Responsible Estrangement—in support of abuse-free personal relationships.



Dictionary Definition of Estrangement

Dumping vs. Estrangement

Reasons for Estrangement

How to Estrange yourself Responsibly



Estrangement, as pertains to personal relationships, is a commitment to having abuse-free personal relationships. Living a lie, saying you don't want abuse in your life (that you're not intending it), yet opting for more of the same for another 24-hours, not only reveals the lie, it compounds the consequences; from now on, abuse, including abusively setting it up to be abused (conning another into abusing you), will be premeditated.*

To put your hand in a rattler's den is to cause the bite; to do it a second time (knowing the possibilities) reveals premeditation. With spouse abuse there are no victims or bullies, only consensual adversaries, both addicted to lying and blaming the other. What causes abuse to persist is the lie. The test? Try on for size the following: "I've been lying, saying I don't want abuse, yet I keep producing it—what have I been up to that I would abuse another and abusively intend another to abuse me? What's the lesson (the truth) I've refused to acknowledge? —Kerry

Dictionary Definition of Estrangement:


  1. to turn away in feeling or affection; make unfriendly or hostile; alienate the affections of; parents who seldom hug each other have also become stuck doing their imitation of communication with their child.

2. to remove or keep at a distance: The necessity of traveling on business has estranged him from his family. The way to distance yourself is to withhold a significant thought (to deceive another) — premeditated deceit by choice abusively dooms you and your partner to a life with little or no joy and ecstasy.

3. to divert from the original use or possessor. Through your leadership-communication skills your partner is no longer the happy person they were when you met them, and, you find yourself blaming them.

to refrain from all verbal, non-verbal, and physical interactions; to recess another from ones personal/social life: The abuse became such that I had to get away so as to find out if I'm capable of living/relating without abusing or setting another up to abuse me.**

The word estrange is the nearest we can get (pun intended) to removing or keeping at a distance, to not interacting with someone. The word affections in the above definition can be misleading, it's not to be confused with love. Love, like water on the other side of the faucet, is always there. Love is not dependent upon proximity. If you are not experiencing love with someone it doesn't mean the love is not there, it just means that you are not in-communication with him/her, there are some conversations you've yet to have with him/her; specifically, you are withholding one or more significant thoughts from him/her.   You have created a breakdown in communication; they have some thoughts that you need to get (to draw out, to extract) without drama. Once you've both emptied your mind (the collective mind between you) of all thoughts and considerations, including all withholds (secrets, judgments, things you'd change about them), all unacknowledged (hidden) perpetrations, good and bad acknowledgments, what's left is love. To put it another way, you have not created a safe space for them to share their thoughts; you have been doing your imitation of communication.


Note: The instant you withhold a thought from your partner you automatically cause them to withhold a thought from you. There are no exceptions to this entanglement phenomenon. In other words, all instances of infidelity (all deceptions) began on the first date when the "victim" withheld a significant thought from their date (again, no exceptions).

Married couples become stuck talking at each other; both lapse into doing their imitation of communication—both have an equal (yes equal) number of significant thoughts they have been withholding from the other. In other words, talking produces more of the same less-than-desirable results; the experience of love is a by-product of communication, of genuine intercourse.

For example: If you've been non-verbally communicating, "You're not my #10 (my ideal)." you'll notice that it has caused more of the same less-than-satisfying results. You partner senses what it would be like to be cherished and you, because of the withholds between you, can't.  You know or have a sense of what love is and this ain't it. When a thought (a significant withhold) is communicated verbally the relationship is transformed. For example: One of the most damaging thoughts a partner can withhold is that a former lover had mastered oral sex. Mastery (genuine experiential intercourse) requires open, honest, and spontaneous communication, no significant withholds. Once all thoughts have been shared verbally it creates space for potential, for an experience of communication, of love.

One cannot not have a relationship. We are always having a relationship with everyone; with some we interact frequently and, there are millions and millions we have yet to meet, still, we are all related. In other words, one cannot end a relationship; one can only complete it in its present form.





Dumping vs. Estrangement:


We've all mastered dumping; we've found something wrong with someone and simply avoided them (as much as possible), most often for life. Euphemistically this act of bringing someone into our life and then giving up on them, keeping them at arm's length (without communicating verbally to them specifically, exactly what they did to warrant the shunning and what they can/must do to interact with you again) is referred to as dumping.***  It's also referred to as avoiding, restraining, recessing, separating, distancing, shunning, through-with, or divorcing. Many young adults unconsciously distance themselves geographically from their parents/in-laws; they manufacture a logical reasonable reason/circumstance so as to interact with them as little as possible. They do this without telling the parents verbally, precisely, what it is about them they don't like, can't stand or respect, or the specific behavior(s) they object to. This pattern of withholding thoughts, ostensibly in the name of harmony, creates even more breakdowns in communication. This withholding-behavior follows one to each new location/relationship and serves as a barrier to creating and sustaining the experience of health, happiness, and prosperity. In other words, dumping another, even for a safe or sane reason, ultimately has undesirable consequences (karma).

