#39 Defusing explosive sisters
/ Have I been unconsciously intending abuse from my sisters?
Dear Carolyn: The
stronger and happier I feel inside, the greater amount of resentment I
get from two of my older sisters. Both express it in statements meant to
hurt, like, "You always were selfish," or "You have no values. You're
just a coward!"
After the explosions, there is never an apology, just an expectation
that I'll still keep in touch, with no mention of the episode. But I'm
tired of it and don't want to keep in touch anymore.
Since I think there is always some truth to what people say, should I
look into myself and try to work it out with them, or is it healthier to
walk away? —P.D.
Dear P.D. I have two
conflicting reactions to your situation: (1) Reach out, they're your
sisters. And (2) Oh brother.
As long as you can remain objective enough to not assume or deflect all
blame, I think it's healthy to look inward in response to criticism.
Except, when you can't tell the difference between criticism and the
rantings of unhappy people. When it comes to hate-bombs like, "you
always were selfish," the proper response is to look outward for the
nearest door.
Except when it's family lobbing them, or even a really old friend. These
people are extensions of you, if shed lightly, will loom as large in
your conscience as they once did in your life. Short of beating them
over the head with an olive branch, you want to try every possible way
to make peace.
Just be strategic about it. Put down your dukes and offer, sincerely, to
hear them out: "If you're right about me, I'd like to fix it. Would you
please explain what I've done wrong?"
In one move, you prove that you're neither selfish, nor cowardly, nor
dismissive of family: You inoculate yourself against future charges of
same; and you humbly challenge them to live up to their own standards.
And you can sever ties without future regrets about not trying hard
enough, except if you disarm (or shame) them into a mutual attempt at
peace. —Carolyn
Hi P.D. You are addicted
to abuse, to abusing and to setting it up to be abused. A person who doesn't need their occasional fix of abuse would not hang around
bullies who
obviously need therapy. That you have trained them to speak to you like
they do says that you need as much therapy as do they. Worse yet, you
are unaware that it is you who, using your leadership-communication
skills, covertly goad them into attacking you.
You don't mention talking about this with your
parents; this suggests that you have dozens of thoughts you have
withheld from both. The karma for such deceit is always appropriate.
You may have "talked" about the problem with others, but, as you've
noticed, talking (different than communicating a problem) causes a
problem to persist. Communication disappears a problem.
You and your family use what's referred to as the Adversarial Communication Model.
There is another communication model (a way of relating, a way of
communicating (it ain't taught in schools) that produces the results you say you want; it's easy to learn,
however, you have to be willing to give up all relationships that aren't
mutually satisfying. It's called the Intentional
Communication Model. However, it only works if you relate
with people who also communicate responsibly, from cause. This
means you must stop hanging around people addicted to blame and putting
you down. More accurately, you need to be aware when you are setting it
up for others to put you down.
The Intentional Communication Model is great because when you are with people
who use it you create (intend)
them to be saying what they are saying to you. That is to say, Self #1 (you) create
Self #2 (your other you) to give you feedback. You've got a head start
because you naturally intuit that your sisters are presenting
opportunities for you to see things about yourself that your mind won't
allow.
To answer your question: Yes, your
sisters are absolutely right. The problem is that they are not being
accurate and, you've had no intention for them to be specific so as
to complete each incident through to mutual satisfaction. The reason
someone has to repeat something is because they aren't being gotten
(more accurately, they have had no intention of being gotten).
The
following works among people intent on being complete with each other.
"Do you get that I get that I was selfish with you when I . . .?" Get a
yes or no. "Is there any
doubt in your mind that I got that?" "Is there something you need me to
say?"
"Is there anything I can do or say that would allow you to be happy with
me?"
With you and your sisters there are five things going on that make it
virtually impossible for you to clean up the mess.
1) Notice that the example you gave, "You always were selfish" refers to
a collection of incidents, all of which are incomplete for all of you. It's all history and drama. It refers to
stuff/upsets held on to, to be right and to make you wrong. It also contains a
lie. I'm certain that you have been generous at times.
2) Notice also that you are addicted to blame, "There is never an
apology." A responsible person would have written, "I refuse to ask for an
apology," or, "I don't know how to cause (insert the name of one of them)
to apologize." However, your concern about an apology reveals a misunderstanding
you have about responsibility. If you knew that you were responsible
(cause) for what's coming at you, or back at you, then you would not
need an apology. It doesn't make sense to ask another to apologize for
something that you, using your unique leadership-communication skills,
manipulated (albeit unconsciously) them to say to you. What completes an abusive
interaction is an acknowledgment, which is entirely different than an
apology. This is covered in detail in the
Spouse Abuse
Tutorial (the tutorial is for any/everyone—not only spouses)
intent on completing his/her experience of abuse.
