & inaccuracies) on the Job Application Form, the applicant intuitively knows that the company will accept typical high-school performance. To remain employed an Interviewer has no choice other than to mirror the integrity of their boss.
   
   
8. Addiction to abuse—to abusing and intending to be abused—is as debilitating as any drug.
   
   
9. Acknowledging someone completes the relationship (for that moment) after which one immediately recreates a new relationship with the same/new agreed upon agreements. I.e. Infidelity or drugs means immediate uncontested divorce.
   
   
10. Withholders (those who withhold certain thoughts from their partner) cause their partner to withhold their thoughts of choice from them.
    
    
11. Cheaters attract and mirror cheaters; there are no exceptions to this entanglement phenomenon.
    
    
12. Most high school principals have yet to master having (causing) all their teachers hand in the various daily, weekly, and monthly reports—completely filled in, neatly, accurately, and on time.
    
    
13. A spouse who causes their partner to cheat on them (to deceive them) will always find that they had deceived a parent and have yet to verbally acknowledge that deceit to the parent.
    
    
14. Children lie and grass is green; they lie until they have no need to do so. Making grass wrong, punishing it for being green, is not very masterful; what's worse, with lying, it causes (yes causes) more lying. Acknowledging a lie (without make-wrong or punishment) completes the experience.
    
    
15. Children need to experience that they inspire love between parents, when they fail it wreaks havoc with their growth-compass, their confidence; their leadership-communication model is missing the successes that would empower them in positively affecting all relationships and outcomes—for life.
    
    
16. Spanking is what a parent resorts to when he/she has lost their ability to produce a desired behavior lovingly through verbal communication; specifically, when the parent has lapsed into doing an imitation of communication with his/her partner.
    
    
17. All breakdowns in communication between two can be traced to one of these six variables < https://www.comcom121.org/breakdowns.htm >.
    
    
18. Given a choice, all other qualifications being equal, few would choose a brain surgeon who is cheating on his/her spouse; why then should we risk the karmic possibilities (however real or remote) of undesirable consequences for dishonesty/infidelity of our country's leaders?
    
    
19. The partner who fails to insist upon acknowledging/clearing an abusive interaction through to mutual satisfaction becomes the cause for all successive abuses.
    
    
20. We are always manifesting our intentions; most of the time we are not aware of our intentions and so we are surprised when we see what our leadership-communication skills have produced.
    
    
21. Until one cleans up life's perpetrations, all communication breakdowns, to include broken agreements, are a consequence of either one's integrity or his/her communication-skills. Once one's integrity has been restored then a broken agreement is solely a communication problem, not a communication and/or an integrity problem.
    
    
22. If you attend a friend's wedding and you know there is deception between the bride and the groom, or between either of them and another, or their parents, then you are condoning (supporting) deception, in which case their relationship cannot expand and grow—in part because friendship with you does not inspire honesty.
    
    
23. All relationships that fail do so in part because both partners withheld his/her thought of choice at the very beginning. There are no exceptions to this phenomenon. "Thought of choice" means, I'll withhold any thought I want, for a reason, which automatically causes you (gives you permission) to withhold whatever thought you want—say for instance, that you've had lingering thoughts about finding a store clerk attractive. In an open and honest relationship all thoughts are shared verbally, especially the ones the mind thinks would be better, safer, less hurtful/upsetting, to withhold.
    
    
24. It's impossible for your relationship with your partner to grow and expand if you are hiding your thought of choice (it's called deceit). Your partner may start out open and honest but by the time you are through with them you will have trained him/her to hide their thoughts of choice from you.
    
    
25. You cannot both create and sustain an experience of love, happiness, and prosperity in a space occupied by deceit.
    
    
26. If you are not experiencing the experience of joyous love with your partner, then you are withholding thoughts from him/her.
    
    
27. Arrogance is thinking you can create and sustain the experience of love and happiness without cleaning up your childhood abuses, lies and deceits; such arrogance begs to be humbled. Google "Conversations in Support of Health".
    
    
28. People with unacknowledged deceptions attract others who have the same stuff going on; it's partly why they can’t see it in others.
    
    
29. There can be no experience of joyous love when there is no experience of respect. Concept of love, yes, experience, no.
     
