#42 Don't let pre-nup wreck relationship / Next time tell man up front
 

Gabby's Response:

Hi Not Sure: I don't get "Not sure." It sounds to me as though you have firm convictions. It's unlikely that you will be able to change Charles' mind and it appears no one can change yours. Both positions are founded upon the lifetime experiences of two families. Both equally right, reasonable, and justifiable.

You are fortunate to have discovered this lesson now. There are things you were supposed to have learned from your family, high school sociology classes, friends, and dates. It looks to me as though you aimed out of your social class. People with heirlooms have different viewpoints about many things as do romanticists and idealists.

You are absolutely right about prenuptial agreements being a plan for possible situational/relationship changes. However, many who have been there would say that your position reveals a naiveté—about marriage, and that your arrogance begs to be humiliated. You ignore the fact that millions and millions of other marriages have failed. You honestly believe that somehow you are better and more capable. I know of no parachutist who jumps without a reserve yet none would say they "expect" an accident, they are just willing to look at the possibilities, something you have resisted.

Most all divorced couples will tell you of the profound love and sense of commitment they had at the beginning. Millions will also tell you what happened to their  possessions as a consequence of an acrimonious divorce. You honestly think the nastiness, spite, and greed is out there, that it's not within you to want to hurt another by making them pay for your inability to effect mutually satisfying communication.

Charles says, "...his parents expect his bride..." His is an irresponsible statement, a dump. It's one of several red flags. A person who communicates responsibly would have said, "My parents and I want you to sign.... If you agree then we all would like to talk with your parents to make sure they also can agree to this stipulation." The way he presented it to you, by blaming his parents, was partly because he didn't want to experience the embarrassment and uncomfortableness that comes from having to acknowledge (own) such a position. It is a communication of distrust.* However, you created his distrust, he is simply mirroring your presentation (continue reading).

Here's another red flag: A responsible honorable man would have brought up the pre-nup stipulation up front, most certainly before sex. It's possible he uses his and his family's financial status as a hook. It's just not responsible to dump such problems in the lap of someone who's not used to handling wealth. For him to be dating outside his social circle suggests that he's got control issues (some successful men choose younger or relatively unsuccessful women, women they can impress, control and dominate rather than choose an equal). My guess is that he's going against his parent's wishes—marrying outside his class. For him to thwart his parents means that you'd possibly inherit the abuse of the family's in-fighting. The potential for one or both parents to psychically hex the marriage, to be right, is enormous. Never underestimate the power of a parent's nonverbal intention for their child's relationship to fail, because he/she didn't listen. They may know you better than you know you; quite possibly they knew that the way to get rid of you was for him to insist on the pre-nup requirement. One usually doesn't acquire/sustain wealth without being able to read others. Notice they didn't advise him, "Now be careful how you present the pre-nup requirement, don't scare her, she's a jewel."

It doesn't appear that you have in mind to select a partner whose parents your parents will enjoy. It's both inconsiderate and abusive to submit ones parents to in-laws with whom they would never choose to socialize.