#29 Boyfriend's drugs & gay phone-sex hobby / Not safe space for boyfriend to tell truth

Dear Ann Landers: For the last 18 months, I have been dating a man in his early 40s who has never been married. Things were going well until I discovered by opening one of his phone bills that he had been having phone sex.

It didn't seem to be all that bad until I started to call the numbers that appeared on the bill. They turned out to be gay party lines. Needless to say, I am in shock, not only because he had been making these calls but because the phone bill was over $700. This is a lot of money for a man who has told me repeatedly that he is on a very tight budget.

When I demanded an explanation, he claimed he was under the influence of alcohol and cocaine when he made those calls. I pointed out that the calls did not occur on just a few nights but over a period of several weeks. He also had obtained a feature that allowed him to get voice-mail messages from gay mails.

He keeps insisting that he is not bisexual and swears up and down that he will never touch drugs again, which he says, were the source of his erratic behavior. I was well aware that he drank, but I have never seen cocaine in his house. I feel very vulnerable and need your guidance. ARCADIA, CALIF.

Dear Arcadia: The facts speak for themselves. Most likely, this man is bisexual, plus he is an alcoholic and a drug abuser. Dump him at once. He is bad news. —ANN LANDERS

Gabby's Response:

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Gabby’s Response:

Hi Arcadia: You have two main problems, both stemming from fear. Fear of acknowledging the truth and fear of being alone. No matter if you dump him today, which I doubt you will, you still need therapy or you will continue to attract partners addicted to deceit and drugs. It's you who do not know how to communicate in such a way as to create a safe space for a man to tell the truth and it's you who are addicted to substance abuse users, to fellow addicts.

Put another way, a person who is whole and complete, one who has a supportive loving relationship with his/her parents, operates from a ground of being that is totally alien to you. Such a person creates space for the truth to be told, they are a virtual vacuum cleaner when it comes to consciously and unconsciously extracting withholds. It's virtually impossible to hide something from such a person because they inspire integrity, they live from open, honest, and spontaneous communication. You on the other hand inspire and reward deceit.  This indicates that you have accumulated a lifetime of perpetrations for which you have yet to be acknowledged. It is you who caused the breakdown in communication.

One way to have you both win, given that you are equally damaged, is to immediately enroll yourself (alone) into a two-or-more sessions per month counseling/therapy program or a Co-Dependent Enabler's Support Group. Most importantly, communicate to your friend that you'll be willing to interact with him again only when he can say he's not had a drink or drug for six-months in a row, and, has completed an equal amount of therapy (by himself). You both can use the alone-time to get clear about sexual preferences (remember, it's you who attracted him). If it's meant to be you'll heal simultaneously whatever that looks like. Check out The Clearing House, specifically, The Clearing Process; you'll discover a life-time of accumulated unacknowledged perpetrations of yours that you've hidden from him.

Every conversation/interaction you have with him after reading this reply will keep you both stuck even longer. Why? Because you'll be consciously trading sex/security/shelter for his companionship; whereas up until now you have been ignorant, hereafter you'll be doing it premeditatedly, ergo the consequences will be compounded.

You don't say if you had permission to open his phone bill; in any case, during your therapy, ask for support in getting to the source of your sneaky (calling behind his back) deceitful behavior. Your task is to recall, and communicate to someone, the very first sneaky behavior. Sneaky always begets sneakiness. You think he sneaked first but the truth is you entered into the relationship with the option to sneak; this character flaw of yours automatically attracts a partner who also reserves the right to sneak their items of choice. With aloha, Gabby

P.S. Do show him our posts.

BTW: I recommend that in the future you voice your considerations (state your boundaries—things with which you'll not tolerate—up front). i.e. "Just so we're clear. I have had a problem with sneakiness and attracting drug addicts so if you do drugs or are prone to deceptions please let me know now. There will be no second chances. Is that clear?" Read, Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating.

Note: Some might be tempted to have him sign an agreement stating that if he drinks, does drugs, or participates in gay-phone-sex, he will pay you $5000.00, however, this would be tantamount to stealing from a mentally challenged child. Active addicts are simply not capable of honoring agreements, it would be liken to manipulating your child to pay you every time he/she doesn't put away his/her toys.  Manipulating him into begging for "one more chance" doesn't take into consideration your cause in the matter, your unconscious intention to have him behave this way.

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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 12/7/12)

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