Hi Bob and Everyone: These letters serve as reminders of how we cause the jealousy we say we don't want.

We begin with the premise that one can't resolve (complete) a problem they aren't willing to have created (intended). To disappear a jealousy problem you first must be willing to acknowledge that you have manipulated your partner into controlling you through fits of jealousy.

You produced this result using your highly developed, mostly non-verbal, leadership-communication skills. To lie, to say you didn't cause it, will cause the jealousy to persist; just because you are unaware of how you produced a result doesn't mean you didn't produce it.

Jealousy is about control. Jealousy cannot take place in a relationship in which both are experiencing love. Jealousy is a reaction to a relationship behavior that one partner wants to change in the other. Wanting to change someone is not love.

For certain you were unconscious at the very beginning of your relationship. You magnetically brilliantly attracted someone to mirror a behavior of yours that you now see produces friction. At first, jealousy was cute, a reassuring communication that supposedly proved they loved you. It was not love, it was abusive control born of insecurity. They not only didn't support you in doing what you were doing they made you wrong (to feel badly) about being who you were being. They wanted to change a behavior of yours (too gregarious, too seducing, too affectionate, too popular, too friendly acting, too naive).

BTW: The perfect partner is an automatic enroller; he/she enrolls everyone in support of the couple's purpose in life (Save the Whales, Rain-Forest, Global Warming, etc.). Such a couple have thousands of friends and supporters rather than just a few friends.

Let's assume that we all love everyone and that we have thousands of withholds (thoughts we deliver non-verbally) that serve as barriers to experiencing the love. The love is there, it's just hidden under layers of thoughts. When all significant withholds have been verbally communicated between two, what's left is the profound moving experience of love.

After reading this reply you'll be back at that very same fork in the road, after the very first incident of jealousy; the difference being, this time around you'll have a choice, to reward and empower jealousy or to nip it in the bud.

Of all the partners on the planet you alone chose someone who mirrors your addiction to controlling and to being controlled by submitting to his or her control. The way to control someone, to keep someone around, is to set it up for them to control you, to help you, to "guard" and protect you as a possession, to take care of you; you do this by not having a successful career before marrying, and then by surrendering to their desires and manipulations. This way of controlling another is not mutually satisfying. This begs the question, are you now willing to control your partner in a way that works for the both of you or are you going to continue controlling him/her in an unhealthy way that causes upset, anger, and the friction you say you don't want? If your answer to the above question is yes, continue reading.

Some examples:

Power: Let's go climb Mt Everest.

Source: No. I don't like cold weather and I don't see myself as being capable of dragging you back down if you get hurt.

Power: Ok

Power: Let's start an Internet business.

Source: No: I'm no good with computers. If you die I'll be left with something I would not have chosen.

Power: Ok

Power: Let's start a day-care center.

Source: Yes. I'm willing to be responsible to make sure it succeeds.

Power: How about if I go to work and you manage the finances, house keeping, cooking, and the children.

Source: OK. I'll empower you to succeed and prosper from my positions as personal trainer, life coach, homemaker, and manager and we'll split your (our) income (Read, Who gets what in a divorce? ).

With this leadership model one is sometimes unaware at first as to why they would cause (intend) their partner to voice considerations about after-work partying and drinking with their employees. Further conversations would reveal the truth.

A person on-purpose in life and their relationship attends parties in support of the success (integrity) of the company.

Persistent/reoccurring upsets are disappeared through clearings (see The [free] Clearing Process for Couples).

For example: In a relationship, in which there is open, honest, and spontaneous communication, no significant thoughts withheld, there is mutual trust. Pulled's wife has given him reason to worry. He is not experiencing certainty. Worse yet, Pulled, unbeknownst to himself, using his leadership-communication skills, set up his wife to play the party game. Words of love and fidelity may have been exchanged but they have not been communicated. They haven't been gotten at the level of knowing.

Re: "'Pulled' needs to find a way to put her marriage ahead of having fun with her co-workers." It appears to me that neither of them have found/created their purpose in life. Couples who are on-purpose are so busy they simply don't have time for such problems; neither would give off vibes that could remotely be mistaken as possibilities to roving letches.

Jealousy persists in a relationship in which both partners are withholding significant thoughts from the other. Put another way, a problem persists because there's a perpetration (a withhold, a deception) somewhere; both are withholding their thoughts of choice. Once the truth is told the problem disappears.

Jealousy persists when neither partner is willing to control the other.

For example, one partner willing to control the other might say:

Scenario #1 I'm the boss. Your job is to serve me. Your job is to find out what pleases me. I'll decide everything. If you choose to do something that upsets me that will be the end of our relationship. I will not tolerate thwarting or sabotage. In return for your service I will provide for you and protect you. Do you understand? Do agree to serve me?

Or,

Scenario #2 I don't like your jealousy. Either you agree to attend weekly sessions with a therapist until I'm satisfied that you've completed your addiction to jealousy or I will leave you. If you miss even one week of therapy I will take it to mean you no longer wish to be married to me and I will file for divorce. Is that clear? (actually, a conscious partner would have issued that ultimatum (usually non-verbally) while dating.

Obviously, few in America are willing to verbally communicate such conditions upfront. What we do notice is that most relationships have a modified version of Scenario #1. (benevolent dictator). Usually it's an implied non-verbal agreement. Most couples do sloppy irresponsible jobs of controlling each other. The wife will control the husband by gaining weight when he doesn't communicate supportively to her satisfaction. She further controls him with great sex, mediocre sex, or even withholding sex. The husband will control his wife by communicating condescendingly without acknowledging each and every verbal and non-verbal abuse; he will consciously choose to upset her by watching television when he knows there are chores that need to be done. In this way he manipulates her into not wanting sex and of course he blames her.

The above results are predictable in any relationship in which there is no agreement to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, zero significant thoughts withheld. Each partner brought his/her leadership-communication skills into the relationship. How each handled the first incident of jealousy determined all that followed.

Because most everyone is addicted to withholding this first experience and the thoughts that accompany it, it (the thought) is usually stuffed (it's not shared verbally). It is however, always shared non-verbally, by pouting, thwarting, or some other non-verbal dramatization. This irresponsibly sets it up for the other to ask, "What's wrong?"