Gabby's Reply:
Hi Burning:
". . . crazy"? Maybe, but this topic is
definitely within the bounds of normal. Yours is
a great letter that will be of interest and
value to many readers.
I'm excited
for you. Your inquiry suggests that you are
ready to take your relationship to the next
level—from talking to communicating. To
manifest your intention you'll be entering a
realm in which all you know about sex won't
apply anymore, one in which the entire
experience of interacting becomes experiential
intercourse—no
beginnings, no ends.
"Communicating" (as opposed to talking) refers
to a communication model (not taught in
schools); it's a way of interacting (verbally,
non-verbally, physically, and psychically) in
which both parties agree to communicate
responsibly, openly, honestly, and
spontaneously, zero significant withholds.
It's about communicating from your experience as
well as from your mind. Presently
there's fear in the space between you and your
husband, else you wouldn't have written. I
recommend that you verbally communicate your
experience of fear to him. Also,
a woman who is whole and complete, one who is
in-integrity, would have felt comfortable
asking her parents for support first.
You and your family, and your husband, have
mastered talking. Talking has a different set
of agreements; specifically, presently, there's
an implied agreement to withhold significant
thoughts of choice from each other. It's called withholding.
Withholding serves as a barrier to the
experience of communication, of true
intercourse.
BTW: It's
impossible for just one partner to have
withholds from the other; both have an equal
number of thoughts they are withholding from
each other (yes, both and equal),
there are no exceptions to this phenomenon. When all thoughts
have been shared there is an experience of being
one with each other (a.k.a. love). In other
words, he too has one or more thoughts he has
yet to share with you verbally.
The following thoughts will facilitate the
transition:
I'm concerned about your comment, ". . . but I
haven't had the nerve to ask him." There are
[free] clearing processes (see below) for
individuals, and another one for couples, that
will support you in identifying the source of,
and disappearing, your fear. Your
fear consists of many considerations; underneath
them is the truth. Considerations are
thoughts, both conscious and unconscious, that
serve as barriers to manifesting ones stated
intentions.
Here's some possible considerations:
Even the thought of thinking about talking about
the subject triggers anxiety. This fear probably
began during childhood, after an interaction
with another, perhaps trying to talk with a
parent about sex. The effects of that
interaction run you to this very day.
Your concern about what he might think about you
could be another consideration.
You
might have vestiges of Victorian-like values and
so there could be shame, etc. associated with
the thought. I.e. If you had grown up together,
"Blue Lagoon-like," you wouldn't have been
accidentally brainwashed about clothing. "Here,
try this loin cloth I just made to protect your
"thingy" from getting sun burned."
Another consideration might be that several
years ago he jokingly revealed a judgment about
something associated with such things and your
mind has stored that subtle communication in the
back of your mind.
You may have heard him laugh at another's joke
about . . .
Yet another consideration might be
embarrassment, yours and that which you think he
might experience.
Another could be that you have an unconscious
fear of where it might lead to, for both you and
him.
And, of course the biggie, what if he not only
says NO, but with self-righteous, indignant
condescension, as in, you only know that part of
him he has shared verbally.
Each of these considerations, and dozens more
that we haven't covered (most of which are
hidden under other, as yet to be verbalized,
thoughts), serve as barriers to open, honest,
and spontaneous communication. In
the communication mastery curriculum your
never-ending-task is to keep your mind as empty
as possible so as to minimize automatic
knee-jerk angry reactions. It's called
completing the incompletes. Eventually,
topics of sex will be as easy and comfortable to
discuss as meal preferences. I.e. "Let's have
spaghetti tonight." or, "Let's play
doctor-patient tonight." Once you have
formulated the intention to share all your
considerations the truth of what your fear is
about will appear.
"Incompletes" mostly refers
to childhood interactions that were not mutually
satisfying.
Although you are always the leader and the
follower in your relationship (which includes
controlling/surrendering when appropriate) in
this matter you are the guide. For certain he
has sex related thoughts that he has been afraid
to talk about.
BTW: He has exactly the same
number of considerations. In truth, all we're
talking about is cloth and giving and receiving
pleasure, expanding upon the visual and, your loving intention to create a
unique pleasurable experience.
It would be valuable to know if your
family/community still has outdated morality
laws (Victorian beliefs still run us to this day
without us even knowing it). A
dormant fear of being caught or arrested often affects ones
ability to be. Such a fear can be disappeared
via verbal communication.
The next "level" (a.k.a. the communication
mastery curriculum) has to do with enrolling
another(s) in supporting your projects. This
requires that you be
clear about your intentions.
For example: If you "ask" and
he says no it would reveal that you
unconsciously intended for him to say no. It
would also reveal that you were unconscious when
you asked him, that no matter what you believed,
you had no intention for him to say yes. This
brings us to the subject of asking.
For you to ask anyone
for anything you must first have in your mind
that it be your idea that they say yes or no.
In this way you create space for them to choose
rather than reluctantly give in to any
unconscious manipulative/pressure. Many men blow
it big-time with their partner when they
manipulate them into group-sex or three-somes.
This is partly because they have yet to master
communication. They don't know how to create
space for it to be their partner's co-created idea, if
ever. Also, they might know intuitively that the
wife would say no if truly asked.
Consequently, the partner goes
along with it but with
non-verbalized blaming considerations and, he/she
unconsciously makes sure that it doesn't work.
In this instance, the husband was not open and
honest during dating about expectations, and
would later reap the karma of deceit.
For you to manifest ". . . lingerie . . ." you
first have to be totally willing to let go of
your "desire" FOREVER! If you pretend
to ask, if there's even
a hint of disappointment or make-wrong, he'll
know he has no choice. In fact, I'd return
the lingerie before you ask so as not to create
psychic pressure; else, it
might/could communicate that you knew he could
be conned; I'm not sure how he'd
feel about that. Perhaps you intuit that he will
do whatever you ask and so your letter is about
making yourself comfortable with the truly
exciting possibilities. Once you've
handled your considerations
you must be willing to "get" (to be with) all of
his thoughts, with no smiling or laughing or
expressions of disappointment or shock. You must
be a safe space for him to share his truths.
Keep in mind, if he declines your suggestion it
doesn't mean he's not open-minded, perhaps he's
just uncomfortable. Most men think such thoughts
and are afraid to talk about them for fear of .
. .
I recommend that you first
do
The
[free] Clearing Process,
then invite him to do it, and then the both of
you can do
The
[free] Clearing Process For Couples*;
the
processes will
reveal many thoughts you both have
been hiding from each other—it will result in a
squeaky-clean relationship and
intercourse like never before.
Use this Comment form for comments/feedback, to
empty your mind.
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