Clearing Process for Couples

The following Clearing Process for Couples is an example of a structured clearing process.

Structured means it requires sitting a specific way and using specific words. It has a well defined location (two straight-backed chairs) and it has a beginning and an end. It greatly expands upon your definition of the words, get (to get or getting another), be (be-with and being) and clear and clearing. "Get" as used in communication refers to the act of consciously intending another to say what they say to you and not doing anything with it such as adding a judgment, comment, criticism or advice. The better your "getting" skills, the safer you become for others to tell you the truth.

Here's an example of getting another's communication:

Partner: "I ran over someone last night."

You: "Thank you. I got that. Is there anything else about that?"

Partner: "Yes, I feel very bad about it."

You: "I got that. Is there anything else about that?"

etc. etc. etc. Keep asking until they have no more thoughts about it.

Here's how to train someone to hide things from you.

Partner: "I ran over someone last night."

You: "You what????? Jesus Christ? And you waited till now to tell me about it? Who was it? Did you tell the police??? Why did you...?"

In one fell swoop you judged them, made them wrong, invalidated them and talked down (condescendingly) to them. A few interactions like this and you will have trained them to hide certain thoughts from you.

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Here's a description of a Clearing Process for Couples. It's also referred to as a "Be-with" or "The Be-With Process."

The following presupposes that your partner is committed to having the relationship work and is willing to follow your instructions exactly as outlined. If they balk and thwart your instructions, even humorously, then your relationship is too damaged and you, not they, need counseling.

Creating a safe space for communication to take place.

Read these instructions silently to yourself at least 10 times before asking your partner to do the process. Read them aloud to yourself at least once.

• Make an agreement (time and place) for the process.
• You need two straight-backed chairs.
• Put a note on the door, "Please do not knock until _____ pm., except for an emergency."
• Turn the phones/pagers off and mute the answering machine.
• Do the process indoors. There are too many distractions outside, bugs, temperature, etc.

Step 1

Have your partner sit. Move your chair so that you are as close as you can get without touching them. Usually what works is for one person to spread their legs and the other puts their knees between them, again, not touching.

Sit up straight with your buttocks as far back into the chair as possible. Rest your hands on your thighs. Have your partner do the same (hands on his/her thighs  )  If they won't follow this first instruction, to the letter, then stop the process. Your relationship is too damaged. Once they are seated correctly begin Step 2

Step 2

Look into your partner's eyes and instruct them to keep looking into your eyes.

99% percent of the population will experience uncomfortableness. You need to know that they may be extremely uncomfortable even though they are your partner/parent/family member/spouse.

The uncomfortableness mirrors the number and kinds of thoughts both of you have been withholding from each other.

The tendency is to look away. This is normal. Redirect their eyes to yours, keep doing this repeatedly saying,  "Look me in the eyes" until they don't need to be reminded.

It is to be expected, and normal, that one or both of you might start to giggle uncontrollably. This is pent up emotions and energy. It is a communication, and it will disappear within a few minutes. In truth it is non-verbalized expressions of love. It's how we adapt to uncomfortableness. Rather than trying to stop the giggling merely breath deeply. Breathing facilitates centeredness and dissipates the charge.

Most importantly: Ensure their head is on straight (not tilted or cocked to one side). It is extremely important to correct this continually. The fee-based Relationship Communication Skills Tutorial covers the reasoning behind this in depth. It's an unconscious control issue. A tilted head is how another unconsciously controls you through submission.

Once both of you have settled down and can look into each other's eyes for at least 30 seconds without looking away, then you can begin Step 3.

It's your job to control your partner. You must take control and instruct them. Again, if they won't follow your instructions, if you can't get them postured for Step 3 then stop the process.

Double-check to make sure your partner's hands are on their thighs and that they are still sitting up straight. Zero slouching. If it looks/feels unnatural and military-like then you are doing it correctly.

The long-range objective, after four or five clearings, is to silently be with each other for fifteen minutes without either needing to say or hear anything. However, this is virtually impossible for couples new to being. Put another way, couples who have mastered talking and are new to intentional communication will find the clearing process uncomfortable at first.

It's ok for you to keep a copy of these instructions on the floor beside you and pick them up to refer to them. Then place them back on the floor and continue.

Step 3

Ask your partner:

What are you withholding from me?

Whatever their reply, you reply with,

Thank you. I got that. Is there anything else about that?

If they reply with more about it, repeat,

Thank you. I got that. Is there anything else about that?

Keep doing this until they reply,

"No" or "Nothing" or "Nothing's there," or "Nothing comes up."

If you ask the question and they are silent for a while, or if they reply, "I can't think of anything." you reply,

Thank you. I got that.  What are you withholding from me?

Then you keep repeating the above process.

After they have done this for about two minutes hand them the instructions so that they can read the script and have them do the exact same for you.

First, before they ask you the question, double-check the postures to re-create the space for communication to take place.

If, while they are listening to you share a withhold, you see them nodding or smiling, say, "You're smiling." and then continue. In other words, do not let them add nonverbal judgments or encouragements. Nodding, smiling, etc. is an interviewer's manipulation technique. It is a barrier to experiential truthful communication.

Each take about ten turns and then stop (you'll be the getter for ten times and the sharer for ten times).

• Your job is to be a safe space for the truth to be told. If you add facial reactions, (shock, upset, hurt, sadness) it will shut down communication.
• If you nod as though you understand or agree with them it will shut down communication.
• If you act superior, understanding, condescending or compassionate it will shut down communication.

In other words, your job is be there for them expressionless, without adding judgments, your personality or your understanding.

If you feel like you are an emotionless robot, then you are doing a perfect job.

Note: It is virtually impossible to live in this world, with our present communication model, and not accumulate thousands upon thousands of withholds. The more one is withholding the more resistant the mind will be to locating the withholds.

A person who is free and clear of withholds is experienced as lighthearted, humorous, loving, spontaneous, spacious, open, trustworthy, a truly wonderful being.

Men in particular will try to "act" clear, as though they have no withholds. They honestly and sincerely believe this to be true. It is not true. What's true is one's withholds and incompletes are covered up with layers of unconsciousness. This is why it's important to acknowledge the prolonged silence and ask again. Treat the silence, the blank, as an important withhold. Be glad about it. With intention you will be a safe space for them to share what has been hidden.

Step 4

Double-check your postures and then ask:

Share verbally with me for about two minutes your experience of the process.

While they do that you sit expressionless and just get their considerations.

Then have them ask you the same question.

Then announce:

That completes the process. Thank you for being willing to follow my instructions.

Then relax and share spontaneously.

During this process you are always totally responsible for the integrity of the process. If you slack off and modify it and do it your way, the process will not work. Worse yet, you will have wasted their time, ripping them of from the enormous value to be gotten.

For example: The hands on the thighs are extremely important. They reveal unconscious sabotage of the process. If when you correct them they immediately position their hands correctly then you know you still have control and that they are intent on supporting you and having the  process work. If you look down and see yours or their hands not on the thighs, then you have gone unconscious.

Your goal is to be able to be with your partner silently for 15 minutes. Why 15? It is virtually impossible to be with another for 15 minutes and hide a thought—providing you experience the experience of love upon completion. If there is no experience of love, then there is a verbally unacknowledged withhold or perpetration in the space.

The first couple times you do the process, you are merely creating a safe space for the truth to be told. The mind hides stuff from itself in layers, removing "getting" the first layer during the first clearing will allow the next layer to appear.

The test of whether you have been a safe space for all withholds to be shared is that you both will experience the experience of love upon completion of the clearing.

Clearing Process Communication Form: (for questions use the Message Board)

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