Thoughts serve as barriers to creating pleasure and recreating another's intentions. "thoughts" meaning, the withholds, the normal intra-personal communications, the mind-chatter that automatically takes place while doing our imitation of communication while intending pleasure.
For this tip we expand our understanding of sex to include the word intercourse. Intercourse here meaning, all verbal, non-verbal, physical, and psychic communications (all vibrations, all emanations) taking place between two (inter-personal) throughout each day and all intra-personal communications (inner dialogue, conversations) with one's self.
Premises:
- All dissatisfactions with sex between couples reveals both are verbally withholding an equal number of thoughts from each other (yes both and equal). It's one of those "no exceptions" entanglement phenomena.
All that takes place, all communications between intimate partners, between climaxes, is foreplay.
Withholding a significant thought from a loved one is deceitful, it's abusive; the thought serves as a barrier to the experience of love.
If you are withholding one or more significant thoughts from a significant person, you have caused them to withhold an equal number of significant thoughts from you—again, no exceptions. Partners always mirror each other's integrity.
To create (to generate) a new experience one begins from nothing; else, what takes place are variations of more of the same.3
The ideal between couples is to maintain an empty mind (the individual minds and the combined-collective mind) so as to create space for experiential communication. Throughout each day most of us communicate from our mind. I.e. "That was abusive." "That was stupid." "Nice going klutz." (abusive, judgmental, make-wrongs) vs. "That didn't feel good." (a truthful, what's so, non-judgmental experience).
To keep your mind relatively empty do The [free] Clearing Process for Professionals4 —it's about restoring and maintaining an experience of integrity—being with another(s) without the usual mind chatter of incompletes that float around in everyone's mind, especially while performing sex. After you have completed the clearing process, invite your partner to do it also. Then, the both of you can do the Clearing Process for Couples, also free. When couples clear each other, when communication takes place, what's left is the experience of communication, of love (mindless joyful ecstasy).
Note: Most new wives are driven to physically please their spouse. What this looks like is a woman surrendering to their partner's wants even if tired or "not in the mood." A communication-skills coach does not support this way of relating, but, given that what's so for many relationships I suggest the following for the reluctant partner. Rather than trying/pretending to be enjoying "it," focus solely on breathing, connecting the inhalation to the exhalation so that there are no pauses. The energy that exudes from you as you're breathing further excites and facilitates his objective (climax).
1 Meditators know that synchronized breathing with a partner blows the mind. When you focus solely on breathing while being pleasured via oral sex; it preoccupies the thinking, comparing, judgmental mind. As one breathes a thought pops up; one notices (acknowledges) the thought and returns to breathing—soon the sensations will be overpoweringly experiential. One clue that your partner is preoccupied with thinking is you find yourself efforting and your partner is holding their breath; when this happens, lovingly remind them, "Breath."
2 You can't be thinking and experiencing in the same instant. This contradicts the belief that one can multi-task. What's so is we cycle rapidly from thinking to doing. I.e. Once I start peeing I can brush my teeth however, gravity keeps it flowing. While driving I can listen to the news however, accurate comprehension requires focusing. A brain surgeon may like music in the operating theater, but they are not listening as they are cutting.
3 "create from nothing" For example, with your moist genitals slightly touching each other, with no movement, providing your mind is empty, you'll soon begin to experience each other's (throbbing) pulse. Focus solely on breathing; you will experience sensations from not moving, from doing nothing.
4 The word "professional" refers to anyone willing to accept responsibility for the results they produce (using their leadership-communication skills) for themselves and for those around them. I.e. Partners who support each other's health and successes.
Last edited 11/30/22