Dear Confused: You sound like a bright sensible girl, and it seems clear that you are not ready. It doesn't matter how Jason feels. You don't have to do this to please him, keep him or be like everyone else. Wanting to get it over with is no reason to have sex.

Your letter reveals that you are an unconscious con. You are not acknowledging the con you're running on Jason. This causes you to be a potential liability to the both of you, possibly your respective futures. The following will support you with your communication mastery curriculum.

Your con includes saying the word, "no" but to non-verbally communicate ". . . keep trying, I'll eventually give in, and when I do I'll make you feel guilty for pressuring me into having sex." Your integrity is such that you're ripe for setting him up to "accidentally" impregnate you. Did I mention "respective futures"? Any idea how many teens started high school with the idea of going to college but instead unconsciously opted for pregnancy and then became preoccupied playing house and soccer mom?

You used the promise of sex to get and hold on to Jason and now blame him for wanting sex. We know this is true because that's the result your leadership-communication skills produced. Using your wily ways, selected clothing and arousing scents, you've set him up to beg.  It's called manipulation. One good test: Ask a Nun if she would advise different clothing when you're going out on a date; perhaps you've changed clothing or unbuttoned one or two top blouse-buttons after you left the house.

"No," when communicated (with an intention for it to be gotten) instantly transforms the relationship; after he completes his initial experience of upset and disappointment it creates a context of respect. It's also an excellent introduction to controlling and to being controlled.

Conversely, "no," when said, but not meant, when it's a lie, the lie is soon revealed after you intend more foreplay.  When the "no" is a lie it immediately grants the boy permission to keep trying with the implied promise of success. It causes struggle, confusion, arguments, and broken agreements; respect is somewhat diminished between them.**

It's unbecoming of you to be pretending that you don't know that his mind, instead of studying (in every class and when at home supposedly doing homework) is partially preoccupied about sex with you; it's evidence that you don't have his best interests at heart. Keeping another incomplete (wishing, guessing, hoping) is control. You kiss him, or set him up to kiss you, knowing it causes him an erection, and then you blame him for wanting "one more potato chip."

How does a boy know the difference between the two no's? One way he can tell is if you've already said no to something and then set him up to talk you into a yes. Another way is if he has observed you being rude, abusive or deceptive with your parents, lying to them and others, or, if you non-verbally condone his lying to his parents, or deceptions to others. Non-verbal support of his unethical behaviors causes him to disrespect you. He's not aware that he doesn't totally respect you, it just gets dramatized in his behaviors with you (lots of "I forgot..."s and broken time-agreements).  I inserted the word totally to make the point even though it's redundant.

Note: He doesn't have to witness or even hear about an abuse or lie to know you don't treat your parents with respect, it's an aura/attitude thing.

On the other hand, fathers who arrogantly (I can raise my daughter myself, I don't need no stink'n help) refuse to get coaching on how to have a supportive, loving, hugging, open and honest relationship with their daughter, drive (yes drive) their daughter into the arms of affectionate-acting, horney boys stuck in sexist, condescending behaviors, boys who have not been taught by their father how to treat women with respect. Both teens, wanting love and approval, opt for the next best thing, sex.

You write, "I was taught that my virginity is special, and that I should wait until I'm married." This is a lie. What's so is you were told that your virginity is special. Telling someone about an ideal is different than communicating/teaching it. We wouldn't be having this conversation if your parent's wishes had in fact been communicated (taught, learned, & owned).

Parents who don't know the differences between considerations, wants, wishes, and intentions, most often end up with teens stuck in thwarting, disrespectful, deceitful, rebellious behaviors. All such parents are withholding significant thoughts from each other and their children (yes, all). A child can be no more honest with his/her parents than the parents are with each other and their child, it's an entanglement phenomenon.

Virginity is your parent's "good" idea. You haven't told them that you are confused and have doubts, that you have been considering having sex (not, going to have sex) merely thinking about it. The fact that you aren't being honest with your parents indicates that your "honest act" with them and others is just that, an act. How can Jason possibly respect someone who would deceive her parents? He will of course swear that he does love and respect you because those are the words you've non-verbally let him know that you need to hear. I.e. Girl: "Will you respect me tomorrow?" Boy: "Absolutely, I love you, you're the best; now let's have sex."

Keep in mind, a boy who doesn't have an open and honest relationship with his parents will tell you anything your mind needs to hear so as to get you to have sex, and, he'll lie and tell you it's the truth (and you, because you intend to be conned, will pretend to believe him). From the very beginning a boy watches and listens for subtle communications from you so as to learn what to say, what you need to hear, to get you alone, to justify breaking the implied agreement you have with your parents.  Quite often the magic words are, "I love you."  The very words that are seldom, if ever, heard between, or from, parents at home. The fact that he'd be willing to talk you into having sex without the support of your parents reveals that he'd deceive his own parents as well. In other words, your first with him would not be the exquisite spiritual experience of intercourse.

Re: "I know he wants to lose his virginity to me." This places tremendous responsibility upon you, to ensure that you're both in-integrity so that it's a most perfect joyous experience. If you're not comfortable discussing sex, then you will most certainly be at effect of the entire process. You must feel confident asking to see his penis and showing him your vagina before anything else. Why? Because you must check his penis to see if there are any signs of herpes or an STD. Men lie and deceive. That's the huge advantage of communicating vs. talking; communication automatically disappears all fears and considerations. All thoughts must be shared for true intercourse to take place. If one partner is withholding thoughts (deceiving) his/her parents then what happens is an imitation of sex. True [breathing together] intercourse takes place in the space of two who are in-integrity.

The vast majority of parents had deceitful (behind the backs of their own parents) sex; they continue to have unacknowledged withholds between themselves, their relationship is rife with breakdowns in communication. There are no exceptions to this phenomena.

** One of the major benefits of virginity is that you won't find yourself hugely disappointed, reluctantly comparing your eventual spouse with a high school sweetheart who had mastered oral sex. 

P.S. If you truly want to make a difference make several copies of this letter to leave on desks and bulletin boards, or send (anonymously if need be) to your school newspaper editor; it will generate thousands of valuable conversations.  

P.P.S. Here's a supportive article: Do you need to be deceived or cheated on?

Use this Comment form for comments/feedback.

Comments

Add Image

 

Not using Html Comment Box  yet?