Dad's concerns about unhealthy daughters / Is my fear causing health problems?
Dear Carolyn: I have several lovely adult daughters, ranging from their late teens to early 20s. I am concerned about the weight gain (30-plus pounds each) over the past year or two, but I am not sure how to approach them, I do not want them to feel body-shamed by anyone, never mind their dad. But I worry' about future health concerns. We have healthy meals whenever they visit, and I make an effort to have them join-me in outside activities . . . but, in the end, these are their choices. Should I express my concerns—once and only once? What are the right words? I would rather they be a bit upset with me than to have to deal with bigger issues in their mid-40s. —Concerned Dad
Carolyn's Reply:
Dear Concerned: No one on our part of earth needs help noticing weight gain. And it's not either-or, that you either upset them or they deal with bigger issues. You will upset them or not, and they will deal with bigger issues or not, each process independent of the other. If a concerned talk could turn weight gain around America would be thin. Love them and layoff the health-coaching idea, no matter how tempting it gets. —Carolyn
Gabby's Reply:
Hi Concerned Dad: It's so great that you wrote; most
parents aren't willing to ask; most are not clear about
responsibility (their
definition is missing the word cause).
As you've noticed, silence (non-verbal communications), have an equally
powerful effect; in your case, since their birth. If you keep
communicating as you have been you have the formula for more of the
same. Experience tells me that you will be visiting them in hospitals
because you're not willing to do what it will take to inspire their
health; therefore, I recommend that you intend what's so to be so. Your
task is to discover the wisdom behind this result; what have you been up
to?
Responsibility begins with the willingness to acknowledge that something
about your leadership-communication skills produced this result? Not you
and your wife, you alone!
Your daughters are communicating
something and it doesn't feel good to you, therefore it's abusive.
Presently, they each hold that their weight-health problem is theirs
alone; apparently neither can see that how they have been communicating
with you, their present presentation (their looks
and health) invalidates you as a successful parent. For
example: If you were at the mall with your daughters and you all ran
into a high school buddy of yours, I suspect you'd experience a twinge
of embarrassment about their presentation, as opposed to experiencing
pride from having done a "good" job.
My responsibility begins with verbally sharing my experience, my
considerations, say about a person's health. I ask if they'd like my
support; if my offer to support them doesn't inspire them then it's me,
not them.* Your
daughters are as unconscious as are you; neither are aware that your
relationships are incomplete.
You all have dozens of withholds between you. Withheld thoughts are
referred to as withholds.
For example: They have spent their life trying to be as
good as they've been led to believe you were growing up. In other words,
you have deceived them. You have not been open and honest with them,
ergo, they are hiding as many thoughts from you (all life's
perpetrations, thefts, lies, drugs, and sex stuff) as you are
withholding from them; they unconsciously opted for mediocrity because of
the impossibility.
Re: ". . . but, in the end, these are their choices." Not so. None of
you are operating from choice. You would not choose to have over-weight
daughters nor would they choose to be over-weight. You all are operating
from unconscious decisions each of you made much earlier. For you,
with
each of them, there was a turning point, a specific incident, that
became the mantra that determined everyone's health. With each, there
was a communication between you and them, that didn't feel good. It was
the turning point after which their individual and collective mind
decided to opt for mediocrity.
For example: A child in school is "told" that smoking is
unhealthy (that it even might shorten ones life). They run home and try
to get their parents to stop smoking. The parents don't allow the child
to support their health so, the child's mind unconsciously decides that
if I can't positively affect my own parents health, then there must be
something wrong with me. For many it was the first and last time they
tried to positively affect someone.
For each daughter to manifest health
you must master
communication. We're talking a transformation of how you all live, eat
and interact with each other, not simple changes. It could be said that
you've unconsciously set them up to support you in mastering
communication. The question is, are you willing to pick up where you
left off with your leadership-communication curriculum? Like yourself,
the majority of people have opted for mediocrity.
You don't mention your health or weight—could it be that they are
waiting for you to study biology, physiology, diet and the subject of intention so
as to teach them? What would each of them want to
change about you?
Myself, I can't cure/fix/repair anyone
unless I'm able to inspire them to intend to allow me to support them
with their intention(s). In other words, it could be that each of them
is intent on crashing and burning for some, as yet unknown, reason. An
unhealthy life is a socially acceptable form of suicide. Most
people are unaware that they are always manifesting their intentions.
You must be willing to acknowledge that they have mirrored your
intentions (albeit unconscious ones) about health. Think of a person
stuck in mediocrity as
being a black hole that sucks ambition, joy and aliveness from everyone
in their vicinity. Estrangement is
one way to escape the influences of a "black hole."
The fact that you have considerations about communicating spontaneously
about this subject with your daughters reveals that you have fear in
your relationship with them.
* Picture
if you will that one of your daughters had an audience with say, the
Pope or the Dali Llama, and he asked, "Would you like my support with
your health?" The premise being; some of us inspire others positively
and the rest of us have created enough agreement that we are not
powerful, beginning with our own parents.
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Last edited 12/17/21
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