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Clearing Process for Couples

The Clearing Process for Couples is a wonderful way to transform rudimentary high school sex into loving ever-expanding intercourse—no techniques, no skill required—you already know how to do it so you can't fail. The process takes about 15 minutes.

The process greatly expands upon ones definition of the words get, be, clear, and clearing. To get, as used in communication, refers to consciously intending another to say what they to say to you and not reacting, not doing anything with it verbally or non-verbally—such as adding a judgment, a frown, a comment, or advice. The better your "getting" skills, the safer you become for others to tell you the truth.

You may print out this page so that you both can read from it the first few times.

Note: After you have successfully completed a few clearings you can (with eye contact and facing each other) clear anywhere. Its success is dependent upon intention—yours.

Here's an example of getting another's communication:

Partner: "I ran over someone last night."

You: "Thank you. I got that. Is there anything else about that?"
Partner: "Yes, I feel very bad about it."
You: "I got that you feel badly. Is there anything else about that? etc." Keep asking if there's anything else until they have no more thoughts about it.

Note: As you become more comfortable with clearing, you'll find yourself using your own words.

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Here's how to train someone to hide thoughts from you:

Partner: "I ran over someone last night."

You: "YOU WHAT????? JESUS CHRIST! And you waited till now to tell me about it? Who was it? Did you tell the police??? Why did you . . .?"

In one fell swoop you judged them, made them wrong, invalidated them and talked down (condescendingly) to them. A single interaction like this between you and your child/partner and you will have trained them to hide certain thoughts from you. Remember: The majority of parents teach their child to deceive them—evidenced by the fact that most all teens con each other into deceiving both sets of parents so as to have sex.

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Here's a description of a Clearing Process for Couples: (It's also referred to as a "Be-with," "The Be-With Process" or "Coupling").

If you are thinking of asking your partner to do the Clearing Process for Couples you must first do The Clearing Process—then invite them to do the same, then you both can do the couple's clearing.

The following presupposes that your partner is committed to having the relationship work and is willing to follow your instructions exactly as outlined. If they balk and thwart your instructions then your relationship is too damaged and you, not they, need coaching/counseling.

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Creating a safe space for communication to take place:

Read these instructions silently to yourself at least 10 times before asking your partner to do the process. Read them aloud to yourself at least once.

  • Make an agreement (time and place) for the process.

  • You need two straight-backed chairs.

  • Put a note on the door, "Please do not knock until _____ p.m., except for an emergency."

  • Turn the phones/pagers off and mute the answering machine.

  • Do the process indoors. There are too many distractions outside—bugs, temperature, etc.

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Step 1

Have your partner sit first. Then move your chair directly opposite them so that you are as close as you can get without touching them. Usually what works is for one person to spread their legs and the other puts their knees between them, again, not touching.

Sit up straight with your buttocks as far back into the chair as possible. Rest your hands on your thighs. Have your partner do the same (hands on his/her thighs).  If they won't follow this first instruction, to the letter, then stop the process. Your relationship is too damaged. Once they are seated correctly begin Step 2.

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Step 2

Look into your partner's eyes and instruct them to keep looking into your eyes.

You need to know that they may be extremely uncomfortable even though they are your partner/parent/family member/spouse and, you know they love you—still they are uncomfortable. 99% percent of married couples experience uncomfortableness at first.

The uncomfortableness mirrors the number and kinds of thoughts both of you have been withholding from each other.

The tendency is to look away. This is normal. Verbally redirect their eyes to yours, keep doing this repeatedly saying, "Look me in the eyes please" until they don't need to be reminded.

It is to be expected, and normal, that one or both of you might start to giggle uncontrollably. This is pent up emotions and energy. It is a communication, and it will disappear within a few minutes. In truth it is non-verbalized expressions of the experience of love. It's how we adapt to uncomfortableness. Rather than trying to stop the giggling merely breath deeply. Breathing facilitates centeredness and dissipates the charge. Instruct him/her, "Breath with me" —as you dramatize taking a deep breath.

Most importantly: Ensure their head is on straight (not tilted or cocked to one side). It is extremely important to correct this continually. The free Relationship Communication Skills Tutorial covers the reasoning behind this in depth; briefly, a tilted head is an unconscious control issue, it's how another unconsciously controls you through submission. More accurately, it's how you unconsciously manipulate another to control you.

Double-check to make sure your partner's hands are on their thighs and that they are still sitting up straight. Zero slouching. If it looks/feels unnatural and Zen/military-like then you are doing it correctly.

The long-range objective, after four or five clearings with your partner, is to silently be with each other for fifteen minutes without either needing to say or hear anything. However, this is virtually impossible for couples new to being. Put another way, couples who have mastered talking and are new to intentional communication will find the clearing process uncomfortable at first.

