#3 Mistress' death bed visit is not a good idea / Consequences of deceit

Dear Abby: I'd like to pose a question. A man is dying. If I went to visit him, he would be delighted to see me. Even though I haven’t seen him in years, it would bring back happy memories for him. Neither his wife nor his children know that I exist.

After much soul-searching, I have decided that I won't go. I have come to the conclusion that a visit would be disruptive and cause the family pain and suffering, as well as warping their memories of a wonderful man. But I pondered this question, I wondered how many wives might accept such a visit, knowing that it would provide some solace to a man whom they both love. THE MISTRESS

Dear Mistress: Probably not many. If the family resided in Europe, where mistresses are more common, such a visit might be welcomed. However, in the United States, we have a more disapproving attitude about extra marital relationships, and wives of dying husbands are not likely to appreciate a visit from a secret "admirer." Better to let lying dogs sleep. —ABBY

Gabby's Response

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Gabby’s Response:

Hi Mistress: Your ponder is your integrity at work. Do you hold that withholds (lies and deceits) have consequences? Do you think there is a remote possibility that part of his illness and pending death has anything at all to do with his integrity, or your integrity? We don't know do we?

Until this incomplete has been acknowledged and completed we'll never know to what extent it is affecting things. For more about the correlation between integrity and health see Conversations in Support of Health. You don't say whether you knew him before he was married but your question, your considerations and fears, speak volumes.

You say "wonderful" yet it's possible that he has continued to withhold his relationship with you from those he loves. In a relationship in which there is open and honest communication such a withhold is called deceit. Any withhold serves as a barrier to the experience of communication. That is to say, unless he has come clean with his wife they have been doing their imitation of communication with each other all these years.

You mention "warping their memories."* Notice that their memories are not accurate, they are not of who he really is. Doesn't a lie (in this case, living a lie) indicate that their memories are already warped?

Your silence ensures that his wife, most likely unaware of your relationship with her husband and her responsibility in the matter, will continue communicating as she has, with her head in the clouds (unconscious), not being a safe space for those who love her to tell her the truth. It's called, "a life lived unconsciously."

You have two choices: Remain silent and doom your fellow sister to more of the effects of unconsciousness, or, muster up the courage and compassion it will take to clean up the mess—otherwise, it's most likely he will go to his grave incomplete with this deception. Restoring his integrity with his wife and family will support him dying in peace with his integrity intact. Most importantly, restoring your integrity will effect your own health and aliveness, including the outcomes of all with whom you relate; it's one of those darn forks in the road.

Keep in mind that none of you have been able to sleep the restful sound sleep that comes from being whole and complete (in integrity), from being acknowledged for the day's perpetrations. At some level she has always known, it has always affected her aliveness; after all, in her universe she unconsciously intended the deception. It's most likely she is still lying about her cause in the matter. She has yet to be acknowledged for the leadership-communication skills it took her to drive him into your arms. Your question should be, "Shall I, possibly the most conscious of all of us, doom him to an eternity of restlessness?"

I know of no one in my life who would not be happy for me if anyone bearing love and compassion showed up at my death bed; at first, someone may experience upset but I know all would be willing to process it through to mutual satisfaction. Thank you, Gabby

PS: In support of restoring and maintaining your integrity first do, The Clearing Process.

PPS: For more about the correlation between intention and results read, The Intention Experiment. Keep in mind, often one is not clear about his/her intention until they observe the results. Most spouses of couch-potatoes honestly believe they want their spouse to be healthy, positively supportive, and active in the community, yet the results of their leadership-communication skills prove otherwise.

* Reasons serve as barriers to the experience of integrity. A person is either whole and complete or they have their reason(s).

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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 2/8/15)

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