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The Clearing Process for Couples is a wonderful way
to transform rudimentary high school "communication" into mindless experiential loving intercourse—no techniques,
no skill required—you
already know how to do it so you can't fail. The process takes about 15-minutes. The process greatly expands upon ones
high school definitions of
the words get, be, clear, and clearing. To "get" refers to consciously intending another to say what they
to say to you and not reacting, not doing anything with it
verbally or non-verbally—such as adding a judgment, a frown, a comment, or advice. The better your "getting" skills, the safer you become for others to tell
you the truth. All infidelities begin with both partners
withholding a significant thought from the other.*
You may print out this page so that you both can read from it the first few times.
Note: After you have
successfully completed a few clearings you can clear anywhere, always
until there are no thoughts left. Its success is dependent
upon intention—yours—done consistently you'll know when
there's an
incomplete in the space.
Here's an
example of getting another's communication:
Partner: "I ran over
someone last night."
You: "Thanks. I got that. Is there anything
else about that?"
Partner: "Yes, I feel very bad about it."
You:
"I got that you feel badly. Is there anything else about that?"
Keep asking if there's anything else until they have no more thoughts about it.
Note: As you become more comfortable
with clearing, you'll find yourself using your own words. [ top ]
Here's how to
train someone to hide thoughts from you:
Partner: "I ran over someone
last night."
You: "YOU WHAT????? JESUS
CHRIST! And you waited till now
to tell me about it? Who was it? Did you tell the police??? Why did you .
. .?" In one fell swoop you judged them, made them wrong, invalidated
them and talked down (condescendingly) to them. A single interaction like
this between you and your child/partner and you will have trained them to hide certain thoughts from you.
Remember: The majority of parents teach their child to deceive
them—evidenced by the fact that most all teens con each other into
deceiving both sets of parents so as to have sex.
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Here's a description of a [free] Clearing Process for Couples:
(It's
also referred to as a "Be-with," "The Be-With Process"
or "Coupling").
If you are
thinking of asking your partner to do the Clearing Process for Couples
you
must first do
The [free] Clearing Process—then invite them to do the same, then you both can do
the couple's clearing.
The
following presupposes that your partner is committed to having the
relationship work and is willing to follow your instructions exactly as
outlined. If they balk and thwart your instructions then
your relationship is too damaged and you, not they, need coaching/counseling.
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Creating a safe space for communication to take place:
Read these
instructions silently to yourself several times times before asking your
partner to do the process. Read them aloud to yourself at least once.
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Make an agreement (time and place) for the process.
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You need two straight-backed chairs.
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Put a note on the door, "Please do not knock until _____ p.m., except for an emergency."
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Turn the phones/pagers off and mute the answering machine.
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Do the process indoors. There are too many distractions outside—bugs, temperature, etc.
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Step 1
Have your partner
sit first. Then move your chair directly opposite them so that you are as close
as you can get without touching them. Usually what works is for one person
to spread their legs and the other puts their knees between them, again,
not touching.
Sit up straight with your buttocks as far back into the
chair as possible. Rest your hands on your thighs. Have your partner do
the same (hands on his/her thighs). If they won't follow this first
instruction, to the letter, then stop the process. Your relationship is
too damaged. Once they are seated correctly begin Step 2.
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Step 2
Look into your partner's eyes and instruct them to keep looking into your
eyes.
You need to know that they may be extremely uncomfortable even though they
are your partner/parent/family member/spouse
and, you know they love you—still they are uncomfortable.
99% percent of married couples experience uncomfortableness at first.
The uncomfortableness
mirrors the number and kinds of thoughts both of you have been withholding
from each other.
The tendency is to look away. This is normal.
Verbally redirect their eyes to yours, keep doing this repeatedly saying,
"Look me in the eyes please" until they don't need to be reminded.
It is to be
expected, and normal, that one or both of you might start to giggle
uncontrollably. This is pent up emotions and energy. It is a
communication, and it will disappear within a few minutes. In truth it is
non-verbalized expressions of the experience of love. It's how we adapt to
uncomfortableness. Rather than trying to stop the giggling merely breath
deeply. Breathing facilitates centeredness and dissipates the charge.
Instruct him/her, "Breath with me" —as you dramatize taking a
deep breath.
Most importantly: Ensure
their head is on straight (not tilted or cocked to one side).
It is extremely important to correct this
continually. The free
Relationship
Communication Skills Tutorial covers the reasoning behind this in
depth; briefly, a tilted head is an unconscious control issue, it's
how another unconsciously controls you through submission. More
accurately, it's how you unconsciously manipulate another to control
you.
Double-check to make sure your partner's hands are on
their thighs and that they are still sitting up straight. Zero
slouching. If it looks/feels unnatural and Zen/military-like then you are
doing it correctly.
The long-range objective, after four or
five clearings with your partner, is to silently be with each other for fifteen minutes
without either needing to say or hear anything. However, this is
virtually impossible for couples new to being. Put another way,
couples who have mastered talking and are new to intentional
communication will find the clearing process uncomfortable at first.
