#39 Waiting for guys to ask me out / Positionality broadcasting warning signals
 

Most of the guys I know won't ask me out unless I make the first move and call them. They are so used to being chased that they think that if a girl doesn't do it, she's not interested.

How can I encourage a guy to ask me out without being the aggressor? OLD-FASHIONED GIRL IN INDIANA

DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: Most males like to be chased. It's flattering, and that way they know they won't be turned down. However, there are ways a girl can let a guy know whoever's interested without coming on like a shark that smells blood.

(1) Be friendly.

(2) Have a reason for calling other than just to talk.

(3) If you share a genuine interest in something he's interested in, let him know. —ABBY

Gabby's Response:

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Gabby’s Response:

Hi Old-Fashioned: It looks to me as though how you have been raised is not serving you now, at least not in terms of happiness or your ability to fit in or adjust to a modern world.

I get your uncomfortableness but it's not about the "rules." When you tell the truth about your uncomfortableness it will disappear. I also get your confusion. In the enlightenment game knowing is on the other side of the coin. Keep asking/flipping.

Re: "It used to be that guys pursued the girls. " Not so. That was an illusion.  Most married women will tell you that they pursued their husband. Some are conscious enough to acknowledge that they set it up for him to introduce himself. It's done via intention.

One of the disadvantages of waiting to be asked is that you only get to choose from the ones that ask you instead of from the world's population. Operating daily from this decision (from an old French word meaning "to murder the alternative"), waiting to be asked, shows on your face. It costs you your aliveness, your radiance. Most importantly, forcing a boy to submit himself to ridicule and possible failure by making him walk across the gym floor to ask you to dance has enormous consequences for you later in life, especially when it comes to promotions and financial parity. Now is the time to live from equality.

There's another even greater disadvantage to playing the "Come-and-get-me game," or the, "You aren't worth being asked out game," is that you can't completely experience anything you aren't willing to have created. Your ground of being is to react rather than act.

During the process of thinking about asking someone out is when you confront your considerations. You're supposed to share your thoughts with your family and friends, including your fears. Then when you've acknowledged your considerations, to yourself and verbally to at least one other person, preferably a parent, you then walk up and ask. Ask cleanly, clearly, and from the point of view that it's perfectly OK that they say no (or else they might say yes so as to not hurt your feelings, and not from choice, in which case you become a mercy date). Thereafter you will have compassion when handling all men who ask you out. Until you ask first you won't be able to completely experience, honor, and appreciate what a boy must go through to ask you first.  In communication jargon, you will not be able to recreate his communication, his experience.

Let's look at it from another point of view. Why would any boy ask you out? You communicate nonverbally your adversarial communication model. Clearly you are broadcasting warning signals of what to expect in a relationship with you. You view dating as a struggle, between "aggressors" and those who wait passively to be asked out. In your case, if someone did ask you out, you would have won the battle. You'd reinforce your self-righteous position, that old-fashioned is good and right. This is a holier-than-thou adversarial communication that you communicate non-verbally to everyone.

Your communication model is not what you expect in a boy. You want a boy who is open and honest and who communicates truthfully. Now is the time you are supposed to be practicing and learning how to tell the truth in the moment. If you hide feelings and thoughts now during dating and later when finding a husband, you'll do the same in your marriage when spontaneity really counts. People who hide their thoughts always attract those who do likewise. Now is the time to identify where the fears came from and to disappear them.

The boys you know are communicating something of value to you nonverbally, through their lack of invitations. Specifically, it hasn't been time for you to be dating. Focus primarily on your studies, and continue to reach out and ask questions such as you have. That's how you'll develop the communication skills that will attract your ideal partner. Bottom line: You're doing great, you're right on track. You don't have to stop doing or start doing anything. Simply by reading this reply you will find yourself producing different results. I'd be proud to have you as a daughter. —Gabby
 

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