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#39 Waiting for guys to ask me out / Positionality broadcasting
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DEAR ABBY: I am a
16-year-old girl, raised to be old-fashioned. I am very uncomfortable
with how the rules of courtship have changed over the years. It used to be
that guys pursued the girls. Now, the situation has reversed and girls
have become the aggressors. Most of the guys I know won't ask me out unless I make the first move and call them. They are so used to being chased that they think that if a girl doesn't do it, she's not interested. How can I encourage a guy to ask me out without being the aggressor? —OLD-FASHIONED GIRL IN INDIANA DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: Most males like to be chased. It's flattering, and that way they know they won't be turned down. However, there are ways a girl can let a guy know whoever's interested without coming on like a shark that smells blood. (1) Be friendly. (2) Have a reason for calling other than just to talk. (3) If you share a genuine interest in something he's interested in, let him know. —ABBY [
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Gabby's Response: Hi Old-Fashioned: It appears that how you have been raised is not serving you now, at least not in terms of happiness or your ability to fit in or adjust to a modern world, or to be comfortable.* In my opinion it was both irresponsible and unethical of your parents to raise you to be "good and proper" and then submit you to the mores of a public high school. Although they meant well, in truth they trained you to be condescending, self-righteous, and judgmental. I get your uncomfortableness but it's not about the "rules." When you share with the person you are uncomfortable with that you are uncomfortable (when you tell the truth the moment you are experiencing it) it (the uncomfortableness) will disappear. In other words, you haven't gotten to the truth of your uncomfortableness, of what it's really about—most likely it's fear. I also get your confusion. In the enlightenment game "knowing" is on the other side of the coin. Keep asking/flipping. It's so great that you wrote your letter; most teens don't ask and so they hang out in confusion for years. Re: "It used to be that guys pursued the girls." Not so. That's another of life's many illusions. Boys and girls have always been equal aggressors; it's impossible for it to be otherwise. Girls have always aggressed. They use intelligence (good grades/school activities), coyness, short skirts and cleavages (with non-verbal suggestions of possibilities) to attract and seduce; some have perfected innocence and helplessness so as to attract a condescending, enabling, control freak. I.e. "Here, let me help you with that." Most married women will tell you that they pursued their husband; some are conscious enough to acknowledge that they introduced themselves, others consciously set it up for him to introduce himself. It's all done via intention. One of the disadvantages of waiting to be asked is that you only get to choose from the ones that ask you instead of from the world's population; operating daily from this decision (decision: an old French word meaning "to kill/murder the alternative"), waiting to be asked, shows on your face. It costs you your aliveness, your radiance. Most importantly, when you manipulate a boy to submit himself to possible ridicule and failure, by making him walk across the gym floor to ask you to dance, it has enormous undesirable consequences for you later in life, especially when it comes to promotions and financial parity. Now is the time to live from equality. There's another even greater disadvantage to playing the "Come-'n-get-me game," or the, "You aren't worth me asking you out game," —it's that you can't completely experience anything you aren't willing to have created. Your ground of being is to react rather than act; this isn't bad, it's just that it seldom/consistently produces happiness. It could be that
you are unconsciously blaming your parents (making them wrong) for not
teaching you the social skills that produce happiness. I suspect your
old-fashioned raising communicates non-verbally your position about sex. Boys who aren't in
open and honest communication with their parents spend an enormous amount
of time plotting and searching for girls who will support them in
deceiving their parents by having sex behind the backs of both sets of
parents. In other words, he will not tell his parents that he's having
thoughts about seducing an equally deceitful girl into deceiving her
parents. Are you ready or even willing to play this game? During the process of
thinking about asking someone out is when you confront your considerations. When
you first begin dating you're supposed to share your thoughts (referred to as
considerations), especially your fears, with your family and friends. After
you've acknowledged (verbally communicated) your considerations, to yourself and
at least one other person, preferably a parent, you then walk up and ask. Ask
cleanly, clearly, and from the point of view that it's perfectly OK that they
say no (or else they might say yes so as to not hurt your feelings, and not from
choice, in which case you become a mercy-date). After your first asking-success
you will have compassion thereafter when responding to anyone who asks you out.
