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Hi Exasperated: Great
letter. You've discovered that you are an
enabler. Aren't we all? All couples who
communicate abusively with each other have
one or more friends/relatives who enable the
abuse. That is to say, one either supports
(inspires) harmony or one supports
(condones) friction; both results are a
by-product of ones leadership-communication
skills.
This situation mirrors you for
you, it brings and keeps to the front of your
mind, a childhood
incomplete between
you and your parents. Unbeknownst to you you
have taken sides; you just
communicate your position non-verbally, as
does Gil. This infuriates Angie.
What
we're really looking at here is your
"observation"* of
the fights (stressful situations) between
your parents. Not unlike a news photographer
at a war you cannot but affect the process.
I suspect that as a child you saw what
appeared to be one parent being more
argumentative (or passively aggressive) than
the other but because you love them both you
didn't know how to share your experience of
their manipulations, their abusive
disagreements. I.e. "This doesn't feel good.
I'm going outside." Or, with Angie and Gil,
"It's best I go home now."
What's
also true is that you have an inaccurate
understanding of
responsibility.
For example: If I were
to ask Gil what he does to upset Angie, he
would, after a few hems and haws and blaming
denials, finally tell me. That is to say, he
uses his leadership-communication skills to
goad and upset her, to get back at her for
other incidents (it's never ever what either
say the upset is about). He does it in such
as way as to make her look like a
badmouthing complainer. Both are being
equally (yes equally)
abusive to each other, and to you for
dumping fights in your space. He shuts down
communication with her, and, she sets him up
to shut her down. This prevents her from
communicating through to mutual satisfaction
about certain subjects. They are both stuck
in controlling the other. She thinks she has
no recourse but to reach out—if not to you
it would be to a counselor or even the
police. Notice that she does not ask you,
"Can you help me identify what I do to start
these arguments?" You're missing the verbal,
non-verbal, and psychic emanations from him
that trigger (goad) her anger.
Because of your misunderstanding about
responsibility you don't know enough to say
to her, "Please stop. This doesn't feel
good. In my relationships I start all the
fights. Its simply irresponsible of me to
badmouth and blame another for my upsets.
Would you like me to sit down with the both
of you and mediate this?"
In other
words, they have unconsciously set you up to acknowledge
them verbally about this warped way of
relating, to support them in being whole and
complete. Like yourself, they both have
childhood incidents that need to be
acknowledged and completed. They both need
equal amounts of individual and
couple-counseling or coaching. Both are in
fact unconsciously masterminding a divorce
right under your nose. You enable both of
them to treat each other as they do. What's
worse is you enable Angie in blaming Gil for
the fights she starts with him, worse, you
condone with your silence, her trying to
enroll you in a lie—that she's right and
he's wrong.
Re: "Gil has never asked
me to take sides with him." Not verbally,
however, the fact that you continue to
relate with him leaves him with the
impression that you think it's OK for him to
treat her as he does. The way you relate
with him (a silent conspiracy) empowers him
in abusing her.
This is a great
training for you. It reveals that you are
not ready for a permanent relationship. You
haven't made a commitment to communicate
openly, honestly, and spontaneously, zero
significant withholds, else you would have
brought this matter up with them; instead,
you have your reasons—and so you're
presently programmed to manufacture reasons
to not bring up certain subjects with your
eventual partner. All
breakdowns
in communication begin
with a thought withheld. Until you commit to
living from integrity you will create the
same kinds of drama in your
relationships—for life. One of the benefits
that will come from this, once you bring up
this topic with them, is that you will
create space for your friends to support you
when you're stuck, else they too will stand
by pretending that they are not responsible
(read
Wedding Guest Vow).
Who in your
life would say that you have played Angie's
role with them? Who in your life would say
that you have played Gil's role with them?
Which parent is/was most like Gil and which
is/was most like Angie?
Kudos for
writing, they have a potential awesome
friend.
Do
The
[free] Clearing Process, it
works—it will support you in recalling and
completing your childhood incompletes about
enabling. After you've
completed your clearings you can invite both
to do the process. —With aloha, Gabby
* For more about the
effects of observing, of what happens when
you first meet another, read about entanglement.
To ask a question please go to Dear
Gabby's Message Board (free
- registration required).
Last edited
12/10/21
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