Whenever I like a guy, I make it clear with friendly "interested" actions. (But believe me, I'm not too forward.)

At first guys seem to like me, too. But then they quickly become uninterested and end up never asking me out—or ever talking to me again. This has happened so many times. Please help. What am I doing wrong? —DATELESS ON SATURDAY NIGHTS IN CALIFORNIA

Abby's Reply:

DEAR DATELESS: Your friendliness could be misinterpreted as needy and desperate. This is a huge turn-off for members of both sexes. Tone it down a bit and see if you get better results.

PS: You might more closely observe what your friends do. —ABBY

Gabby's Reply:

Hi Dateless: Great question. Thanks for reaching out. In truth, you're not doing anything wrong. As with learning to ride a bike you're supposed to be "failing" right up until succeeding. En route to a successful social life you're supposed to have thousands of conversations with parents, friends, and authors—through their written materials. You simply need a few hundred more interactions such as this one.

In other words, you're still unconscious; you're still doing your homework about, and in preparation for, dating, as is supposed to happen. Not to worry about your age, the vast majority of girls date way before they are ready—in so doing they train immature boys to be abusive users.

One clue to the fact that you aren't ready is your need to mention your "good family." It could be said that your "good" parents have produced a clueless unconscious daughter. A daughter from a family who communicates openly, honestly, and spontaneously simply doesn't have the problem you have. Some might say that the "apron strings" have been too tight.

You don't mention what either parent or any relative, or your "wonderful friends," say is the problem; I suspect you haven't asked any of them. Quite often it's a subject not discussed with "good" parents because there's fear, or uncomfortableness, or embarrassment, in the relationship. The barrier you have to talking about this problem with your parents is the same one that keeps you from asking your dates/ex-dates the same question (with an intention to get the truth).* The barrier having to do with fear has been anchored-in from a specific childhood interaction, most likely with your parents. Barriers are created through incomplete, less-than-satisfying, interactions with parents.

Another clue is your use of the words, "friendly interested actions." This conjures thoughts of coyness and manipulation verging on deceitfulness. A young woman from an actualized family has completed her experience of coy (deception). She has discovered, through countless satisfying conversations with her parents, that up-front truthfulness and candor works. She has discovered that deception attracts/creates deception.

For example: I suspect you don't verbalize to your dates how attractive you find them, and so they hide certain thoughts of choice from you, thoughts such as, "Boy, she sure is self-righteous." "What a ball-busting sexist/feminist." "Too smart, or too pure, or too Christian for me." etc. We simple don't know what thoughts they are hiding, only that they aren't being open and honest with you. They are in fact mirroring you. Notice my use of the word "verbalize" —you have been communicating something non-verbally and, it gets gotten. I'm guessing your parents would not have wanted any of your dates as a son-in-law.

My sense is that you (non-verbally) set up the boys you have dated; you've conned them into asking you out, rather than you experiencing the experience of asking. Also, it could be that you come across as holier than thou, "God bless you." "Amen to that." etc. —so as to covertly find out if they are religious. I.e. To boy inviting you out: "I find I do well with someone who also attends services regularly." which generates a reply that will let you know it's OK for you to be with him."

Re: ". . . so many times . . . " Have you insisted on paying your way each time? If you conned any of them into paying (and conned them into not asking you out again) then the balance sheet suggests that you are a user. FWIW: The teen years dating balance sheet is thought to affect financially fair divorces.

To cover all possibilities, visit your doctor to make sure you don't have chronic halitosis. If you're dating hometown boys you should always introduce them to your family before going on a date, definitely before you hook him with your first kiss. Your parents know you; they have more dating experiences, that, and they have to relate with your eventual choice for life. (read An inconsiderate gift to give a prospective partner.)

I say "self-righteous" because you added, "But believe me, I'm not too forward." This suggests that you have judgments about women who are spontaneous and forthright, those who go after what they want with zeal and frankness, those who capitalize on their femininity—those you judge to be "too forward, too loose." I suspect you have dozens of such judgments that you suppress, rather than verbalize, because you're afraid of what people might think. Lonely, smart, polite, "good" people can't be trusted to say what's on their mind and so they attract deceptive partners who are equally shut down.

An actualized young woman, from a healthy loving supportive family, has what most other women don't have. She is space, and love, with spontaneous openness and candor, with up-frontness, and humor. She communicates judgments in a way that feel good to others. She is whole and complete and happy; she is not waiting for a relationship to be fulfilled. Such a woman chooses from everyone (not just those that come up to her) and, she communicates in a way that works— "I've had the thought that I'd enjoy spending some time with you. How say you?" She knows who she is and therefore can read the aura of those who don't communicate openly and honestly, those who are addicted to withholding, to stuffing their thoughts. Of course she would not go out on a date with an emotionally bound-up person because such a person can't be trusted to share their experience or their thoughts spontaneously. She would communicate her thoughts about his nose-picking by handing him a tissue. She also might say, "I almost didn't ask you out because I thought you were self-righteous." etc., all within the first few conversations. An extremely important question before a date is, "How's your relationship with your parents?" His answer will let you know what to expect in your relationship with him. If he doesn't have to introduce his dates to his parents it's a red flag; most certainly he will support you in conning both sets of parents so as to have sex behind their backs.

Notice that your dates have been addicted to abusing and to being abused. We know this is true because none have verbally acknowledged the effects of their unconscious abuse of you to you, leaving you incomplete and wondering. That's who you attract; they mirror you. Most, if asked, would acknowledge that they dated you hoping for easy sex. Girls with "good" unaffectionate parents simply look lonely, like they are helpless, that they can be conned. 

