Hi Single Mom: You ask, ". . . what do other parents do . . .?" Many, but not all, parents train their children to behave this way. In any case, it doesn't matter, you simply couldn't do what others do because you'd try to implement what works for others using your present leadership-communication skills and produce more of the same. For example: The instruction, "Please do the dishes" produces different results for a parent who operates with integrity and is clear about intention. You've been more intent on blaming her than acknowledging your cause in the matter. It's not your fault; our parents, teachers, and clergy taught us to communicate from blame, our addiction to blaming, like COVID, is an international pandemic.

Mo betta we address the source of the problem, which of course is you. She has had no choice whatsoever other than to behave this way; she is mirroring you, specifically, your integrity—it's unhealthy for you both.

This problem reveals that there is an unresolved breakdown in communication between you and your ex, you and your daughter, and, you and both sets of parents (you and your parents and you and your partner's parents). I suspect she has watched you treat her father as she is treating you. Yes? Has she witnessed you acknowledging your verbal abuse to him? —it's how children learn to transition from blaming to communicating responsibly (from cause).

Let's begin by asking—who in your life would say that you've treated them the way she's treating you? Have you been badmouthing and blaming your ex? Possibly your daughter can see your con, your cause for the divorce, perhaps you still blame him (respect for a blamer is virtually impossible) therefore, she might be irresponsibly blaming you.

In other words, clean up your relationships with those still recovering from your abuse. And, most importantly, share with your daughter what you did to mess up each and every relationship you've ever had. Put another way, you can't teach her how to be respectful because you are still in the process of learning that behavior yourself.  You might ask several friends, "Do you experience that I respect you?" or, "Tell me something that you don't respect about me?" or "Do you sense that some other people don't respect me?" —unless of course, you're afraid of hearing the truth. A good person to ask would be a former high school boy friend; they left or you drove them away, for some reasons(s).

When was the very first time, (the incident, day, date, location), your daughter communicated abusively to you? That's where you are. You're both stuck back at that incomplete; it was a fork in the road. It must have been a biggie; no doubt the negative karma has been compounded—because you didn't clean it up—so she now holds you in contempt. This begs the question, what must a parent do to cause dramatized contempt? Hers is not just a brief thought of contempt but an experience between you that is now dragged into each interaction day-after-day.  Yelling, verbal abuse, "unfair" punishments, and strictness, trigger upset and anger with some children but seldom contempt. It could be challenging for you to recall/remember the very first abuse between you and her—the one that was not completed through to mutual satisfaction (hugging).

I'm wondering how long it took you to divorce the man with whom you couldn't get along—how long you submitted her to him? Was it as unpleasant (abusive) for her each hour of every day? What must it have been like for her to have to experience the angry violent outbursts between you. Ouch! That was abusive of you; you're supposed to protect her.

I suspect there is an incident for which you hold yourself in contempt. If so, share it verbally with her. You could ask her to role-play as your therapist—give her the assignment, "Fix me." If you do, place (virtual) tape over your mouth first, otherwise you'll find yourself interrupting, arguing, blaming, explaining and apologizing. Mo betta, complete silence and, "Thank you for being honest!" For example: Daughter: "I think you're evil." You: "Thank you. Anything else about that?"

Re: ". . . counseling . . ." It's not by accident that you unconsciously selected a therapist who wasn't clear about responsibility; therefore, he/she couldn't effect a transformation within one visit. I recommend that you find a coach or counselor for yourself (alone). Rather than trying to con another into believing that your daughter is the source (or even partly cause) of the friction, keep asking yourself, "What have I done, and am still doing, to cause my daughter to treat me disrespectfully?" You could also ask her—except that you would react automatically and argue and invalidate her. If you think you're up to it you can ask her, "I get that you're angry with me. What have I done to upset you? What am I not getting?" And then, remain completely silent. After she says what she says, say, "Thank you" and nothing else. No comment, no apologies, no excuses; simply be there without saying anything. If you open your mouth you'll cause more of the same. Cause complete (uncomfortable) silence.

BTW: There is nothing wrong with her; as with all teens, she simply requires thousands of mutually satisfying conversations with you and her father and both sets of grandparents. A weekend of camping and hiking, just you and her (w/fireside chats) would effect a transformation (yes, you can insist that she go camping with you; it's even more experiential if you've never been camping, it would please her to see you confused and not knowing). Give her the job of Googling camp sites (with fire-pits and showers) and choosing one within 50-miles of your house, and buying the ingredients for smores. Bring a board game/cards in case of rain. Equally bonding, tickets for you both to attend a truly "bad" rock concert.