Until you ask first you won't be able to completely experience, honor, and
appreciate what a boy must go through to ask you first. In communication
jargon, you will not be able to recreate his communication, his experience. Let's look at it
from another point of view. Why would any boy ask you out? You operate
from what's referred to as the adversarial communication model. You
are non-verbally and psychically broadcasting warning signals of what to
expect in a relationship with you. You view dating as a struggle between
good and evil, "aggressors" (those who ask) and those who wait passively
to be asked out. In your case, if someone did ask you out, you would have
won the skirmish, with an unconscious intention for more battles. It would
reinforce your self-righteous position, that "old-fashioned" is good and
right. This is a holier-than-thou adversarial communication that you
communicate non-verbally to everyone. Your communication
model is not what you expect in a boy. You want a boy who is open and
honest, one who communicates truthfully and spontaneously. Now is the time
to learn and practice how to tell the truth in the moment. If you
hide feelings and thoughts now during dating, and later when looking for a
husband, you'll do the same in your marriage when spontaneity really
counts. People who hide their thoughts (withholders)
always attract those who do likewise. Now is the time to identify where
the fear came from and to disappear it. The source of the fear is a
specific childhood interaction (person, date, time, location) from which
you made an unconscious decision. It's imperative that you locate
(recall/remember) this incident else it will run you for life; it's
referred to as an
incomplete. Re: "They are so used to
being chased that they think that if a girl doesn't do it [initiate the
introduction], she's not interested." And that's the truth. You're more
interested in being right, that boys won't ask you out, than in having dates.
I say I'd like to have a Range Rover but I have a Scion xB.
An intention is an interest/want acted upon and manifested. It's obvious that
you haven't run into anyone who inspires you to action.** The boys who aren't
asking you out are
communicating something of value to you non-verbally through the absence
of invitations.***
Specifically, it hasn't been time for you to be dating. Now's the time to
be focusing primarily on your studies. Continue reaching out and asking
questions such as you have. That's how you'll develop the communication
skills that will attract your
ideal partner. It's OK to
pursue boys for friends. The communication
skills it takes to create magnificent high school relationships are the
exact some ones that produce magnificent marriages. BTW: A daughter who has yet to learn how to
communicate openly and honestly with her father (to include affectionate
hugging) always blames the father and seduces a boy for sex in hopes of
experiencing the intimacy that's missing—such girls are ripe for an "accidental"
pregnancy. Because of the deceit perpetrated against both sets of parents
in such relationships there can be no experience of true intercourse. Bottom line:
You're doing great, you're right on track. You're en route to mastering
communication. You don't have to stop doing or start doing anything. Simply by
reading this reply you'll find yourself producing different results. I'd be
proud to have you as a daughter. —Kerry *
I'm betting your parents have been hiding their outrageous teen perpetrations
from you. It's called deceit. Be it sex, thefts, deceits, lies, or drugs,
all parents have their own past. Unfortunately most hide their perps from their
child and espouse . . . do as I say . . . **
When choosing a college keep in mind the various types of men each attract;
architecture, religious, art, sports, law, etc., —in other words, it's possible
that the conversations of typical high school boys simply don't move/inspire
you. ***
It could be said that the boys who have been ignoring you have been
unconsciously attempting to reverse the trend—of generations of males conning
females into dates and marriage—in support of equality later in life. It's
not hard to see that the way young men and women have been communicating with
each other keeps producing the same results in business, education, politics,
with 50% ending in a divorce. P.S. You'll always be the
leader in all relationships—for life. Sometimes the way leaders lead is by
surrendering from time to time—some surrender consciously, others do it
unconsciously. Many women control a date by surrendering at first so as to hook
him; later, when they've landed him, they try to effect a healthy balance of
control and surrender and find that they have attracted a control freak. P.P.S. Keep in mind that your #10 is busy studying, probably working part-time, and has dozens of house chores that keep him out of the usual social cliques. Stay on purpose with your studies and you'll both find each other naturally without effort. P.P.P.S. Here's some Communication Tips for Teens. Comment Box
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occasionally for minor edits (last edited 5/24/19) [
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