Following are some considerations—a bunch of thoughts—to support you in making a decision; if you read this tip you may have an aha, a realization or an experience, that will, at least temporarily, allow you to think clearly. Conversations with your ex about these considerations will be of immense value during your mulling process.
To ensure successful communications about the possibility of getting back together both partners must, individually, do The Clearing Process—this communication-skills process is about acknowledging and completing life’s incompletes; it's about restoring and maintaining ones integrity, it's about being willing to communicate responsibly, from cause. Then, together, you can do the The Clearing Process for Couples. Both processes are free, no hidden costs. I promise, if you both follow these instructions you may or may not remarry, however, you will experience the experience of love and true intercourse. —Kerry
- "... according to Psychology Today "... a whopping 60% of remarriages fail."
We begin with the fact that there is no hope of it working if you have not verbally acknowledged to your ex what you did to destroy the relationship the first time around. You must be absolutely clear what you did to mastermind the previous outcome (possibly including manipulating your partner to cheat on you or to initiate the divorce). In other words, you both must be willing and able to verbally communicate responsibly your previous creation, step-by-step, argument-by-argument, without blame. What this does is it makes each partner aware of what to look for, the signs that portend a future potential fork in the road; most importantly, both partners will be able to ask, “What should I do when you are non-verbally dramatizing a withhold or an upset?” "What should I do when something you say or do doesn't feel good?"
About forgiveness: If you think that forgiving your ex, or extracting a forgiveness from him/her, is essential for a new relationship then you have a misunderstanding about responsibility and cause. It doesn't work to magnanimously forgive someone for something you (unconsciously) manipulated them into doing—something you set them up to do using your highly sophisticated leadership-communication skills—things such as cheating, lying, etc. Keep in mind, it was your integrity that caused/rewarded the deceit. A person addicted to deceit always attracts a fellow deceiver; there are no exceptions to this phenomenon.
Grandparents often acknowledge that they had no idea how to raise a child; some honestly believe that given another chance they would now do a much better job. This is only a belief. If you’re not satisfied with how you did it the first time what makes you think that understanding more about child-rearing will produce better results? Understanding and knowing more about communication is virtually worthless.** This is partly because the neural pathway developed in the brain for the very first abusive communication has become a superhighway the mind now automatically uses to get itself out of (to survive) an upset or an uncomfortable situation. It is possible to develop an alternate pathway via a conscious choice.
For example: You are probably programmed to get upset when someone does something "stupid." Incidents that used to trigger upset will most likely still trigger an upset. Your task is not about trying to stop yourself from becoming upset; rather, it’s about choosing to communicate an upset responsibly. Most importantly, it's about verbally acknowledging each and every instance of abuse as soon as possible. In other words, it’s possible to disappear an automatic reaction, this is done through communication; specifically, to recall an earlier and similar incident (ideally the very first childhood incident) and to tell the truth about your cause (without blaming) for that earlier less-than-satisfying outcome. Eventually you will disappear the reaction. I.e. Another's lie won’t upset you.
Keep in mind that your ex probably still has the same sense of humor, or is still lacking humor (nary a joke or prank the first time around). Their hygiene, breath, and eating habits are pretty much the same as are his/her manners. At first you may notice that generosity and considerateness has improved; depending upon your acknowledging-skills these behaviors will or won’t continue. Remember, your leadership-communication skills anchored in (rewarded) these very same absent behaviors the first time around. For example: If you don't verbally acknowledge a bad behavior then you became cause for all subsequent "bad" behaviors.
Let’s revisit when you first met your ex: With forty-four+ years of 3-hr coaching consultations it's been my experience that all divorced couples withheld one or more significant thoughts on their first date.*** What thought(s) did you hide from your date? Were you being open and honest with your parents? Were you keeping your parents updated as to the stages of intimacy as they developed or did you deceive them and have sex behind their backs (knowing full well they would be disappointed, upset, and hurt, knowing that it was in fact, abusive to them). Equally important, did you con your ex in deceiving both sets of parents so as to have sex? Such deceits reveal non-verbalized disrespects of ones parents. Each specific disrespect must now be verbally delivered; this because until you learn how to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously with your parents, you won’t be able to do so with any partner; you are still programmed to withhold and deceive because you have been run by fear.
Here are a few typical thoughts couples withhold from each other when they first meet:
—herpes/STD (deceitfully withheld until one hooks them).
—you deceitfully did not have conversations about your family's possible DNA factors (heart, cancer, history of mental problems, family incarcerations).
—abuse in a prior relationship (must be communicated from how you caused (intended) the abuse). Read and discuss the rumored No Fault Abuse Law. If your ex ends up not liking one of your former partners, never having met them, then you will have revealed that you are addicted to badmouthing for which there are undesirable consequences.
—chronic abuse between family members (to submit a loved one to your dysfunctional family's addiction to abuse is not a gift of love, see estrangement).
—high school cheating (perhaps you have yet to acknowledge to anyone (ideally your teacher(s)) that you cheated or that you silently supported another in cheating).
—strongly held beliefs about spanking (perhaps you were raised to believe that yelling, hitting, spanking is not abusive, therefore, if necessary, you will eventually spank your own child).
