Hi R.: Yours is among the most valuable letters for couples in our collection. It addresses the subjects of responsibility and blame.

Firstly, I applaud your willingness to try new things, new games, ". . . anything's OK between consenting couples . . ." What ultimately won't work for you is your misunderstanding about responsibility, specifically, the total absence of your cause. Most readers have already judged you to be a conniving, blaming tease, someone who will later use these adventures as reasons for divorcing your husband. This in itself is not bad, in fact it's very normal; it's part of the communication mastery curriculum as you discover the difference between sex and intercourse.

Are you willing to try on the following point of view?

Dear Gabby, using my highly sophisticated (mostly non verbal) leadership-communication skills I've manipulated my husband into manipulating me and now I find myself blaming him for pushing the envelope too far.

This is an example of communicating responsibly, from cause, zero blame. Your letter is irresponsible blame; more so because you've enrolled a columnist in supporting you in blaming your husband for a problem you've created. Worse yet, millions of readers had their victim-point-of-view reinforced; unfortunately it perpetuates the woman's role of being subservient, not powerful.  (for more about this subject read: Sandra, Elin, & Jenny—cheating and responsibility).

Your point of view is not your fault. Teachers, thusly students and parents nationwide, have been trained to blame others for their machinations.

Let's go over your letter:

Re: ". . . with a little coaxing, . . ." This is referred to as a blame statement. A responsible statement would be, [I coyly manipulated him into asking about my past relationships]. In other words, you unconsciously use sex as a means to control him, to keep him interested in you. Again, this is not bad or wrong, it's simply missing the truth, as to you setting him up to ask.  Millions and millions somehow communicate (mostly non-verbally) to their partners that specific questions about past lovers are inappropriate, at best not polite, possibly not wise; this etiquette rule unconsciously acknowledges the wisdom of chastity before marriage. It's premise being—often your first is your best because there is nothing with which to compare it. A teen girl who masters oral sex remains the criteria against which all other women are compared; her former boyfriends get married and try to teach their spouses "how to do it the same way" and fail. This leads to a specific (admittedly shallow but, for many, significant) dissatisfaction that usually remains hidden between a couple. Few wives know how to create a safe space for thoughts to be shared and so begins the accumulation of withholds leading to the divorce.  Men don't know that their reassuring lie, "You're the best" has awesome undesirable consequences.

Re: "I used graphic terms and went into great detail." You hint at the truth. The truth might go like this; [Somehow, from past experiences with him and others, I knew it would turn him on. I'm an excellent storyteller]. You fail to acknowledge cleanly your powerful manipulation skills. I.e. A man will buy some ecstasy for his date not knowing exactly what will happen but clearly have some sense, and be totally willing to have anything happen. Few men would later say, [She manipulated me into getting some ecstasy], partly because it would invalidate his manly seduction skills.

Re: "His suggestion that I go out with my old beau and "enjoy myself" as I had when I was single, however, left me hurt and somewhat uncomfortable." This is referred to as blame statement; it's also a setup. Instead of nipping the whole topic in the bud you set him up to hurt your feelings. This has been your ulterior motive—to have your feelings hurt. Now you have something to hold over him. You implied, believed, and pretended that you were open to all sorts of possibilities. It's not as though you haven't seen dozens of movies in which the woman acts surprised and hurt when she manipulates a man into treating her disrespectfully. You're much too smart and aware to not know that he was easy to manipulate.

What's most important is that you obviously didn't responsibly communicate your hurt as soon as he made that suggestion. We know this to be true because if you had you would have communicated through-to-mutual-satisfaction and therefore not had any reason to write your letter. Instead you stuffed (withheld) your experience and thoughts and now blame him. This reveals your pattern of creating incidents to later use as ammunition, as opposed to communicating so as to complete an interaction. You are addicted to being incomplete, to dragging things around into the next moment.

Re: "He's completely OK with it, not at all jealous." You're revealing naiveté. You are both unconscious. Neither of you are in touch with what you are experiencing. He's OK possibly because you didn't come home and tell him that your ex had greatly matured and that sex with him was fantastic (better than ever), that it was the first time you ever had multiple climaxes just through oral sex. You are so unconscious that you can't tell that he's lying and that he doesn't know he's lying.

Re: "I said I wasn't sure, but I'd consider it. What do you think?" This is a lie. Of course you're sure. Your "consider it" was another setup. It's called teasing, leading a man on. What should it matter what a columnist thinks? You already knew the answer you were hoping to get. Notice that you didn't write to Hustler Magazine.

This problem reveals that you have several incompletes with your parents. These incompletes will serve as barriers to you being here now, to natural knowing, and to manifesting your power.

Both of you are stuck doing your imitation of communication with each other. It's time for you to take your relationship to the next level of intimacy, to exquisite intercourse, something so senior to sex as to make sex look like sophomoric fumbling. If you keep using your present communication model, your way of relating/interacting, you will eventually doom the relationship to mediocrity, if not estrangement. Just look at most adults while they are shopping; few exude the aliveness and contagious energy that comes through being in communication with even just one other person.

If you keep communicating as you have been you'll eventually be blaming him for cheating on you. One cannot respect someone who can be conned.