DEAR ABBY: I'm in my late 20s, single and have no children. I have lived on my own since I was 18. I own my home, my car and have no credit card debt, but my mother refuses to acknowledge me as an adult.

When I do simple chores or cook meals, she acts surprised. She constantly pleads with me to move back home because she insists I can't take care of myself and refuses to discuss it any further than belittling me. My friends say what she's doing constitutes abuse. I'm not sure I agree, but I do think it is rude and manipulative. How can I deal with her condescending attitude when I'm with her? —AT MY WIT'S END

Abby's Reply:

DEAR WIT'S END: Most parents strive to make their children independent. Your mother might want you home not because you can't take care of yourself but because she doesn't want to live alone. I wouldn't call that abuse, but I do consider it to be selfish and self-serving.

You should not sacrifice your lifestyle to live with someone as manipulative as your mother. When she attacks, laugh and deflect her with humor.

Assure her that as incompetent as she thinks you are, you're "muddling through!' And if she persists, point out if she doesn't ease up, she'll be seeing less of you. —Abby

Gabby's Reply:

DEAR NO WIT YET: I'll begin with what most readers can easily see, specifically, that you don't consider shutting-down communication (about any topic) as abusive. Invalidating, condescending, and manipulating another in a way that doesn't feel good is abusive?* Can you spell d_e_n_i_a_l ?  If a date related with you that way, according to your programming, you'd put up with it, yes? If so, then you'd trigger contempt and even more disrespect, for which you would cause even more abuse. A bully resents anyone who mirrors their own weakness and so they attack that very weakness.

* Read definition of abuse

It's important to know, if you can't recognize abuse now you'll most likely attract and marry someone who will treat you that way because your mind thinks that controlling, etc., equals love.

What's going on between you two is not love. The love that once was has become conceptualized. Love is intending the person to be and behave exactly the way they do, without wanting or trying to change them. My sense is that it has been a long time since you've experience joy and belly-laughter with each other. The love is there, it's just buried under hundreds of overdue conversations. To create an experience of love you should first do The [free] Clearing Process, then invite her to do it, after which you can both do The Clearing Process for Couples —also free.

Some girls have no choice but to attract controlling men. No actualized and mature woman attracts or consistently interacts with a controlling man. A male controller (there are an equal number of female controllers) prowls for girls like yourself whom they can control. A man addicted to controlling can't attract a well-adjusted woman and so they surf for girls who need to be manipulated (those who have been trained to be controlled by their parents). Such a man acts nice and polite and loving at first and then slowly they begin to try and change you such as your mother is still trying to do.

That is to say, no mature woman would let/cause their mother, or anyone, treat them that way.

Although most readers will take your side and agree that your mother is both abusive and controlling, few can see that you too are abusive and controlling, that you, using your leadership communications skills, set it up for her to invalidate you, to make you wrong; then you blame her (for not acknowledging you as an adult) for trying to control you. She treats you as a child because you are still acting like one; she has no choice because of how you present yourself to her. She isn't satisfied, she's not complete. She knows she hasn't taught you to stand on your own two feet and to not allow someone to bully you. Young women, figuratively, are supposed to "cut the apron strings." Most young men stand up to their father gorilla-style with their first chest-thump-bump; such a maturity communication is always a fork in the road for both the parent and the younger person.

A mature woman would stop your mother in the middle of the first sentence that didn't feel good; they'd then say, "That didn't feel good." If she argued or tried to justify or explain it, rather than validate your experience of being abused, and say, "Yes, I get that it didn't feel good. Thanks for bringing it to my attention." If she continued to argue you would then then say, "Can you get that what you just said didn't feel good to me?" The question requires a definite verbal yes or no answer. Someone addicted to abusive arguing will not say the word, "yes." Instead they will attack you, accusing you of starting the friction. "Well, if you didn't . . ." If she continued to argue and justify her abusive communication a mature woman would say, "I'm going home now. Call me when you can tell me that you know that what you said didn't feel good, that it was abusive. I've got to know that I'm not unconsciously intending you to invalidate my choices, my life-style. I need to be able to visit you and feel good when I leave. It doesn't feel good for you to keep trying to change me."

In other words, to have a magnificent relationship one must, at all times, be willing to not have it. If you go home, then later you still must get her to say the word, "yes." "Yes, I know that it was abusive, that it didn't feel good." The word "yes" will be stuck in her throat, it can be extremely difficult to acknowledge abuse. Some parents just can't surrender to their child's wisdom.

I'm wondering, who in your life would say that you treat (or treated) them the same way she's been treating you?

We haven't gotten to the source of this friction between you. The reasons you both use, your beliefs, that explain what your move out of the house at age 18 was about, contain lots of irresponsible blaming and make-wrongs. Both sides of the story contain blaming lies for which there continue to be undesirable consequences. I doubt your mother has acknowledged that her leadership-communication skills drove her once precious daughter out onto the streets.

It's possible you harbor thoughts of resentment now that you know what it must have been like for your father to have been on the receiving end of her abusive communications. Lest you take either side, remember, he chose someone who needed help which revealed his own addiction to abusing and to being abused.

Not to worry, this is your leadership-communication mastery curriculum; you've unconsciously set it up for her to communicate abusively so that you can recognize it and know how to handle the very very first incident of abuse on a date. All divorces begin with the first incident of co-created abuse that is not handled through to mutual satisfaction. It becomes co-created when it is supported non-verbally. There are no "victims" in spousal abuse, only co-conspirators.

Yours is a valuable letter. Many will see themselves as either one, or both, of the parties. —Gabby

P.S. Whenever a person won't talk about something, when they attempt to control you by shutting down communication (when they verbally/nonverbally communicate, "I don't want to talk about it."), the relationship becomes incomplete. It's the beginning of the end of growth and aliveness. Such a person can no longer be contributed to; they become emotionally shut down. To support silence non-verbally (silently) reveals your intention to make sure the relationship fails.

Use this Comment form for comments/feedback.