Sometimes all it takes is a glance at a stranger in a grocery store, at which time, in less than a second, we create, have, and complete a relationship with them. It's referred to as entanglement —when we simply observe another we instantaneously cause them to be like, or not be like, what we intend them to be.  This way of interacting and relating is referred to as the Adversarial Communication Model. It's not even experienced as a communication; what's missing is acknowledgment and of course, love. At some level it doesn't feel good to you (the dumper) or to the dumped. This communication model (this way of relating) is taught to all education majors (teachers) and is therefore emulated by most all high school graduates (parents and citizens).



There's something about our leadership-communication skills that produces results that often don't feel good to one or more parties. We honestly believe that there's something wrong with the other person—if only they would change everything would be fine. We  have found something wrong with the other person and we want to change them, yet, we know that trying to change another's behavior is not love. At some level we can't feel good about ourselves knowing we are addicted to shunning. What's missing is a way for the dumped to come back into your life. Shunning (such as a Temporary Restraining Order) effectively serves them (and you) temporarily, however, shunning them indefinitely doesn't serve you. Without providing the dumped a way back into your life, (not necessarily close or intimate, but definitely loving and supportive) you'll both keep repeating the same behaviors that produced the estrangement. It's called adversarial because it supports us/them, win/lose, bigger is better, surviving, passing/getting ahead of, at the expense of another, withholding, and, show me what you've got and then I might fall in love with you. The adversarial communication model is easy to identify because it's characterized by withholding, blaming, make-wrongs, gossiping and badmouthing. Dumping someone closes your mind to your cause in the matter, to the fact that you (albeit unconsciously) intended them to communicate the way they did, that it was your karma that drew them into your life. Dumping communicates non-verbally, "My rock-solid belief is that no communication, or activity—nothing short of a mind-blowing experience—could change my mind or the way I think and feel about you." In other words, shunning another for life reveals an unacknowledged belief that no amount of therapy or counseling could change me to the extent that it would also change you, that there is no such thing as personal transformation. i.e. "Pedophiles will always be pedophiles." If you hold that another couldn't possibly change then the same holds true for you.



There is a way to estrange yourself from another responsibly but it requires that you first be willing to acknowledge that you, using your highly developed leadership-communication skills, masterminded (however unconscious you may have been) the present condition, the result (the abuse, the cheating, the divorce). You must be willing to acknowledge that the genius in you brought that person/family member into your life, for an as yet unknown but brilliant reason, so as to mirror something about you in support of enlightenment, of communication mastery.


Reasons for estrangement:


There are valid and responsible reasons to estrange yourself from another or from your family. i.e. Something about the way you communicate, your leadership-communication skills, produces friction and abuse.

  • Perhaps you are addicted to setting it up for another to abuse you and to blaming them for starting it—this is referred to as entrapment—it is both unethical and abusive of you to do this.

  • Something about your leadership-communication skills produces mediocrity, unhealthy choices, or even ill health.  You don't inspire others to excel; instead, despite your best efforts, you seem to cause those you relate with to opt for mediocrity. i.e. Your spouse is an overweight couch potato or your child is misbehaving, sneaky, or failing in school.

  • You don't inspire a commitment to honoring agreements; perhaps you have driven your partner into the arms of another and find yourself blaming them because you didn't insist on a clear verbal/written fidelity agreement.

  • Using your leadership-communication skills you magnetically, karmically, attracted someone to mirror you and the fact that you need an equal amount of therapy/counseling. The premise—no conscious, well adjusted, person would choose to socially interact with an immature person who needs help/therapy. You cause friction and arguments instead of harmony.

  • Those around you are addicted to making you/others wrong and to finding fault, they seem to have no choice other than to act that way especially when they are around you. A good test is to notice the effects you have on others when the family gathers for holidays. It ain't them.

  • You see now that you were unconscious when you chose to repeatedly hang out with someone needing therapy and, that you didn't think to check out their integrity or the integrity of their family and friends; possibly you didn't warn them about your dysfunctionall family—prior abusive relationship(s).

  • You have been stuck withholding thoughts, your integrity is so out that the relationship seems to be unfixable; you find yourself wanting to blame others for the results your deception (the very first thought you withheld) has produced.

Estrangement is a commitment to having abuse-free relationships. Recessing yourself from a relationship allows you to realize that you were in fact the source of (the cause of) the abuse; until then, the mind believed that the other was the cause, for certain more abusive. This often comes from the belief that physical abuse is worse than (not as bad as) verbal, non-verbal, or psychic abuse. "Victims" most always honestly believe that the other is the source of the abuse; they cannot see that they unconsciously intend the abuse (for some yet-to-be-realized truths), that how they (the "victim") communicate (mostly non-verbally) triggers disrespect, contempt, and anger.



