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#41
Sever ties only with abusive father /
Abusive mother enables father's abuse |
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Dear Ann Landers:
My father and I have never had a good relationship. He was abusive to me
as a child but I forgave him. I thought he had changed and we were finally
on our way to trusting each other. I was even beginning to like him. I adopted a son last year, and my parents offered to baby-sit while I work. My son was fond of his grandparents, and it was a lot cheaper than day-care, so I agreed. This worked well for several months, but last week there was a problem. Dad and I had a disagreement, he grabbed me by the throat and pushed me into the wall. I was shocked and surprised by his behavior. I have no intention of giving my father another chance. Unfortunately my parents are a package deal. If I cut off contact with my father, my mother will also be out of my life, which would hurt me beyond measure. Also, I do not want to deprive Mom of the pleasure of her only grandchild. What can I do? NO MORE FORGIVENESS IN OHIO Dear Ohio: There is no reason why you have to cut off both parents to keep your father from harming you or your son. Tell your mother she is welcome to visit in your home anytime, without Dad, but you no longer feel comfortable going to her house. She may not like it, but maybe she will understand. Your father has some serious anger management problems and could benefit from some counseling. If he values his relationship with you, he will follow through. Encourage it. Ann |
Gabby’s Response: Hi Ohio: Although you say you
have forgiven your father it's clear that the first and subsequent incidents of
childhood abuse are not complete. There's a whole bunch of conversations
that need to take place. Your
story is covert abusive badmouthing. Who taught you to blame others for
the fights you now get yourself into as an adult? I'd be extremely
concerned if I were
your spouse. Without your father in your life to feed your addiction to abuse, giving you anger fixes from time to time, you'll be needing another source to blame for your upsets. Without a doubt you will soon be lashing out at your wife. It begins with verbal abuse, which will increase in frequency to the point where you will eventually stop feeling badly and for which you will "forget" to apologize (clean up) through to lovey-dovey before going to sleep. You'll find yourself blaming her for your upsets. I would not trust my child with either of your parents until both have completed six months of weekly therapy/counseling sessions. Your wife needs counseling because she also unconsciously attracted, married, and now rewards someone dragging around unresolved childhood anger. She is as unconscious as you and your mother, and, cannot see that she also is addicted to abusing to being abused, that she also enabled your abuse with your father—extremely powerful. It could be said that she unconsciously set you up to be given a humility lesson by your father for the arrogant condescending (abuse) you inflict upon her (remember, she's also addicted to blame). At some level she cannot respect you for relating the babysitting incident to her from badmouthing blame. You managed to turn her even more against your father. It's a never-ending story, passed on from generation to generation. You alone have the power to stop this legend. Abuse is an
addiction as debilitating as any drug. —Gabby |
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