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Daughter-in-law is abusive to my son. / I trained my son to abuse and to be abused. DEAR ABBY: My problem is my daughter-in-law, "Marla," and the verbal abuse she heaps on my son, "Jack." She belittles him in front of me and the children on a daily basis. All my life I listened to my own mother do the same thing to my dad, and it's something I cannot tolerate. When I've asked my daughter-in-law not to talk to Jack like that, Marla directs her anger at me. So all I can do is what I did with my mother—get up and leave the room. What I want to say is, "Stop it!" He's a good man who's been there for you from day one and doesn't deserve to be trashed!" But I'm afraid it would cause more trouble. I bought Marla a book on anger management, but she threw it away. Last week, I wrote her a letter giving her "what for." (I never mailed it.)Abby, I'm at my wit's end with this woman and I'm not sure what's the most productive way to move forward. If you print this, I'll know she'll read it. No name or town please. Sign me. TRYING NOT TO BE AN INTERFERING M-I-L. Abby's Reply: DEAR TRYING: As much as you might wish to intervene, your daughter-in-law's verbal abuse will not stop until your son finds the strength to end it. He needs counseling to boost his self-esteem to the point that he can stand up for himself. Encourage him to do it soon because verbal abuse damages everyone who's exposed to it—including the children who grow up thinking it is normal behavior. —Abby Gabby's Reply: Hi Me: You have to be willing to acknowledge that you taught your son to seek out, create, and put up with abuse; he has become your dad. This whole drama is about the lie you have been living. They will have to keep reenacting it daily until you acknowledge your cause in the matter. You have trained your son so that he is now addicted to abusing and to being abused. Worse yet, you empower him as the victim, the same as you did with your father. In effect, you are experiencing the consequences for having taken sides, for making your mother more wrong than your father. Re: "All my life I listened to my own mother do the same thing to my dad," and now you're still "listening." The power of non-verbal communications—yes? If I were your father I'd have to be willing to acknowledge that I, using my leadership-communication skills, covertly turned my daughter against her mother; this is referred to as covert sabotage. Re: "I bought Marla a book on anger management . . . " This was a covert blaming make-wrong. It didn't feel good to Marla. It was abusive. I trust that you read it first! Re: "I wrote her a letter giving her "what for." Great start, however your "what for" was missing some significant thoughts you withheld from her, else there would have been no need to have written this letter. Once you completely empty your mind, and describe the situation responsibly, the incident will be complete for you. You simply don't have the leadership-communication skills to teach either of them how to communicate (to complete incompletes). Not to worry, your concerns portend exciting transformations. The Wisdom of Solomon when applied to relationship squabbles always resolves an incident. For example: Whenever you see two fighting both started it; there are no exceptions to this entanglement phenomenon.* You honestly and sincerely believe that your father was the innocent victim. Not so. In all our weekend-long communication workshops, and 44+ years of 3-hr coaching consultations, I have yet to come across a person previously involved in an abusive relationship who did not, with coaching, acknowledge their cause in the matter. They acknowledged to me that they could now see how they started the fights, how they goaded their partner, and how they turned others against their partner so no one would see that they were equally as abusive as their partner. Just as your father had no choice neither does your son; he has to do this in front of you to support you in healing. As always you are the leader. No one around you can heal completely until you do. You are an enabler. You have yet to formulate the intention to have abuse-free relationships; to do so you will have to be willing to let go of all of your relationships (yes all) because they are all enablers and unwittingly part of your addiction. Those you have told about this problem are not "friends;" a friend won't let you lie about your cause of a problem. In truth, it hasn't gotten bad enough for you to do what it takes to complete your experience of abuse. Your letter is only more of the same drama. You cannot and will not do what it takes to heal. Not yet. Not today. This letter is part of your story so that you can later say how hard you tried. Perhaps if/when, through your leadership, your son "snaps," and puts her in the hospital or himself in jail, you'll get how bad it is. Keep in mind, just because you choose to heal does not mean he ever will. Whenever a problem persists look for the lie(s). One example is: ". . . it's something I cannot tolerate." This is a lie. You have been tolerating it; up until your letter you've had no choice other than to tolerate it. It's actually worse than that; you don't just tolerate it, you unconsciously [via weird entanglement magic] intend it, such is your addiction. You actually need your timely adrenaline fixes of abuse. Part of your addiction-withdrawal process will be to give up making others wrong. Could it be that you did not approve of your son's choice (perhaps he didn't ask for your approval, worse, that he ignored your advice) and, that you have been unconsciously psychically hexing their marriage? If so, she's been picking up on your unconscious intentions to support the failure of the marriage. BTW: It's virtually impossible for her to respect him because you taught him to wimply "tolerate" her verbal abuse. Her's is a cry for help. Picture how a female Army Boot Camp Instructor would communicate with her. How you communicate, how you relate, your leadership-communication skills, creates abuse. Important note: If they allow you to interact with their child, with your present leadership-communication skills, you will unconsciously train him/her to put up with abuse; you will unconsciously train your grandchild to be a bullied wimp. You'll know that you have taken the first effective step when you have issued a written ultimatum (delivered verbally it would only create more abuse) to your son, and a separate one to his wife, that you will not be relating in any way whatsoever with either of them until you have completed 25 fifty-minute sessions with a therapist/counselor; and, that they both have done the same (have his therapist send you the invoices—so that you can pay 50% of his therapy). Only then will you have a choice. Else, in three-years, you will still have the exact same problem compounded (read about responsible estrangement). In the meantime, read about the free Spouse Abuse Tutorial. I say, "read about" because you are not yet eligible to do the tutorial—you can't complete your experience of abusing, to being abused and to enabling abuse, as long as you continue to interact with other addicts. BTW: It's not your fault. School teachers are not clear about responsibility so they can't teach it. * The party who denies responsibility, the one who is unwilling to look at the possibility that they, however unconscious they may have been, intended the dispute. Yours is a valuable letter. Many will see themselves. Thank you, —Gabby CommentsLast edited 12/30/22. A donation acknowledges value and supports sharing this site with others: [ top ] To ask a question please go to Dear Gabby's Message Board (free - registration required). |
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