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The following
Clearing Process for Couples is an example of a
structured clearing process.
Structured means it
requires sitting a
specific way and using specific words. It has a well
defined location (two straight-backed chairs) and it
has a
beginning and an end. It greatly expands upon your
definition of the words, get (to get or getting
another), be (be-with and being) and clear
and clearing. "Get" as used in communication
refers to the act of consciously intending another to
say what they say to you and not doing anything with
it such as adding any judgment, comment, criticism or
advice. The better your "getting" skills, the safer
you become for others to tell you the truth.
Here's an
example of getting another's
communication:
Partner: "I
ran over someone last night."
You: "Thank you. I
got that. Is there anything else about that?"
Partner: "Yes, I
feel very bad about it."
You: "I got that.
Is there anything else about that?"
etc. etc. etc.
Keep asking until they have no more thoughts about it.
Here's how
to train someone to hide things from you.
Partner: "I
ran over someone last night."
You: "You
what????? Jesus Christ? And you waited till now to
tell me about it? Who was it? Did you tell the
police??? Why did you...?"
In one fell swoop
you judged them, made them wrong, invalidated them
and talked down (condescendingly) to them. A few
interactions like this and you will have trained
them to hide certain thoughts from you.
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Here's a description of a
Clearing Process for Couples. It's
also referred to as a "Be-with" or "The Be-With Process."
The following
presupposes that your partner is committed to having
the relationship work and is willing to follow your
instructions exactly as outlined. If they balk and
thwart your instructions, even humorously, then your
relationship is too damaged and you, not they, need
counseling.
Creating a safe
space for communication to take place.
Read these
instructions silently to yourself at least 10 times
before asking your partner to do the process. Read them aloud to
yourself at least once.
- Make an
agreement (time and place) for the process.
- You need two
straight-backed chairs.
- Put a note on
the door, "Please do not knock until _____ pm.,
except for an emergency."
- Turn the
phones/pagers off and mute the answering machine.
- Do the
process indoors. There are too many distractions
outside, bugs, temperature, etc.
Step 1
Have your partner
sit. Move your chair so that you are as close as you
can get without touching them. Usually what works is for
one person to spread their legs and the other puts
their knees between them, again, not touching.
Sit up straight with your
buttocks as far back into the chair as possible.
Rest your hands on your thighs. Have your partner do
the same (hands on his/her thighs :=) )
If they won't
follow this first instruction, to the letter, then
stop the process. Your relationship is too damaged.
Once they are seated correctly begin Step 2
Step 2
Look into
your partner's eyes and instruct them to keep
looking into your eyes.
99.9%
percent of the population will experience
uncomfortableness. You need to know that they may
be extremely uncomfortable even though they are
your partner/parent/family member/spouse.
The
uncomfortableness mirrors the number and kinds of thoughts both of you have been withholding from
each other.
The tendency is
to look away. This is normal. Redirect their eyes
to yours, keep doing this repeatedly saying, "Look
me in the eyes" until they don't need to
be reminded.
It is to be
expected, and normal, that one or both of
you might start to giggle uncontrollably. This is
pent up emotions and energy. It is a communication, and it will disappear within a few minutes. In
truth it is non-verbalized expressions of love.
It's how we adapt to uncomfortableness. Rather
than trying to stop the giggling merely breath
deeply. Breathing facilitates centeredness and
dissipates the charge.
Most
importantly: Ensure their head is on straight (not
tilted or cocked to one side).
It is extremely
important to correct this continually.
The
fee-based
Relationship
Communication Skills Tutorial covers the
reasoning behind this in depth. It's an
unconscious control
issue. A tilted head is how another unconsciously
controls you through submission.
Once both of
you have settled down and can look into each
other's eyes for at least 30 seconds without
looking away, then you can begin Step 3.
It's your job
to control your partner. You must take control and
instruct them.
Again, if they won't follow your
instructions, if you can't get them postured for
Step 3 then stop the process.
Double-check to
make sure your partner's hands are on their thighs
and that they are still sitting up straight. Zero
slouching. If it looks/feels unnatural and
military-like then you are doing it correctly.
