Grandpa's expressions of affection—appropriate? / Serious communication problem
Dear Annie: I am concerned about my father-in-law's behavior toward my 3-year-old daughter, his only grandchild.
My mother-in-law thinks it is endearing that Al is so smitten with his grandchild. I'm not so sure.
Al is constantly stroking her arms or hair and trying to get her to sit on his lap. On several occasions he seemed to be working too hard to get her alone by asking her to show him a new toy or doll in a different room. He even took her out of my house once, without my permission or knowledge.
Last week, I caught Al giving my daughter a kiss on the back of the neck. My gut tells me that I need to keep an eye on him. Are there red flags to watch for? Should I alert my husband? —Don't Want to Be Naive
Annie's Reply:
Dear Not Naive: Does Grandpa watch child pornography? Does he encourage your child to keep secrets? Has he exposed himself to her, even "accidentally"? Those are some of the signs to watch for.
It's quite possible that Grandpa simply adores his new granddaughter, but if he's luring her out of your site, you best watch him closely, and yes, tell your husband about your concerns. For more information, contact Stop It Now! stopitnow.com at 899-773-8386 —Annie
Gabby's Reply:
Dear . . . Naïve: Such a valuable letter. Thank you. Many will see themselves as one of the characters in this altogether too common drama. Women who have been molested wish their mother had been more perceptive and protective, or, that she had acted upon a suspicion. Many molested children eventually come to realize that the molester was no more sick than their mother who didn't protect her; you and I know that each family member is solely (100%) responsible.
I'm equally concerned about your relationship with your husband and your mother-in-law. How many movies have we've seen where someone pooh-poohs another's intuition only to regret it later? Shame on your mother-in-law. "Endearing"? It could also be called "denial of the remote possibility."1 What if you're right? Ask anyone who was violated when young what life might have been like if someone had spoken up [effectively]?
Even if you're completely off-base, a paranoidal basket-case, your mother-in-law, in supportive respect of your mothering-intuition, should have brought everyone together and got it all out on the table, if for no reason other than for everyone to agree that you need therapy. For you to create space for her to invalidate you, and for you to be writing for advice outside the family, reveals a far greater problem.
That you have not discussed this with your husband speaks volumes; it's the "red flag" you're looking for. There is fear in your relationship with him. What is the very first specific incident with him that you are basing your fear on? Perhaps you suspect he would side with his mom and dad. You must know at some level that he doesn't trust the intuition of the woman he entrusts to protect his child. Ouch! We're talking about lack of respect here.
Question: What did you do, or not do, early on, to lose some of his respect?2 In a relationship in which there is mutual respect such a concern would be gotten as absolutely valid. I.e. "This is the aware me intending the aware you to say what you're saying."
Your intuition is correct. It could be the beginning of more to come. Your FIL (father-in-law) is not stupid. He knows what he's doing. He knows about sensory overload. Even if he's forgotten 50% of what he used to know, he still knows what feels nice and what feels stimulating. He knows what's worked with girls. He knows what a kiss on the neck feels like and the effects of such stimulation. He knows it's you and your comfort level that he must be concerned with. And, he believes you're a clueless wimp, that you're afraid to confront him, else he wouldn't dare be doing what he's been doing.
When you non-verbally supported, (didn't verbally acknowledge) his arm-stroking, the very first time, it gave him permission (you became cause) for all successive seductions).3 He'll have no choice other than to deny his intentions. However unconscious he may have been, the fact that his behavior caused you concern is proof enough; he'll have to feign innocent ignorance. It would be the end of life as he knows it for him to acknowledge that he knew what he was doing. And so you must relate with him as you would an adolescent teen having got caught for the same behaviors.
