wrong with me & my sex fantasies? / Should I continue hiding worries from my
Dear Ann Landers: I am happily married to a very good man, but for the last several months, I have been fantasizing a lot. I daydream about making love to a refrigerator repair man, a young life guard at the beach and a potential employer who is interested in a combination secretary-playmate. All these males are muscular, tall, dark and handsome. Sometimes, I visualize us in all the places we used to meet, and I relive the hours of passionate lovemaking.
I am really happy in my marriage and sexually satisfied, and have no interest in cheating on my husband. So what is wrong with me? FANTASY LOVER IN HOUSTON
Dear Houston: You don't say how old you are, your husband's age, how long you've been married or whether or not you have children, so actually I don't have much to go on.
Dream castles can be fun to visit, but no one should try to live in them. My guess is that you have too much spare time on your hands. You need to become involved in some constructive, satisfying activities that will make you feel good about yourself. Contact your local library, your neighborhood hospital, the Junior League or the United Way and volunteer your time. —ANN LANDERS
Hi Houston: There is nothing wrong with you lest it be that you are typical. By that I mean, the vast majority of couples do not communicate openly, honestly and spontaneously with each other. I'm referring to these kinds of thoughts, and the even "kinkier" and "sick" ones, that most people hide from each other for fear of upsetting or hurting the other's feelings, or even of driving them away.
I believe a significant number of adulterers and pedophiles began by having and hiding their sex fantasies. Because they had fears of what their parents (or partner) would think of them for having such thoughts they stuffed them—eventually the thought's mass becomes so defined and refined that it's acted upon—it takes on a life of its own. Parents need to extract (see The Clearing Process) and get the "weird" stuff so children know they are normal.
Congratulations on your smarts to share your thoughts in your letter. I recommend that you share the same verbally with your loved one. When you tell the truth the problem disappears. I say verbally because you are in fact always communicating your withholds non-verbally, your husband just doesn't know what's going on, just that your dragging around one or more incompletes; it's confusing and unsettling.
I used to have an awesomely embarrassing fantasy that would automatically come up when masturbating. For years I had the same, to me very sexist, thought. Then, at age 32, I discovered that communicating the truth about anything disappears it. I got up the courage and shared the thought with a friend and now, instead of it being an automatic thought that imposes itself on my mind, I can choose from thousands of titillating scenarios.
You felt a need to repeat that you're happy but I don't get it. I get the concept but not the experience. True happiness is generated (created and recreated at will) in a relationship in which all truths are told—zero thoughts withheld. —Gabby
BTW: You need to know that your husband is also withholding his thoughts of choice from you; there are no exceptions to this phenominon having to do with entanglement. You have not formulated the intention to be a safe space for him to share his extremely uncomfortable thoughts.
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[ #29 Advice re: boyfriend's drugs & gay phone-sex hobby / Not safe space for boyfriend to tell truth ]