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Wife tired of husband's sex drive / Time for some intercourse

 

Dear Ann Landers: I adore my husband. We have been married for eight years and have two beautiful daughters. We feel our marriage is unique and that God brought us together. So, what is the problem? My husband would like sex every night. Once a week is enough for me. With two young children, I do not have the energy I once had, and like most women, my sex drive has decreased since the children came along.

 

My husband has done everything he can think of to "romance" me. He is generous with the compliments, brings home small gifts, gives me delightful massages and plays soft music. Nothing seems to work. Most women would die for a husband like this. Do you have any advice, Ann? I want to be the best wife I can be for this wonderful man. What can I do to promote a stronger sex drive? What is wrong with me? —LETTING HIM DOWN IN N.C.

 

Ann's Reply:

Dear N.C.: Nothing is "wrong" with you. You are just tired, like most women who have two children under 7 years of age. You need to make arrangements with a family member, close friend or paid housekeeper to take care of the children for a weekend, so you and your husband can have a mini-vacation to renew the romance. This should be done periodically. If you cannot manage a weekend, one night in a motel will do. Please follow through on this. It could make a world of difference.

 

P.S. Meanwhile, how about a compromise—three times a week? —ANN LANDERS

Gabby's Reply:
 

Hi N.C.: The source of this problem is that you aren't communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously with your husband. Deceit always produces less-than-desirable results.


Your letter reveals that you have been delivering certain thoughts non-verbally; specifically, "I only feel like having sex once a week," and, "I don't like feeling as though I'm a failure." And, he's not been "getting" these thoughts. It appears you have been trying to work around having to deliver those specific truths verbally, those communications, using those exact words, perhaps so as to not discourage him or even drive him away. In any case, it's time for you both to go to the next level in intercourse. A whole new way of relating.


If I were him I'd have to be willing to acknowledge that the way I've been communicating (apparently unconsciously) with my loved one has had an invalidating effect on her, that I haven't created a safe space for her to communicate certain thoughts. This reveals that he is unconscious. A conscious actualized man knows what kind of intercourse is appropriate. For him to want to communicate physically when you're communicating otherwise (albeit non-verbally) indicates that his integrity is out. In short, his out-integrity has sapped his consciousness. You've both become stuck doing your imitation of communication with each other.


All dissatisfactions with sex are a consequence of both partners withholding the same number of thoughts from each other.

 

For example:

 

Him: "I want sex."

You: (non-verbally) "No. I want to talk about why I don't want sex right now."

Him: (non-verbally) "We either have sex or I'll make you feel inadequate."

You: Again, non-verbally, "Well alright (begrudge-begrudge—with your Molly Martyr hat on), do it to me."

If I were you I'd have to be willing to acknowledge—that the way I have been communicating/relating with my husband causes him to continually beg for sex—that I use sex to control my husband and to make him feel guilty for wanting sex.


I'm concerned that you don't mention if sex is great, or completely satisfying, when you do have it. It's your responsibility to get certainty as to the source of the problem. A complete medical exam (blood tests, etc.) is in order as is a series of private (you alone at first) consultations with a counselor, therapist, or coach. Ensure your diet includes the necessary vitamins and minerals (iron, zinc, cal-mag, C, D, B-12, etc.).

 

In brief, if physical intercourse isn't in the space, just what is in the space that begs other forms of intercourse through to mutual satisfaction and the experience of love? (intercourse meaning—all intentions both conscious and unconscious, and all verbal, non-verbal, physical and psychic emanations).

 

It took me a long time to let go of being the boss, the male, and allow a woman to be the initiator and to seduce me.  Now I know why high school girls love to be asked to dance; it's incredibly validating to be asked. He needs to get that you are always having sex with him. He needs to surrender and experience the subtleties of your foreplay. No doubt he's climax oriented, if so, you might buy a book on tantric sex, (take turns reading it out loud to each other together). Look for a conscious-breathing Breathwork Workshop—it introduces one to the phenomenal (drug-like) experience of breathing together—read this letter.

 

Re: ". . . like most women . . ." Not so.

 

Re: "Compliments." Compliments produce entirely different results than acknowledgments (continue reading).

Your fatigue is also symptomatic of the effects of accumulating a lifetime of withholds and non-verbalized acknowledgments. That is to say, thoughts, withheld for reasons, have mass and weight, they eventually sap your aliveness, your energy. For certain there are things (good and bad) for which you aren't being acknowledged. Perpetrations, especially those you've withheld from everyone, from as far back as childhood, serve as barriers to the experience of energetic aliveness, of love.  Perhaps you believe you don't require being verbally acknowledged each and every day for picking up toys, shopping, and feeding the children. Not so. The experience of being completely acknowledged/gotten is a high-energy space. Imagine if you will, God suddenly appearing in your kitchen and He/She/It says, "Hi, I was in the neighborhood so I stopped by to let you know you're doing a great job. Absolutely perfect. Keep up the good work. Thank you. I love you." and then disappearing, just like a magician. WOW! That would be an experience of being gotten, of being acknowledged. You'd be high as a kite for quite a while. In fact, acknowledgment effects a transformation. You are not being acknowledged (praised, complimented & gifted, yes, but not acknowledged) for something—a good deed, a persistent thought (a withhold) or a perpetration.


Note: The word "completely" as used here is redundant. To be acknowledged is to be complete, in-integrity, whole, nothing missing, nothing added.
 

Another note: If you find yourself still doing chores when he's watching TV then you've conned him into using you. He should be as tired as you at the end of the day.

