Estrangement, as pertains to personal
relationships, is a commitment to having abuse-free personal relationships.
Living a lie, saying you don't want abuse in your life (that you're not
intending it), yet opting for more of the same for another 24-hours, not
reveals the lie, it compounds the consequences; from now on,
abuse, including abusively setting it up to be abused (conning
another into abusing you), will be
To put your hand in a rattler's den is to
cause the bite; to do it a second time (knowing the possibilities) reveals premeditation.
With spouse abuse there are no victims or bullies, only consensual adversaries,
both addicted to lying and blaming the other. What
causes abuse to persist is the lie. The test? Try on for size the
following: "I've been lying, saying I don't want abuse, yet I keep producing it—what have I been up to that I would
abuse another and abusively intend
another to abuse me? What's the lesson (the truth) I've refused to
1. to turn away in feeling or affection; make
unfriendly or hostile; alienate the affections
of; parents who
seldom hug each other have also
become stuck doing their
imitation of communication
with their child.
2. to remove or keep at a
distance: The necessity of traveling on business has
estranged him from his family. The way to distance
yourself is to withhold a significant thought (to deceive
another) — premeditated deceit by choice abusively
dooms you and your partner to a life with little or no joy
3. to divert from the original use or
Through your leadership-communication skills your
partner is no longer the happy person they were when
you met them, and, you find yourself blaming them.
refrain from all verbal, non-verbal, and physical
interactions; to recess another from ones personal/social life: The
abuse became such that I had to get away so as to find out if I'm
capable of living/relating without abusing or setting another up to
The word estrange is the nearest we can
get (pun intended) to removing or keeping at a distance, to not
interacting with someone. The word affections
in the above definition can be misleading, it's not to be confused with
love. Love, like water on the other side of the faucet, is always there. Love is not dependent upon proximity. If you
are not experiencing love with someone it
doesn't mean the love is not there, it just means
that you are not in-communication with him/her, there are some
conversations you've yet to have with him/her; specifically, you are
withholding one or more significant thoughts from him/her.You
have created a
breakdown in communication; they
have some thoughts that you need to get (to draw out, to extract) without drama. Once you've both emptied your
mind (the collective mind between you) of all
thoughts and considerations, including all
judgments, things you'd change about them), all unacknowledged (hidden)
perpetrations, good and bad acknowledgments, what's left is
love. To put it another way, you have not created a safe space for them
to share their thoughts; you have been doing your
imitation of communication.
Note: The instant you withhold a thought
from your partner you automatically cause them to withhold a thought
from you. There are no exceptions to this
entanglement phenomenon. In other words, all instances of
infidelity (all deceptions) began on the first date when the "victim" withheld a
significant thought from their date (again, no exceptions).
become stuck talking at each other; both lapse into doing their
imitation of communication—both have an equal (yes
equal) number of significant thoughts they have been
withholding from the other. In other words, talking produces more of the same less-than-desirable results;
the experience of love is a by-product of
communication, of genuine intercourse.
For example: If you've been non-verbally communicating, "You're not my #10
(my ideal)." you'll
notice that it has caused more of the same less-than-satisfying results.
You partner senses what it would be like to be cherished and
you, because of the withholds between you, can't. You know or have a sense of what love is and this ain't it. When a thought (a
significant withhold) is communicated verbally the relationship is
For example: One of the most damaging thoughts a partner can withhold is that
a former lover had mastered oral sex.
experiential intercourse) requires open,
honest, and spontaneous communication, no significant withholds.
Once all thoughts have been shared verbally it creates space for
potential, for an experience of communication, of love.
One cannot not have a relationship. We are
always having a relationship with everyone; with some we interact
frequently and, there are millions and millions we have yet to meet, still, we are all
related. In other words, one cannot end a relationship; one can
only complete it in its present form.
We've all mastered dumping; we've found
something wrong with someone and simply avoided them (as much as
possible), most often for life.
act of bringing someone into our life and then giving up on them,
keeping them at arm's length (without communicating verbally to them
specifically, exactly what they did to warrant the shunning and what they can/must do to interact with you
again) is referred to as dumping.*** It's also referred to as avoiding,
restraining, recessing, separating, distancing, shunning, through-with, or
Many young adults
unconsciously distance themselves geographically from their parents/in-laws; they
manufacture a logical reasonable reason/circumstance so as to interact with them as
little as possible. They do this without telling the parents verbally,
precisely, what it is about them they don't like, can't stand or
respect, or the specific behavior(s) they object to. This pattern of withholding
thoughts, ostensibly in the name of harmony, creates even more
breakdowns in communication.