It's your job to control your partner. You must take control and instruct them. Again, if they won't follow your instructions, if you can't get them postured and ready for Step 3 then stop the process.

Once the both of you have settled down and can look into each other's eyes for at least 30 seconds without looking away, then you can begin Step 3.

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Step 3

Begin by instructing your partner to:

Communicate a thought.

Whatever their reply, you reply with,

Thank you. I got that. Is there anything else about that?

If they have more, get it and then ask again, "Is there anything else about that?"

Repeat: "Communicate a thought" and get it. Do this 10x.

Next ask your partner:

What are you withholding from me?

Whatever their reply, you reply with,

Thank you. I got that. Is there anything else about that?

If they reply with more about it, repeat,

Thank you. I got that. Is there anything else about that?

Keep doing this until they reply, "No" or "Nothing" or "Nothing's there," or "Nothing comes up."

If you ask the question and they are silent for a while, or if they reply, "I can't think of anything." you reply,

Thank you. I got that. What are you withholding from me?

Then you keep repeating the above process.

After you have done this for about two minutes hand them the instructions so that they can read the script and have them do the exact same for you.

First, before they ask you the questions, double-check the postures to re-create the space for communication to take place.

If, while they are listening to you share a withhold, you see them nodding or smiling, say, "You're smiling." and then continue. In other words, do not let them add non-verbal judgments or encouragements. Nodding, smiling, etc. is an unconscious con, it's an interviewer's manipulation technique. It is a barrier to experiential truthful communication.

Each take about ten turns and then stop (you'll be the getter for ten times and the sharer for ten times).

  • Your job is to be a safe space for the truth to be told.

  • If you add facial reactions, (shock, upset, hurt, sadness) it will shut down communication.

  • If you nod as though you understand or agree with them it will shut down communication.

  • If you act superior, understanding, condescending or compassionate it will shut down communication.

In other words, your job is be there for them expressionless, without adding judgments, your personality, or your understanding. If you feel like an emotionless robot then you are doing a perfect job.

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Note: It is virtually impossible to live in this world, with the present communication model used and taught by educators nationwide, and not accumulate thousands upon thousands of withholds. The more significant ones withholds the more resistant the mind will be to locating the withholds.

A person who is free and clear of withholds is experienced as lighthearted, humorous, loving, spontaneous, spacious, open, trustworthy, responsible, a truly wonderful, easy-to-be-with being.
Men in particular will try to "act" clear, as though they have no withholds. They honestly and sincerely believe this to be true. It is not true. What's true is one's withholds and incompletes are covered up with layers of unconsciousness. Your partner has as many thoughts (yes, equally as many thoughts) they are withholding from you as you are withholding from them; there are no exceptions to this entanglement phenomenon. This is why it's important to acknowledge the prolonged silence and ask again. Treat the silence, the blank, as an important withhold. Be glad about it. With intention you will be a safe space for them to share what has been hidden.

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Step 4

Double-check your postures and then ask:

Share verbally with me for about two minutes your experience of the process.

While they do that you sit expressionless and just get their considerations.

Then have them ask you the same question.

Then announce:

That completes the process. Thank you for being willing to follow my instructions.

Then relax and share spontaneously.

During this process you are always totally responsible for the integrity of the process. If you slack off, or modify it, or do it your way, the process will not work as well. Worse yet, you will have wasted their time, ripping them of from the enormous value to be gotten from doing it correctly.

For example: The hands on the thighs are extremely important. They reveal unconscious sabotage of the process. If when you correct them they immediately position their hands correctly then you know you still have control and that they are intent on supporting you in having the process work. If you look down and see yours or their hands not on the thighs, then you have gone unconscious. Hands-on-thighs is a communication that represents an intention for the process to be of value.

Your goal is to be able to be with your partner silently for 15 minutes. Why 15? It is virtually impossible to be-with another for 15 minutes and hide a thought—this assumes that you both have cleared enough that both of you are experiencing the experience of love upon completion. If there is no experience of love, then there is a verbally unacknowledged withhold or perpetration in the space, something is not being acknowledged.

The first couple times you do the process you are merely creating a safe space for the truth to be told. The mind hides stuff from itself in layers; removing "getting" the first layer during the first clearing will allow the next layer to appear.

The test of whether you have been a safe space for all withholds to be shared is that you both will experience the experience of love upon completion of the clearing.

Once you get comfortable with the process you can add,

"For what in your life would you like to be acknowledged?"
10x (very few people have been completely acknowledged for all of their good deeds and perpetrations).
(read Acknowledging a Veteran)

Clearings (a.k.a. bewiths) lead to synchronous breathing together —truly experiential intercourse.

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