—strongly held beliefs about who’s the boss in a marriage. There are three basic relationship models: 1. Authoritarian, Me Tarzan—you Jane. 2. Power-Source, in which the Source agrees to serve Power and Power acknowledges (to everyone) the source of his/her power: essential for a harmonious divorce. 3. Democratic, all decisions are voted on. With this model both partners have toys of equal value, as opposed to the man having a boat, golf clubs, a motorcycle and beer money; this martyr-ism "sacrificing" by the woman, eventually produces resentments and unfair (contested) divorce settlements.
—he/she is great but if truth be told—not your #10. This must be communicated verbally, as opposed to non-verbally for the duration of the relationship; else, your partner will sense that you are still hoping to find your #10. You can experience love with a #9 if you tell him/her that they are not your #10. People are looking for someone who will tell the truth.
—for those who have had sex with others, often the oral sex with a new partner is different or not as good as you’ve had with another (an excellent reason for virginity). For many, "My high school sweetheart had mastered oral sex." or "He/she would do ..." or, "I definitely don't like ..." are huge withholds that must be verbally communicated.
—often men hide their fantasy of anal sex or a three-some thinking they can con their partner later; conversely, women hook a man by non-verbally communicating a remote possibility of such adventures, instead of declaring, upfront, "'NO WAY! EVER!"
—you hid from your date that you were still "seeing" others, other dates you were seeing/holding on to just in case . . . If you had run into one of those "others" while on your new date it could have cause someone an upset. This begs the upfront question, "Just to be clear, is there anyone who would be upset if we dated?" This is extremely important if they are in the "process of getting a divorce." I.e. "Do you have your partner's support to be dating?" Else, they could be breaking their marriage vow unilaterally; it would not feel good (abuse) to his/her partner.
—often a parent will withhold thoughts knowing their son/daughter is not ready for a relationship (thereby unconsciously hexing the relationship so as to be right).
—perhaps your parents withheld from your fiancé that they knew you were lazy, too selfish, too angry, too argumentative. In other words, they silently dumped their child on someone else; they know that it was not a gift of love to their child’s future in-laws.
—it would be both unethical and irresponsible (not a gift of love) to drag someone into your family—if you know your family is dysfunctional—addicted to abuse, drugs, etc.—without first having estranged yourself from your family, and to have your partner's agreement that he/she is willing to support the estrangement agreement (especially when it comes to shielding your children from such in-law abuse).
Love: Love is a function of, a by-product of, communication. When communication takes place it always results in the experience of love. When a couple lapses into doing their imitation of communication (referred to as talking) they lose their ability to recreate the experience of love within a single sit-down conversation.
Most people don’t know that the love that “happened" when they first met was just that, a happening triggered by euphoria-generating chemicals manufactured within the body.
* Keep in mind that you are not looking at “recreating” the old relationship; else, the leadership-communication skills you used to destroy that relationship will produce more of the same.
** Notice that all education majors (teachers) have been introduced to the fundamentals and principles of communication; they know a lot about and understand the communication process, yet few have the leadership-communication skills to cause students to consistently turn in their homework neatly and on time. Nationwide approximately 25% of all university freshman students require remedial composition/comprehension courses so as to learn what their K-12 "teachers" failed to communicate.
*** Breakdowns in communication for most couples began during dating, and while engaged. All divorces begin with the first thought consciously withheld. The first time you chose to withhold a thought from your partner, you automatically cause (create space for) him/her to withhold their thought of choice from you. I have not found any exceptions to this phenomena. In other words, all deceit was created by you. It’s not possible to create and sustain an intimate relationship with a partner who communicates openly, honestly, and spontaneously except that you also must adopt that leadership communication model.
**** For many, what they thought of as love were merely peak emotional experiences—the kind a complete person experiences with everyone. We know this to be true because later in the relationship few were able to recreate an experience of love through a sit-down conversation. Both partners began to withhold thoughts from each other on the very first date. Minor upsets were forgiven or tolerated in the name of harmony. Both partners began to accumulate these incompletes (communications/interactions that were not resolved through to mutual satisfaction). In short, the space between couples becomes filled with crap so that there is no space for the experience of communication, of love.
**** Teens from loving families, teens who are whole and complete, are used to the experiences of love; the body's chemically induced euphoria of love is not as overpowering when they first begin dating. They have learned how to generate the experience of love through conversations. Teens from families that do not communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, are desperately searching for the experience of love they know is possible; they have not discovered that love is generated through true intercourse—that their experience of love has been generated from chemicals the body manufactures; therefore, when they start to create breakdowns in communication they do not know how to recreate the experience of love through sit-down conversations.
P.S. Having said all the above—You both will have to complete your former relationship. One can't complete something they did not create. If for example when you first met her you walked across the gym floor to ask her to dance, then she did not have the experience of choosing you (she only got to choose from those who asked). It's even possible that she never acknowledged you specifically for the courage it took for you to risk rejection. She never had the direct emotion experience (with all its variables, fear, embarrassment, heart-pounding) of selecting you from all others, rather she accepted your invitation and you as the initiator, the starter. Few men have the confidence to wait to be asked by a woman who admires you enough to introduce herself.
Additional Readings:
Must reads for engaged couples
Last edited 4/4/21