Here's another BTW: There's nothing wrong with you. Most parents create this situation, however, few experience the transformation that comes from communicating responsibly.

Remember, she has experienced the violent abusive communications between you and your ex —ergo, she might smartly question the sanity of the mind(s) that awarded either of you custody of her. Has she ever witnessed (heard) you acknowledging (totally different than apologizing) your verbal abuse of her father to him? In other words, have you modeled for her how to clean up (acknowledge) an abuse?

Children are integrity meters for parents. Unbeknownst even to her, her present purpose in life is to support you and her father in treating each other pleasantly, with respect. Children misbehave, get sick, fail in school/life/relationships, do drugs, have deceitful sex*—anything they can to draw attention (including counselors/police) to the fact they are not in-communication with anyone (talking, yes, in-communication, no). It's possible she recalls a time when she experienced the love between you and her father and so it pains (yes pains) her to see you treat each other as you do. In other words, she's trying to teach you something and you ain't gett'n it. 

Many children of divorced parents have been conned by one parent (the custody battle "winner") into believing that the other parent is more abusive, the one who started the arguments, the cheating, the one who initiated the divorce, etc. Abuse between a couple is always ALWAYS equally co-created; there are no "victims" or bullies in spousal abuse, only co-conspirators, both addicted to blaming and to withholding; there are no exceptions to this entanglement phenomenon.

For example: If, back when she was a toddler, I had given you the assignment of training your daughter to treat you as she's doing, you'd have to do exactly what you did, and did not do, only this time around do it consciously.  Just because you don't know how you produced a result doesn't mean that you didn't cause (unconsciously intended) it.

She's smart to misbehave around your choice in sitters; none of them know how to get into communication with her, or you; they are all enablers. All are deceiving their own parents with one or more unacknowledged perpetrations. You're unconscious so you can't experience a babysitter's integrity. Your integrity automatically attracts people of similar integrities. [Those who operate with and from integrity stay away from you; it's an aura thing.]  Leaving your daughter with someone addicted to deceiving their own parents produces hard-to-trace undesirable behaviors. Most likely you've badmouthed her (warned them about her), covertly blaming her for the problem.

About ". . .  recharge." If you are going out (all dolled up) drinking or trolling for men, then she could be reacting to that, perhaps repulsed. Has she seen you abusively drunk or driving after drinking? Possibly she correctly intuits that you're not ready to date; perhaps she's not ready to surrender to another choice of yours. Possibly it upsets her to think you're happy when you go out, that you don't deserve it, and, that she can't be happy.

As a single parent you must ask her when she thinks you're ready to date, to bring someone else into the relationship. Perhaps her experience of you is that you're addicted to blaming and therefore haven't acknowledged to her what you did to cause the divorce; perhaps she intuits that if you keep thinking and communicating as you have, that you would screw up any new relationship. She already knows that she does not inspire her parents to treat each other respectfully so her confidence and self-image has been severely damaged.  No matter the words you use, in her mind she knows that she caused the friction and divorce between you and her father.  In other words, her mind can recall each and every incident, each "bad" behavior/communication of hers, after which you and your ex were abusive to each other. Clearly you did not notice her troubled face the first day she noticed the relationship between you and her father was out-integrity; several of her face's 43 smile muscles have never returned to normal. Verbal clearings release the taut fascia located under-the-smile-muscles, one looks younger more alive, healthy and happy.

Perhaps one of your dates, a relative, or even a sitter, has seduced (or creepily psychically tried to seduce) her? Could she have seduced (or tried out her newly discovered seduction skills) on an adult and thinks the adult told you—ergo, she's dragging around the guilt of that perpetration daily.** The mind, to hide a big perpetration, will often counter-attack or feign anger so as to distract the question-asker from getting to the truth (or "a" withheld perpetration). For example: Mother to daughter: "My date said you purposefully sat opposite him with your legs spread so he could see that you had no panties, and when he reminded you to close your legs, you got upset and ran out of the room. Is that true?" Angry Daughter: "Mom, you're always accusing me of something, he's a creep, door slam."

If you preach religious content to her she could be trying to recreate for you what it feels like to be on the receiving end of your arrogant self-righteousness.  Perhaps you have become stuck expressing your beliefs as truths; such lies can cause a brilliant teen to somewhat disrespect their parents.  I.e. "Marijuana is the gateway to hard drugs." "There is only one true God." etc. BTW: The vast majority of pot users have tried other drugs but prefer pot.

Thank you for reaching out. Many parents simply cause more of the same for life. —Gabby