#28 What's wrong with me & my sex fantasies? / Should I continue hiding worries from my husband?
 

Dear Ann Landers: I am happily married to a very good man, but for the last several months, I have been fantasizing a lot. I daydream about making love to a refrigerator repair man, a young life guard at the beach and a potential employer who is interested in a combination secretary-playmate. All these males are muscular, tall, dark and handsome. Sometimes, I visualize us in all the places we used to meet, and I relive the hours of passionate lovemaking.

I am really happy in my marriage and sexually satisfied, and have no interest in cheating on my husband. So what is wrong with me? FANTASY LOVER IN HOUSTON

Dear Houston: You don't say how old you are, your husband's age, how long you've been married or whether or not you have children, so actually I don't have much to go on.

Dream castles can be fun to visit, but no one should try to live in them. My guess is that you have too much spare time on your hands. You need to become involved in some constructive, satisfying activities that will make you feel good about yourself. Contact your local library, your neighborhood hospital, the Junior League or the United Way and volunteer your time. —ANN LANDERS

Gabby's Response:

Gabby’s Response:

Hi Houston: There is nothing wrong with you except that you are typical. By that I mean, the vast majority of couples do not communicate openly, honestly and spontaneously with each other. I'm referring to these kinds of thoughts, and the even "kinkier" and "sick" ones, that most people hide from each other for fear of upsetting or hurting the other's feelings, or even of driving them away.

I believe a significant number of adulterers and child molesters began by having and hiding their sex fantasies.  Because they had fears of what their parents would think of them for having such thoughts they stuffed them—eventually the thought's mass becomes so defined that it's acted upon—it takes on a life of its own. Parents need to extract (see The Clearing Process) and get the "weird" stuff so children know they are normal.

Congratulations on your smarts to share your thoughts.  I recommend that you share the same with your loved one. When you tell the truth the problem disappears.

I used to have an awesomely embarrassing fantasy that would automatically come up when masturbating. For years I had this same, to me very sexist, thought. Then I discovered that communicating the truth about anything disappears it. I got up the courage and shared the thought with a friend and now instead of it being an automatic thought that imposes itself on my mind, I now have a choice of thousands.

You say happily married twice but I don't get it. I get the concept but not the experience. True happiness would be a relationship in which all truths can be told, zero thoughts withheld. —Gabby