Dennis's Reply:

Hi M.I.: As with an alcoholic, the first step towards an abuse-free personal relationship, before acknowledging your addiction to abusing and to being abused, is denial. Yes, you are in denial of your addiction to blaming. She doesn't stand a snowball's chance in Hawaii of healing until you heal yourself. Even if you divorced her today you would have to bring another person into your life to fight with, such is your need for your fixes.*

Re: "My wife often hits me when we argue." This is a blame statement. A responsible statement would be, "I cause my wife to hit me when I start arguments with her." Something about how you stand silently in the same room with her triggers her unresolved childhood upsets. It's much the same as putting your hand in a rattler's den expecting it to not bite. She's as programmed to strike out at the one she loves as a rattler is to biting anything that threatens its reality. Her reality is that you start the fights; abusers are also addicted to blaming, they always have an excellent reasonable reason; I.e. "I wouldn't have hit you if you hadn't . . .".  She apparently has come to believe that her comparatively ineffectual "hits" aren't as abusive (don't hurt as much) as when a man hits his partner, yet a close-up video of both faces during a violent interaction would prove otherwise. We know this because she has not sought effective outside help.

Re: ". . . when she points out . . ." She is correct. You have perfected an incredibly insidious and devious way of relating; it not only infuriates her but you do it in such a way as to enroll others (readers of your letter) in taking your side, that she is more abusive. Turning others against another is called badmouthing, it's not only unethical, it's both irresponsible blaming and abusive.

Of all the women on the planet for you to attract and marry you chose someone addicted to abuse, someone equally (yes equally) as addicted to abusing and to being abused as are you. This was your genius at work, setting up life, finding someone to mirror you, in support of you completing one or more childhood incompletes, en route to having life work as you envision.

BTW: Part of your addiction includes denial, minimizing and making excuses for her abuse, ". . . she doesn't inflict much damage." and, "I guess I agree when she points out that some of the things I say drive her to that striking point." The word "wimp" comes to mind. If a woman had written with your problem many would agree that the man was physically abusive and advise immediate therapy for the woman, most would advise, "Get out now, it only gets worse." Why? Because, after each hit she's not addressing the source of her anger; it's never about the burnt toast.

Note: The majority of women who cause their partner to be arrested for co-created domestic violence later recant and refuse to press charges, in part because they know they were solely responsible for causing the abuse. The ethical time to leave anyone (rather than to eventually have them arrested) is when a communication doesn't feel good and you are not able to elicit a verbal acknowledgment that they know that it didn't feel good, else, and, here's the biggie, you could be unconsciously setting it up for a divorce or, to have her eventually be incarcerated.

Forum posts by spouses with a partner in prison are rife with more-of-the-same way of communicating that supported (caused) the incarceration; virtually no friends or family members are aware of the fact that it's their leadership-communication skills that didn't/doesn't inspire integrity. Read: ". . . a story" about recidivism, and the fact that most families and friends of prisoners do not attend their own rehabilitation program; this contributes to the nation's 42% re-incarceration stats.

Once you have completed a free coaching session, or 25-hours of counseling or therapy (by yourself, without her), you will be able to see that you knew when you met her that she was both immature and incomplete (out-integrity). Most often the clue** is in how a date talks about and relates with his/her parents. Another clue is how he/she describes what "happened," the "story" one tells about the ending of their prior relationship(s) usually from blame. I.e. "He/she divorced me." "He/she cheated on me." "He/she hit me." 

Could it be that you didn't have enthusiastic approval and support of a friend, or worse, both of your parents (and grandparents) about her? Some parents withhold their considerations (thoughts of disapproval) when they first meet their child's date; they act accepting but unconsciously, psychically, thwart, hex, and sabotage the relationship so as to be right. No actualized parent would raise a child to attract an abusive spouse. Only a child whose parents are addicted to abuse attract and marry an abuse addict, a partner who does not acknowledge each and every abuse through to mutual satisfaction.