Re: "wonderful friendships" yet none have told you what it is about you that turns them/others off? To be 18 and so clueless smacks of superficiality. Quite possibly you have been hanging out with just your fellow high school Stamp Club members. Within most social groups the agreement is, the norm is, to be superficially polite (read, deceptive, by withholding certain thoughts essential to ones growth).

You would get tremendous value if you joined a co-ed organization at college; the Drama Club worked for me. You will create at least one person (ideally female) with whom you can have the important growth-stimulating, self-realization, conversations. Also, join a non-religious Co-dependent Support Group or get some counseling having to do with completing your relationship with your parents (such counseling is free in college and doesn't require that your parents know about or attend the sessions); you are living a huge lie regarding them. That's not to say they are bad or worse than most others; on the contrary, they have done a comparatively good job. It's just that you have yet to have an experience of being in communication with anyone. 

* You have yet to learn how to create space for others to tell you the truth. Ask for support in discovering what the fear is about; call a guy you recently dated and ask, "Do you have a minute? . . . I'm conducting a self-improvement survey. I'd like you to reward me, for the courage it takes to be calling you, by telling me the truth. Tell me three things you like about me and three reasons why you no longer wish to date me (or, why you might advise another to not date me). —no crap now. Don't be polite. I need the truth." Yes, you must use the word "crap" because it will most likely be so-not-you as to wake up the person to another, not-so-self-righteous, you. This exercise will effect a breakthrough for you. Depending upon how safe a space you are for the truth to be told the experience will be invaluable.

I say that you have never experienced being in-communication with anyone because you have spent time with several boys and couldn't experience that they were not being with you. They were not being open and honest with you, they were shut down and emotionally bound-up. A conscious person can tell in a nano-second when there's something in the space that needs to be acknowledged. "You don't look happy" "You look preoccupied." "What's going on? I'm sensing something." "Is my breath OK?" or, if theirs isn't, "Let's stop and get some breath mints." A person of integrity addresses the breakdown, the uncomfortableness. A person who is out-integrity either can't see it or they compromise their integrity for reasons. "I'm uncomfortable" is an excellent ice-breaker.

My sense is that you have not consciously used the "promise of sex" to attract or keep boys around and for that I applaud you. For you, sex would only compound the problem and postpone the inevitable—you completing your relationship with your parents. Worse, because you would attract a man who would support you in deceiving your parents just to have sex with you; and of course you'd have to hide (withhold) it from your parents thereby causing even more undesirable negative karma. Quite often dates hide their uncomfortable truths and withheld thoughts by pulling someone closer into a hug rather than staying at arm's length and being with them through their eyes, and in so doing reveal that which needs to be verbalized.

You don't mention whether or not you have introduced your dates to your parents. Perhaps you don't think it's your responsibility to bring someone onto the clan that will get along well with your family. Your parents must approve of your final choice, else, you'll have difficulties creating and sustaining joyous intercourse (unless you have responsibly estranged yourself from all family members). Parents who disapprove of a child's choice in dates  unconsciously psychically hex a relationship so as to be right. Read: Wedding Guest Vow.

Lest you surmise otherwise from my reply, you are right on track, perhaps more-so than most girls your age. Each girl (person) your age requires thousands of conversations so as to be whole and complete including this one. That which is BS in my reply will drop away; that which is true will work for you. You are perfect and your future is awesomely exciting.

Many will see themselves in your letter. —Thank you, Gabby

P.S. If I were either of your parents I would be both proud of you, and disappointed; disappointed to know that I had not been a safe space for you share your concerns. They would benefit themselves, and you, if they attended, separately, some counseling sessions while you're away. Each needs to recall the specific conversations (incidents) that caused you to shut down with them about certain subjects. Each have over a dozen such incidents which, when guided by a communicologist, a communication-skills coach, they will be able to recall. Both are withholding specific significant thoughts from their parents. Their job is just beginning, there's a whole new grandparenting-leadership-communication skills curriculum ahead for them. There are thousands of similar questions/concerns ahead (thoughts that linger and occupy space and get in the way of being, and of the experience of communication, when not communicated verbally). If you can share your withholds with your parents it will be of immense value for your life, marriage, and parenthood. For example: "Mom, my husband's crotch smells bad even after a shower what can I do?" The answer: "It works to tell the truth." Both your Mom and your Dad will have different and extremely valuable replies to just such a question. If you can't/won't ask them you are doomed to a life of putting-up-with. Conversations you're too embarrassed/afraid to have with your parents are predictors of the degree to which you will be open and honest and spontaneous with your spouse. Thoughts you withhold in a personal relationship cause (yes cause) the other to withhold an equal (yes equal) number of thoughts from you. There are no exceptions to this entanglement phenomenon.

Your parents are withholding dozens of thoughts from each other and from you. Children try to be as good as they believe their parents were when they were growing up. Most parents have not shared all of their perpetrations, (thefts, lies, abuses, deceits, drugs) with their own child—including their first sex and whether they hid it from their parents.  

Tip: A dinner table conversation you will remember for life: "Mom-Dad, tell me all the bad things you guys did when growing up, all the stuff you hid from your parents." "Did you guys have sex before you got married?" "Were you each other's first sex?" "Do you presently withhold significant thoughts from each other?" Then, "What thoughts do you have about boys not wanting to date me again?" You won't be the same person after those conversations.

    To optimize the value of this reply, show it to your parents and, do The [free] Clearing Process —it will support you in completing unacknowledged incompletes. You'll be amazed at how many incompletes you've been dragging around into each new interaction; unacknowledged withholds affect clarity and all outcomes.

Use this Comment form for comments/feedback.

Comments

Add Image

Not using Html Comment Box  yet?

To ask a question please go to Dear Gabby's Message Board (free - registration required).

Last edited 12/16/21

[ top ]