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Hi Mama: I agree with you. I would not submit myself to the invalidating psychic and non-verbal abuse that you would experience at the wedding. To attend would be inconsistent with your advice to her; to not interact with, relate with, people addicted to abuse. Your boycott communication (what you'll accept and not accept) is OK but a bit late. Children approaching puberty need to hear from their parents:
Now Mama, here's the shocker. It is you who are addicted to abuse, to abusing and to being abused, evidenced by the abuse you cause your daughter to inflict on you. Yours is an insidious kind of abuse because you look to be the innocent party. Most readers here have already tagged you as the victim instead of the leader of the pack. You were so unaware of the abuse you were causing between you and your daughter (the breakdown in communication) that she had to go outside the family and engage a professional abuser (her fiancé) to get you to see it. There are two lies in your post: One comes from a lack of clarity about responsibility. You write: "I discovered my daughter's fiancé has been abusing her." This point of view is both sexist and biased. It invalidates your daughter's power, your daughter's cause in the matter. Notice that she has manipulated you (mostly non-verbally) such that you have taken her side, as though he is cause for the results she produces with her leadership-communication skills, especially her enabling and goading skills. A responsible, unbiased, sentence would be, "I discovered my daughter and her fiancé are communicating abusively with each other." Part of why you see it from your perspective is that you did not learn, and therefore could not teach her, to immediately extract herself the second she experiences abuse in the space; specifically, abuse that isn't acknowledged as abuse. For her to not have insisted that he verbally acknowledge an abusive communication of his as being abusive, is proof positive that she is unconsciously intending it. If she engages, replies, or rewards with her presence, an abusive statement from him then, thereafter, she is intending it.** Those who intend an abuse-free life do not hang around those who need therapy. When abuse does take place, each and every abusive communication must be acknowledged (as abusive) and completed through to the satisfaction of all concerned, before the next sentence/topic/interaction. All persistent abuse in a relationship can be traced back to the first incident that was not acknowledged and completed this way—there are no exceptions to this entanglement phenomena. The other lie: ". . . this beast . . ." This is called badmouthing. He is not a beast; he is simply dragging around a life-time of incompletes, unresolved angry interactions; he's as damaged as you and your daughter. If there be beast-like behavior here—who trash-talks another behind their back and who trained their daughter to invalidate, to abuse, her mother? Re: "The professionals I have spoken with . . ." Notice that you cleverly (unconsciously) chose "professionals" who didn't effectively support you in addressing the source of the abuse. Amongst educators it's a standing joke that children of most therapists need therapy. Few therapists seek coaching. I.e. "What am I doing that's causing my child to misbehave, to fail in school, to do their homework, chores etc.?" Most therapists honestly believe they are in-communication with their own children, yet the majority of mental health professionals teach their own children to deceive them—evidenced by the fact that their teens con each other into deceiving both sets of parents so as to have sex behind the backs of everyone. I.e. Afraid to tell the truth. Read Columbine parent. Children who have been raised with nurturing love are absolutely driven to please their parents, to make them happy and proud (they virtually have no choice other than to attract a partner that will compliment the family's ideals—so powerful is nurturing love). They do whatever it takes to please, to include choosing and marrying someone both parents like. Most importantly, they live with an intention to honor their parents—meaning, to be healthy, happy, and prosperous, as a reflection of the success of their parent's parenting. As you can see, your daughter is intent on thwarting and invalidating you and all that you did to raise her; so much so that she will do whatever it takes, even submit herself to beatings, just to wake you up, to teach you a lesson. She knows, with absolute certainty, that anyone who witnesses their abuse will automatically have unpleasant thoughts about you and what you must have done to train her to be addicted to abusing and to being abused. I'm not understanding something. Your letter suggests that you have not met him. A responsible parent insists upon meeting each new date. I.e. Have him/her over for dinner so as to support the relationship appropriately (support it in working or support him/her in completing it). I mention this because it's obvious that you have accumulated withholds in your relationship with him. You haven't verbally shared certain specific thoughts of him with him, instead, you have been badmouthing him to her behind his back. This is both abusive and unethical; your non-verbal and psychic communications with him are producing disastrous results. I have two suggestions for you:
Mama, if you ignore this advice I assure you that you will have the same, and worse, problem six-months from now. Worse yet, you'll start babysitting their progeny, in which case you'll be unconsciously (as you did with her) training their children to grow up to be like you and her. Choosing to not handle this from cause could lead to hospital emergency room/prison visits. You'll no longer be able to say you didn't know the effects of your present leadership-communication skills. An excellent start is for you to do The Clearing Process (it's free and it works). I say this because communication-skills coaching would only be of value if you were not living/interacting with either of them. I.e. Not engaging in more abusive conversations with him/her. Thank you, Gabby * Please read About Spouse Abuse and Wedding Guest Vow and An inconsiderate gift to give a prospective partner. ** A baby will bang its head on the crib so as to get attention; later, the child will misbehave, fail, or get sick so as to draw to someone's attention that he/she is not in-communication with anyone (that the parents have become stuck (as have you) doing their imitation of communication). *** Always remember—when I don't visit you in prison—or baby sit your children—you did have a choice. Comments To ask a question please go to Dear Gabby's Message Board (free - registration required). Last edited 12/17/21
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