#130 Schizo-affective diagnosed woman requests relationship advice
DEAR ABBY: I was diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder five years ago. I take my medicine and have been doing fine. The only thing missing in my life is love.
I finally met a man, and we have been slowly getting to know each other over the past three months. He talked about wanting to become a couple, and so I decided I needed to tell him about my illness. He said he wants to keep seeing me, but we need to talk more before we decide on anything long-term.
All of a sudden, I feel depressed. It`s not fair that this illness “chose" me. I have never done anything that could have caused this. Do you think I'm still capable of finding long-term love? Why do I feel more depressed now than I ever have before? - ACHING IN ILLINOIS
DEAR ACHING: You are probably feeling more depressed than you ever have before because you have a lot of emotion riding on this relationship, which may be threatened because of the stigma and misunderstanding by many people on the subject of mental illness.
I do think you are capable of finding a long-term partner, and I respect you for telling him the truth.
What he said was not a rejection. You've known each other for a relatively short time. He wants to get to know you better, and you should allow him the time to do that. This is how all meaningful relationships develop.
P.S. If you continue to cycle into depression, please alert your psychiatrist.
Dear Aching: Such a great letter, so valuable for so many. A couple things come to mind—
I’m assuming that you have had three or more evaluations. Quite often the mind, to be right, will unconsciously select a mental health professional whom it can con; often it (the mind) has no intention to disappear the problem even though it sincerely believes it wants to heal. Some "disorders" serve as lifetime-reasons (excuses) for the problems it (the mind) generates.
About your medication: Seldom do health care practitioners do an in-processing integrity check before accepting you as a patient. i.e. Doctor: "Who would say that you have been abusive to them and have you completed that breakdown in communication, that incident, to everyone's satisfaction?" I mention this because we can't be certain that your "disorder" isn't a consequence of an unacknowledged perpetration (read about Communications in Support of Health).
It appears you hold the belief that your previous diagnosis (presently firmly labeled) is irreversible, in which case your mind will do whatever it takes to support you in being right.
It’s obvious you have yet to discover that your integrity affects all outcomes, that there are undesirable consequences for deceits. If you were committed to telling the truth, to being open and honest, zero deceits/withholds, you would have revealed your condition on the first date so as to not deceive him, so as to not hook him with your wiles, while he still had a choice. I’m not sure he can make a clear choice now that you’ve conned him into wanting more. I say this because of your resistance to communicating responsibly, from cause; you wrote, “He talked about wanting to become a couple.” This sentence is covert blame. Communicated responsibly it would read: “I seduced [I manipulated, I intended (conscious or not)] him into proposing that we be a couple. Just because you produced a result unconsciously doesn’t mean you didn’t produce it.
Notice that you are addicted to being a victim, that your behaviors "chose" you, as opposed to, "I have yet to discover my cause in this matter."
There is another school of thought, that such issues are in fact unconsciously intended, that they are indicative of a lie somewhere, that your integrity is prompting you to tell the truth as to your cause in the matter, so that you have choices.
Re: "I have never done anything that could have caused this." That you’re aware of. A truthful statement would be, “I'm unaware of what I have done to cause this.” This would be referred to as a responsible (willing to be cause) statement; it's important because even unconscious lies have undesirable consequences.
I used the word behaviors (rather than refer to your problem as a condition) so as to suggest that it’s not permanent, that you do have choices.
It's possible that you are experiencing upset as you read this; your mind has a lot invested in being right, so much so that it will die and take you with it, rather than allow itself to be blown.
I'm not suggesting that you stop taking your medications, merely that you be willing to examine the possibility that there's more going on here than your understandings and what you've been told. There are thousands of conversations that will support you in being clear as to your cause; one is about the power of intention and how to manifest your stated intentions rather than taking what "happens," what life deals you.
Re: “The only thing missing in my life is love.” Not true. Love is a by-product of communication. In truth you have mastered talking. We know because you didn’t bring love into the relationship; this reveals that you have no one in your life with whom you are in-communication. What’s missing is your understanding about the differences between talking and communicating.
Equally important for a successful relationship is for you to get into communication with your parents. You can use them to support you in recalling and relating (communicating) the very first incident you describe as schizo-. . . ; I’m guessing that incident is the one you have been dramatizing.
BTW: Withholders always always attract withholders; in other words, he too is withholding a deal-breaker from you.
I recommend that you look into doing some Auditing via Dianetics. They have done some exceptional work with what others refer to as mental problems; it would be doubly powerful for you in that you would become clearer about intention, especially when it comes time for you to recess/extract yourself from the church's communications.
With aloha, Gabby
Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 3/26/12)