Faithful husband pays for wife's distrust / Have
I been a sneaky unconscious enabler?
DEAR ABBY: I am in a committed 10-year marriage with
"Cathy," a woman I love dearly. My problem is, Cathy
doesn't trust me. Her ex-husband cheated on her, her
father cheated on her mother, and I feel like I'm
paying for their sins.
I play in a band that has "gigs" in bars once a
month. I also like to go for a beer with the fellas
after work a couple of times a month (I work days
in a manufacturing plant). Whenever I play with the
band and Cathy is present, I constantly have to
watch that I don't talk to any women in her
presence.
The place I work has 1,200 employees. Many of them
come to see our band to show their support. (The
majority of our employees are female.) Cathy
considers it disrespectful to her that they come to
hear us, and she acts as if she's in constant fear
that I might stray, despite my reassurances that I'm
totally committed to her. What can I do? I feel like
I'm beating a dead horse. —DESPERATE TO UNDERSTAND
IN CALIFORNIA
Abby's Reply:
DEAR DESPERATE: There is nothing you can do
because the problem isn't yours; it's your
wife's. Until you came into her life, her two
most significant male relationships were with
men who were unfaithful. The fact that the male
role model - her father - was a cheater set up
her expectations for how "all" men behave.
If you haven't already done so, I urge you to
have a serious talk with your wife about how her
suspicions make you feel. It is unrealistic to
expect you to spend the rest of your life
wearing blinders and talking only to men. If
she's smart, she'll talk to a counselor about
this, because suspicion and accusations that an
innocent spouse is cheating can destroy a
marriage as surely as infidelity can. —Abby
Gabby's Reply:
Hi Desperate to Understand: It's great that
you wrote. You've been trying to understand
something the mind hides from itself. The
thoughts you've been thinking keep producing
more of the same results, "She's wrong."
"I'm right." etc. Here are a few thoughts in
support of thinking outside the box.
My initial hit is that you are unconsciously
masterminding a divorce—cleverly building an
excellent case in which others will agree
that she needs more therapy than you. We'll
know in ten years if you are divorced.
—ouch!
It
appears that the immature you married someone whom
you knew to be immature, needy, and insecure.
Perhaps you thought you could manipulate and change
her. What you've discovered is that you both are
control freaks. Her:
"Do it my way or else I'll make your life
miserable." "Work in an all male company and don't
play music in front of women looking for a good
time." You: "I'll work
and play music where I want and I don't give a damn
that it bothers you." Neither
of you are behaving as you would if you knew the
other is God in disguise.
Your
mind, in its box, knows with certainty that you have
not been unfaithful, yet Cathy knows, senses, or
intuits otherwise. One option of course is to
continue invalidating her for as long as you can
take it.
Another
option is to set aside your beliefs and discover
what she's picking up on. We already know that
invalidating her experience produces more of the
same.
This reply
addresses the possibility that she knows something
we don't. Even if she's totally wrong, you both
require therapy/counseling (read on).
With
the first option you could of course continue to
argue—
You: "Let's assume that I
change jobs and work for an all-male
organization and give up playing music—what
then? My sense is that you would still accuse me
of seducing female customers. What would
prove to you that I am not consciously or
unconsciously seducing women? Would you feel
more secure if I were blind or became
disfigured? Let's assume that it's all in your
imagination—can you imagine what it must be
like—to not be trusted—to live with someone who
wants to change you?" or, most importantly, "At
what point in time will I have to say, 'I can't
take this abusive attack of my integrity
anymore' and divorce you?"
The
second option requires that we begin with the
premise that a problem persists because there's a
lie somewhere. When you tell
the truth the problem will disappear.
For example: No matter who
told you, or her, your problem
has nothing to do with the other two cheating
incidents in her life. That's a smoke-screen your
mind uses so that you don't
have to look at the truth. We know this to be true
because you've both been spouting the "alleged"
truth and the problem has not disappeared. Also, she
is still lying about her first marriage, saying that he cheated
on her (which he did) —what's also true is that she,
using her leadership-communication skills, drove him
into the arms of another. Of course she still
doesn't know how she did it but it appears that
she's doing it again.
Notice
that you non-verbally bought into (rewarded and
empowered) her lie—Her: "He cheated
on me." You: "Oh, poor
you. What a terrible man." —instead of, "What did
you do that drove him into the arms of another? Were
you so unconscious that you couldn't pick up on his
withholds?"
And the biggie, "Who in your life would say that you
deceived them?"
This is a great opportunity
to expand your definition of the word
responsible,
which begins with the willingness to acknowledge
that you cause
your creations, that you intend
others to say what you cause them to say to you.