Note: All divorced couples withheld one or more significant thoughts from each other on, or even before, their first date. Withholders automatically, magnetically, attract withholders. With 44+ years of coaching I have not found any exceptions to this entanglement phenomenon. Kerry

Another indicator: "But it disturbs me that she resorts to violence." Again, blame. A responsible person would write, "It disturbs me that the violence within me, something about how I relate with her, my leadership-communication skills, triggers her violence.  I find myself preoccupied with thoughts that she needs more therapy than I do." For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Just because you can't see your abuse doesn't mean you aren't communicating abusively. Watching TV can be abusive to a partner if chores need to be done. A couch potato can trigger unconscious disrespect or resentment because they aren't responsibly participating in community projects. A girl who, when in high school, chose to not study for a profession, can later, when married, trigger unconscious resentment and disrespect. Such a woman, if she had money, would leave; the spouse knows (at some level of awareness) that she's staying married because she can't afford to move. Such a relationship is fraught with lots of breakdowns in communication.

And still another indicator: "What can we do?" You operate from the 50-50 definition of responsibility rather than, 100%. I.e. "What can I do?" You honestly believe that things would be better if only she would get "fixed." In this matter you are the leader. No complete (fixed) mature woman would date you.

You're smart to be concerned about your children to be. They too would attract abusive partners (beginning with school bullying) unless you commit to getting to the source of your need to goad another into hitting you. You will, without even being aware of it, non-verbally teach this skill of yours to your child. An actualized individual simply doesn't stay in prolonged conversations with those who need therapy; because they are complete they can experience another's incompletes (their unresolved dramatized anger) and as such refrain from extended conversations with them. Words don't even need to be exchanged, the dormant anger is most often experienced via one's aura (abuse addicts communicate their unresolved anger non-verbally/psychically). It's written on their face. Someone (such as yourself) who is equally incomplete/immature has a difficult time seeing it in another. Not "bad" immature, simply normal teenage-like inexperience, stuff you were supposed to have learned in high school.

Regarding apologies: You have yet to learn that when you solicit/accept a person's apology for hitting you it guarantees (yes guarantees) that they will do it again. Stated responsibly it goes like this: When you manipulate another into hitting you and then manipulate them into apologizing, you are unconsciously setting it up for them to do it again. They have no choice. It's a computer-like program that requires these 6 steps:

1) an unconscious intention to be acknowledged (caught) for an incomplete, an earlier perpetration (lie, deceit, abuse, theft) usually left over from childhood.***

2) something to trigger the incomplete, (such as burnt toast) referred to as what the upset is believed to be about.

3) the abuse, the verbal/non-verbal/physical/psychic communication.

4) the knee-jerk activity of blaming.

5) the argument.

6) the apology.

When you stop/prevent any one of the six steps it transforms the experience, especially when you decline or refuse the apology; to have an apology politely, lovingly, be unaccepted, to be declined, ("Please don't apologize, it doesn't feel good.") is a new experience for them. They don't know how to handle it. Something's missing. They didn't get the usual closure (an opportunity to apologize) that has become an essential part of their fix for the better part of his/her life. They don't get the "victim's" programmed, "That's OK. I forgive you. Everything-will-be-alright." fix.  What would work is to leave her in a condition of uncomfortable uncertainty, with the realization that the hit was a dead serious turning point—as if it happened on the first date. At which time I suggest you show her this reply and then insist upon individual (separate) counseling for you both; if she refuses, then issue the following estrangement ultimatum:

"Something about the way I communicate, my leadership-communication skills, causes you to hit me. I'm divorcing you. I intend to commit myself to 25-hours of therapy and to completing The Clearing Process. I won't be interacting with you in any way whatsoever (except for logistics) until you can tell me you also have completed 25-hours of therapy and The [free] Clearing Process. There can be no second chance. I need to know that I inspire harmony and a sense of well-being."

Note: Typically a "hitter" may then reply, "Oh no, it's not you. It's me, honestly. I'm sorry. One more chance please." This attempt at her accepting responsibility is just what your manipulative mind wants/needs to hear. Don't be fooled. Of course it's her; from her perspective she caused it. However, you need to stay with the knowingness that you caused it, that you, knowing she could easily be manipulated, set her up to hit you.

