This tip is about declaring up-front the kinds of behaviors/activities that are totally unacceptable—behaviors that will automatically trigger the divorce/annulment clause of your unique marriage vow—with absolutely no second chance. [Note: A couple may agree to coaching/counselling after the divorce with new agreements.] This tip is about creating an agreement, a vow, that defines ones boundaries about cheating, abuse, and specific illegal/unethical activities.1
1. Cheating (deceiving another) is abusive.
2. It's abusive to use your leadership-communication skills to set up another to deceive you.
3. All infidelities are premeditated abuse (abuse of oneself and of another).
4. What's missing in all instances of infidelity is respect (there are no exceptions).
5. To forgive someone you manipulated into deceiving you causes even more disrespect.2
6. Cheating on a partner dooms them to a life with little or no joy or ecstasy.
7. With spousal infidelity or abuse there are no victims or perpetrators—only unconscious cons conning each other.
8. The partner who doesn't insist that the other acknowledge the first abusive communication becomes cause for all successive abuses. i.e. A: That didn't feel good." B: I get that that was abusive."
This tip is about consciously including a fidelity agreement in your marriage vow. I say consciously because a marriage vow that does not contain a verbal/written fidelity agreement does in fact contain an implied3 non-verbal agreement; such a vow non-verbally implies that cheating will possibly be allowed/forgiven. We know this to be true based upon the results typical marriage vows produce (approx 41% of divorced couples acknowledge infidelities).
A fidelity agreement is a wedding gift to you from millions and millions of divorced couples who, when they were exchanging marriage vows, never dreamed (self-righteously could not conceive) that cheating would take place during their unique marriage. Such arrogance begs to be humbled (read Sandra, Elen, Jenny: cheating and responsibility).
A fidelity agreement acknowledges that implied agreements have an effect. Put another way, if you don't verbally co-create a Fidelity Agreement you both are unconsciously implying that cheating might be supported/forgiven. After reading this tip infidelity would not be an unconscious act, it would in fact be premeditated abuse.
This fidelity agreement is so clear that your wedding guests, both sets of parents, and any/all witnesses to the ceremony, will not support either of you in blaming the other or suing the other for alimony, possessions, or child custody in the event you cheat on your spouse or, if you manipulate or cause/intend your spouse to cheat on you. It supports open, honest, and spontaneous communication, and personal responsibility. It precludes either spouse from later blaming the other, saying. "I didn't know." "I had no idea . . ." "I thought we were happy." or, "I didn't know you had reserved the option to declare bankruptcy, to screw over other merchants via broken agreements."
When a couple are in-communication with each other it's virtually impossible for one to withhold even the thought of committing a perpetration. Cheating/illegal activities take place when both partners become stuck doing their imitation of communication. There is no such thing as an innocent spouse—be they the spouse of a realtor, a banker, or a Mafia Don—all unethical activities are enabled by an equally powerful partner, a con, one who has successfully developed a powerful innocent naive "take care of poor ignorant me" act (you can trust me to not insist that 'we' do business totally legally). In a truly expanding loving relationship neither partner dares insult/offend the other with any questionable activity, such is their respect for each other, both sets of families, and all others.
A fidelity agreement further acknowledges that most of us cannot hear our own lies therefore we often cannot tell when another is lying to us. Forty-one percent of marriages end up in divorce; of the 41% few were conscious enough to know they, or their partner, were lying when they swore to each other, before God, ". . . till death do us part." Most honestly believed they were telling the truth; few were aware that that specific unconscious lie supported (caused) the outcome. A lie believed does not make it the truth.
To preclude cheating and specific illegal/unethical1 activities in your relationship:
Step #1 Print out this tip and hand copies to your best friend, your intended, and your parents. Or, email each a copy, or hand each a slip of paper with the URL <http://www.comcom121.org/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=123> on it.
You: "Here, read this Gabby Tip. Let me know what you think. It’s supposed to expand our communication skills.”
Friend: "What's it about?"
You: "Gabby says it's a mini-communication skills tutorial—and that it will improve our ability to communicate with each other. The instructions are that I'm not supposed to tell you what it's about and that we should only discuss it after you've read it."
This lets your friend know it’s important to you that they read it, so much so that they know you will follow up to see that they did read it. To optimize the process refrain from letting them know your opinion about it before they read it. This will create space for them to formulate their own opinion without your influence.