For example you wrote: "My problem
is, Cathy doesn't trust me." This is a covert
blaming make-wrong. A responsible person would have
written, "I've caused my wife to not trust me."
In the
communication mastery curriculum one learns how to
create a base-line communication model.* It's
a great place to start from when solving problems
because all parties agree to communicate from the
point of view that each caused the problem and that
each intends (causes) what the other says to us—zero
blaming. You can begin by asking yourself, "H'm,
what's the genius in me up to that I would create my
wife saying I'm unfaithful, that I'm not
trustworthy? It doesn't make sense to argue with my
own creation, my other self." It's a valuable model
because you can jump in and out of it at will. It
precludes arguing because with practice you expand
your awareness to where you begin to have choices to
not argue right in the middle of a conversation; you
have the option of intending what she is saying.
Applied to your situation this means that however
unbelievable it appears, it is you who are setting
it up (albeit unconsciously) to have her give you
this feedback. A prerequisite for this model is that
you both must agree to communicate responsibly (from
cause), otherwise what you have is one "victim"
accepting blame for everything. Submission is a
clever way of controlling another so as to survive,
to manipulate the partner into providing shelter,
food, sex, and the illusion of security.
Another way of looking at it: Let's
say that Cathy, unbeknownst even to herself, verges
on being psychic, that she can see and sense things
that our cluttered minds can't. Something akin to an
infrared telescope that sees more than the visible
spectrum. Our task then is to get (to recreate) what
she's seeing as opposed to arguing and invalidating
it. If you keep invalidating her it will drive
her crazy—possibly enough to leave you. She'll have
to keep repeating herself until someone validates
her experience (some go to the extreme of being
committed to a residential mental facility). If
you spent a few minutes with a communication-skills
coach he/she could translate her experience for you
in a way that your mind could get. Goodness
knows—she could be picking up "infidelity" if she
hears you exaggerate the "good-old-boy's raucous
laugh" around men, as though you all have an inside
joke.
Let's further assume that because of
her psychic ability she knows, with absolute
certainty, that you will divorce her some day [This
is probably true. In her mind she knows that no sane
person would stay married to her—given what appears
to be her uncontrollable paranoia]. The only proof
of this will be for us to look back 5-10 years from
now and notice that you are married to another
woman. Because she can envision this outcome and
can't get you to even be willing to look at it as a
possibility, it drives her crazy. As opposed to:
"You're right Cathy. Although I'm unaware that I'm
looking at other woman, or looking for another
woman, a replacement, it is nevertheless true that I
will have to leave you if I cannot cause
communication to take place between us. Undoubtedly
I am searching for the peace that comes from
inspiring trust. I do know that it is unethical of
me to hang around you trying to change you and this
behavior. I just don't know if paranoia can be
disappeared. I keep looking to
see what I've done to cause you to distrust me."
Or, "I have to be willing to look at the
possibility that I am unconsciously masterminding a
divorce, saving up incidents to justify leaving
you—if so, let's divorce now without going through
this energy-sapping drama."
Desperate, you're
the one that magnetically attracted an insecure,
possessive clinger. Most would agree that both of
you are stuck in childhood somewhere between ages 3
and 15. For certain she displayed these behaviors
when you were first dating. In fact we
could review conversations you've had with her in
which you rewarded and further inspired her needy,
jealous, possessive, clingy behavior. Put
another way, you are equally as damaged as she is.
You focus on your problem with her, her behavior, so
that you don't have to acknowledge and work on what
is about you that generates this problem for you.
For certain you are stuck being a helper and an
enabler. You're much too smart to not have noticed
her behavior during dating. What
was the incident you disregarded? Perhaps
you made sex more important than listening to your
intuition? You were supposed to have learned not to
date immature girls when you were in high school.
Perhaps a mature confident successful business woman
would not date you?
Here's yet
another reality: Ask yourself, is it
possible that when you look out into the sea of
women in an audience your mind is unconsciously
selecting who you would consider dating if things
get too crazy and you do divorce? Is this what your
wife is picking up on? Perhaps you are creating and
culturing "friendships/followers" with women you
would/will consider dating if you were to become
single. One test for unconscious sexism is to look
and see if you play up to men and the less
attractive women in the audience as much as you do
the attractive women. Do you croon to men as well?
At some level she can't respect you
because you keep putting up with her questioning
your integrity. For example: Her:
"I know you stop off at a local barn and screw cows
after each "gig." You:
"I don't know what to say. This is too much for me
to take. Let's get some counseling." In other words,
it's crazy to acknowledge (to argue about) the
content of an obvious "crazy" lie. She also has a
sense of what it would be like to be around someone
who told the truth instead of someone who, like
yourself, is sneaky,** someone
who walks on egg shells around her. An actualized
man would say, "I know I'm
not being unfaithful, either mentally or physically.
