Dear Abby: I can't stand my 10-year-old daughter. I was an 18-year-old single mother when she was born. I find her ugly and annoying. Everyone tells me how "sweet" and "pretty" she is, but I can't see it. I dread when she comes home from school. I am not physically abusive to her - I would never do that. But I can be verbally abusive, and I know I need to stop. She just makes me so mad. I am now married with two more kids (boys), and I adore them. What's wrong with me? How can I fix this? I'm afraid it's too late. I have no spiritual adviser to talk to, and I can't afford to speak to a professional counselor. —ANONYMOUS IN WASHINGTON STATE

Abby's Reply:

DEAR ANONYMOUS: The circumstances of your daughter's birth were very different from those of your sons. When you look at her, you may be reminded of a chapter in your life you would prefer to forget. How sad for both of you. The way you treat her, particularly in relation to her half-brothers - will affect the way she perceives herself for the rest of her life. People whose parents treat them as unlovable often regard themselves as not "measuring up," and it can cause self-esteem problems that last a lifetime.

Ordinarily, I would encourage you to seek low-cost therapy through your county department of mental health for the sake of both you and your daughter. If that isn't possible, then I advise you to hold your tongue, control your temper and compel yourself to show your daughter approval and affection every day until it becomes a habit or she's old enough to leave — whichever comes first. —Abby

Gabby's Reply:

Hi Anonymous: You ask what's wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you providing you are willing and able to follow these instructions. If you start to read the following and dismiss it, or simply can't bring yourself to follow these instructions, then you'll reveal that you need a coaching consultation or a minimum of 25-hours of counseling or therapy.

Note: Just in case you can't bring yourself to read this entire reply, I'll insert here, upfront, that although abuse (verbal, non-verbal, physical, or psychic) affects another's aliveness and self-image, each and every instance of abuse can be undone (completed) via an acknowledgment—soonest possible after the abuse.

If you don't follow these instructions or don't do therapy then your treatment of your daughter will continue to inflict even more damage on everyone—your daughter, your husband and sons, and yourself—only from now on it will be premeditated. You won't be able to tell anyone, perhaps through jail bars, that you didn't know. And yes, the damage to everyone has been that bad. These are the seeds that beget teen pregnancies, Columbines and terrorist enlistments. However, you can clean it all up with a series of sit-down conversations with everyone beginning with your daughter (Read, word-for-word, the Process below to effect a transformation for everyone).

Let's assume that you don't need therapy but that you, like the vast majority of parents, think that what's taught in schools about communication is what it is.  What's happening between you and your daughter is not your fault.  High school teachers and university speech-communication instructors don't teach students how to communicate, they mainly introduce students to the fundamentals and principles of communication.

You are experiencing a breakdown in communication, one that causes you to attempt to deliver the same communications over and over but non-verbally and psychically. You've been repeating some very uncomfortable communications non-verbally all these years because no one in your life has been able to get you, to acknowledge you for the effects of your non-verbal communications and thoughts. This means that you and your husband, and both sets of parents, have been unconscious. That is to say, you, and your entire family, have become stuck talking; you've been emulating your parents and your high school teachers.* Talking causes unwanted problems to persist whereas with communication, problems are resolved and, most importantly, everyone feels good upon completion.

The source of your problem with your daughter is your relationship with your parents. Lots of "yours," yes? A conscious man would not have married you until you had either cleaned up your relationship with your parents, or had estranged yourself from them—until they each had completed 25-hours of counseling/therapy. Unfortunately your husband has been unconsciously empowering you in abusing your daughter; he too is reaping the karma of abuse. In other words, you have been non-verbally communicating to him and your sons, "Please help me, I don't want to treat her this way, I just don't know how to stop." but, because they too have been unconscious, they couldn't see it or they themselves didn't know how (or have been afraid) to get into communication with you.