30. In a relationship in which there is an experience of communication (open, honest, and spontaneous, zero thoughts withheld) it is virtually impossible for one partner to have persistent preoccupying thoughts about a third person except that those thoughts are shared openly and therefore nipped in the bud.
    
    
31. Ironically, suppressed gossip (gossip communicated non-verbally, such as a negative judgment) has the same detrimental, more-of-the-same, effects as does irresponsible verbal gossip.
    
    
32. Most all abuse addicts intend that their abusive partner acts nicely at first.
    
    
33. All deceitful teen sex is a consequence of a breakdown in communication within the family, there are no exceptions to this phenomenon. Typically, the parents who taught the teen to lie blame the teen for the breakdown.
    
    
34. In a marriage it works to communicate, if not up front, then right now today, "Can we agree that cheating is tantamount to effecting a divorce? I will not grant a second chance on this issue. Is this absolutely clear?" If your partner senses you are lying, that you will not effect an immediate divorce, they'll get it. In other words, if you lie to them, (if you don't really mean that you will divorce them) you will discover your lie. A fidelity agreement not communicated clearly and verbally like this communicates (implies) that you will (as President Clinton knew Hillary would) tolerate and "forgive" cheating. It also implies that you reserve the option to cheat and that you assume they will give you a second chance. This unconscious implied reserved option is partly why most people don't include the consequences of cheating in their marriage vows.
    
    
35. Senators T. Kennedy (MA), Brooke (MA), Craig (ID), Edwards (NC), Ensign (NV), Vitter (LA), McCain (AZ), Stanley (TN), Baucus (MT), Hart (CO), Packwood (OR), Miller (OH), and their spouses, revealed their ignorance of personal integrity as one of the variables affecting outcomes and goals.
    
    
36. Here's what I recommend be included in a marriage vow: "A measure of my commitment to you is to be faithful. To be unfaithful, to consciously choose to abuse you, would immediately annul this marriage and forfeit my option to sue for children, alimony, or jointly held possessions."
    
    
37. If as a teen you conned another to take care of you (to marry you) so that you didn't have to study and have a career to fall back on, then you have created disrespect and resentment; at some level your user disrespects him/herself for using you rather than supporting you in being a confident independent thinker; as with abuse, a partner resents you because you're not stopping him/her from still abusing/using you.
     
    
38. If you don't train your spouse to acknowledge each and every condescending "dig" especially the supposedly humorous ones) then you are unconsciously masterminding a divorce; you have been collecting upsets, withholds, and resentments to bring up during "The Last Straw" incident.
    
    
39. Children are extremely susceptible to the vibrations of a parent with integrity issues. Not unlike a magnet next to a compass, the child has no choice other than to go off course. In lay terms: Confusing non-verbal unpleasant vibrations between parents cause a child to lose control of their directions/choices; the child experiences fear and uncertainty (Will they eventually treat me as they are treating each other?). A child has yet to learn how to blame (so as to dilute, deny, or side-step fear) so their fear is pure experiential fear without thoughts to explain what's truly going on.
    
    
40. A person who is whole and complete simply doesn't attract or date someone stuck in abuse—therefore, to date an abuser is to unconsciously intend the abuse to satisfy your addiction, to get your daily fix of abuse.
    
    
41. The majority of women are addicted to being condescended to; therefore they have no choice other than to attract and marry someone who will treat them as did their parents.
     
    
42. A person who has the time and energy, coupled with an imagined need for frequent sex, has yet to find/create his/her purpose in life.
    
    
43. If your partner is failing in one or more areas of life, if they are opting for unethical or unhealthy choices, then it has to do with your leadership-communication skills, your conscious or unconscious intentions; what will cause them to continue failing is for you to feel badly for having masterminded this result. Instead, acknowledge the effectiveness of your intentions (however unconscious they may have been.)
    
    
44. Sex without conscious breathing is high school sex and is as far from true intercourse as talking is from communicating.
    
    
45. A child may never consciously give a divorced parent permission to date again based upon the fact that the parent is still using the leadership-communication skills that caused the divorce.
    
    
46. The leadership-communication skills it takes a divorced parent to be the space for their children to process their grief and to enroll them in support of the mother or father dating again are the exact same skills it will take to effect a successful new relationship.
    