It's your job to control your partner. You must take
control and instruct them. Again, if they won't follow your instructions,
if you can't get them postured and ready for Step 3 then stop the process.
Once the both of you have settled down and can look into each
other's eyes for at least 30 seconds without looking away, then you can
begin Step 3.
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Step 3
Begin by instructing your partner
to:
Communicate a thought.
Whatever their reply, you reply with,
Thank you. I got that. Is there anything else about that?
If they have
more, get it and then ask again, "Is there anything else about that?"
Repeat: "Communicate a thought"
and get it. Do this 10x.
Next ask your partner:
What are
you withholding from me?
Whatever their reply, you reply with,
Thank
you. I got that. Is there anything else about that?
If they reply with
more about it, repeat,
Thank you. I got that. Is there anything else
about that?
Keep doing this until they reply, "No" or "Nothing" or
"Nothing's there," or "Nothing comes up."
If you ask the question and
they are silent for a while, or if they reply, "I can't think of
anything." you reply,
Thank you. I got that. What are you withholding
from me?
Then you keep repeating the above process.
After you have
done this for about two minutes hand them the instructions so that they
can read the script and have them do the exact same for you.
First,
before they ask you the questions, double-check the postures to re-create
the space for communication to take place.
If, while they are listening
to you share a withhold, you see them nodding or smiling, say, "You're
smiling." and then continue. In other words, do not let them add
non-verbal judgments or encouragements. Nodding, smiling, etc. is an
unconscious con, it's an
interviewer's manipulation technique. It is a barrier to experiential
truthful communication.
Each take about ten turns and then stop (you'll
be the getter for ten times and the sharer for ten times).
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Your job is to be a safe space for the truth to be
told.
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If you add facial reactions, (shock, upset, hurt, sadness) it will shut down communication.
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If you nod as though you understand or agree with them it will shut down communication.
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If you act superior, understanding, condescending or
compassionate it will shut down communication.
In other words, your job is
be there for them expressionless, without adding judgments, your
personality, or your understanding.
If you feel like an
emotionless robot then you are doing a perfect job. [ top ]
Note: It is
virtually impossible to live in this world, with the present communication
model used and taught by educators nationwide, and not accumulate thousands upon thousands of withholds. The more
significant one's withholds the more resistant the mind will be to locating the
withholds.
A person who is free and clear of withholds is experienced
as lighthearted, humorous, loving, spontaneous, spacious, open,
trustworthy, responsible, a truly wonderful, easy-to-be-with being.
Men in particular will try to
"act" clear, as though they have no withholds. They honestly and sincerely
believe this to be true. It is not true. What's true is one's withholds
and incompletes are covered up with layers of unconsciousness. Your
partner has as many thoughts (yes, equally as many thoughts) they are withholding from you as you are
withholding from them; there are no exceptions to this entanglement
phenomenon. This is why
it's important to acknowledge the prolonged silence and ask again. Treat
the silence, the blank, as an important withhold. Be glad about it. With
intention you will be a safe space for them to share what has been hidden. [ top ]
Step 4
Double-check your postures and then ask:
Share verbally with
me for about two minutes your experience of the process.
While they do
that you sit expressionless and just get their considerations.
Then
have them ask you the same question.
Then announce:
That completes
the process. Thank you for being willing to follow my instructions.
Then relax and share spontaneously.
During this process you are always
totally responsible for the integrity of the process. If you slack off, or
modify it, or do it your way, the process will not work as well.
Worse
yet, you will have wasted their time, ripping them of from the enormous
value to be gotten from doing it correctly.
For example: The hands on the thighs are extremely
important. They reveal unconscious sabotage of the process. If when you
correct them they immediately position their hands correctly then you know
you still have control and that they are intent on supporting you in
having the process work. If you look down and see yours or their hands not
on the thighs, then you have gone unconscious. Hands-on-thighs is a
communication that represents an intention for the process to be of value.
Your goal
is to be able to be with your partner silently for 15 minutes. Why 15? It
is virtually impossible to be-with another for 15 minutes and hide a
thought—this assumes that you both have
cleared enough that both
of you are experiencing the experience of love upon completion. If there is no
experience of love, then there is a verbally unacknowledged withhold or
perpetration in the space, something is not being acknowledged.
The first few times you do the process
you are merely creating a safe space for the truth to be told. The mind
hides stuff from itself in layers; removing "getting" the first layer
during the first clearing will allow the next layer to appear.
The test
of whether you have been a safe space for all withholds to be shared is
that you both will experience the experience of love upon completion of
the clearing.
Once you get comfortable with the process you can add,
"For what in your life would you like to be acknowledged?" 10x (very few
people have been completely acknowledged for all of their good deeds and
perpetrations).
(read
Acknowledging a Veteran)
Clearings (a.k.a. bewiths) lead to synchronous
breathing together —truly experiential intercourse.
* If you are withholding one or more
significant thoughts from your partner you have
caused him/her
to withhold an equal (yes equal) number of thoughts from
you (there no exceptions to this phenomenon).
Once you have completed your five clearings you may continue emailing the
coach or use the
Message Board to submit feedback/comment and/or ask a question (free registration—email address
required, alias username OK).
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