Dear Prudie: I have been dating “Troy” for just over a year. We are not engaged but have talked about marriage and children. Here’s the problem: His stepfather is an ex-convict. His crime? Child molesting. This completely freaks me out. Troy tells me that he has completely recovered and has been rehabilitated so that he “no longer finds children sexually appealing.”

I told Troy that I do not want his stepfather anywhere near my children when we have them, that I don’t want him at their birthday parties, and I really would rather not even invite him to the wedding as my nieces and nephew and other children will be in attendance. I feel as though it would be an immense betrayal to my brother and friends if I knowingly allowed a child molester near their children at any family events.

Troy has told me that he simply cannot NOT invite his mother and stepfather to these gatherings (even though he has distaste for both of them). He says that although he would never leave the kids ALONE with his stepfather, he sees no reason why they cannot be around him with our supervision. Am I being unreasonable or paranoid, or am I justified in having these feelings? I feel as though this could be the one thing that could prevent us from living happily ever after. —Concerned for the Children

Dear Con: Your revulsion for Troy’s stepfather is understandable, but perhaps you will feel calmer if you remind yourself that 1) you have no children, 2) you are not married to Troy, and 3) there is not even a wedding planned. In principle, it’s agreed that one would not want kids to even be in the same room with a “recovered” pedophile. However, if everyone is in a group, there is little possibility of him harming a child.

Your young man is right about protecting the children through supervision but mistaken about something else: Pedophilia is an affliction for which there is rarely a "cure.” You should familiarize yourself with the issue of pedophilia and decide, together, how the two of you would handle this detail if there were to be a wedding. —Prudie, informationally

Gabby's Reply

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Ironically, one way to transform a situation is to take on a seemingly insurmountable project—much like chanting, it gives the mind something to do other than create problems it says it doesn't want. You will have to insist that Troy and his mother and his stepfather get therapy. If they refuse, if you can’t inspire (enroll) them to do so, then I advise that you extract yourself from the relationship and intend to attract someone who values you. It’s up to them to recognize that you are a jewel, that they have an exceptional opportunity to bring you into their family.

Troy is naive about pedophilia and irresponsibly in-denial about his cause in the matter. He lies, “...has completely recovered and has been rehabilitated so that he 'no longer finds children sexually appealing,'” and he doesn’t know he's lying. Worse yet, you unconsciously bought into his lie. Without Troy's support his mother and stepfather will remain unconscious.

Another indicator of Troy's denial (of the magnitude of the problem) is that you appear to have only found out about this family skeleton recently, instead of on the first date. To not tell a date, up front, is at best irresponsible. Most consider it a deception, a withhold similar to "By the way, I have AIDS." The way he handled it verges on a devious con. It's a pattern Troy needs to address during his individual 50 hours of therapy. Bringing you into such a family without a warning, without you being able to choose up front if you'd be willing to find a way to make it work for all concerned, is not a gift of love.

Lest you become stuck in holier-than-thou, you also are out-integrity. You've been having conversations about Troy's stepfather without telling him that you have been badmouthing him behind his back. A person committed to integrity would call or write him and share your considerations with him.

I’m quite certain that Troy’s mother has not attended as many hours of counseling and therapy as his stepfather has, and that neither have attended extensive therapy together. I have no reality that anyone has gotten to the source of his stepfather’s illness. You will have to insist on getting into communication with the pedophile’s parents (possibly your eventual children’s grandparents). During such conversations you will be able to sense, or not, what kind of psychic support you can expect from them. Read as far as your mind will allow about the Communications in Support of Health Tutorial. Have each parent, separately, acknowledged cause in the matter? How much therapy have they done with their son? In other words, this is a extended family community support group process.

The meetings you will have to coordinate and facilitate will be similar to support groups for addicts. You will have to set up an education program for all the relatives and their children. You will have to educate their children about touching and hugging, with role playing as to what to do if anyone (especially Uncle Pedophile) does ... or says .... The pedophile must be present at such meetings. Uncle Pedophile will himself have to communicate to each child, directly in the eyes,

“I have what appears to be a life-long illness. I can't even be trusted to know the truth or to tell the truth. The only time you can hug me is if an adult is present. Is this clear? If I look at you or touch you in a way that feels uncomfortable, when an adult is not present, you must promise me that you will tell your parents. Can I trust you to do that? Let's practice. I'll touch you on the hand and we'll pretend that it doesn't feel right. Then you turn to your Mom and say, 'Uncle touched me.' OK?"

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