BTW: He has an equal (yes equal) number of thoughts he has been withholding from you. Can you imagine how unconscious he has been—to be sexing you oblivious of the fact that you're not truly in-choice, not totally in-the-now, perhaps even pretending you like it? I wouldn't be surprised if he has asked, "Was it good for you?" Many men are disappointed because their wife is seldom lubricated; unaware that high school type seduction foreplay has been missing. I.e. If both are withholding thoughts from each other the body's natural horny-juices don't flow. A man must create space for the woman to aggress; to the extant that she completely intiates sex. "I'm a virgin, I've never been kissed, please, teach me." is a fun game. Or, mo betta, "I'm a blind virgin, will you please teach me how to have sex?"

Another BTW: Depending upon your income it may be time for you to hire a housekeeper for a couple hours per week.


More about fatigue: Inform your family that you'll be taking a recess from all house chores and sex (to include shopping, food preparation, cleaning and picking up) for a full seven days, so that you can determine if your fatigue is physical or mental?  The first few days will be challenging, causing you anxiety as you watch things fall apart, but, resist picking up anything—they'll soon get that rest means rest. (This process works only if you can be trusted to not pick up even one single thing of theirs, nary a washed dish except for the one you need).smile Like trash-picking children in India, they'd have to do it if you suddenly died, so don't buy into the belief they need you. In preparation, buy all your favorite magazines, rent some DVDs, and check out a few great books from the library. Perhaps a Netflix subscription for one week. Plan a few outings by yourself including a visit to a spa/massage parlor. Communicate to each, "hands off my things in the refrigerator" (snacks and things you'll buy/cook just for yourself—remember, NO shopping for them, not even what you know they are out of).  For this to work your mantra must be, "Get it yourself." None will die if they have dirty underwear and unbrushed teeth for a week.

The "next level" I'm referring to includes clearings, also called be-withs (see The [free] Clearing Process). You must do it first and then invite him to do it. Then you both can do the free Clearing Process for Couples. It's your job to schedule be-withs every evening. Sit directly opposite each other and look into each other's eyes. That which is incomplete in the relationship, those communications that need to be delivered or completed, will pop up. If no thoughts pop up continue looking into each other's eyes silently for 15 minutes (it's called being with another). That which you are hiding will also pop up as an opportunity to share and deliver—or continue to hide. The more you hide the worse the problem will get. The first few be-withs might not result in the experience of love, especially if you are not verbalizing everything, however, a be-with between intimate couples, communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously, through to mutual satisfaction, zero significant thoughts withheld, always results in the experience of love and true intercourse.

It is virtually impossible for a man to maintain a condition of horniness, when he is in true communication, especially if what's needed is intentional compassionate listening and to be in support of you getting to the truth of what's going on with/between you. Being-with another generates an experience of ecstasy (a total mind-body awareness)* which usually triggers more conversations and sharing. As it is now, you have trained him to ignore your subtle non-verbal (I don't want sex now) communications, for which you covertly make him wrong for being so inconsiderately unconscious.

Military training and wars have proved that men can go a long time without sex so your husband can reprogram his mind to match your desire-cycle. A few conversations will shift him back into service to the Goddess in you. Much like a dog tugging on a leash until it has been centered (back to the walking-beside-you position) so too do men get into an automatic-sex-rut in which they honestly believe that they want or need frequent sex. A slight tug on his leash awakens him (heals him back into service).

 

Anyone who has the time and energy and an imagined need for frequent sex has yet to find his/her purpose in life.
 

It could be that neither of you are actively involved in ethical responsible community projects. Perhaps there are homeless/hungry within blocks of your home. This happens to be true for most divorced couples; they got things going nicely and forgot to bring along their neighbors. That, or, there's an integrity issue somewhere. I.e. Gambling, a business scam, minor but significant deceits (inaccuracies) on your insurance, tax, or resumes.

 

A person on-purpose, in service to others, is so busy that he/she is usually pleasantly exhausted at the end of the day, completely satisfied knowing they have served. Their mind is full of anticipation of the next day's activities. Most importantly, the communication-leadership skills it takes to be on-purpose (which include enrolling others in support of one's purpose) are the same skills it takes to have a mutually satisfying relationship. —Thank you, Gabby

P.S. You wrote, "We feel . . . God brought us together." Interesting that God would pair off a couple with disparate sex drives—Yes? I trust you are acknowledging God equally (as appreciatively and as profoundly) for creating this problem—if not, it suggests that you know this problem is your creation. I'm concerned about your reasons for not sharing this problem with your pastor. One is either problem-free or they have their reasons. You most certainly knew, at some level, that a columnist's advice would not bring about a transformation. Most readers consider your letter to be similar to picking a therapist that one unconsciously knows will not get to the source of the problem, one they can con. I.e. "But I've tried everything. I even wrote to Dear . . ." Notice that as nice and reasonable as the columnist's advice is, you will still have the same problem after reading it. If you look you'll see that you knew this before you wrote.


Additional thoughts: Some might use my reply to reinforce their position that premarital sex ensures similar libido's—except—you acknowledge that yours has "decreased" and is, ". . . not what it once was."  This suggests that at one time your appetites were similar. Perhaps not?  If not, then perhaps you began deceiving him early on. Who knows what consequences you've created for yourself if you've been presenting yourself as an open and honest person. This could be a negative-karma thingy; perhaps when dating you conned him into decieving both sets of parents so as to have sex behind their backs. If so, have you acknowledged your deceit to them? Did you con him into begging for sex. Could this be a consequence of an unacknowledged childhood lie. We pay ourselves back for our abuses.

 

* For my first experience with MDMA (Ecstasy?Molly) I was all psyched up for some great sex. What happened was we both experienced a new level of profound beingness that begged to be experienced, we found ourselves letting go of our  "plans" to have "sex" and let "it" flow. We talked and experienced each other for hours; later having physical sex, that was also mindblowing.

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Last edited 1/13/23


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