This withholding-behavior follows one to each new location/relationship
and serves as a barrier to creating and sustaining the experience of
health, happiness, and prosperity. In other words, dumping another, even
for a safe or sane reason, ultimately has undesirable consequences
Sometimes all it
takes is a glance at a stranger in a grocery store, at which time, in
less than a second,
we create, have, and complete a relationship with them. It's referred to as
entanglement —when we simply observe another we instantaneously
cause them to be like, or not be like, what we intend them to be. This way of interacting and relating is referred to as the
Adversarial Communication Model. It's not even experienced as
a communication; what's missing is
and of course, love. At some
level it doesn't feel good to you (the dumper) or to the dumped. This
communication model (this way of relating) is taught to all education
majors (teachers) and is therefore emulated by most all high school
graduates (parents and citizens).
There's something about our
leadership-communication skills that produces results that often don't
feel good to one or more parties. We honestly believe that there's
something wrong with the other person—if only they would change
everything would be fine. We have found something wrong with the
other person and we want to change them, yet, we know that trying to
change another's behavior is not love. At some level we can't feel good
about ourselves knowing we are addicted to shunning. What's missing is a way for the dumped to come
back into your life. Shunning (such as a Temporary Restraining
Order) effectively serves them (and you)
temporarily, however, shunning them indefinitely doesn't serve you.
Without providing the dumped a way back into your life, (not necessarily
close or intimate, but definitely loving and supportive) you'll both
keep repeating the same behaviors that produced the estrangement.
It's called adversarial because it
supports us/them, win/lose, bigger is better, surviving, passing/getting
ahead of, at the expense of another, withholding, and, show me what you've got and then I
might fall in love with you. The adversarial communication model is easy to identify because it's characterized by
withholding, blaming, make-wrongs, gossiping and badmouthing.
Dumping someone closes your mind to your cause
in the matter, to the fact that you (albeit unconsciously) intended them
to communicate the way they did, that it was your karma that drew them
into your life.
Dumping communicates non-verbally, "My
rock-solid belief is that no communication, or activity—nothing short of
a mind-blowing experience—could change my mind or the way I think and
feel about you." In other words, shunning another for life reveals an
unacknowledged belief that no amount of therapy or counseling could
change me to the extent that it would also change you, that there is no
such thing as personal transformation. i.e. "Pedophiles will always be
pedophiles." If you hold that another couldn't possibly change then
the same holds true for you.
There is a way to estrange yourself from another
responsibly but it requires that you first be willing to acknowledge
that you, using your highly developed leadership-communication skills,
masterminded (however unconscious you may have been) the present
condition, the result (the abuse, the cheating, the divorce). You must be willing to acknowledge that the
genius in you brought that person/family member into your life, for an
as yet unknown but brilliant reason, so as to mirror something about you
in support of enlightenment, of communication mastery.
There are valid and responsible reasons to
estrange yourself from another or from your family. i.e. Something about
the way you communicate, your leadership-communication skills,
produces friction and abuse.
Perhaps you are addicted to setting it up for another to abuse you
and to blaming them for starting it—this is referred to as
entrapment—it is both unethical and
abusive of you to do this.
Something about your
leadership-communication skills produces
choices, or even ill health. You don't inspire others to excel;
instead, despite your best efforts, you seem to cause those you
relate with to opt for mediocrity. i.e.
Your spouse is an overweight couch potato or your child is
misbehaving, sneaky, or failing in school.
You don't inspire a commitment to honoring
agreements; perhaps you have driven your partner into the arms of
another and find yourself blaming them because you didn't insist on
a clear verbal/written
Using your leadership-communication skills
you magnetically, karmically, attracted someone to mirror you and
the fact that you need an equal amount of therapy/counseling. The
premise—no conscious, well adjusted, person would choose to
socially interact with an immature person who needs help/therapy. You cause friction and arguments instead of
Those around you are addicted to making you/others wrong
and to finding fault, they seem to have no choice other than to act that
way especially when they are around you. A good test is to notice the effects
you have on others when the family gathers for holidays. It
You have been stuck withholding thoughts,
your integrity is so out that the relationship seems to be
unfixable; you find yourself wanting to blame others for the results
your deception (the very first thought you withheld) has produced.
Estrangement is a commitment to having abuse-free relationships. Recessing yourself from a relationship allows
you to realize that you were in fact the source of (the cause of) the
abuse; until then, the mind believed that the other was the cause, for
certain more abusive. This often comes from the belief that physical abuse is
worse than (not as bad as) verbal, non-verbal, or psychic abuse. "Victims" most
always honestly believe that the other is the source of the abuse; they
cannot see that they unconsciously intend the abuse (for some yet-to-be-realized truths), that how they
(the "victim") communicate (mostly non-verbally)
triggers disrespect, contempt, and anger.