If, back when you first met, I gave you the assignment to get her to hit you, you'd have to do it all over again only this time do it consciously, purposefully goading her. You're back at the very first hit, with the option to handle it as you now know you should have.

Notice that there is no threatening warning? I.e. "The next time you hit me I'll divorce you." This would be a blame statement and, an unethical "sting." That is to say, you know she's programmed to eventually commit a "crime" (abuse) and so you lurk, like a plain clothes cop around a hooker's corner, waiting for (intending) the next eventual crime. The truth would be, "The next time I cause you to hit me I'll divorce you."

Instead of an apology what works is acknowledgment: Her: "I get that what I just did/said didn't feel good, that it was abusive." or, You: "I need to hear you say that you know that that didn't feel good." Her: "But, I wouldn't have hit you if you ..." You: "Please, tell me you know it hurt." Get a clear verbal, "Yes."

If after reading this reply you stay with her another 24-hours you'll have proven that you need as much therapy as she does.

You need to get to the source of your cause of the abuse, and to complete your experience of enabling.

If, as you're doing your coaching/therapy (zero communications until you both have completed 25-hours), she takes you up on your ultimatum and completes her 25-hours, and The Clearing Process, then together, you can do The [free] Clearing Process for Couples after which you can then live together again and possibly remarry. If she refuses to do her therapy you can then get back on-track and pick up where you left off before you began playing with someone stuck in abuse. In any case, the ultimatum will accelerate the completion of the relationship in its present form and create space for a new one with a new communication model. Keep in mind it's your leadership-communication skills that create this abuse. To say you don't want abuse in your life yet to continue interacting with her reveals that you are lying, for which there are compounding undesirable consequences.

Notice that part of your behavior includes manipulating her so that she must apologize to you and then you magnanimously forgive her for something you manipulated her into doing. It's called controlling. In truth it's blackmail. Your implied communication is, "Everyone agrees I now have grounds to divorce you so you better behave. You're the one that needs therapy."

BTW: Readers can see that this reply would be the same if you were a woman complaining about your partner hitting you.  "Estrange yourself!" is the advice insisted upon by all former abuse "victims."

There are no "victims" or "bullies" in spousal abuse, only consenting (usually unconscious) co-conspirators, both stuck blaming the other.

Something that might help you see you is the analogy of the angry, self-righteous, inconsiderate, unconscious driver who drives less than the speed limit. They trigger upsets in the long line of drivers behind them. It affects many people, sometimes for the entire day, quite often causing an angry outburst with someone else at home or at work later that day. For certain, the angry driver at the front of the line triggers unresolved anger (incomplete childhood interactions) in those driving behind him/her, anger that is already there close to the surface. Yet, all need an equal amount of therapy. The point being, all drivers have equal amounts of leadership-communication skills, the angry slow, usually self-righteous, driver uses his/her skills to thwart and upset others. With your scenario you are the unconscious driver, moping along in mediocrity, driving your brilliant (albeit unconscious) wife crazy. Sometimes a partner (i.e. a couch-potato) is driving along in life at a pace that causes unconscious disrespect—rather than, say, the pride that volunteer community service generates and inspires.

Your problem is a consequence of not having a purpose in life, something that is far more exciting and important, something that consumes your every waking hour leaving no time for squabbles. For example: A race car driver while racing is on purpose; he/she has no time to create and have arguments. A person on-purpose generates an entirely different set of problems, problems that are resolved as quick as they are created. Power is the rate at which you create, have, and complete problems. Communication disappears problems whereas talking causes problems to persist. You have mastered talking.

BTW: Communication-life mastery is intending for the driver at the front of the column to be driving exactly the way they are, and/or, to intend what another is communicating-saying to you.

If you decide to stay with her and go to therapy and get yourself healed, she probably won't be attracted to your new ground of being. You will be centered, balanced, and appropriately healthfully assertive and, energetically on-purpose with your purpose in life. You simply won't instigate or put up with her machinations. Neither of you will be able to control the other as you do now.  Part of what infuriates her is that you support her in getting away with hitting you; she simply can't respect you. She might be unconsciously expecting you to hit her back which possibly was the reaction she got from a parent; getting hit might have been a sign to her that they loved her, that she was worthy of their coaching attention.  If you'll look back you'll see that early on there was an incident with her in which you knew that it should have been the end, but you compromised your integrity, perhaps for her company or sex, maybe for fear of being alone. In truth, that's where you are in your life, back at that fork in the road.