Step #2 Ask your friend what their thoughts are about this tip. Asking this follow-up question is a mini-communication skills tutorial. It validates your ability to manifest your stated intention (to produce a specific result, causing another to read the tip) and your ability to consciously create a possibly uncomfortable conversation. It also lets you know exactly where you are about allowing for cheating in your marriage. To read this tip and pooh-pooh it suggests that you have a barrier to allowing others to support you. Predictably, you will attract a partner who will eventually pooh-pooh you.
The communication-skills it takes to cause another to read this tip, and for them to have a conversation with you about it, are the exact same leadership-communication skills it takes to inspire fidelity in a marriage. The premise: How you handle this mini-tutorial determines who you will attract as a partner.
To preclude cheating a marriage vow should include the following Fidelity Agreement (your words of course):
- "If either of us cheat on the other the marriage is automatically annulled. All claims to our home, finances, possessions, and child custody are at the discretion of the other."
A Fidelity Agreement works because all wedding guests, by virtue of attendance (as witnesses), will have agreed to support the vows.
Note 1: For a Fidelity Agreement to work all friends and wedding guests must communicate the Wedding Guest Vow to the engaged couple: Again, your words:
"You are agreeing with me that you will call me or another guest the first time an upset or an experience of abuse is not resolved through to mutual satisfaction within 72 hours. Do we have an agreement?"
This means, if a guest cannot facilitate completion of an incident that he/she will call another wedding guest and together they will intervene. This agreement precludes partners from accumulating upsets and blaming the other for the results their leadership-communication skills are producing. It acknowledges that both partners know that they alone cause (start) all arguments). This wedding guest support system prevents one partner from withholding sex so as to cause the other to seek it elsewhere—such a withhold is abusive and must be resolved within 72 hrs. For example: If either partner doesn't feel like having sex then they should, instead, schedule a The Clearing Process for Couples (the process creates space for withholds to be verbally communicated, any considerations about sex will be revealed).
Note 2: A divorce completes the existing relationship. Once the divorce is legally finalized a couple may agree to remarry with new agreements. For the new relationship to work both partner must first complete a minimum of 25 hours of individual counseling, coaching, therapy, or a support group. If you don't follow this advice you will bring the same leadership-communication skills into the next relationship, the very way of relating that does not inspire open and honest communication and respect for agreements.
Four reasons why it’s important for you to share this post with your closest friend, and your intended, and your parents:
1) If the person you are dating has read this then it’s assumed that you both have allowed these thoughts to enter your minds. It will create space for you to have these kinds of conversations prior to getting engaged. Most importantly, your partner will know that you will never ever say that you didn't know they were cheating on you, and vice versa. Soon it will become the norm for daters to ask, “Where are you about fidelity agreements?”
- Your responsibility for creating a context of open, honest, and spontaneous communication in your relationship (no witholds between you) begins with your willingness to do The Clearing Process after which you can then invite your partner to do it; and then the both of you can do The Clearing Process for Couples. The processes will create a baseline for you both to know, with certainty, when there is a withhold in the space between you.
Examples of implied agreements and communications:
- Bill: But Hillary, I didn't know I had an agreement to not con someone into giving me oral sex. I thought because you never mentioned it that it was OK as long as you didn't find out about it. I thought you agreed with me that it really wasn't sex. I intuited that I could con you into giving me another chance. Or, Where I blew it was I didn't let the public know that we had an implied agreement, that it was OK for me to see other women.
Hillary: Bill, I knew long before your presidency that you couldn't be trusted. I see now that I was counting on you to cheat, that's partly why I didn't make it clear to you that cheating was the same as you insisting upon an immediate divorce (even in the middle of your presidency). I see now that I was unconsciously covertly damaging your reputation forever in history. Notice how I've turned others against you causing many to think of me as the poor victim? Little do they know that using my leadership-communication skills I set you up—that I masterminded the whole enchilada. Or, Where I blew it was I didn't tell the public during your campaign for presidency that I allowed you to see other women.
3) If you or your partner fail4 to bring up the topic of a fidelity agreement and the consequences of cheating then you'll both know that the other reserves the option of cheating.