How to estrange yourself responsibly:

Due to the fact that your verbal communication-skills automatically trigger abusive arguments it's best that you send them the following in writing [unless of course your addiction to creating abuse is such that you need to engage them verbally so as to trigger an argument]. In a situation where you're intent on estranging yourself from your entire family write separately to each member. Use your own words, also, keep a hard copy for yourself.

For example: Dear___: There is something about my leadership-communication skills that keeps producing undesirable results in my relationship with you. I need to find out what it is about me that keeps producing these results. I need to know that I'm able to inspire supportive harmony. I am going to be taking a recess from all interactions with you (to include telephone/text messages, letters, gifts, and cards). During this recess I intend to work on myself; I'll let you know when I believe I've had a breakthrough. If you would like to help shorten the recess time you can let me know when you have completed 25-hours of counseling/therapy or you have engaged the support of a leadership-communication skills coach. Please honor my request by not trying to contact me.****



Note 1: This estrangement-communication will not work if you can't be trusted to follow through with the estrangement. If you are lying, if you don't mean it, they will intuit it and disrespect your request, especially if you're doing it to change them or to fix the relationship. You will in fact set it up for them to call you so that you can get your fix of abuse. To have a better sense of why it's important for them to do an equal amount of healing—read Parole—The First 24 Hours —it's the premise behind the Community Support Group Project.

Note 2: As with an alcoholic, if you threaten to leave an abuse addict they will promise to change and not be abusive (or drink). However, their addiction is such that they cannot keep such an agreement; in truth, you don't command the respect that will inspire an addict to honor such an agreement.

Note 3: Now that the above thoughts have entered your mind, as with all communications, you will now be communicating anything that might have resonated with you; you might non-verbally communicate an ever so slight difference in your attitude, that things are about to change. It could very well be excitement—clarity does that.


* Please keep in mind—this is stuff you already know.

** In the enlightenment game one first masters communicating with oneself, one's family, and childhood friends. Once one is able to be happy and healthy and is generating a small income from chores or an after-school job, then one dates and brings in a partner and masters communicating with another and both sets of families. In the process of mastering relationship with self and others one creates a primary relationship; they then notice that life stops working as expected. This is due partly because the couple excluded others; the couple slowly withdrew from childhood friends without ensuring their growth and happiness as well (the couple becomes stuck in personal survival and gratification). Serving others, ones community, is a curriculum that causes one's personal relationships to continue working and expanding. The way to recreate satisfaction (the experience of life working) is to take your communication skills out into the community and share what works with others; this curriculum is referred to as mastering communication at the level of group/community/organization, usually characterized by enrolling another/others in an endeavor you support. It's also referred to as service or serving others. Put another way, if you get your life/relationships working great and fail to share it with others then you'll lose it (it's referred to as crashing and burning). The way to expand upon the experience of happiness, success, health, and prosperity is to be willing to master communication at the level of society and world. Typically what happens is one is not happy and so they find a partner who is also not happy and together they try to be happy which most always results in both partners succumbing to mediocrity (neither functioning anywhere near a level of excellence) neither making a significant positive difference in their community/world, neither having discovered/created their purpose in life. This ass-backwards curriculum usually results in a divorce (crashing/burning) so that one can then clean up the messes and begin again.

*** Telling the truth to another, as to why you don't want to interact with them until they ... requires that you do so without making him/her wrong. Your estrangement-communication must be communicated responsibly. "You are abusive" may be a truth, however, what's missing is your cause for the outcome. What did you do or not do that granted them permission to be abusive the second time without having cleaned up, acknowledged, their first instance of abuse.  For example: You: "That didn't feel good. Partner: "I get that that didn't feel good." If you non-verbally sanction the very first abuse, you become cause for all successive abuses. You may have created a condition of disrespect because you conned your date into deceiving both sets of parents so as to have sex. When you con a date into conning you into deceiving your parents you know that they do not communicate openly, honestly with their own parents—a predictor as to what to expect. 


**** Most always the other person is so addicted to abuse that they will not/cannot honor your request for zero communications. You've trained them to know that your no's don't always mean no.  What they don't realize is that when they blatantly arrogantly ignore your request for estrangement it's tantamount to date rape, at best, it's bullying. They intuit that because your respective cons have complimented each other, that because they've been able to con you in the past—because you don't always mean what you say—this time is no different. If you set it up for them to disregard your request (if you talk with them after saying you won't) you will have compounded their disrespect of you (Read About The Spouse Abuse Tutorial).


**** More accurately, because you, using your leadership-communication skills, conned them (set them up) to con (to manipulate) you.


Complimentary reading: My sister won't talk with us.


Permission to quote is always granted via email or Contact Us providing you acknowledge Kerry (the coach) or Community Communications.


Last edited 9/18/17


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