Note: You
can only read about the tutorial, because it doesn't work for those
living/interacting with others addicted to abuse.
3) Another problem is that your parents empower all of you
in treating each
other as you do. Do not make the mistake of thinking your parents or other
siblings are your allies. Not. A friend would not allow such treatment
of another in the same space. For you to effect healthy supportive
relationships with your family you'll have to insist that the entire
family get therapy. Because of the
barriers they ALL have towards
experiencing and acknowledging their respect for you it's unlikely they
will allow you to support them in healing. They honestly believe that
you are the one with the problem. They have yet to become aware that
they are bullies stuck in abuse; this means they are not even up to denying that
they are abusive. Denial would be another fight altogether.
4)
Another problem is that your letter deals in generalities ("two
sisters") rather than asking for advice about one sister. You wrote to
blame and complain, not to find out what you've done to alienate a
sister. The communication skills it will take to effect a transformation
with just one sister will work with the whole family; however, to become
that skilled will take you about ten years. It's an awesome
curriculum that requires a lifestyle change. You have to permanently and
completely estrange yourself from them, and then, years later, when you have healed, make a choice to return or
not. Among your daily tasks will be a choice, "Do I interact with an
abusive person today or not?" Presently you have no choice;
co-creating abuse is as
much of an addiction as alcohol.
5) It also appears that you have succeeded at the expense of others.
This is a by-product of the Adversarial Communication Model with which
we all grew up. Instead of bringing others along with you, you have left
them behind. The way you have succeeded generates upset, envy, and
resentment. You say "stronger and happier" which I suspect is relative,
almost like an altered-reality-drug-high that can't sustain itself when
you're back in your family-member reality. It's possible you've
mastered an in-your-face "I'm happy" act with them. It's much like the
high I experienced the first time I played
hooky. What an awesome day! Then I returned to school (reality) the next
day. Ugh! Genuine sustained happiness comes from serving and supporting
others. It could be said that you've brought things to a boil so that
you are forced to commit yourself to service. Quite brilliant of you.
I do agree with your "want," to not relate with them anymore. However
there is a difference between wanting and intending. The problem with
your "want" is that your addiction is such that you cannot be trusted to
stay away from them. Like an addict it's most likely that you will need to get a fix and
you'll return to goad them into invalidating you every so often (most do
it during holiday/family get-togethers).
You don't say how old you are but I'm concerned that you have dumped, or
will be dumping, this problem into your fiancé's/spouse's life. This is another example of
your abuse. To even complain (blame and badmouth) about your sisters to
your spouse is an unethical dump. In fact, it is unethical of you to
bring another into such a dysfunctional family. To do so would not be a
gift of love. An alternative is to tell an intended, "I'm
estranged from my family until they each complete 25-hours of therapy.
No calls, letters, messages, gifts, or visits. You don't even get to
meet them. Can you support me with
this intention?"
In any case, here's how to extract yourself: First, look and see if
you're willing to not interact with your family so as to have an abuse-free
life. If yes, write and send each family member (to do it
verbally would only generate arguments and more blaming abuse) the following:
"I don't know how to interact with you and have
it consistently feel good. I need to complete my addiction to abusing
and to being abused. I
am enrolling myself in an extended coaching program that requires that I
not engage in conversations in which I generate abuse. Towards this end
I'll not be interacting with any of you until I am satisfied that I have
healed myself, and, that each of you have completed 25-hours
of individual counseling or therapy. Please do not attempt to contact
me via phone, e-mail, or gifts(except for
life/death emergencies). In other words, I'll know you
value me and want me
back in your life, when one of you can say, 'We have all completed 25-hours
of counseling."
Now one of the problems in delivering this
ultimatum is that they
all know, from direct experience, that you are as addicted to abuse as
they are, and that you have no choice. They will not believe you and
will keep testing you, believing with considerable certainty that you don't mean
it—that you'll give in without insisting upon your ultimatum to each.
That's how little they respect you. A bully doesn't respect his/her
victim
In the meantime, you also must complete the same amount of counseling,
else you'll destroy your other personal/intimate relationships. A word
of caution: At some point during your 25-hours of counseling/coaching
you'll have an overwhelming experience of love for your family coupled
with an experience of clarity and enormous power. You'll feel guilty for
estranging them and, you'll honestly believe that you are healed, and that
you are strong enough to engage in conversations with them without
triggering abuse. You'll opt to waive your therapy ultimatum. Within
minutes (assuming none complete your
counseling ultimatum) you will be right back where you are. You'll
have revealed that your stated intention, to not engage in abusive
conversations, was a lie. That is to say, unless all concerned get
therapy you don't have the leadership-communication skills or, their
permission to coach them, to effect a transformation within your family.
I love your letter; it
speaks for millions with the same problem.
Do include our communications in your letter to each. —Thank you, Gabby