4) Soon divorce attorneys will know enough to ask, “Did you include a Fidelity Agreement in your vows?" Clergy and civil magistrates will ask a couple where they are about a Fidelity Agreement, else, they become co-conspirators to the possibility of cheating.
Telling someone about this tip and having no intention for them to read it most assuredly guarantees that they will not read it. How you handle this is a predictor. As with all conversations in life, this too will have an effect on your relationships.
Your task when sharing this tip is not to change another's mind but to be the space for the truth to be told. In so doing you will discover your position, not your belief, but your fundamental operating principle, the one that determines whether or not cheating will be an issue in your relationships. Once you tell the truth you will begin to have choice.
It is both arrogant and irresponsible to assume that you will not create cheating. All divorced individuals, with the support of a communication skills coach, are able to recall (the mind hides the interaction from itself) the exact incident, (time, place, & subject) from which they formulated the unconscious intention to divorce; they acknowledge that they set up their partner to lie or cheat, or to initiate the divorce. Enlightenment allows one to see that they knew all along they were masterminding a divorce.
To preclude cheating it's recommended that you have a written prenuptial agreement. Ensure the prenup includes pre-signed copies of divorce papers giving each the option to divorce the other for any reason without contest or costly litigation. (Read Who gets what?). This agreement means that you have handled the consequences of cheating up front. You are instructing your partner,
"If I cheat on you do not under any circumstances give me a second chance—no matter my reason(s), or excuse, or how sincere my apology, no matter what words I use. If I cheat you will have proof that I not only don't know when I'm lying, I simply do not respect you enough to honor my word with you. To give me another chance would compound my disrespect of you; it would reveal that I knew you could be manipulated into giving me a second chance. If I cheat on you it will be a clear unmistakable communication that I no longer wish to be married to you. Do not let me dump considerations about where to live, or finances, or the children, or lay guilt trips on you about the inconvenience of a divorce. I knew this before I cheated. I am absolutely clear now that cheating would be abusive to you. To cheat would be to consciously, with premeditation, choose to hurt you."
With aloha, Gabby
1 Illegal/unethical activities: Such as with taxes, home and car insurance fraud, or food and rent subsidies. Making personal survival more important than supporting the financial well-being of others. i.e. Not paying bills on time thereby causing others frustration and inconvenience, or even bankruptcy (causing others to lose financially, most always (such as with Donald Trump) never paying them back for their losses). Unethical: During a 3-hr communication coaching consultation eighty percent of all divorced persons acknowledged that they lied on their job application form. I.e. inaccurate or illegible information or purposefully left spaces blank.
2 All "victims" of cheating can, during a communication consultation, recall all they did and did not do to intend the cheating. With infidelity, as with spousal abuse, there are no victims or perpetrators, only unconscious cons, each manipulating the other.
3 Example of an implied agreement: Most couples have an implied agreement to return home each night. If one breaks that agreement all hell breaks loose. The prevailing implied non-verbal agreement, the one that's unconsciously included in most of today's wedding vows, is, . . . if I cheat on you I expect you to accept my apology and forgive me and remain married to me. And, if you cheat on me I will badmouth you to others and blame you rather than acknowledge that my leadership-communication skills intended the result. We know this is the agreement because of the results.
4 If you are afraid to bring this subject up with your intended then you will most certainly cause the relationship to fail. If there is fear in the relationship there can be no open, honest, and spontaneous communication. It is unethical to present yourself as an honest person and withhold thoughts (especially this tip) from your partner; to do so grants him/her permission to withhold his/her thoughts of choice from you. Such behavior is in fact abusive. Abuse always produces undesirable results.
You may copy/quote this tip (no fee) providing you acknowledge Dear Gabby or Kerry@comcom121.org (Community Communications).
Update: 11/10/16. The Clintons lost the election; I believe that, like ourselves, their integrity would not allow them to win big without both of them publicly acknowledging responsibility for their machinations. As it stands, Hillary has left us with the blaming narrative, that he cheated on her, rather than, "I did not inspire nor insist upon fidelity." FYI: I sent Hillary this post. She did not reply; most likely it was not forwarded to her. What's worse; the campaign supporter, who read this post, did not insist that she clean up the mess so as to win. Possibly the "supporter" arrogantly dismissed the post as a factor, him/herself unaware of the correlation between personal integrity and outcomes.
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Last edited 2/12/17