#40 Dump unfaithful man / Con reveals con

Dear Ann Landers: I have been dating "Clive" for five years. He is intelligent, a great conversationalist, fun, generous and has a great sense of humor. He gets along well with my family, and I am quite content.

Here's the problem: Two years ago, Clive admitted he had slept with another woman after a night of drinking. It upset me terribly to learn of this, but he apologized and said it would never happen again. I believed him. Six months ago, he informed me there was one other woman he had slept with since we've been dating. Last weekend, he said there was "just one more."

I have asked Clive to tell me the entire truth, but he says it's none of my business and it's in the past. I'm not so sure. I believe if Clive has been dishonest with me in the past, there is no reason to think he will be truthful in the future. He refuses to discuss the matter anymore. How can I get him to understand the importance of trust in our relationship? I care deeply for Clive, but maybe it's time to move on. What do you say? — NEED HONESTY IN MINNESOTA

Dear Minnesota: I say give Clive the old heave-ho before another crop of women surfaces. His memory "lapses" are bad enough, but if Clive has been unfaithful three times in the five years you have been dating, it's unlikely he will control himself in the future. You can do better dear. —ANN

Gabby's Response

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Gabby’s Response:

Hi Need Honesty: Your signature is perfect. It tells all. This is not about Clive. You just brought him into your life to reveal and complete your own unconscious addiction to conning.

How did Clive intuitively know that you would stay with him after the first incident? The second? The third? How did he know, with certainty, that you would succumb to, "I don't want to talk about it?" The answer is that you have communicated it, unconsciously and non-verbally; you have been unaware of your intentions. That you couldn't tell he was hiding something from you throughout your engagement reveals that you have been unconscious. You have been stuck doing your imitation of communication with him and everyone else. He knew he had found in you a fellow withholder, a fellow con. That is to say, you have been withholding something from him from the very beginning, there are no exceptions to this deception-mirrors-deception phenomenon.

You unethically control Clive (keep him around) by rewarding (enabling) his unethicalness. If you'll look even further back in the relationship you'll find the communication, the incident, in which you lost his respect. How you handled that incident rewarded his pattern of deceit and manipulation. For some men respect is lost after they con the woman they are dating into having sex knowing full well it would upset the woman's parents. Their total disregard for the feelings and wishes of the girl's father is an excellent predictor of things to come. Karmically it's not a smart way to begin a relationship.

His behavior is a setup. He was hoping you'd be the one strong enough to not play with him until he had completed six-months of weekly sessions of therapy. Had you been in-integrity at the beginning you would have sensed something was out, even before his first cheat. His angry verbally abusive "none of your business" slap was supposed to have been your clue to say, "I'll be leaving now. Let me know when you've completed 6-months of therapy."  For you to control him, to keep him around for your pleasure, when it's clear that he has anger and honesty issues, and is in need of therapy, reveals that you too need therapy. Anger such as his hides other perpetrations; he does this by shutting down communication. You support it by hanging around him another minute. He can't heal with you in his life. He uses anger to distract you so that you don't zero in on his other perpetration(s), or the biggie.

Eventually you will leave him because you'll realize that you don't have permission nor the leadership-communication skills to support/inspire him to go straight; unless you get coaching/counseling your communication model, how you communicate and relate, will still attract cons. Cons always attract cons.

Next time (next relationship) make it clear up front that truthfulness and fidelity are of paramount importance—that any infidelity (to include withheld perpetrations) will be a communication of termination of the relationship with absolutely no possibility of another chance (read Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating).  If engaged, add, ". . .  cheating will be a communication of your intent to divorce, and, that you forfeit the right to sue, especially for child custody (I'm certain you agree that a parent who cheats is not the ideal role model).  I will not tolerate cheating at all.  Is this absolutely clear? Do you agree?" In this way there are no unconscious mixed/conflicting messages being communicated. Also, let your next partner know exactly how you manipulated your ex into deceiving you so he knows what to look for.

I recommend a consultation with a communication-skills coach, someone skilled at mirroring unconscious communications. Such feedback and coaching is powerful. It supports transformation. It would give you a successful experience of open, honest, and spontaneous communication, zero withholds. Ask for support in recalling the first incident in your life in which you became not a safe space for another to tell you the truth. In other words, your present leadership-communication skills do not inspire openess because your integrity has been out.

Another option is for you to do The Clearing Process (5 clearings, one per day for five days in a row) it's one of four free communication processes in support of integrity, it's located in The Clearing House.  Until you complete that first incident you'll have to keep recreating others not telling you the whole truth. In this matter you will always be the leader. Thank you, —Gabby

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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 4/17/15)

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