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Should I marry man whose stepfather is a
pedophile? / Intend now to master inter-intra
personal communication or ???
Dear Prudie: I
have been dating "Troy" for just over a year. We are
not engaged but have talked about marriage and
children. Here's the problem: His stepfather is an
ex-convict. His crime? Child molesting. This
completely freaks me out. Troy tells me that he has
completely recovered and has been rehabilitated so
that he "no longer finds children sexually
appealing."
I told Troy that I do not want his stepfather
anywhere near my children when we have them, that I
don't want him at their birthday parties, and I
really would rather not even invite him to the
wedding as my nieces and nephew and other children
will be in attendance. I feel as though it would be
an immense betrayal to my brother and friends if I
knowingly allowed a child molester near their
children at any family events.
Troy has told me that he simply cannot NOT invite
his mother and stepfather to these gatherings (even
though he has distaste for both of them). He says
that although he would never leave the kids ALONE
with his stepfather, he sees no reason why they
cannot be around him with our supervision. Am I
being unreasonable or paranoid, or am I justified in
having these feelings? I feel as though this could
be the one thing that could prevent us from living
happily ever after. —Concerned for the Children
Prudie's Reply:
Dear Con: Your revulsion for Troy's stepfather is
understandable, but perhaps you will feel calmer if
you remind yourself that 1) you have no children, 2)
you are not married to Troy, and 3) there is not
even a wedding planned. In principle, it's agreed
that one would not want kids to even be in the same
room with a "recovered" pedophile. However, if
everyone is in a group, there is little possibility
of him harming a child.
Your young man is right about protecting the
children through supervision but mistaken about
something else: Pedophilia is an affliction for
which there is rarely a "cure." You should
familiarize yourself with the issue of pedophilia
and decide, together, how the two of you would
handle this detail if there were to be a wedding.
—Prudie, informationally
Gabby's Reply:
Hi Concerned: Few women are presented with this kind
of problem up-front while dating. For many it
"happens" later, unconsciously (not from choice). I
can't help but wonder what this is about for you
karmically.
For example: It used to be that
parents who gave birth to, say, a child with Down
Syndrome, usually didn't know until delivery that
such was their karma. They only discovered later, as
the child grew, that the love that comes from such
overwhelming disappointment and grief and the
subsequent challenge (the millions of
conversations—truthful communications—such parents
have, that others don't) that the challenge was
exactly what was wanted and needed for they
themselves to grow. I mention this because you now
have a choice; you can back away and look for what
appears to be more normal types of life/marriage
problems, or, you can jump in with both feet (beyond
the level of Ph.D.) and master something very few
people have mastered. My sense is that even if you
were to back away you would later create another
equally challenging purpose requiring extraordinary
leadership skills. Such seems to be your path.
I noticed what's missing from your description
of your relationship with Troy is, "I absolutely
love him." This could be a clue. Do The
Clearing Process for Professionals and
then invite Troy to do it. Then you both can do The
Clearing Process for Couples, it will
definitely support you in your decision. If you
are not normally a loving person, if you have not
created the experience of joyous love with him, if
you brought your, "Show me what you've got and then I
might love you" pattern into the relationship then I
advise immediate
estrangement.
Re:
"I told Troy that I do not want his stepfather
anywhere near my children when we have them, that I
don't want him at their birthday parties, . . ."
Even though you are telling what you believe to be
the truth here, expressing a "want," it comes across
as an empty threat. To Troy it's clearly just a
consideration, it's not substantive,
it's not
actionable*; to him it's
negotiable; you are connable.
You didn't communicate it as a deal-breaker. One
major difference between a want and an intention is
that a want is a thought being considered as to
whether to make it (the want) an intention or not.
Until it's formulated (stated/acknowledged) as an
intention it's only a want, a wish. It verges on
being a lie. Intentions are measured by results. I
say I want to take a month-long ocean cruise yet I
continue to vacation where I live here in Hawaii. My
sense is that your want is an unconscious lie (we'll
know for sure if/when his mother and stepfather
attend the wedding, if there is one). Your mixed
message confuses Troy; it will have undesirable
consequences. Later, when you have "given in" and
married him, he'll have proof that you don't always
mean what you say. Such ambivalence doesn't support
clarity and finality and uncrossable boundaries for
others around you. Read about implied wedding
vows.
*
Example of actionable or substantive
—greatly exaggerated here to make a point:
You: "If he has a relapse will you
agree to cut off your penis?" Troy:
"I can't make that kind of an agreement; he could
possibly have a freakish relapse."
When I say, "jump in . . . and master" I
mean that you will have to assume the roll of
leader, counselor, mediator, and facilitator in all of
your relationships. I recommend that you read
(several times, at well-spaced intervals) our Community
Support Group Project, specifically,
about parolees and recidivism.
It addresses,
at several levels of awareness, much of what you
will need to address if you are to bring about a
transformation in yours and everyone's life.
Stepfather cannot rehabilitate himself as long as he
continues to relate with those that originally
enabled him to molest. Specifically
the family and friends (the enablers) must be
willing to undergo as much counseling
as the "perpetrator."
Another recommendation is for you to attend and
complete The
Landmark Forum. I
believe it is presently the definitive confront (a
veritable Boot Camp for life) for
those intent on making a difference. It
will empower you in enrolling others in your
purpose, specifically, your family-healing project. You
will have to insist that Troy and his mother and his
stepfather get therapy. If they refuse, if
you can't inspire (enroll) them to do so, then I
advise that you estrange yourself
from the relationship and intend to attract someone
who values you. It's up to them to recognize that
you are a jewel, that they have an exceptional
opportunity to bring you into their family.
If you don't take
personal responsibility for "stepfather's" behaviors
it could create the problem you resist most, him having
a relapse.
