Complaining dinner friend an embarrassment / Am
I really the leader?
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are occasionally
invited out to eat at expensive restaurants by a
couple with whom we are friendly. The problem is
the wife never fails to complain about the food.
It's the wrong meal, it was prepared
incorrectly, it wasn't what she ordered, etc.
Even after her demands have been catered to, she
continues to complain throughout the entire
meal.
It is embarrassing to see the wait staff treated
this way. We have become hesitant about joining
them, but out of fear of hurting their feelings,
we go. Then we regret having had to spend so
much money and having been embarrassed once
again.
What should we say the next time we are invited?
Should we tell the truth or make up an excuse?
—EMBARRASSED IN OHIO
Abby's Reply:
DEAR EMBARRASSED: The next time you are invited to
join them, tell the woman you have "other plans.''
(It's true. You "plan" not to be embarrassed again.)
If, after repeated refusals, the woman asks if there
is "something wrong,'' tell her exactly what you
have told me. Her behavior is boorish and a bid for
attention. —Abby
Gabby's Reply:
Hi Embarrassed: Awesomely valuable letter, most
everyone has a similar problem.
Your relationships have grown as much as they can
with you using your present communication model (the
way you relate and interact). In coaching jargon
you've mastered talking. Talking causes
relationships to inevitably bog down
personal-growth-wise because of withholds,
thoughts being withheld.
"Your next mission Ms. Phelps, if you accept" —is
called communication mastery. Once you've formulated
the intention to master communication you will start
generating more desirable problems.
The communication mastery curriculum begins with a
willingness to acknowledge that your
leadership-communication skills have produced this
result. Notice that throughout your letter you use
the word "we" rather than I? Once you've accepted responsibility for
having created it you can then resolve it.
It's not very valuable to try to resolve this
problem with your dinner friend because you brought
your present leadership-communication skills into
your relationship with her. She never stood a chance
with you because you have yet to commit yourself to
communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously,
zero significant thoughts withheld. If you were
operating from a high level of integrity, if you
could be trusted to say what's on your mind, you
wouldn't be interacting repeatedly socially with
someone addicted to complaining. You are an enabler.
Conversely, if your husband were in integrity he
would support you in communicating your thoughts to
her instead of dumping them in his space.
Could he be upset with your addiction to complaining
about complainers?
It could be said that you brought her into your life
to mirror for you your addiction to withholding
thoughts and its effects. For us to effect a change,
in the kinds of problems you generate, you will have
to recall the very first time you stuffed a thought.
That incident is called your "first" —the first
incident having to do with withholding. That was
when this pattern set in. Thereafter you were not as
spontaneous as you had been. Had your parents been
conscious they would have immediately noticed that
you were sitting on something, probably pouting.
Among those that communicate openly and honestly any
thought withheld
is
experienced by the other(s); it's a non-verbal aura
thing. It's referred to as an incomplete.
Something is in the space; something is serving as a
barrier to you being here now. It begs completion.
It prompts others to ask, "What up?" "What's going
on?" "A penny for your thoughts."
What you have been unaware of is that your judgments
of her do get communicated to her, non-verbally. It
just so happens that she is equally incomplete, so
unconscious, so out-integrity that she too withholds
her thoughts, specifically, of you; like yourself,
she too most likely badmouths you to her husband on
the way home.
She has unconsciously set you up. At some level she
sees the potential for honesty with you and is
hoping that as the leader you'll find a way to share
your experience of this objectionable behavior of
hers with her, to her face. Like yourself, she's had
no choice, up till now, but to sit self-righteously
on your judgments; she too has had no choice but to
behave as she has. Everyone she knows throughout her
life has either criticized her (which further
anchors an undesirable behavior) or has "politely"
put up with this behavior and so she has become
stuck. She's had to keep repeating it until someone
gets her. Compassionate conversations will allow her
to complete the pattern.
There is a way to tell the truth and have everyone
feel good upon completion, it's called
communication, and, it's not taught in schools,
universities, colleges and academies.
Thanks for the great letter. —Gabby
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Last edited 9/22/21
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