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Should I tell boyfriend my history of abuse? / Unaware of cause of past abuse. Dear Carolyn: I have recently become involved with a man, a potential boyfriend. It's the first time I've been excited about someone since I broke off a relationship with an abusive ex-boyfriend. I was honestly beginning to wonder if I would ever want to be involved with a man again. I know I need to take everything pretty slowly so it's convenient that he's also in that frame of mind. The other night he was talking about a friend who seems drawn to women coming out of abusive relationships. He said it was a really bad idea. I (innocently) asked why. He said women who have gone through that have trust issues. I changed the subject. I really hadn't thought about if/when I would tell someone about my emotionally and physically abusive relationship. Is that something I should tell a boyfriend? And if so, is the time to tell just whenever I feel like it or are there signs I should watch for? (Oh, I am in counseling and am doing extremely well.) New York, N.Y. Carolyn's Reply: Dear New York: I can see that from your perspective this guy has put you in an awkward spot, but if you lean over this way, you might see that he's given you a great opening to talk about your past. First of all, yes, you should talk about something like this with a boyfriend, just as you'd talk about anything else that went a long way towards shaping your life, like your upbringing or school years or career goals or interests. It may suck, but it's still a part of who you are. As for when you talk about it, that's your call. The sweet spot between blurting and covering up is something we all have to find for ourselves.
And now you can
bring it up by telling him you thought a lot about what he said about it
being a bad idea to date abuse survivors, and that as a survivor
yourself you have something to add: that dating women who have gone
through it and haven't dealt with the repercussions is a bad idea. This
could be a great conversation for both of you, or it could be early
notice that this isn't the guy for you. CAROLYN Gabby's Reply: Hi N.Y. "innocently," Not. That was your integrity at work. It could be said that you unconsciously (non-verbally, psychically) set it up for him to bring up the subject by not bringing it up yourself. By withholding your addiction* to abuse you have in fact created a breakdown in communication. What's been taking place between you and your friend is referred to as talking; communication produces entirely different results—specifically, sentence-by-sentence completion—which produces joyous love as opposed to doubt. Re: ". . . counseling . . . am doing extremely well" doesn't compute. That you "changed" the subject reveals your addiction to deceit and to being incomplete. A conscious therapist supports you in being aware of the correlation between personal integrity and results, the consequences of deceit, of withholding. Notice that you're still dragging around thoughts about that conversation because you weren't willing to not have the relationship; this suggests neediness. His concern about "trust" mirrors his own incomplete about trust. I recommend that you read a definition of abuse and then do The [free] Clearing Process and then schedule a free appointment with a leadership-relationship communication-skills coach. I'm wondering if you have told him that you are in therapy; if not, you've been even more deceitful, which of course will have it's own karmic consequences. One nice thing about coaching is that it's not therapy. Unlike a therapist, the up-front agreement with a communicologist (communication-skills coach) is that you must be willing to communicate openly, honestly, and responsibly (from cause), with close relationships, in this case, the person you're dating; otherwise, you are being both deceitful and abusive, for which there are compounding consequences. Most therapists will "work" with you for months without requiring that you (during the first in-processing appointment) acknowledge life's perpetrations (all lies, thefts, deceits, and abuses). Without a clearing process one can't be certain as to the source of, the cause of, a problem. I.e. Spousal abuse or PTSD. Also, with a coach, you must agree be willing to be supported in communicating responsibly, from cause; in this case, your cause of the abuse in your previous relationship(s). You are still addicted to blaming and badmouthing. I.e. ". . . broke off a relationship with an abusive ex-boyfriend." This sentence is covert blame. A responsible statement would be, "I broke off a relationship because of my addiction to abusing and to setting it up to be abused."