#39 Waiting for guys to ask me out / Positionality broadcasting warning signals
 

Most of the guys I know won't ask me out unless I make the first move and call them. They are so used to being chased that they think that if a girl doesn't do it, she's not interested.

How can I encourage a guy to ask me out without being the aggressor? OLD-FASHIONED GIRL IN INDIANA

DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: Most males like to be chased. It's flattering, and that way they know they won't be turned down. However, there are ways a girl can let a guy know whoever's interested without coming on like a shark that smells blood.

(1) Be friendly.

(2) Have a reason for calling other than just to talk.

(3) If you share a genuine interest in something he's interested in, let him know. —ABBY

Gabby's Response:

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Gabby’s Response:

Hi Old-Fashioned: It appears that how you have been raised is not serving you now, at least not in terms of happiness or your ability to fit in or adjust to a modern world.*

I get your uncomfortableness but it's not about the "rules." When you share with whomever you are uncomfortable with that you are uncomfortable (when you tell the truth at the moment you are experiencing it) it will disappear.

I also get your confusion. In the enlightenment game knowing is on the other side of the coin. Keep asking/flipping.

Re: "It used to be that guys pursued the girls." Not so. That was another of life's many illusions.  Boys and girls have always been equal aggressors. Girls have always aggressed; they use intelligence (good grades/school activities) or even short skirts and cleavages (with promises of possibilities) to attract and seduce.  Most married women will tell you that they pursued their husband; some are conscious enough to acknowledge that they set it up for him to introduce himself. It's done via intention.

One of the disadvantages of waiting to be asked is that you only get to choose from the ones that ask you instead of from the world's population. Operating daily from this decision (an old French word meaning "to kill/murder the alternative"), waiting to be asked, shows on your face. It costs you your aliveness, your radiance. Most importantly, when you manipulate a boy to submit himself to ridicule and possible failure by making him walk across the gym floor to ask you to dance it has enormous consequences for you later in life, especially when it comes to promotions and financial parity. Now is the time to live from equality.

There's another even greater disadvantage to playing the "Come-and-get-me game," or the, "You aren't worth me asking you out game," is that you can't completely experience anything you aren't willing to have created. Your ground of being is to react rather than act.

During the process of thinking about asking someone out is when you confront your considerations. You're supposed to share these thoughts, especially your fears, with your family and friends. After you've acknowledged (verbally communicated) your considerations, to yourself and at least one other person, preferably a parent, you then walk up and ask. Ask cleanly, clearly, and from the point of view that it's perfectly OK that they say no (or else they might say yes so as to not hurt your feelings, and not from choice, in which case you become a mercy date). After your first asking-success you will have compassion when responding to all men who ask you out. Until you ask first you won't be able to completely experience, honor, and appreciate what a boy must go through to ask you first.  In communication jargon, you will not be able to recreate his communication, his experience.

Let's look at it from another point of view. Why would any boy ask you out? You operate from what's referred to as the adversarial communication model. You are broadcasting clear warning signals of what to expect in a relationship with you. You view dating as a struggle, between "aggressors" and those who wait passively to be asked out. In your case, if someone did ask you out, you would have won the skirmish, with an unconscious  intention for battles to come. It would reinforce your self-righteous position, that old-fashioned is good and right. This is a holier-than-thou adversarial communication that you communicate non-verbally to everyone.

Your communication model is not what you expect in a boy. You want a boy who is open and honest, one who communicates truthfully. Now is the time to learn and practice how to tell the truth in the moment. If you hide feelings and thoughts now during dating, and later when looking for a husband, you'll do the same in your marriage when spontaneity really counts. People who hide their thoughts (withholders) always attract those who do likewise. Now is the time to identify where the fear came from and to disappear it.

Re: "They are so used to being chased that they think that if a girl doesn't do it (initiate the introduction), she's not interested." Duh! It's obvious that you just haven't run onto anyone who does inspire you to action.** The boys who aren't asking you out are communicating something of value to you nonverbally through the absence of invitations. Specifically, it hasn't been time for you to be dating. Focus primarily on your studies, and continue to reach out and ask questions such as you have. That's how you'll develop the communication skills that will attract your ideal partner.  It's OK to pursue boys for friends. The  communication skills it takes to create magnificent high school relationships are the exact some ones that produce magnificent marriages.

BTW: A daughter who has yet to learn how to communicate openly and honestly with her father (to include hugging) always blames the father and seduces a boy for sex in hopes of experiencing the love that's missing. Because of the deceit of both sets of parents in such relationships there can be no experience of true intercourse. 

Bottom line: You're doing great, you're right on track. You're en route to mastering communication. You don't have to stop doing or start doing anything. Simply by reading this reply you will find yourself producing different results. I'd be proud to have you as a daughter. —Gabby

* I'm betting your parents have been hiding their outrageous teen perpetrations from you. It's called deceit. Be it sex, thefts, deceits, lies, or drugs, all parents have their own past. Unfortunately most hide their perps from their child and espouse do as I say. It takes most children a long time to figure out what the hypocrisy hides.

** When choosing a college keep in mind the various types of men each attract; architecture, religious, art, law, etc, —in other words, it could be that the conservations of typical high school boys simply doesn't inspire you.

P.S. You always will be the leader in all relationships. Sometimes the way leaders lead is by surrendering.
 

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