You, on the other hand, mother-hen, are supposed to set boundaries by immediately distracting her away from possible predators, with obvious dramatized speed if necessary. I.e. "Come here sweetheart (as you abruptly, demonstrably, lift her from his lap) I don't want you sitting on anyone's lap without asking me first." He would have gotten that he had been caught in the act and not uttered a word. He knows (with absolute certainty) he should not do anything to her, with you in another room, that he would not do in front of you. Kissing anyone on the neck, unawares without conscious consent (such as Joe Biden has done without permission*) is simply not acceptable behavior. Your FIL has been covertly trying to prematurely awaken certain senses; it's called fishing. It's inappropriate lecherous behavior. It appears that you did not do much "petting" when you were a teen. Neck-caresses are what teen boys do; it's one of the "bases" en route to scoring a "home run." These days there are far too many news reports and movies addressing the prevailing concerns about pedophiles for anyone to be "innocently" expressing physical affection with children. Unfortunately, most males are now paranoidal when it comes to children and possible false accusations.A person who is whole and complete (as opposed to living from fear), someone used to communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously, zero significant thoughts withheld, would have said,
"I'm uncomfortable with the way you're expressing affection with my daughter. Please don't stroke her like that again. And please don't be alone with her, not even in her room or a car (I would say here, "I don't know why but I don't trust you."). I apologize for my paranoia, but you and I have to start teaching her what's appropriate and what to look for if anyone starts stroking or touching her. I think it's better for me to say something rather than to stuff these thoughts, don't you agree?" He would probably have replied with words of denial, embarrassment and shock and finally anger, invalidating your experience, trying to make you wrong (as has Joe Biden). You would then, firmly repeat, "Don't you agree, that it's better I say something than to remain silent when it comes to her safety?" Get a "yes" to that question no matter how much he tries to distract you. "I need to hear you say yes." If you can't elicit a "yes," enroll in therapy immediately. However, and this is a biggie, you must be ready to estrange yourself from everyone if you're unable to get anyone to get you. Mothers know, they always know, they've been through it all.
Once the smoke cleared you'd have your integrity and he'd be petrified to try anything, knowing you'd be teaching your daughter to report certain kinds of behaviors.
BTW: Role play—together with your husband sit down and teach her what to say and how to tell you (so there's absolutely no misunderstandings) as to what's unacceptable. For example: Touch her knee and coach her to say something-like. "I'm uncomfortable, please don't touch me like that." Coach her what to say when (not if) someone tells her to "keep it a secret, don't tell anyone" or the biggie, "I'll hurt your mom if you tell anyone." Advise her to say, "My mom says to tell her when anyone asks me to keep a secret from her, even if it's a game." Even mo betta, "My mom and I don't keep secrets from each other. It's an agreement." Ironically, the confidence that comes from knowing how to handle an inappropriate scenario prevents it from happening.
First, you must get up the courage to bring this up with your FIL (yes, him first, not your husband first). Always go to the person with whom you have the problem rather than badmouth them behind their back as you have here.4 This is extremely important else you'll be mirroring (therefore causing) his deception. He will be extremely upset, so uncomfortable, so embarrassed at having gotten caught (ostensibly accused), that he will deny, with dramatized self-righteous anger, that he was (consciously or unconsciously—it doesn't matter) programming her, training her for as much as he could get away with. Most likely he will attack you with a counter accusation (be prepared, it could be very vicious). In this matter it's better for you to be dead-wrong than silent. Later, when she gets older, you must tell her about the FIL experience and the courage it took to maintain your integrity so as to protect her.
His wife, and possibly your husband, might agree with him. I suspect your FIL unconsciously set you up to catch him for an earlier and similar incident of his. It could even be that he was "touched" when young (as was I by an older boy) and that he now believes that it wasn't a negative experience so.... That he would dare do this in your house in front of you indicates a lack of respect. ALL men have seen enough movies to know that touching children can be misinterpreted—all but the driven-addict (closet or otherwise) know enough to not do it. Even elementary school teachers know enough to not hug students, a sad but necessary policy these days.If you can't muster up the courage to talk to your FIL tuck your fear under your arm and enroll yourself immediately in therapy (by yourself) until you locate and complete the source of your fear. This is extremely important; the consequences of not handling this with him could be all that you believe you don't want. If you don't get into communication with him you'll definitely create subject matter you can't/won't talk about with your husband. If you don't press through your fear and confront your father-in-law, you will have to create another even more fearful experience. Else, 21-year-old daughter: "Mom, if you suspected he was molesting me why didn't you tell him to stop or tell someone?" You: "I'm sorry, I was afraid. "
Once you've discussed it with your FIL then share everything, including this reply, with your husband and then your MIL.
If you don't locate your original incident (most likely during childhood), the one that now manifests itself as fear with your husband, you won't be able to cause him to recreate your experience, to get, what you sensed. That is to say, you'll set it up for your husband to argue and invalidate you; that his mother invalidated you leads me to believe it's possible that he will also. Quite possibly this is why you have yet to bring it up with him, for fear that he would side with his parents. If he does invalidate your experience then you have a serious relationship problem on your hands, one that's virtually unfixable, except via estrangement.
Lastly: If you don't confront and disappear your fear you will train your daughter to deceive you by withholding thoughts from you.