    
47. A divorced parent must have their child's approval for dating again; a child must be introduced before the first kiss (upfront before attachment sets in) to each new date and approve of him/her. I.e. "Do you like him/her?" Most importantly, the parent must honor their child's intuition.
    
    
48. Parents who hypocritically "teach" truth-telling while hiding their own teen-perpetrations from their teen, train their teen to be deceptive. It's virtually impossible for a child to be as "good" as they believe their parent was as a child.
    
    
49. It could be said that anyone who cons a leader into cheating on his/her spouse is a traitor to their community, state, and country; a con knows the correlation between deceit and outcomes and so the consequences of premeditated deceit are compounded. (I.e. Paula Broadwell and General Petraeus (Afghanistan Commander and CIA leader).
    
    
50. We unconsciously create breakdowns and thwartings (including "accidents") to remind us that we are out-integrity (not whole, not complete), that we are dragging around remnants of prior incidents, interactions or conversations.
    
    
51. With spousal abuse there are no "victims" or "bullies" only consenting sparring partners.
    
    
52. We accumulate so many unacknowledged perpetrations that we don't associate a malfunctioning car, a headache, an "accident," or another's abusive broken agreement with us, as an indicator of any single specific out-integrity of our own.
    
    
Quotes for teens:


53. The most inconsiderate gift to give a date is to introduce them to your dysfunctional family; to do so causes the date to compromise his/her integrity (to non-verbally support abuse) just to spend time with you. Mo betta to announce at the very beginning that you have estranged yourself from your dysfunctional family until they have completed x-hrs. of therapy.
    
    
54. Conning a girl into having sex, knowing full well it would upset her father, is as detrimental to your health as is smoking. Your integrity will set up life for you to get acknowledged) for the perpetration (always when you get things going well.) I.e. You'll never be sure if a failed job interview, a broken agreement, or a health problem has to do with your out-integrity.
    
55. Supporting a girl in deceiving both sets of parents so as to have sex reveals that there are disrespects you have of her that have not been verbally communicated to her. 
    
    
56. Conning a boy into repeatedly asking (begging) for sex is unethical. A "No" communicated gets gotten and transforms the relationship. A No "said," but not meant (not communicated), is a con, a lie. A lie (or deceit between you and your parents) creates consequences such as an "accidental" pregnancy, or deceptions later in the relationship.
    
    
57. Teens thinking of having sex must share such thoughts with both sets of parents, else the professed love is not love. Love cannot exist in a space occupied by deception.
    
    Quotes from the Spouse Abuse Tutorial
    
    
58. Google the word "abuse" and it presently (6/10/21) brings up about 1,130,000,000 references. What's interesting is that no two of the web sites that offer abuse support, education, or help, have the same definition of the word abuse. More interestingly, no two teachers in any school, or any two judges in the world, have the same definition of the word abuse.
    
    
59. It is both irresponsible and unethical to create the illusion of an agreement with someone not committed to keeping agreements; to do so is to set the person up to fail even more in life.
    
    
60. If you are withholding one or more significant thoughts from your partner, you have caused (yes caused) them to withhold the exact same number (yes, the exact same number) of thoughts from you.
    
    
61. All the energy and money spent on preventing, eliminating, reducing, or controlling abuse is to no avail until we agree on its definition.
    
    
62. As you read About The Spouse Abuse Tutorial you will end up with an expanded definition of the word abuse.
    
    
63. A truly loving partner is an enroller who expands the couple's circle of friends automatically, causing all to love each other; someone with a "loving act" is driven by survival and has but a handful of "friends," who together, seldom effect a positive significant change in their community.
    
    
64. If you are holding a 40lb. bar of lead in your hands and someone offers you a 40lb bar of gold you will have to let go of the lead to have the gold. To have a magnificent relationship you must be willing to let go of a crappy one, or else, you reveal a lie. The lie? —you only believe you have been intending to have a magnificent relationship.
    
    
65. Few circumcised male doctors are aware of the pleasures of a foreskin.
    
    
66. All lies and all truths have consequences, even the ones of which you are unaware. I.e. If you once vowed, ". . . till death do us part . . ." and are now divorced, that lie (albeit an unconscious one) began to have its consequence once it was uttered.
    
    
67. Most church members mirror the integrity of their pastors, evidence by the fact that the majority of church members teach their teens to con each other into deceiving both sets of parents, and their pastor, so as to have sex.
    