Get some therapy immediately, this week, or I'll
take it to mean that you no longer wish to be
married to me."
You won't
have the kind of relationship you say you want until
you are willing to not have this one. I absolutely
love baby kittens but experience tells me that they
require too much attention. The kinds of problems
(conversations) you create your wife generating for
you are exactly the ones you need to
be handling until you no longer need to have these
kinds of conversations.
One thing we know for
certain is that you are not in open and honest
communication with her. You hide all sorts of
experiences you have of the females at your job. You
hide them for reasons, for fear of . . . She
knows that you are not honest with her. What's also
true is that she is hiding her experiences of some
men she runs into— "Boy, he sure is good-looking!"
"Look at that bulge! It looks like he's got a sock
in his underwear." etc. At some level she's aware of
her withholds from you.
BTW: All divorced couples brought their addictions
to withholding and blaming into the relationship;
both withheld an equal number of significant
(deal-breaking) thoughts from the other on or before
the first date. With 44+ years of coaching I have
not found an exception to this phenomenon—Kerry
What
would work is for you to join an
enablers/co-dependent support group; in such a
group, as with a
coaching
consultation, you won't learn anything, however,
soon thereafter, appropriate effective
communications will flow from you. In
the meantime, address your addiction to making her
(and others) wrong. Look for a childhood incident,
the very first time you made someone wrong, for
which you have not been acknowledged/caught. She is
merely stuck in childhood because you don't yet have
the necessary parenting skills.
You say, "I
love her dearly." No matter what you think or
believe, what you are experiencing is not love. It
is both unethical and abusive to try and change
someone (without their permission). Did you tell her
you were badmouthing her to an advice columnist? Using
your leadership-communication skills you've set it
up for her to try and change you. That's
manipulative of you. Your letter is about trying to
change her, to get her to stop this behavior. It's
miserable to hang around someone who thinks you need
to get better, someone who wants to change you. Love
is intending for the other to be and communicate as
perfectly as they do.
I'm betting you can have it work. Once this has been
resolved through to mutual satisfaction I'm certain
you will have space to create/compose music; in
other words, this problem is occupying space, it
gets in the way of creativity. Perhaps this is an
easier problem to have—as opposed to confronting
your fear of professional success/failure.
An excellent predictor as to your intention to have the
marriage succeed is for you to
do
The
Clearing Process. Then, invite her to do
the process and then you both can do
The
Clearing Process for Couples. Both
processes are free, they work amazing well; they
will establish a base-line, a ground-of-being, for
communication to take place. One deceit to look for
is the first time you withheld an important thought
from her (probably a possible deal-breaker on your
first date). In other words, she could be sensing
that deceit. Could this be a karmic consequence of
you conning her into deceiving both sets of parents
so as to have sex? An honorable man would have asked
her parents if it was OK to have sex with their
daughter.
** "I
constantly have to watch that I don't talk to any
women in her presence." She knows that you do talk
to women when she's not present, and, that you have
not shared those conversations, those seductions,
with her. Your sneaky deceits upset her. You
know that if she overheard your small-talk with some
female fans it would not feel good to her.
—With aloha, Gabby
P.S.
Please show Cathy and both sets of parents this
post. Each player is the glue that keeps this drama
in place. Each, from his/her own perspective, using
his/her leadership-communication skills, is sole
cause for this outcome. However, in your universe
you are sole cause for the problem; to not solicit,
or to ignore their feedback is to choose to have the
problem another 24-hours. There are conversations
you were supposed to have had with your parents and her
parents, one's you've yet to have; if everyone
continues to support you as they have you will end
up divorced. Yes, support can be negative.
P.P.S. Counseling/therapy/support group: Both of
you, whether or not you remain married, require a
minimum of (25) 50-minute sessions (separately) and,
if your intention is to have your marriage contain
moments of joy each day, an additional 25 sessions
as a couple.
Note:
For a relationship to grow both must totally and
absolutely admire, respect, and therefore positively
support, each other's purpose in life—both their
profession and hobbies. In a relationship that has
become stuck in mediocrity (not much aliveness and
happiness or joy, with frequent
breakdowns
in communication) one or both partners
not respecting the other's work; typically they
communicate their disrespect non-verbally. This
results in unconscious thwartings and sabotage—not
unlike the spouse of a tightrope walker who wishes
his/her spouse took up another profession—non-verbal
hexes have as much power
as do positive encouragement (read
The
Intention Experiment).
BTW:
Millions of married couples have these kinds of
control problems.
To ask a question please go to
Dear
Gabby's Message Board (free
- registration required).
Last edited 12/9/21
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