#49 Girl wants friend to stop smoking pot / Pot not source of problem |
DEAR ABBY: My best
friend, "Bette," is one of the nicest, smartest teens you'll ever meet. I
enjoy her company, we get along great, and we have a lot in common.
She's also my role model, since I'm two years younger than she is. (I
skipped a couple of grades.) How can I persuade her to
stop? Should I even try? Will I be ruining a great friendship? —NEEDS
HELP IN GEORGIA [ top ]
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Gabby's Reply:
HI NEEDS: Your friend is revealing what's next for you in your leadership-communication skills curriculum. Go back in time to the first day you found out she had smoked. What/how you communicated then (verbally and non-verbally) sanctioned and rewarded her behavior. It's called enabling. It was supposed to have been the turning point in the relationship. How did she know, with absolute certainty, that you would continue interacting with her? How did she know that you wouldn't communicate,
What she has done is
tantamount to lighting up a cigar in front of the Pope. It's a powerful
communication. It reveals that there are dozens of
thoughts being
withheld
between the two of you. Withholds serve as barriers to the
experience of love and respect. The concept of love is there. What's
missing is the experience.
Re: "I also share everything with my parents." It doesn't sound like you discussed this with your parents before writing. Because you weren't willing to be honest, up front (zero drugs) with your friend, you'll have to present your ultimatum now. My sense is that you won't—that you'll continue interacting with her, supporting her deception of her parents, so that you don't have to experience the pain of aloneness. That is to say, you are addicted to being invalidated (it's called abuse). To support another in deceiving (abusing) another (her parents) sets up life for others to support others in deceiving you. In this case, your non-verbal communications to her parents are powerful, they are having powerful consequences. It could be said that she has set you up to support her in recreating the experience of integrity with and between her parents.* It could also be said that you unconsciously set her up to set you up to have a choice, to go for it or to opt for a life of mediocrity. You need communication skills coaching. We know this because you don't yet know, at the level of natural knowing, that communication only takes place in space. Example #1 You: How do you feel about abortion? Friend #1: I don't know. Sometimes I think it's OK and at other times I don't. With such a person there's space for further conversations about the subject to take place. Example #2 You: How do you feel about abortion? Friend #2: It's wrong. It's murder. With such a person there is no space for communication to take place. The space is occupied by a concrete position held self-righteously (anyone who disagrees is wrong). You attempted to communicate
from a position into a position. Your position:
[Smoking is bad.] Her position: [I have smoked. I will smoke. Nothing
you can say will cause me to stop now.] At some point in time you'll
realize that you unconsciously intended her to be doing this, for you,
in support of your growth, your maturity. Your "position" might come back to haunt
you later, say, at age 52, after you've caused a divorce, and an awesome
date invites you to try pot. * Notice that her parents are unconscious; they are not in-communication with her; they are not experiencing the out-integrity between them. They have trained her to be deceitful. In fact, she has no choice other than to mirror the integrity of her parents. Notice also that you are not in-communication with your parents else you would have shared your considerations with them. Do The [free] Clearing Process —it will support you in restoring your integrity and to creating space for those around you to communicate openly and honestly, zero significant withholds. Yours is a valuable letter for others to read, thank you, Gabby
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