** Notice the absence of blame, there's no confusing covert communication that he was more abusive, or that he started the abuse. You have yet to discover the consequences of saying anything negative behind another's back. This unconscious badmouthing of your ex indicates that you are more addicted to abuse than you can even begin to imagine. You ask when is a good time, if ever, to tell someone about your past. When would you want/expect a man to tell you the same, or, that he has AIDs, or herpes, or that he strongly believes in corporal punishment, or worse, a belief that a husband has the right to rape his wife? Certainly not after he had hooked you with his "wiles." Better yet, what would your parents say is the best time to inform a date (with potential) about your history of abuse? Could it be they took your side, that your ex was the abusive one? In every "potential" relationship situation, always talk about the possible deal-breakers before the first kiss. I recommend that you find another therapist. You unconsciously selected one you could con into supporting you in not addressing the source of your abuse. Also, your therapist does not inspire you to tell the truth, to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously—zero significant withholds is the key. "significant" a
thought which if shared verbally would trigger upset or anger. My advice to your "potential" would be for him to insist that you complete twenty-five 50-minute sessions with a new therapist [before another conversation/date] else, he will eventually find himself collecting upsets over your unconscious "innocent" manipulative behaviors. There's something about your leadership-communication skills (verbal, non-verbal, and psychic) that start arguments and trigger upset, resentment, and abusive disrespect. Anyone who would date you, one who supports your present leadership-communications skills, needs an equal amount of therapy. For certain your new friend is hiding something for which he has yet to accept responsibility. His, ". . . women who have gone through [that] have trust issues" is a covert make-wrong, a blame statement. It reveals a misunderstanding about responsibility. A truthful statement would be, "I have trust issues. My integrity once attracted, and subsequently deceived a woman thereby causing her to both deceive and not trust me." Notice that he has deceitfully hid from you how he arrived at his position about trust? He has yet to tell you her side of the story. That, or he ignorantly took sides with someone who described, from blame, a result they produced. By-the-by: Abusers always attract abusers. A person who is whole and complete, in-integrity, (one who has acknowledged all life's incompletes from cause, and who has no significant withholds) has no need for primary relationship abuse in their life, no need to have their unacknowledged (unconsciously-hidden) abuse mirrored for them, such a person does not attract someone addicted to abuse. He attracted you, ergo, he also is addicted to abusing and being abused. Notice the negative effect his equally "innocent" sneaky "fishing" comment about "trust" had on you—you are now incomplete from that conversation—this is referred to as abuse—a communication that did not feel good. He was so unconscious that he didn't experience your non-verbal tell, your micro-expression of upset.*** When he finds out that he had that conversation about trust with you and that you withheld significant thoughts about the subject you will have validated his position. His knowledge about trust is conceptual (a truth understood but not known from direct experience). Mother's admonishment "stove hot, owie owie" is merely understood until your first direct experience.**** A person clear about trust would not have dated you a second time; your incompletes (your trust issues) are communicated non-verbally via your aura. I suggest that you do The [free] Clearing Process, —it works—it supports one in disappearing the karma, so to speak, of life's perpetrations and the consequences of communications that were not mutually satisfying. Most importantly, it will empower you in manifesting your stated intentions. —Thank you, Gabby * "addiction" The partner who doesn't insist upon verbal acknowledgment of the very first abuse (I.e. "That didn't feel good. I need to hear you say that you know it didn't feel good.") becomes cause for all successive abuses; they reveal their addiction to abusing and to being abused. ** Congrats for breaking off your abusive relationship. *** One must ask upfront, even before agreeing to a date, about those issues that are deal-breakers. Considerations such as drug use, jail-time, religiosity, prior abuse, racial issues, woman's choice, whether your date enables his/her family's disfunctionality and a biggie, "Is there anyone who would be upset if they knew you were dating me?" I also recommend that you have conversations about fidelity and other Gabby Tips. **** To teach a child about a hot stove hold them firmly and grasp their arm and hand and bring their hand close to the hot surface so that your fingers begin to feel the warmth, you'll notice that they too react by pulling away. This is referred to as experiential-discovery learning. P.S. If you wish to post a comment I recommend that you first read the definition of responsibility. To ask a question please go to Dear Gabby's Message Board (free - registration required). Last edited 2/15/22 |