Do show her our communications.

I like your letter, it's one of the most frequently read letters. With aloha, Gabby

* "fixes." An abuse addict requires a periodic fix (an incident that generates adrenalin). Many couples unconsciously mastermind an incident so that they can have great sex when they apologize and make up. The dance then becomes seven-steps:

1) an unconscious intention to be acknowledged (caught) for prior incompletes (most often a childhood incident).

2) the upset

3) the abuse

4) the blame

5) the argument

6) the apology

7) the make-up intercourse (great sex) during which there is often an experience of love. Neither know how to create the experience of love through open and honest communication (see The Clearing Process, one of four free communication processes located in The Clearing House, all in support of communication mastery.

** Another clue has to do with your integrity. You unconsciously caused her to withhold thoughts (possibly deal breakers) on your very first date. She had no choice other than to mirror your pattern of deceit, of withholding, she experienced your withholds during that date which automatically granted her permission to withhold her thoughts of choice from you so as to survive around you. Withholders always attract withholders.

*** If your wife was abusive to her parents, a sibling, a friend or former partner when she was younger, and still has not acknowledged to the "victim(s)," or some respected person (such as a coach, counselor or therapist [clerics don't count]****) that she was abusive, and that she knows it didn't feel good, then she is incomplete about that incident (it didn't end up mutually satisfying). In lay terms, she hasn't gotten caught yet; she honestly thinks she got away with it. Consequently, her integrity is such that she will keep setting up life to recall and clean up that specific incident. She will continue to create breakdowns in communication. In this case, she is abusive to you and she's not getting caught, so she has to keep being abusive. BTW: You also have similar childhood incompletes.

**** Clergy have an agenda, they communicate from a position. They want you to be "good" for a reason. Follow "God's" rules rather than be good because it works. If you aren't good God will "abuse" you. A cleric can't listen to a perpetration without judging you as having done wrong; therefore they assign a penance or give you advice (Go . . . and don't do it again). The difference? A coach has been trained to simply get your thoughts without adding a judgment, a penance or advice. When, say, a parent, adds a punishment on top of the guilt a child is already experiencing, the child is distracted; they become preoccupied with experiencing the penance rather than experiencing the experience of being out integrity. They behave for fear of being punished rather than behaving because it works. A cleric seldom, if ever, looks at a parishner's perpetration responsibly, from the point of view of, "What is it about my leadership-communication skills that doesn't inspire my parishners to operate with integrity?" No priest thinks to call a communicologist (a leadership-relationship communication-skills coach) and ask, "What is it about my marriage-counseling skills that haven't been inspiring fidelity amongst my church members?" Or, "What is it about my leadership-communication skills that's causing attendance and tithings to remain static?" Also read: Big Isle pastor conflicted about welfare tithings.

For more about abuse read About the Spouse Abuse Tutorial (you are not eligible to do the tutorial because you are living/interacting with an abuser).

Note 1: This reply pertains equally to men and women in an abusive relationship.

Note 2: Please read about responsibility before posting a comment; nowhere in the reply does it blame either.

Note 3: Always tell new potential partners (upfront before the first kiss) about your addictions.

Re: "... for not hitting back, which often is the natural, but not always unacceptable, reaction." I would have written, "never" acceptable.

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Ha · July 4, 2017

Gabby totally blames the guy for being abused. Pretty funny.

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Gabby (mod) · Mar 28, 2015

Hi "Gabby's a bitch:" It would be of value if you had quoted the specific sentence (the very first one) that triggered your upset. i.e. "I don't agree with ..." When the subject of responsibility triggers upset it reveals that the person has one or more incidents for which they are blaming another(s).

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Gabby's a bitch · Mar 28, 2015

Gabby, shut the fuck up.

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Last edited 1/3/22

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