Troy is naive about pedophilia. He
lies, albeit unconsciously, ". . . has completely
recovered and has been rehabilitated so that he 'no
longer finds children sexually appealing," and,
Troy doesn't know he's lying. Worse yet, you unconsciously
bought into his lie. I.e. "Troy, is there a remote
possibility that he might have a relapse?" Without
Troy's positive support his mother and stepfather
will remain unconscious, oblivious as to their
cause—how their leadership-communication
skills produced this result.
Another
indicator of Troy's denial (of the magnitude of the
problem) is that you appear
to have only found out about this family skeleton
recently,
instead of on the first date. Read: An
inconsiderate gift to give a prospective partner.
To not tell a date, up front, is at best
irresponsible. Most consider it a deception, a
withhold similar to a possible wedding night aside, "By the
way, I have AIDS." The way he handled it verges on a
devious con. It's a pattern Troy needs to address
during his individual 50-hours of therapy. Bringing
you into such a family without a warning, without
you being able to choose up front if you'd be
willing to find a way to make it work for all
concerned, is not a gift of
love.
Lest you become stuck in
holier-than-thou, you also are
out-integrity.
Notice that your integrity is such that you didn't
automatically inspire him to be honest with you
upfront. If you were committed to operating from
integrity he would have had no choice other than to
be open and honest with you. Also, "upon finding out
about "stepfather" you would have spontaneously
shared your thoughts and called or written and
shared your considerations about him with him. And,
most importantly, you are withholding a significant
[possibly deal-breaking thought] from him.
I'm
quite certain that Troy's mother has not attended as
many hours of counseling and therapy as his
stepfather has, and that neither have attended
extensive therapy together. I have no reality that
anyone has gotten to the source of the stepfather's
addiction. You will have to insist on getting into
communication with the stepfather's parents
(possibly your eventual children's grandparents).
During such conversations you will be able to sense,
or not, what kind of psychic support you can expect
from them. Worst case scenario—they are in denial or
oblivious as to how their leadership-communication
skills drove their child to abuse youngsters. Read
as far as your mind will allow about Communications
in Support of Health.
Have each parent, separately, acknowledged his/her
cause in the matter? How much therapy have they done
with their son? In other words, this is an extended
family-community support group process.
The
meetings you will have to
insist upon, schedule, coordinate, and facilitate will
be similar to AA meetings or support groups for
enablers. You will have to set up an education
program for all the relatives and their children.
You will have to educate their children about
touching and hugging, with role playing—what to do
if anyone (especially Uncle Pedophile) does _ _ _ or
says _ _ _. The pedophile must be present at such
meetings. Uncle Pedophile will himself have to
communicate to each child, directly in the eyes,
"I have what appears to be a life-long
addiction. I can't even be trusted to know the
truth or to tell the truth. The only time you
can hug me is if an adult is present. Is this
clear? If I look at you or touch you in a way
that feels uncomfortable, when an adult is not
present, you must promise me that you will tell
your parents. Can I trust you to do that? Let's
practice. I'll touch you on the hand and we'll
pretend that it doesn't feel right. Then you
turn to your Mom and say, 'Uncle touched me.'
OK?"
This must be done with each child. Uncle must then
sit with each adult and ask each to share all that's
on their minds about him, and promise to communicate
future considerations/rumors to him first, before
going to others behind his back. And here's the
biggie—you will have to have Uncle agree to sit with
you, or a communication-skills coach, weekly and
communicate all thoughts and withholds no matter how
repugnant, or weird, or sick they may appear to be
to you. The truth told always disappears a problem.
Uncle will be fine as long as he has at
least one person with whom he has an agreement to
say what's on his mind, zero significant thoughts
withheld.Ultimately, undesirable
behavior is a consequence of—the parents not being
in-communication with their child, not being a safe
space for the child to share the "weird" and "sick"
thoughts, especially the thoughts about sex, and
of—not conducting a Parent-Child
Clearing Process each night
at bedtime. All pedophilia begins
with a thought withheld.
Presently,
you
do not have the
leadership-communication skills to pull off and
sustain a mutually satisfying relationship with that
family. Your present communication model
will generate breakdowns
in communication.
You will need to
immerse yourself in the study of Intentional
Communication including Clearings.
One of the fundamentals of Intentional Communication
is to only interact intimately (close
friends-family-loved ones) with people who are
willing to be supported in communicating
responsibly, from cause. In short, to pull this off you will
first have to engage the services of a
communication-skills coach and have him/her on speed
dial. Put another way, you will have to start your
own commune consisting of those willing to relate
according to a set of extremely specific agreements.
Keep in mind that thousands upon thousands of
alienated, idealistic, love-oriented,
service-oriented, religious-oriented individuals (in
isolated rural commune settings) have tried to do
what you're looking at, but few succeed. To do it
while living and functioning as a family in a
society in which there is virtually no agreement
that a pedophile can complete his/her experience of
pedophilia has yet, as far as I know, to be done. The
curriculum is in fact a path to enlightenment.
The other possibility is for Troy to
agree to estrange himself
from all communications with his entire family.
He would issue an ultimatum that they each must
complete 50-hours of individual therapy and another
50-hours together with him, of group therapy, before
he ever communicates
with even one of them, for
life. The emphasis is on complete. In other
words, you need assurance that you are not marrying
an enabler, someone addicted to interacting with
sick people, else you'll reveal your own addiction
to having such problems so as to hide an equally big
one of your own.
Do insist that all concerned
read this reply.
A great letter, of immense
value to many. —Thank you, Gabby
To ask a question please go to Dear
Gabby's Message Board (free
- registration required).
Last
edited 5/23/22
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