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The following Clearing Process for Couples is an example of a structured clearing process. Structured means it requires sitting a specific way and using specific words. It has a well defined location (two straight-backed chairs) and it has a beginning and an end. It greatly expands upon your definition of the words, get (to get or getting another), be (be-with and being) and clear and clearing. "Get" as used in communication refers to the act of consciously intending another to say what they say to you and not doing anything with it such as adding a judgment, comment, criticism or advice. The better your "getting" skills, the safer you become for others to tell you the truth.
Here's a description of a Clearing Process for Couples. It's also referred to as a "Be-with" or "The Be-With Process." The following presupposes that your partner is committed to having the relationship work and is willing to follow your instructions exactly as outlined. If they balk and thwart your instructions, even humorously, then your relationship is too damaged and you, not they, need counseling. Creating a safe space for communication to take place. Read these instructions silently to yourself at least 10 times before asking your partner to do the process. Read them aloud to yourself at least once.
Step 1 Have your partner sit. Move your chair so that you are as close as you can get without touching them. Usually what works is for one person to spread their legs and the other puts their knees between them, again, not touching.
Sit up straight with your
buttocks as far back into the chair as possible.
Rest your hands on your thighs. Have your partner do
the same (hands on his/her thighs
Step 2 Look into your partner's eyes and instruct them to keep looking into your eyes.
Step 3 Ask your partner: What are you withholding from me? Whatever their reply, you reply with, Thank you. I got that. Is there anything else about that? If they reply with more about it, repeat, Thank you. I got that. Is there anything else about that? Keep doing this until they reply, "No" or "Nothing" or "Nothing's there," or "Nothing comes up." If you ask the question and they are silent for a while, or if they reply, "I can't think of anything." you reply, Thank you. I got that. What are you withholding from me? Then you keep repeating the above process. After they have done this for about two minutes hand them the instructions so that they can read the script and have them do the exact same for you. First, before they ask you the question, double-check the postures to re-create the space for communication to take place. If, while they are listening to you share a withhold, you see them nodding or smiling, say, "You're smiling." and then continue. In other words, do not let them add nonverbal judgments or encouragements. Nodding, smiling, etc. is an interviewer's manipulation technique. It is a barrier to experiential truthful communication. Each take about ten turns and then stop (you'll be the getter for ten times and the sharer for ten times).
In other words, your job is be there for them expressionless, without adding judgments, your personality or your understanding. If you feel like you are an emotionless robot, then you are doing a perfect job.
Step 4 Double-check your postures and then ask: Share verbally with me for about two minutes your experience of the process. While they do that you sit expressionless and just get their considerations. Then have them ask you the same question. Then announce: That completes the process. Thank you for being willing to follow my instructions. Then relax and share spontaneously. During this process you are always totally responsible for the integrity of the process. If you slack off and modify it and do it your way, the process will not work. Worse yet, you will have wasted their time, ripping them of from the enormous value to be gotten.
Your goal is to be able to be with your partner silently for 15 minutes. Why 15? It is virtually impossible to be with another for 15 minutes and hide a thought—providing you experience the experience of love upon completion. If there is no experience of love, then there is a verbally unacknowledged withhold or perpetration in the space. The first couple times you do the process, you are merely creating a safe space for the truth to be told. The mind hides stuff from itself in layers, removing "getting" the first layer during the first clearing will allow the next layer to appear. The test of whether you have been a safe space for all withholds to be shared is that you both will experience the experience of love upon completion of the clearing. Clearing Process Communication Form: (for questions use the Message Board) [ top ] |
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