    
68. Saying/believing you want others to succeed when the results clearly show that you are in fact a covert saboteur is you living a lie. The way out is to tell the truth. To get to the truth you must be willing to start with what appears to be an obvious lie, "I don't want you to succeed because . . ." and see what comes up. Most always it's an unconscious withhold.
    
    
69. If you fix a broken dish what you have is a fixed broken dish, not at all what you would have chosen. You don't have the skills to "fix" anyone but yourself. No one around you can heal completely until you heal you.
    
    
70. Only a person addicted to abusing and being abused has a personal/intimate relationship with an abusive person.
    
    
71. The way to know what your intentions have been is to look at the results you've been producing for yourself and those around you.
    
    
72. If you marry a high school grad who has not held at least one job for 12-months in a row then you are a helper; you are enabling a user—for which there are undesirable consequences. A marriage partner without work experience is lacking the certainty that comes from having a job/career to fall back on in the event they choose to divorce—such a partner cannot inspire their child to study for college or to be independent. No abuse "victim" would remain married to an abuser if he/she had a PhD.
    
    
73. Most people are unaware of the power of their psychic hexes, the unconscious thwarting emanations, their intentions for others to fail for various reasons. They lie, pretending they want everyone to succeed yet the results their friends and neighbors are producing prove otherwise.
    
    
74. Female veterans, because they have developed their physical body, don't attract or put up with condescending/abusive men; they have developed confidence and an experience of capability.
    
    
75. Withholding truths a friend needs to hear keeps everyone stuck in more of the same.
    
    
76. Teachers use and teach an adversarial (blame, fault, right-wrong) communication model (win-lose, pass/fail, succeed by doing better than others), consequently, their graduates use the same model to seduce and attract partners and friends. Not having learned any other model most couples have no choice other than to use the same adversarial model during the divorce process.
    
    
77. A communication model is like water to a fish. Just as a fish can't see water neither can you see air or your communication model, unless—you ask another for feedback. I.e. "What does it feel like to be on the receiving end of my communications?" or, "Do I inspire excellence or mediocrity?"
    
    
78. The way you can tell which communication model you operate from is to look at the results your friends are producing. A positive supportive, mutually satisfying communication model, the one used throughout our tutorials, brings everyone along with you.
    
    
79. Communication always results in the experience of love whereas with talking something appears to be missing, or, something, such as a thought being withheld, is in the space.
    
    
80. Most couples are totally unaware that the same adversarial communication model they used to seduce each other causes (yes causes) an acrimonious divorce. It absolutely guarantees that you and your partner will withhold certain thoughts from each other for strategic/survival reasons.
    
    
81. Most people cannot hear/experience abuse/condescension. When they finally become aware that it's been there all along it's usually too late. They discover that their addiction was to attract and abusively goad an abuser.
    
    
82. Managers know that it's much easier to teach an inexperienced, but well adjusted, happy person to be a competent clerk than it is to teach an experienced but unhappy clerk to relate with customers from aloha. Visitors and kamaainas alike are able to tell the difference between an "aloha act" and the real thing just by shopping at several different stores in Hawaii.
    
    
83. It's virtually impossible for an actualized supportive CEO to attract an angry, rude, or grouchy employee. Employees always mirror a CEO's leadership-communication skills.
    
    
84. Wanting to change another is not love. You do not have the leadership-communication skills to teach your loved one how to positively support you. To coach another you must have their permission to change them, to improve them, to make them better, more thoughtful, more honest or efficient.
    
    
85. A military corporal (the lowest leadership rank) has more leadership-skills than most education majors; I know of no university or college that offers Leadership Training for education majors (Leadership Classes, Seminars, and Courses yes, Trainings, no.) Education majors are not taught how to cause all homework to be turned in neatly and on time.
    
    
86. If, as a leader, a subordinate is performing poorly you will always (yes always) find an error, an omission, a purposeful illegibility, or incorrect or missing dates, or a lie on his/her Job Application Form. Like sloppy homework it's one way a subordinate unconsciously tests to see if the boss is worthy of respect. If the CEO/boss is out-integrity then he/she will unconsciously support the hiring of someone of similar integrity—never someone with more integrity.

If you like this tip please press the I like button (You'll be returned to the index page)

Last edited 8/15/22