Boyfriend
abusing our new baby daughter / Mother caught in
lies, blaming, and addiction to abuse
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend,
"Mickey," and I had a baby two months ago. Mickey
made it clear from the beginning that he didn't feel
ready to be a father. While I was pregnant, he
seemed to be excited about the birth of our child.
However, since our daughter arrived, Mickey calls
her names, avoids holding her, and yells at her to
"shut up."
I
don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him
about his behavior and have even offered to go to
parenting class with him, but he refuses. He says
he's already a parent and doesn't need "classes." As
a last resort, I told him that if he continues to
yell at her, I'm packing up and he'll never see us
again.
Mickey's father was very
abusive, and I'm afraid that history will repeat
itself. Please help. —SINGLE MOM IN LINCOLN NEBRASKA
Abby's Reply:
DEAR SINGLE MOM: You're
right to be concerned about your baby's welfare.
Your boyfriend knows nothing about child development
and has no interest in learning. Consult a lawyer
and get out NOW.
It is significant that
your boyfriend is the son of an abusive parent.
Mickey is already a verbal abuser; please don't wait
until it becomes physical. —ABBY
Gabby's Reply:
Hi Single Mom: I recommend that you continue
to lie, "Mickey, and I had a baby," and
continue making idle threats, "if he
continues to yell at her, I'm packing up and
he'll never see us again," and, continue to
stay with him until he hits both you and
your child. And, be sure to leave him alone
in the house with the baby, and then when
your daughter's older, continue to blame
him. Tell her, "I didn't really think he'd
hit you. I tried to stop him from yelling at
you."
You might ask why
would I give you such seemingly ludicrous
advice. The answer is; because I can
absolutely count on you to keep doing what
you have been doing. Would you leave today
and get 25 fifty-minute sessions of therapy
for yourself, by yourself, and, under no
circumstances whatsoever, talk to him ever
again until he has completed the same amount
of therapy? The answer is no. It's not that
you don't recognize that that would be the
smart thing a responsible loving mother would do; it's that you are so
addicted to abuse, to lying, and to
fighting, that you can't do it. You have no
choice. You are as programmed to attracting,
inspiring, triggering, goading, and
supporting abuse as he is to yelling at his
baby.
Let's look at "lying." You write that Mickey
and you had a baby. Nothing could be further
from the truth. You manipulated him into
impregnating you. You are much too smart to
not have known what you were up to. Until
you can tell the truth about your pregnancy
nothing will work for you. There are no
"accidental" pregnancies. When
in-communication with a communicologist, a communication-skills
coach (someone skilled at supporting others
in getting to the source of a problem), each
parent of an "accidental" birth will readily
acknowledged that they now can see that they
did in fact intend the pregnancy. Also,
however unconscious they may have been at
the time, each can state their motivation
truthfully.
Re: "idle
threats." Mickey knows with certainty that
you didn't mean that you'd leave the next
time he was abusive to either you or your
daughter. What you communicated (verbally
implied) was, [I'm
going to wait until you do it a few more
times and each time I'll make you wrong
(abuse) and I'll try to change you by
threatening (abuse) you again.] The proof is
that he has been abusive to both you and
your daughter since you wrote and you are
still with him. It is irresponsible to issue
an ultimatum to an adult child. Both you and he are
stuck in childhood. Children have no choice,
they have to lie, spill milk, and leave toys
out, etc.. It's a requirement to becoming
actualized. On the contrary, as a parent, you
must intend that they lie when they lie,
rather than make them wrong for it. To make
a child wrong for lying can keep them stuck
in lying for life. It no coincidence that
all politicians (yes all) lie.
Part of your
addiction to abuse is to have seduced
someone who doesn't respect you. To heal
yourself you had to attract someone who
knows that you lie as much as he does, and
most importantly, someone who
allows-supports him in being rude,
invalidating, domineering, and in staying
ignorant (I don't need no parent training);
someone
who knows you will let them manipulate you
and your child.
I assure you that you had many many
incidents of abuse before you got him to
impregnate you, yet you kept dating him.
This is because you had absolutely no
choice. You were karmically driven to bring
such a person into your life so that you
could see how much therapy you
need.
Re: "addicted to
abuse and to fighting." You and most other
women have seen a movie in which the woman
escalates the fight (quite often so as to
get the man taken away by the police) and
then threatens him by telling him he'll
never be able see his child again. It's hard
to imagine a more sure-fire, button-pushing,
drive-him-over-the-edge statement; such
words are a weapon of awesome power and
consequence.
Only someone equally addicted to fighting
and to hurting and to being hurt would utter
such an abusive statement to a man who has
already demonstrated a dire need for
therapy. What most people call love does not
cure abuse.
An actualized
woman would have picked up on his dormant,
residual, childhood anger within seconds of
meeting him; no way would she have dated
such a man. Quite often someone in denial
about his or her own addictions, to abusing
and to being abused, can't see another's at
the beginning. You are in what's referred to
as denial, "I'm afraid that history will
repeat itself." Will? A conscious person
would have written, "I see now that history
is
repeating itself."
You now have the
incredible opportunity to demonstrate to
your daughter how to opt for an abuse-free
life and relationships. If you continue to
hang around him after reading this reply
she'll attract the same kind of abuse.
Yours
is an emergency (act within the next
24-hours) situation.
Thank
you, Gabby
P.S. Tip to
readers. Never ever continue*
to date a person whose parents are abusive**
except for three conditions:
1) That they (both of his/her parents), at
your insistence, agree to complete a minimum
of 25 hours of counseling/therapy. To
deliver this ultimatum you must be totally
and absolutely willing to not have the the
relationship.
2) That the object of your affections does
the same amount of therapy.
3) That the
object of your affections requests that
his/her parents get therapy, and, if the
parents refuse, that they (your
boyfriend/girlfriend) issue the following
estrangement ultimatum:
"I'll not interact with either of you
(parents), ever again, for life, until
you have complete the therapy I have
proscribed."
*continue means:
to interact socially with the person once
you discover the abusive pattern, assuming
you were unable to bring about a mutually
satisfying completion of the incident.
**
abusive here means: that when they do
communicate abusively (see
definition)
and they do not acknowledge it (each and
every abusive communication) when you point
it out.
To not make this a requirement is proof
positive of your own addiction to abuse and
to your need for therapy.
To ignore this
advice is a predictor of your
intention to abuse and to be abused.
Keep in mind, an actualized person (one who
is whole and complete with their parents),
who is not addicted to abuse, does not
attract and date those who need therapy.
There are no exceptions to this fundamental
relationship principle. Those who need help
are attracted to those who need help—they
honestly, sincerely, and arrogantly, believe
that what they call love will heal another.
Here is an
example of a mother committed to completing
her experience of abuse:
Mother yells
loudly at child, "I SAID STOP IT!" The child
is startled and frightened. The
abuse however is followed with an acknowledgment,
within minutes/hours (definitely the same
day), "I get that I was abusive when I
yelled at you." "I get that it didn't feel
good." followed with a warm loving hug.
Without these communications the incident is
not complete.
Notice the acknowledgment does not include
the words, "I'm sorry" or, "I was wrong."
Such words always always guarantee more of
the same behavior.