Most parents unconsciously teach their children to deceive them, evidenced by the fact that the majority of teens con each other into deceiving both sets of parents so as to have sex. Could it be that you lost some of your husband's respect when you conned him into deceiving both set of parents for the first sex between you?I suspect that both your mother-in-law and your husband are aware of other areas concerning inappropriate behavior of your FIL. This is not his first time. At best he is unconscious; if so, he should be woke, coached and monitored, as you would a teen. Better for them all to think you're paranoid than for you to have to tell your daughter later in life, "I tried but no one would listen to me. I'm sorry." Stick with your intuition. Your experience is uncomfortableness; your judgment is that at best he's inexcusably sexist and ignorant (it's unlikely he would kiss the back of a little boy's neck); you are correct on both counts.5
Now let's talk about why you're creating this kind of a problem. This represents an incomplete for you. What other judgment of your FIL have you withheld from him, the very
first one? What is it? Also, who didn't stand up for whom when you were a child? Who stood by and condoned abuse (verbal, non-verbal, psychic or physical)? What significant wrong-doing did you handle before (as a child or teen) by not saying something at the time it was happening? Perhaps you ignorantly took sides when your parents were abusive to each other. That you haven't talked about this with your parents reveals much more about the source of your fear.
BTW:
There are definitely more incompletes (withholds)
between you and your husband and between you and your
in-laws, and between you and your parents—other thoughts you have
stuffed. People
around you always mirror your integrity
The way to discover what thoughts you have been withholding from your
husband and the thoughts you've been causing him
to withhold from you (and before you
talk with your FIL) do The
Clearing Process. Then invite your husband to do it. Then you
both can do the
1 Even if your MIL is correct, and he's simply unconscious, he should know better and should now be taught. Over his lifetime he's witnessed the exact same concerns about pedophilia as we have; he has observed the change from it being natural for teachers to hug children to no hugs—lest one wants to risk another's reputation-damaging accusation.
2 Could it be that your husband is unconsciously dragging around thoughts of disrespect (of himself and you) because he was able to con you into deceiving both sets of parents so as to have sex when you were dating? If so, your first "no" didn't mean no. In which case, you both have a big perpetration (a significant withhold) you've been hiding from both sets of parents). Withholds having to do with deception need to be verbally acknowledged else the karma will haunt all of you with unwanted compounded results—such as with gramps.
3 As
with spouse abuse, the "victim" becomes cause for all successive abuses
after the first abuse
that was not acknowledged by the abuser as being abusive. I.e. "I need
you to tell me that you know that that didn't feel good."
4 The
memory and experience of the pleasant sensations of that neck-kiss is
stored among her brain's neural pathways; later, when dating, she may
unconsciously try to get boys to do the same—unaware of the pleasant
sensations she's trying to recreate. The same goes for other potential
sense-stimulating activities such as bonding-rides (on a man's neck or
"horsey rides" on the lower leg) and requests to be pushed higher and
higher on a swing (some girls become aware of crotch-sensations when on
carnival rides or being pushed on a swing). A mother knows at what age
(different for each child) such activities should be stopped/modified.
5 You
may clear with another about how to handle it as long as you eventually
inform your FIL that you asked _ _ _ for advice. Such a confidant must
communicate responsibly so
as to not support blaming. Because your family members don't communicate
responsibly (they all non-verbally support each other in withholding
thoughts) you'd have to clear with a coach or a another person whom you
respect. Clergy don't count because they have been trained to be polite,
to not say exactly what's on their mind, to not verbally share their
judgments of you. The personal integrity of most clergy doesn't inspire
fidelity amongst their congregants, and, they send money to other
countries before feeding the homeless in their own community. Truths
delivered via hypocrisy don't get gotten.
* Joe Biden has repeatedly denied/minimized his seduction communications; I predict that his integrity will set up life to get caught for the denials;*** typically, he will set up life for another/others to deny his intuitions.** The fact that Biden’s deputy campaign manager, Kate Bedingfield, accepted and defended his denials (did not support the #MeTooers) makes Biden no different than Trump, ergo another election in which one must choose between two stuck in deceit. I predict more "Biden" women will eventually come forward.
Update: 4/21/22: Eight women have reported sexist treatment by Biden.
** As of 7/7/22 Biden's approval rating is lower than Trump's ever was; the public is denying his stated intentions.
***
As of 1/29/23 investigations are revealing that
President Biden has grossly mishandled documents labeled Secret. There
are no accidents with secret documents. Each time he took a doc from the
safe he clearly knew he was doing something illegal. It's one of those
(looking over your shoulder while doing it events). Given the
number of documents there is no doubt that those perpetrations have been
clouding his mind, unable/unwilling to acknowledged other (fondling)
perpetrations. In his mind, fondling and mishandling documents are
"no big thing." ... I knew I wasn't intent on hurting anyone. Lest you
think otherwise, I see myself in him; I think he's doing as good as can
be expected.
Please show this reply to all concerned, preferably (but not absolutely necessarily) after you have discussed it with your FIL.
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Last edited 12/11/22
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