Dear Aching: Such a great letter, so valuable for so many. Several thoughts come to mind.

I'm assuming that you have elicited the same evaluation from at least one other professional.  Quite often the mind, to be right, will unconsciously select a mental health professional whom it can con; often it (the mind) has no intention of disappearing the problem even though it sincerely believes it wants to heal. I.e. "I tried therapy and it didn't work." Some "disorders" serve as lifetime-reasons (excuses) for the problems it generates.

It appears you hold the belief that your diagnosis (presently firmly labeled) is permanent and irreversible, in which case your mind will do whatever it takes to support you and your doctors in being right. A belief shuts down the mind to other possibilities.

It's obvious you have yet to discover that your integrity affects all outcomes, that there are undesirable consequences for life's unacknowledged perpetrations (deceits, lies. thefts, blamings, and cons). If you were committed to telling the truth, to being open and honest, zero deceits/withholds, you would have revealed your condition on the first date so as to not deceive him, so as to not hook him with your wiles while he still had a choice. I'm not sure he can make a clear choice now that you've conned him into wanting more. I say this because of your resistance to communicating responsibly, from cause; you wrote, "He talked about wanting to become a couple." This sentence is covert blame. Communicated responsibly it would read: "I seduced him [whether conscious or not), I conned him, I manipulated him, into proposing that we be a couple." Just because you produced a result unconsciously doesn't mean you didn't intend it.

Notice that you are addicted to both deceit (not telling him up-front) and to being a victim, that your behaviors "chose" you, as opposed to, "I have yet to discover my cause in this matter."

There is another school of thought, that mental/physical issues are in fact unconsciously intended, that they are indicative of a lie/perpetration somewhere, that your integrity is prompting you to tell the truth as to your cause in the matter, so that you begin to have choices. Read Conversations in Support of Health.

Re: "I have never done anything that could have caused this." —that you're aware of—it has to do with whether you're interacting with conscious people.  A truthful statement would be, "I'm unaware of what I have done to cause this." This would be referred to as a responsible (willing to be cause) statement; it's important because even unconscious lies have undesirable consequences.

I used the word behaviors (rather than label your problem as a permanent condition) so as to suggest that it's not permanent, that you do have choices.

It's possible that you are experiencing upset as you read this; your mind [your ego] has a lot invested in being right, so much so that it will die and take you with it, rather than allow itself to be blown. Read: PTSD—a breakdown in communication.

I'm not suggesting that you stop taking your medications, merely that you be willing to examine the possibility that there's more going on here than your understandings and what you've been told (few health-care professionals & their kin experience happiness throughout each day). There are conversations that will support you in being clear as to your cause; one is about the power of intention and how to manifest your stated intentions rather than taking what "happens," what life deals you. Read: The Intention Experiment.

Re: "The only thing missing in my life is love." Not true. Love is a by-product of communication. In truth you have mastered talking. We know this because you didn't bring love into the relationship; this reveals that you have no one in your life with whom you are in-communication. What's missing is your understanding about the differences between talking and communicating and the results each activity produces. If you're not experiencing love with someone it reveals that you are withholding significant thoughts from him/her, and/or, you are not a safe space for another to spontaneously share their thoughts with you. You're emotionally shut down and don't know it.

Equally important for a successful relationship is for you to get into communication with your parents. You can use them to support you in recalling and relating (communicating) the very first incident you describe as schizo-. . . ; Experience tells me that that incident is the one you have been dramatizing.

BTW: Withholders always always attract withholders; there are no exceptions to this phenomenon; in other words, he too is withholding a possible deal-breaker from you. More accurately, you have caused him to withhold one or more significant thoughts from you. He's had no choice other than to mirror your integrity.

I recommend that you do The [free] Clearing Process (it works). Once you've completed your clearings you can invite your friend to do it also, then you both can do The [free] Clearing Process for Couples —it will greatly enhance every relationship.

Another option is to do some Auditing via Dianetics. They have done some exceptional work with what others refer to as mental problems; it would be doubly powerful for you in that you would become clearer about intention, especially when it comes time for you to recess/extract yourself from Scientology's communications, from its membership.

—With aloha,  Gabby

P.S. You'll need to get clear so as to let your eventual spouse know what to expect if the behavior (with any of its various manifestations) continues or gets worse as you get older (subjects such as health insurance, children and DNA considerations, and worse-case scenarios). Read: An inconsiderate gift to give a prospective partner.

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