Dear Prudence: I have been with "Bob" for almost five years, and living with him for almost two of those years. We plan to spend the rest of our lives together and look forward to purchasing a house together. However, whenever the subject of marriage comes up, Bob says he's been there, done that and then he laughs and changes the subject.

At Christmas time, I assumed I was going to get an engagement ring because he had asked me a few times what kind of ring I like. No real surprise, I guess; there was not a ring under the tree. Nor on New Year's Eve. Not even a Cracker Jack ring.

Prudie's Reply:

Dear Nev: To take liberties with an old cliché: You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him get married. You are perfectly within your rights, after five years, to ascertain if there are rice and bridesmaids in your future. If you don't like his answer, you are free to go.

This is always an unhappy situation, but sometimes a man is just not the marrying kind. And sometimes the woman just doesn't seem to like the right one. You are certainly entitled to find out where you fit in. —PRUDIE HOPEFULLY

Gabby's Reply:

Hi Nev: You write, ". . . whenever the subject of marriage comes up . . ."  I would have gotten it had you written, "Whenever I bring up the subject of marriage . . ." Or, "Whenever I manipulate him into bringing up the subject of marriage." You continue with, ". . . he laughs and changes the subject." This is another blame statement. It's you acting as the poor wimpy victim.* You've been more committed to making him wrong (blaming him), intending that he laughs and ignores you, rather than intending an answer.  I suspect you know, if you pressed him for a yes or no answer, that the present form of your relationship would be transformed. You have gotten your answer several times over and still you don't believe him. Your behavior is similar to date rape. "No means no."  You won't take no for an answer. You think wearing him down till he gives in means that you really love him; worse, that if he gave in it would mean he really loves you. Not. He just may be addicted to your sex or your cooking. We already know a few of his considerations about you—however unaware of them he may be: 1) We know that at some level he doesn't admire your sneakiness. You didn't make it clear to him (up front) that you expected to get married within x number of years.  Instead, you have been covertly, silently, steadily pressuring (nagging) him.  It's a pattern of yours. If you win this game you'll redouble your efforts to change him in other ways. You have yet to learn how to create space for him to choose; he can't freely choose knowing you have the answer you expect of him.  Love is creating (intending) him to be exactly the way he is, being aligned and supportive of all his beliefs.  He's like a quarterback who says, "Let's go around the left end" and you're arguing and thwarting him, saying, "No, let's go up the middle." In truth you're not ready to play the intimate relationship game. You don't know enough to choose someone with a vision similar to yours, who's willing to play by your rules; someone who both controls and surrenders 50% of the time. or who agrees to have you be the source that empowers him. 2) It doesn't feel good to be made wrong. You have been overtly and covertly making him wrong, trying to change him. This is called abuse. No matter what he says he's not happy. A partner who is unhappy causes the other to be less than happy. How often do you find yourselves giggling and laughing with joyous appreciation for each other? 3) No matter what he says or believes, you're exactly what he has been looking for, sex with someone he can manipulate without the risks and responsibilities of marriage. You have lost, if ever you had it, his respect (some respect yes, complete respect, no). No man completely respects a woman he can manipulate. It makes him feel lousy about himself (him knowing the relationship is not what you say you want); yet, he's powerless to stop doing it around you. You reward and train him through your leadership-communication skills. You are addicted to being less-than-satisfied (to being incomplete) and to manipulating and to being manipulated. Manipulators always attract manipulators. Once you dump him you'll have no choice other than to find another who manipulates and thwarts you—unless you get about (25) fifty-minute sessions of counseling/therapy.** Even if you tried backing off, or tried threatening him, or actually leaving him, so as to get him to commit, you couldn't be certain that you didn't "get" him through manipulation; ultimately it wouldn't work for you. The truth is you cannot not manipulate. The trick is to manipulate others in a way that everyone feels good. Have you entertained the thought of optimizing the value of not being married? Millions of educated couples see the folly in the institution of marriage. Would you be happy if, as in the movie "The Blue Lagoon," you grew up, with no memory of parents and never hearing about marriages or traditions or what others do? What's up for you is to ask cleanly and simply, "Would you like to get married within Xn months, yes or no?" Clean, without drama, no manipulative tears—total space for him to say no. If he communicates anything other than a clear enthusiastic yes (the yes you want/expect), then you should say, "Thanks. I'll be leaving shortly." To do this you have to be totally prepared and willing to have him say no, and then you leave. Before you ask this question you have to envision a future (possibly a new residence, city, job, etc.) equally exciting so that he experiences having a clean clear choice, with absolutely zero pressure coming from you. Process your grief and sadness before asking and have a plan in place. I trust you have a career? If not, you have a few more problems and beliefs  that support your con.  It would reveal you've been playing what's referred to as the "long-con." All along, back when you chose to not study in school, you counted on snagging someone to take care of you. If you don't have a career then he will get to see that he irresponsibly conned an immature girl into taking care of him. Disregard this para if you are immediately employable. Male partners with professional housewives have million dollar life insurance policies to ensure their future. The same partner would, if planning a divorce, plan to help pay for your schooling, to get you professionally up to where you would have been had he not conned you into taking care of him so he could earn enough to take care of you both.  Note: "professional." All successful happily married businessmen have an equally (yes equally) powerful "professional" at home doing all it takes to empower him to succeed. To prepare for intending a "yes" to your marriage proposal I recommend that you first do the free Clearing Process for Professionals—it's about restoring your integrity; it will allow you to see to what extent your karma has been producing this result. Then, invite him to do it. Once you've both completed your individual clearings you both can do the free Clearing Process for Couples. If he refuses your invitation you'll know he's not supportable. It's like one of those suggestions professional wives make, suggestions that a successful male knows are wise, appropriate, and supportive. I.e. "Here, this color looks good on you." "Let's take some dance lessons." "Let's take a vacation." Let's do some counseling." You have to be willing to recreate the time (five years ago) when you should have been up-front with him, before the first kiss (I.e. "I vision being married within five years, how about you?) and start life from the answer you suspect he'd have given you back then. In this way your con won't have any negative karma.  In short, you are not ready for marriage. You need to spend more time with your parents, and, date some more until you learn how to relate from, and inspire, equality in a relationship. BTW: Using your present leadership-communication skills you'll be non-verbally teaching your child to be controlled and to be incomplete, —Thank you. Gabby * An actualized woman knows how, is not afraid, to intend answers to her questions. She recognizes when humor or silence is being used to hide a withhold, anger, or a truth. You need to have some powerful conversations with your parents. You are still processing some incompletes, specific conversations with each that resulted in you backing off and being afraid. Another alternative is to get some coaching, counseling or therapy. ** I recommend military service; it's excellent training to develop both your mental and physical-self so as to recognize the BS men and women use to control each other; within a short period of time you will be supervising men who won't be able to thwart or control you. If you do succeed in "getting" him to marry you I don't think it will produce the satisfaction you believe you're looking for. Comment Box is loading comments... To ask a question please go to Dear Gabby's Message Board (free - registration required). Last edited 6/24/22 [ top ]