No matter how healthy and well-adjusted your sons may appear to be you've been modeling for them (mostly non-verbally) how to abuse another by withholding thoughts, how to torture and damage another without leaving physical marks, and how to stand by and watch (actually it's intend) another being abused so as to not receive the same treatment (it's referred to as the "good German" phenomena).  I assure you, at some level it bothers them to watch you treat her as you have been; they feel guilty and ashamed. It bothers them so much that it gets in the way of their potential, especially subject-matter communications between them and their teachers.  They intuitively know they should say something or speak up in defense of their sister, but they've compromised their integrity, thus it has been their intention, however unconscious, for you to continue treating her abusively. In other words, you've enrolled them in empowering you in abusing their sister. They have already learned from watching you that it's not only acceptable but that it's how one should treat girls. They will do everything in their power to emulate you so as to please you their leader. Also, they too have been withholding thoughts from you and everyone in the family.

What's worse is that you have enrolled your husband in supporting you in abusing another; he gets an imitation of intimacy and harmony with you but at the expense of another's happiness and well-being.  I say imitation because whatever you may be calling intimacy is not real—because there has been abuse in the space. Given that it's been your leadership-communication skills that have been supporting the others in your abuse of her it can't be having good karma for you or anyone. 

Another motivation to follow these instructions is that eventually the karma will start to manifest itself physically with behavior/health issues—for you and each of them.

Possibilities? Could it be that you're experiencing the karma of having conned a boy, or your husband, into deceiving both sets of parents so as to have your first sex? If so, have you verbally acknowledged your deceit to everyone? Could it be that you have yet to acknowldge the con you've run on boys/men, connning them into begging for sex, possibly conning one into impregnating you?

Re: "I am not physically abusive to her — I would never do that." — this implies that you believe mental abuse is less damaging. Did you know that one or more of your high school classmates have mentioned you or your name or your group/clique during counseling/therapy because their communications with you did not feel good? A bruise can heal but the emotional effects of verbal abuse lasts, for most, a lifetime. Why? Because few know how to complete an experience of abuse through verbal communication. With most people the abuse gets "talked about," "forgiven," "apologized for" or "forgotten" but then the incident reappears as ammunition in future arguments.

Re: "She just makes me so mad." This reveals your addiction to blaming. A conscious person would have caught the lie as they wrote that sentence—that she's the source of your anger—and, would have edited the sentence and written, "I find myself blaming her for my anger." Or, "Using my sophisticated leadership-communication skills I've trained her to thwart me and then I get upset and blame her."

To your credit your integrity is such that the problem bothered you enough to request support; most parents don't reach out.

Your problem will disappear once you verbally share with her all the thoughts about her that have been floating around in your mind all these years. I know this sounds strange but your "polite act" is wreaking havoc on the entire family. You need to "verbally" communicate to her (responsibly) what you've been delivering non-verbally.

Here's a free communication Process that will restore everyone's integrity; it's written specifically for you and your daughter. Later you can do the same process with your other family members.

Also, here's four free communication processes in support of communication mastery (specifically restoring and maintaining one's integrity) —The Clearing House.

Addendum: Imagine what it's like for a child whose parents simply don't like or admire them—a child who is a living-disappointment? What must it be like for a child to experience dutiful toleration and no love—words of love and gifts, yes, but no communications of warm hugging love? Such a relationship can be completely "fixed" via communication.

Note: The vast majority of teens eventually stop hugging their parents closely because of withholds, incompletes (unresolved blaming upsets), embarrassments, or fears of sexual thoughts/arousal (A-frame hugs)—such thoughts can be disappeared via a single communication. 

* Education majors throughout the nation's universities and colleges are only introduced to the principles and fundamentals of communication, they are not taught how to cause all students to turn in their homework on time and neatly. 25% of the nation's college freshman require remedial comprehension and composition courses because their K-12 teachers failed to communicate subject matter. Virtually all teens graduate with one or more significant deceits between them and their parents; teens mirror the integrity of their teachers who also are withholding one or more significant thoughts from someone of significance. None have had been guided to have the realization of the correlation between personal integrity and results in life.

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Corelone · Apr 8, 2021

Thank you, very much

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Last edited 1/4/22