Dear Gabby: #4 Wife tired of husband's sex drive

#4 Wife tired of husband's sex drive / Time for next level of intercourse

Dear Ann Landers: I adore my husband. We have been married for eight years and have two beautiful daughters. We feel our marriage is unique and that God brought us together. So, what is the problem? My husband would like sex every night. Once a week is enough for me. With two young children, I do not have the energy I once had, and like most women, my sex drive has decreased since the children came along.

My husband has done everything he can think of to "romance" me—he is generous with the compliments, brings home small gifts, gives me delightful massages and plays soft music. Nothing seems to work. Most women would die for a husband like this. Do you have any advice, Ann? I want to be the best wife I can be for this wonderful man. What can I do to promote a stronger sex drive? What is wrong with me? LETTING HIM DOWN IN N.C.

Dear N.C.: Nothing is "wrong" with you. You are just tired, like most women who have two children under 7 years of age. You need to make arrangements with a family member, close friend or paid housekeeper to take care of the children for a weekend, so you and your husband can have a mini-vacation to renew the romance. This should be done periodically. If you cannot manage a weekend, one night in a motel will do. Please follow through on this. It could make a world of difference. P.S. Meanwhile, how about a compromise— three times a week? —ANN LANDERS

Gabby's Response

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Gabby’s Response:

Hi N.C.: I suspect that what’s at the bottom of this is that there are some things you aren’t sharing verbally with him. Your letter suggests that you have not told him, "I only want sex once a week," and, "I don’t like feeling as though I’m a failure." It appears you have been trying to work around having to deliver those specific communications, using those exact words, perhaps so as to not discourage him or even drive him away. In any case, it’s time for you both to go to the next level in intercourse. A whole new way of relating.

If I were him I’d have to be willing to acknowledge that the way I've been communicating with my loved one has had an invalidating effect on her. There is something else he's trying to communicate to you. Actualized men know what kind of intercourse is appropriate. For him to want to communicate physically when you're communicating otherwise indicates that his integrity is out. In short, his out-integrity has sapped his consciousness. He is unconscious.

For example:

Him: "I want to talk about cars."

You: (verbally or nonverbally) "No, I want to talk about why I don't want to talk about cars."

Him: "No! We either talk about cars or I'll make you feel inadequate."

You: "Well alright (begrudge-begrudge—with your Molly Martyr Hat on), we'll talk about cars.

If I were you I'd have to be willing to acknowledge:

1) That they way I have been communicating/relating with my husband causes him to continually beg for sex.

2) That I use sex to control my husband and to make him feel guilty for wanting sex.

It is your responsibility to get certainty as to the source of the problem. A complete medical exam is in order as is a series of consultations with a therapist. That you don't mention that sex is great when you do have it leaves me suspect.

In other words, if intercourse in the form of sex isn't in the space, what is in the space that begs other forms of intercourse through to mutual satisfaction and the experience of love? It took me a long time to let go of being the boss, the male, and allow a woman to be the initiator and to seduce me. Now I know why women love to be asked to dance. It’s incredibly validating to be asked. He needs to get that you are always having sex with him. He needs to surrender and experience the subtitles of your foreplay. No doubt he's climax oriented, if so, you might buy him a book on tantric sex.

Re: "...like most..." Not so.

Re: "Compliments." Compliments produce entirely different results than acknowledgments. (continue reading)

Your fatigue, while reasonable, is also indicative of the effects of an accumulation of withholds and non-verbalized acknowledgments. That is to say, thoughts, withheld for reasons, have mass and weight, they eventually sap your aliveness, your energy. For certain there are things (good and bad) for which you aren’t being acknowledged. Perpetrations, especially those you've withheld from everyone, from as far back as childhood, serve as barriers to the experience of aliveness, of love. Perhaps you believe you are above being verbally acknowledged each and every day, repeatedly, for picking up toys, shopping, and feeding the children. Not so. The experience of being completely acknowledged/gotten is a high-energy space. Imagine if you will God suddenly appearing in your kitchen and she says to you, "Hi, I was just in the neighborhood. I want you to know you're doing a great job. Absolutely perfect. Keep up the good work. Thank you. I love you." and then disappearing. That would be an experience of being gotten, of being acknowledged. You'd be high as a kite for quite a while. In fact, acknowledgment effects a transformation. You are not being acknowledged (praised, complimented & gifted, yes, but not acknowledged) for something, a good deed, a persistent thought (withhold) or a perpetration. Note: The word "completely" as used here is redundant. To be acknowledged is to be complete, in-integrity, whole, nothing missing, nothing added.

More about fatigue. Ask your family for support in letting all house chores slide (to include shopping, food preparation, cleaning and picking up) for a week, so that you can determine if your fatigue is physical or mental? The first few days will be mentally challenging, causing you anxiety as you watch things fall apart, but, resist picking up anything—they'll soon get that rest means rest. In preparation, buy all your favorite magazines, rent some DVDs, and check out a few great books from the library.

The "next level" I’m referring to includes clearings, also called be-withs (see The Clearing Process). It's your job to schedule be-withs every evening. Sit directly opposite each other and look into each other’s eyes. That which is incomplete in the relationship, those communications that need to be delivered or completed will pop up. If no thoughts pop up just look into each other’s eyes silently for 15 minutes (it's called being with another). That which you’re hiding will also pop up as an opportunity to share and deliver—or continue to hide. The more you hide the worse the relationship will get. The first few be-withs might not result in the experience of love, especially if you are not verbalizing everything, however, with intimate couples, communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously, through to mutual satisfaction, zero thoughts withheld, a be-with always results in the experience of love. This is true intercourse. It is virtually impossible for a man to maintain a condition of horniness, when he is in true communication, especially if what’s needed is to listen and to be compassionate, and to be in support of you getting to the truth of what’s going on with/between you. Being with another generates an experience of ecstasy which usually triggers more conversations and sharing. As it is now, you have trained him to ignore your nonverbal subtle communications, for which you make him wrong.

War-time has proved that men can go long periods of time without sex, so your husband can reprogram his mind to match your desire cycle. A few conversations will shift him back into service to you. Men get into an automatic sex rut in which they honestly believe that they want or need frequent sex. A man who has the time and energy for frequent sex has yet to find his purpose in life. A man on purpose is so busy that he is frequently exhausted at the end of the day, completely satisfied knowing he has served. His mind is full of anticipation of the next day's activities. Most importantly, the communication-leadership skills it takes to be on purpose (which include enrolling others in one's purpose) are the same skills it takes to have a relationship be mutually satisfying.

Thank you, Gabby

PS. You wrote, "We feel ... God brought us together." I trust you are acknowledging God equally (as appreciatively and as profoundly) for creating this problem—if you don't it suggests that you know that this problem is your creation. I'm wondering about your reasons for not sharing this problem with your pastor. One is either problem-free or they have their reasons. You most certainly knew, at some level, that a columnist's advice would not bring about a transformation. Most readers consider your letter to be similar to picking a therapist that one unconsciously knows will not get to the source of the problem, one they can con. "But I've tried everything. I even wrote to Dear ..." Notice that as nice and reasonable as the advice is, you will still have the same problem after reading it. If you look you'll see that you knew this before you wrote.

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