#39 Waiting for guys to ask me out / Positionality broadcasting warning signals

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl, raised to be old-fashioned.  I am very uncomfortable with how the rules of courtship have changed over the years. It used to be that guys pursued the girls. Now, the situation has reversed and girls have become the aggressors.

Most of the guys I know won't ask me out unless I make the first move and call them. They are so used to being chased that they think that if a girl doesn't do it, she's not interested.

How can I encourage a guy to ask me out without being the aggressor? OLD-FASHIONED GIRL IN INDIANA

DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: Most males like to be chased. It's flattering, and that way they know they won't be turned down. However, there are ways a girl can let a guy know whoever's interested without coming on like a shark that smells blood.

(1) Be friendly.

(2) Have a reason for calling other than just to talk.

(3) If you share a genuine interest in something he's interested in, let him know. —ABBY

Gabby's Response:

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Gabby’s Response:

Hi Old-Fashioned: It appears that how you have been raised is not serving you now, at least not in terms of happiness or your ability to fit in or adjust to a modern world, or to be comfortable.*

In my opinion it was both irresponsible and unethical of your parents to raise you to be "good and proper" and then submit you to the mores of a public high school. Although they meant well, in truth they trained you to be condescending, self-righteous, and judgmental.

I get your uncomfortableness but it's not about the "rules." When you share with the person you are uncomfortable with that you are uncomfortable (when you tell the truth the moment you are experiencing it) it (the uncomfortableness) will disappear. In other words, you haven't gotten to the truth of your uncomfortableness, of what it's really about—most likely it's fear.

I also get your confusion. In the enlightenment game "knowing" is on the other side of the coin. Keep asking/flipping. It's so great that you wrote your letter; most teens don't ask and so they hang out in confusion for years. 

Re: "It used to be that guys pursued the girls." Not so. That's another of life's many illusions.  Boys and girls have always been equal aggressors; it's impossible for it to be otherwise.  Girls have always aggressed. They use intelligence (good grades/school activities), coyness, or even short skirts and cleavages (with non-verbal suggestions of possibilities) to attract and seduce; some have perfected innocence and helplessness so as to attract a condescending, enabling, control freak. i.e. "Here, let me help you with that."  

Most married women will tell you that they pursued their husband; some are conscious enough to acknowledge that they introduced themselves, others consciously set it up for him to introduce himself. It's all done via intention.

One of the disadvantages of waiting to be asked is that you only get to choose from the ones that ask you instead of from the world's population; operating daily from this decision (decision: an old French word meaning "to kill/murder the alternative"), waiting to be asked, shows on your face. It costs you your aliveness, your radiance.

Most importantly, when you manipulate a boy to submit himself to possible ridicule and failure, by making him walk across the gym floor to ask you to dance, it has enormous undesirable consequences for you later in life, especially when it comes to promotions and financial parity. Now is the time to live from equality.

There's another even greater disadvantage to playing the "Come-'n-get-me game," or the, "You aren't worth me asking you out game," —it's that you can't completely experience anything you aren't willing to have created. Your ground of being is to react rather than act; this isn't bad, it's just that it seldom/consistently produces happiness.

It could be that you are unconsciously blaming your parents (making them wrong) for not teaching you the social skills that produce happiness. I suspect your old-fashioned raising communicates non-verbally your position about sex.

Boys who aren't in open and honest communication with their parents spend an enormous amount of time plotting and searching for girls who will support them in deceiving their parents by having sex behind the backs of both sets of parents. In other words, he will not tell his parents that he's having thoughts about seducing an equally deceitful girl into deceiving her parents. Are you ready or even willing to play this game?

During the process of thinking about asking someone out is when you confront your considerations. When you first begin dating you're supposed to share your thoughts (referred to as considerations), especially your fears, with your family and friends. After you've acknowledged (verbally communicated) your considerations, to yourself and at least one other person, preferably a parent, you then walk up and ask. Ask cleanly, clearly, and from the point of view that it's perfectly OK that they say no (or else they might say yes so as to not hurt your feelings, and not from choice, in which case you become a mercy-date). After your first asking-success you will have compassion thereafter when responding to anyone who asks you out. Until you ask first you won't be able to completely experience, honor, and appreciate what a boy must go through to ask you first.  In communication jargon, you will not be able to recreate his communication, his experience.

