#40 Dump unfaithful man / Con reveals con

 

Here's the problem: Two years ago, Clive admitted he had slept with another woman after a night of drinking. It upset me terribly to learn of this, but he apologized and said it would never happen again. I believed him. Six months ago, he informed me there was one other woman he had slept with since we've been dating. Last weekend, he said there was "just one more."

I have asked Clive to tell me the entire truth, but he says it's none of my business and it's in the past. I'm not so sure. I believe if Clive has been dishonest with me in the past, there is no reason to think he will be truthful in the future. He refuses to discuss the matter anymore. How can I get him to understand the importance of trust in our relationship? I care deeply for Clive, but maybe it's time to move on. What do you say? — NEED HONESTY IN MINNESOTA

Dear Minnesota: I say give Clive the old heave-ho before another crop of women surfaces. His memory lapses" are bad enough, but if Clive has been unfaithful three times in the five years you have been dating, it's unlikely he will control himself in the future. You can do better dear. —ANN

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Gabby’s Response:

Hi Need Honesty: Your signature is perfect. It says it all. This is not about Clive. You just brought him into your life to reveal and complete your own unconscious addiction to conning.

How did Clive intuitively know that you would stay with him after the first incident? The second? The third? How did he know, with certainty, that you would succumb to, "I don't want to talk about it?" The answer is that you have communicated it, obviously, unconsciously and non verbally.

You unethically control Clive (keep him around) by rewarding his unethicalness. If you'll look further back in the relationship you'll find the communication, the incident, in which you lost his respect. How you handled that incident rewarded his pattern of deceit and manipulation. For some men respect is lost when they con the woman they are  dating into having sex knowing full well it would upset the woman's parents. Their total disregard for the feelings and wishes of the girl's father is an excellent predictor of things to come. Karmically it's not a smart way to begin a relationship.

His behavior is a setup. He was hoping you'd be the one strong enough to not play with him until he had completed six months of weekly sessions of therapy. A person in-integrity would have sensed something was out, even before his first cheat. His angry verbally abusive none of your business slap was supposed to be your clue to say, "I'll be leaving now. Let me know when you've completed 6 months of therapy."  For you to control him, to keep him around for your pleasure when it's clear that he has anger and honesty issues, and is in need of therapy, reveals that you too need therapy. Anger such as his hides other perpetrations. He does this by shutting down communication. You support it by hanging around him another minute. He can't heal with you in his life. He uses anger to distract you so that you don't zero in on his other perpetration, the biggie.

Keep in mind that when you leave him (and leave you will because eventually you'll realize that don't have permission nor the communication-leadership skills to support/inspire him to go straight) your communication model, how you communicate and relate, will still attract cons. Cons always attract cons.

Next time (next relationship) make it clear up front that truthfulness and fidelity are of paramount importance—that any infidelity will be a communication of termination of the relationship with absolutely no possibility of another chance (read Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating). If engaged, add, "... cheating will be a communication of your intent to divorce, and, that you forfeit the right to sue, or for child custody (I'm certain you agree that a parent who cheats is not the ideal role model). I will not tolerate cheating at all. Is this absolutely clear? Do you agree?" In this way there are no unconscious mixed/conflicting messages being communicated.

I recommend a session with a communicologist (a communication skills coach). A communicologist is skilled at mirroring unconscious communications. Such feedback and coaching is powerful. It supports transformation. It would give you a successful experience of open, honest, and spontaneous communication, zero thoughts withheld. Ask for support in recalling the first incident in your life in which you became not a safe space for another to tell you the truth. You can also use The Clearing Process (5 clearings, 1 per day for five days in a row) it's free.  Until you complete that incident you'll have to keep recreating others not telling you the whole truth. In this matter you will always be the leader. Thank you, —Gabby

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