Guilt about not loving my stepdaughters / Imitation of communication not producing love
DEAR ABBY: I married the man of my dreams. We have a wonderful life together, and we just had a beautiful baby girl. My Husband was married before and has two children from his first marriage. They are great to me—in fact, they are great kids.
The problem is, I don't love them. I feel so guilty about it. I treat them really well and I'd do anything for them. But when it is "our" weekend, I dread going home. I am not like that with our daughter—her I love with all my heart.
Why do I feel this way, and how can I change this? I need some advice desperately. Ashamed in the South
Annie's Reply:
DEAR ASHAMED: We don't love all people the same way, but that doesn't mean we don't have love for them.It is possible that on some level you resent your husband's children because they represent the intimacy he had with his first wife. But let me assure you that unless you are willing to work on those feelings, you will cause conflict and hurt in your household.
My advice is to discuss this with a therapist and work it through. And in the meantime, work extra hard at being a loving and caring friend to those kids—because when all is said and done you're not their mother and friend is all you can be. —Abby
Gabby's Reply:
Dear Ashamed: It's so great that you wrote. Myself, I learned the hard way. As
Abby says, I caused lots of "conflict and hurt." As an orphan, I never
experienced love; I wasn't experiencing love with my perfect wife or son
Two
things: Firstly. I get that you have experienced shame.
However, that is not your problem. We know this because when you tell
the truth, the problem disappears. My sense is you still felt ashamed
after you wrote your letter and perhaps still do. So, telling what you
thought to be the truth, describing what you thought to be the problem, didn't resolve the issue. We have yet to address
the source of the problem. What we've done so far is to get the subject
matter out in the open so as to define the problem; no small
feat.
Millions of others have the same problem, especially relationship
couples who love each other conceptually but seldom experience the
experience of love anymore, and, they don't know how to recreate it, at
will, through a single sit-down conversation. Arrogance, (a
resistance to asking for support) is definitely a barrier to the
experience of love. This is why I applaud you and your letter. Most
unconsciously put up with such things.
Secondly:
Asking "why" is not a very useful question. The answer, as to why, even
delves into the metaphysical, it has to do with everything; everything
you've ever said and done and all the interactions you've ever had and
all the thoughts you've ever thought—get my drift? It would take as long
as you've lived to completely discuss the why of any behavior. Remember
how your mother would answer "Why" questions with, "Because. That's why." What
she was communicating is, "Anything I say would be a lie—only a very
small fraction of the truth. I don't have the time or wisdom to give you an accurate
useful answer."
Your problem stems from the fact that you are not
communicating openly and honestly with anyone. All you need is one
person (who operate with integrity) with whom you share all such thoughts, zero significant thoughts
withheld between you. Problems simply don't persist if you have just one open,
honest, and spontaneous relationship. When an unwanted problem persists
it reveals that you have become stuck doing your imitation
of communication. There are no exceptions to this phenomenon.
For example: My sense tells me
that you have not discussed this with your husband. For certain you have
not verbally communicated it with the children. I emphasize "verbally"
because it does get communicated non-verbally. You have not been
communicating from your experience with the children. You've been using
your mind to interact with them (it's called talking which is entirely
different than communicating). Talking always produces more of the same.
Put another way, they can't trust you to share what you're experiencing
in your relationship with them. So now you can see that there are issues
of trust that you've created using your present communication model, the
one your parents, teachers and clergy taught you. You have been withholding
thoughts from them.
Withholds serve as barriers to the experience of
love. I assure you they too have an equal number of
thoughts they have not been sharing with you (again, verbally). Had you
shared this concern with your husband, and if he had not offered advice
but simply gotten your thought as a consideration, upon completion of
that interaction, you would have been in a different space. You would
have automatically found yourself sitting down and discussing the
absence of the experience of love with your stepdaughters.
So,
how do you learn to communicate from your experience? You find someone
to coach you—a
responsible truth teller, an
agreement keeper. Give the children the job of letting you know when
they hear a lie or B.S. —within a month you'll be a truth-teller—not
that you won't lie any more but that you can be trusted to acknowlege a
lie when you hear it.
You have three
options: Post your concern on the Message
Board and you'll receive a reply. However,
the reply will be a bit much to grasp without the benefit of verbally
discussing each sentence, so much so that it will only give you some
sense of the immensity of the curriculum ahead. Many report that they
re-read such communications and these "letters" and only later do they discover there's so
much more.
The second option is to read about the Relationship Communication Skills Tutorial and see if it feels right for you. The free tutorial consists of a series of conversations with a coach, the effects of which will transform your relationship with the girls and your husband.
The third option is to do a free 3-hr communication-skills consultation via
telephone/zoom with the coach. It too is extremely powerful and supports
transformation. If you read some of Gabby's replies you'll notice that
you're the only one who Gabby has suggested the three options. This is
an acknowledgment of your present communication skills and the fact that
you are woke enough to have reached out; you intuitively know
that there is a way to create the experience of love within a single
sit-down conversation.
Lastly: Making
yourself wrong for a result your communication model produces guarantees
more of the same. It invalidates the genius in you that set up life to
get this far in the enlightenment game. Trying to change the way you
feel won't work. What will work is communication—simply by getting into
communication you will experience love. —With aloha, Gabby
Last edited 4/19/23
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