Due to the fact that your verbal communication-skills automatically trigger abusive arguments
it's best that you send them the following in writing [unless of course your addiction to creating
abuse is such that you need to engage them verbally so as to trigger an argument].
In a situation where you're intent on estranging yourself from
your entire family write separately to each member. Use your own
words, also, keep
a hard copy for yourself.
For example: Dear___: There is something about my
leadership-communication skills that keeps producing undesirable results
in my relationship with you. I need to find out what it is about me that
keeps producing these results. I need to know that I'm able to inspire
supportive harmony. I am going to be taking a recess from all
interactions with you (to include telephone/text messages, letters,
gifts, and cards). During this recess I intend to work on myself; I'll
let you know when I believe I've had a breakthrough. If you would
like to help shorten the recess time you can let me know when you have
completed 25-hours of counseling/therapy or you have engaged the support of a
leadership-communication skills coach. Please honor my request by not
trying to contact me.****
Note 1: This
estrangement-communication will not work if you can't be trusted to follow
through with the estrangement. If you are lying, if you don't mean it,
they will intuit it and disrespect your request, especially if you're
doing it to change them or to fix the relationship. You will in fact set it up for them to call you so that you can get your
fix of abuse. To have a better sense
of why it's important for them to do an equal amount of healing—read
Parole—The First 24 Hours
—it's the premise behind the Community Support Group Project.
Note 2: As with an alcoholic, if you threaten to
leave an abuse addict they will promise to change and not be abusive (or
However, their addiction is such that they cannot keep
such an agreement; in truth, you don't command the respect that will
inspire an addict to honor such an agreement.
Note 3: Now that the above
thoughts have entered your mind, as with all communications, you
will now be communicating anything that might have
resonated with you; you might non-verbally communicate an
ever so slight difference in your attitude, that things are about to
change. It could very well be excitement—clarity does that.
Please keep in mind—this is stuff you already know.
** In the enlightenment game one first masters communicating with
oneself, one's family,
and childhood friends. Once one is able to be happy and healthy
and is generating a small income from chores or an after-school job, then one
dates and brings in a
partner and masters communicating with another and both sets of
families. In the process of mastering relationship with self and others
one creates a primary relationship; they then notice that life stops working as expected.
This is due partly because the couple excluded
others; the couple slowly withdrew from childhood friends without
ensuring their growth and happiness as well (the couple becomes stuck in personal survival and
Serving others, ones community, is a curriculum that causes one's personal relationships to continue working
The way to recreate satisfaction (the experience
of life working) is to take your communication skills out into the
community and share what works with others; this curriculum is referred
to as mastering communication at the level of
group/community/organization, usually characterized by enrolling
another/others in an endeavor you support. It's also referred to as
service or serving others.
Put another way, if you get your
life/relationships working great and fail to share it with others then
you'll lose it (it's referred to as crashing and burning). The way to
expand upon the experience of happiness, success, health, and prosperity
is to be willing to master communication at the level of society and
world. Typically what happens is one is not happy and so they find a
partner who is also not happy and together they try to be happy which
most always results in both partners succumbing to
functioning anywhere near a level of excellence) neither making a
significant positive difference in their community/world, neither having
discovered/created their purpose in life. This ass-backwards curriculum
usually results in a divorce (crashing/burning) so that one can then
clean up the messes and begin again.
Telling the truth to another, as to why you don't want to interact
with them until they ... requires that you do so without making
him/her wrong. Your estrangement-communication must be communicated
responsibly. "You are abusive" may be a truth, however, what's
missing is your cause for the outcome. What did you do or not do
that granted them permission to be abusive
the second time without
having cleaned up, acknowledged, their first instance of abuse.
For example: You: "That didn't
feel good. Partner: "I get that that didn't feel
good." If you non-verbally sanction the
very first abuse, you become cause for all successive abuses.
You may have created a condition of disrespect because you conned
your date into deceiving both sets of parents so as to have sex.
When you con a date into conning you into deceiving your parents you
know that they do not communicate openly, honestly with their own
parents—a predictor as to what to expect.
**** Most always the other person is so addicted to abuse that they will
not/cannot honor your request for zero communications. You've
trained them to know that your no's don't always mean no.
What they don't realize is that when they blatantly arrogantly
ignore your request for estrangement it's tantamount to date rape,
at best, it's bullying. They intuit that because your respective
cons have complimented each other, that because they've been able to
con you in the past—because you don't always mean what you say—this time is no
different. If you set it up for them to disregard your request (if you
talk with them after saying you won't) you will have compounded their
disrespect of you (Read About The Spouse Abuse Tutorial).
****More accurately, because you, using your
leadership-communication skills, conned them (set
them up) to con (to manipulate) you.