The
long-range objective, after four or five
clearings, is to silently be with each other for
fifteen minutes without either needing to say or
hear anything. However, this is virtually
impossible for couples new to being. Put another
way, couples who have mastered talking and are
new to intentional communication will find the
clearing process uncomfortable at first.
It's ok
for you to keep a copy of these instructions on
the floor beside you and pick them up to refer to
them. Then place them back on the floor and
continue.
Step 3
Ask your partner:
What are you
withholding from me?
Whatever their
reply, you reply with,
Thank you. I got
that. Is there anything else about that?
If they reply
with more about it, repeat,
Thank you. I got
that. Is there anything else about that?
Keep doing this
until they reply,
"No" or
"Nothing" or "Nothing's there," or "Nothing comes up."
If you ask the
question and they are silent for a while, or if they
reply, "I can't think of anything." you
reply,
Thank you. I got
that. What are you withholding from me?
Then you keep
repeating the above process.
After they have
done this for about two minutes hand them the
instructions so that they can read the script and
have them do the exact same for you.
First, before
they ask you the question, double-check
the postures to re-create the space for
communication to take place.
If, while they
are listening to you share a withhold, you see them
nodding or smiling, say, "You're smiling." and then
continue. In other words, do not let them add
nonverbal judgments or encouragements. Nodding,
smiling, etc. is an interviewer's manipulation
technique. It is a barrier to experiential truthful
communication.
Each take about
ten turns and then stop (you'll be the getter for
ten times and the sharer for ten times).
- Your job is
to be a safe space for the truth to be told. If
you add facial reactions, (shock, upset, hurt,
sadness) it will shut down communication.
- If you nod
as though you understand or agree with them it
will shut down communication.
- If you act
superior, understanding, condescending or
compassionate it will shut down communication.
In other
words, your job is be there for them
expressionless, without adding judgments, your
personality or your understanding.
If you feel
like you are an emotionless robot, then you are
doing a perfect job.
Note: It is
virtually impossible to live in this world, with
our present communication model, and not
accumulate thousands upon thousands of withholds.
The more one is withholding the more resistant the
mind will be to locating the withholds.
A person who is free and
clear of withholds is experienced as
lighthearted, humorous, loving,
spontaneous, spacious, open, trustworthy, a truly
wonderful being.
Men in
particular will try to "act" clear, as though they
have no withholds. They honestly and sincerely
believe this to be true. It is not true. What's
true is one's withholds and incompletes are covered
up with layers of unconsciousness. This is why
it's important to acknowledge the prolonged
silence and ask again. Treat the silence, the
blank, as an important withhold. Be glad about it.
With intention you will be a safe space for them
to share what has been hidden.
Step 4
Double-check
your postures and then ask:
Share verbally
with me for about two minutes your experience of
the process.
While they do
that you sit expressionless and just get their
considerations.
Then have them
ask you the same question.
Then announce:
That
completes the process. Thank you for being willing
to follow my instructions.
Then relax and
share spontaneously.
During this
process you are always totally responsible for the integrity of the
process.
If you slack
off and modify it and do it your way, the process will not work. Worse
yet, you will have wasted their time, ripping them of from the enormous
value to be gotten.
For
example: The hands on the thighs are
extremely important. They reveal unconscious
sabotage of the process. If when you correct
them they immediately position their hands
correctly then you know you still have control
and that they are intent on supporting you and
having the process work. If you look down
and see yours or their hands not on the thighs,
then you have gone unconscious.
Your goal is
to be able to be with your partner silently for 15
minutes. Why 15? It is virtually impossible to be
with another for 15 minutes and hide a
thought—providing you experience the experience of
love upon completion. If there is no experience of
love, then there is a verbally unacknowledged withhold/perpetration.
The first
couple times you do the process, you are merely
creating a safe space for the truth to be told.
The mind hides stuff from itself in layers,
removing "getting" the first layer during the
first clearing will allow the next layer to
appear.
The test of
whether you have been a safe space for all
withholds to be shared is that you both will
experience the experience of love upon completion
of the clearing. Clearing Process Communication Form:
(for questions use the
Message Board)
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