Hi Divorced: There are several things about your letter that don't feel good.

I'll begin with, ". . . the last thing I ever wanted was to be another divorce statistic . . ." This covert make-wrong presents you as self-righteous. You unconsciously make those who have divorced wrong, as though you are (or were) better.

Your comment, ". . . when some insensitive person . . ." reveals more about you than it does a well-meaning friend; they are in fact mirroring your insensitivity. Is not a person who calls another "insensitive" (behind their back) themselves both insensitive and a badmouthing gossiper? In truth, your thoughts are make-wrongs. Their comments are simply unconscious communications generated from both ignorance and uncomfortableness. It reveals that you are not in-communication with the "insensitive" person; if you were you would have shared your upset spontaneously and the upset would have disappeared. Instead, because of your addiction to stuffing your experiences in the moment, stuffing your thoughts, you've become a non-verbal make-wrong mechanism, collecting better-than-thou reasons. You brought these addictions to blaming and stuffing thoughts into your relationship on or before the first date. Whatever thoughts(s) you withheld from him (referred to as deceptions) on the first date automatically, non-verbally, granted him permission to deceive you. 

Re: "They don't seem to understand that the subject is painful." That, or they are in touch with something you're unaware of; perhaps they see you dragging around your victim act. You have been unconsciously setting it up for people to assist you in completing the incident responsibly. They are presenting you with the opportunity to clear. The more clearings the faster one completes an incomplete containing such pain (do The Clearing Process). What you're looking for is the fork-in-road incident with him that was the turning point (on or before the first date).

I don't know how many people are voicing things that upset you but it sure would be hard for someone to come up with something that would work for you, other than to pretend there's no energy-sapping elephant in the room. In other words, a person who operates from integrity must stuff their thoughts when they are in your presence, and so you can't tap into the benefits of hanging around those who communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, no withholds.  You communicate your incomplete—your drama—daily, non-verbally, with your very countenance. It saps the energy of those around you. Keep in mind that most people are stuck in blame and make-wrong; others don't have your permission to be open and honest and spontaneous with you.

I do get your anger, however, it's obvious that you haven't acknowledged your responsibility (cause) for the results you've been producing using your leadership-communication skills—and so you've become stuck blaming him.  Most readers probably wonder how many tried to warn you about him, and, if you had the total support of both set of parents when you first started dating him. Arrogance always begs to be humbled, quite often in surprising ways. Do you have any sense what the karma might be for a life-time of self-righteous judgmentalness, of making others wrong, of thwarting the advice of others (and, it appears, of conning a con into marrying you) if not verbally then non-verbally?

BTW: If he had succeeded legally, resulting in awesome wealth, you'd find yourself believing and saying, "Yes, we've done nicely; we're a good team." The spouse of a Mafia Don seldom acknowledges the damage they, as a  couple, have done to others (mostly accomplished non-verbally) so as to be wealthy. One seldom hears the spouse of an inmate acknowledging support-credit for the results they co-produced; none issued the ultimatim, "If you do anything illegal I will file for immediate divorce (with no second chance). Do I make myself clear?"

Your problem began with the fact that you did not include a fidelity agreement in your marriage vow—the vow addresses all objectionable behaviors. 

Re:  ". . . what I would have preferred was for the circumstances not to have happened in the first place!" Yes, I get what you say you would have preferred, however, we also see that your intention, based upon the results your leadership communication-skills produced, was what you have. There's a genius at work here; your task is to figure out what drove you to produce this result. Just because one is unaware of how they manifested an intention doesn't make it any-the-less theirs.

Let's look at what happened when you (consciously or unconsciously) intended (caused) another to say something, such as, "Congratulations!." What you experienced was upset, underneath which is (it's still there) anger. If your intention is to complete this incident so as to use it to forward you in your purpose in life then it would work for you communicate from your experience instead of letting your reactive mind do its non-verbal judgmental make-wrong dance. What this might sound like is: "H'm that triggers upset. I've been stuck blaming him as though he did it to me. I haven't gotten to the point where I can congratulate myself for having produce the entire mess. So far it's been impossible to get that I masterminded the whole enchilada—that he mirrored my own integrity."

I suspect it will come as a humbling shock for you to realize that everyone mirrors you, that at some level you are not as innocent as you believe yourself to be. As Pogo says, "We have met da enmy and we is dem."

BTW: "While I know I'm better off without him, . . ." (Even unconscious lies have an effect.) You will never ever be "without" him. He is in your life daily—for life; mastery is having the relationship. Remember, you are the person, it was your integrity, that did not inspire him to behave as you believed you wanted. "Having" as opposed to resisting it, bemoaning it, trying to not have it, trying to forget it. You've got to arrive at appreciating him for what you learned about yourself through him. Your blaming arrogance required such a person so as to learn how to communicate responsibly.

Lastly, it would work for you to acknowledge the karma that attracted him into your life; that's the source of this incomplete, that's your cause in the matter. Until you tell the truth about your cause in the matter you will remain an angry victim. What you're looking for is an incident that took place before you married him. The mind, to be right, will destroy the body (health-wise) so as to be right; it cleverly "forgets" how it caused an outcome.

You'll find the four free communication processes in The Clearing House to be of value. —Gabby

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Last edited 12/7/21)