Let's look at it from another point of view. Why would any boy ask you out? You operate from what's referred to as the adversarial communication model. You are non-verbally and psychically broadcasting warning signals of what to expect in a relationship with you. You view dating as a struggle between good and evil, "aggressors" (those who ask) and those who wait passively to be asked out. In your case, if someone did ask you out, you would have won the skirmish, with an unconscious intention for more battles. It would reinforce your self-righteous position, that "old-fashioned" is good and right. This is a holier-than-thou adversarial communication that you communicate non-verbally to everyone.

Your communication model is not what you expect in a boy. You want a boy who is open and honest, one who communicates truthfully and spontaneously. Now is the time to learn and practice how to tell the truth in the moment. If you hide feelings and thoughts now during dating, and later when looking for a husband, you'll do the same in your marriage when spontaneity really counts. People who hide their thoughts (withholders) always attract those who do likewise. Now is the time to identify where the fear came from and to disappear it. The source of the fear is a specific childhood interaction (person, date, time, location) from which you made an unconscious decision. It's imperative that you locate (recall/remember) this incident else it will run you for life; it's referred to as an incomplete.

Re: "They are so used to being chased that they think that if a girl doesn't do it [initiate the introduction], she's not interested." And that's the truth.  You're more interested in being right, that boys won't ask you out, than in having dates. I'm interested in having a Rolls Royce but I intended to have a Scion xB.  An intention is an interest/want acted upon and manifested. It's obvious that you haven't run into anyone who inspires you to action. **

The boys who aren't asking you out are communicating something of value to you non-verbally through the absence of invitations.*** Specifically, it hasn't been time for you to be dating. Now's the time to be focusing primarily on your studies. Continue reaching out and asking questions such as you have. That's how you'll develop the communication skills that will attract your ideal partner.  It's OK to pursue boys for friends.

The communication skills it takes to create magnificent high school relationships are the exact some ones that produce magnificent marriages.

BTW: A daughter who has yet to learn how to communicate openly and honestly with her father (to include affectionate hugging) always blames the father and seduces a boy for sex in hopes of experiencing the intimacy that's missing. Such girls are ripe for an "accidental" pregnancy.  Because of the deceit perpetrated against both sets of parents in such relationships there can be no experience of true intercourse. 

Bottom line: You're doing great, you're right on track. You're en route to mastering communication. You don't have to stop doing or start doing anything. Simply by reading this reply you'll find yourself producing different results. I'd be proud to have you as a daughter. —Gabby

*  I'm betting your parents have been hiding their outrageous teen perpetrations from you.  It's called deceit. Be it sex, thefts, deceits, lies, or drugs, all parents have their own past. Unfortunately most hide their perps from their child and espouse . . . do as I say . . . 

For example: Ask your parents if they had sex before marriage, and if so did they have upfront-support of both of their parents, or did they sneak behind their backs. Did your father con your mother into having sex knowing it disrespected her parents?  Hypocrisy between parents and children breeds confusion and disrespect. 

**  When choosing a college keep in mind the various types of men each attract; architecture, religious, art, sports, law, etc., —in other words, it's possible that the conversations of typical high school boys simply don't move/inspire you.

***  It could be said that the boys who have been ignoring you have been unconsciously attempting to reverse the trend of generations of males conning females into dates and marriage in support of equality later in life.  It's not hard to see that the way young men and women have been communicating with each other keeps producing the same results in business, education, politics, with 50% ending in a divorce. 

PS: You'll always be the leader in all relationships—for life. Sometimes the way leaders lead is by surrendering from time to time—some surrender consciously, others do it unconsciously. Many women control a date by surrendering at first so as to hook him; later, when they've landed him, they try to effect a healthy balance of control and surrender and  find that they have attracted a control freak.

PPS: Keep in mind that your #10 is busy studying, probably working part-time, and has dozens of house chores that keep him out of the usual social cliques. Stay on purpose with your studies and you'll both find each other naturally without effort.

PPPS: Here's some Communication Tips for Teens.

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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 2/3/13)

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