#4 Wife tired of husband's sex drive / Time for next level of intercourse

Dear Ann Landers: I adore my husband. We have been married for eight years and have two beautiful daughters. We feel our marriage is unique and that God brought us together. So, what is the problem? My husband would like sex every night. Once a week is enough for me. With two young children, I do not have the energy I once had, and like most women, my sex drive has decreased since the children came along.

My husband has done everything he can think of to "romance" me—he is generous with the compliments, brings home small gifts, gives me delightful massages and plays soft music. Nothing seems to work. Most women would die for a husband like this. Do you have any advice, Ann? I want to be the best wife I can be for this wonderful man. What can I do to promote a stronger sex drive? What is wrong with me? LETTING HIM DOWN IN N.C.

Dear N.C.: Nothing is "wrong" with you. You are just tired, like most women who have two children under 7 years of age. You need to make arrangements with a family member, close friend or paid housekeeper to take care of the children for a weekend, so you and your husband can have a mini-vacation to renew the romance. This should be done periodically. If you cannot manage a weekend, one night in a motel will do. Please follow through on this. It could make a world of difference. P.S. Meanwhile, how about a compromise— three times a week? —ANN LANDERS

Gabby's Response

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Gabby’s Response:

Hi N.C.: The source of this problem is that you aren't communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously with your husband. Deceit always produces less-than-desireable results.

Your letter reveals that you've been delivering specific thoughts non-verbally; specifically, "I only feel like having sex once a week," and, "I don’t like feeling as though I’m a failure." —and, that these thoughts are not being gotten. It appears you have been trying to work around having to deliver those specific truths, those communications, using those exact words, perhaps so as to not discourage him or even drive him away. In any case, it’s time for you both to go to the next level in intercourse. A whole new way of relating.

If I were him I’d have to be willing to acknowledge that the way I've been communicating (apparently unconsciously) with my loved one has had an invalidating effect on her, that I haven't created a safe space for her to communicate certain things. This reveals that there is something else he's trying to communicate to you. A conscious actualized man knows what kind of intercourse is appropriate. For him to want to communicate physically when you're communicating (non-verbally) otherwise indicates that his integrity is out. In short, his out-integrity has sapped his consciousness. You've both become stuck doing your imitation of communication with each other.

For example:

Him: "I want to talk about cars."

You: (verbally or non-verbally) "No. I want to talk about why I don't want to talk about cars."

Him: "No! We either talk about cars or I'll make you feel inadequate."

You: "Well alright (begrudge-begrudge—with your Molly Martyr hat on), we'll talk about cars.

If I were you I'd have to be willing to acknowledge:

1) That the way I have been communicating/relating with my husband causes him to continually beg for sex.

2) That I use sex to control my husband and to make him feel guilty for wanting sex.

I'm concerned that you don't mention that sex is great when you do have it. It is your responsibility to get certainty as to the source of the problem. A complete medical exam (blood tests, etc.) is in order as is a series of private (you alone at first) consultations with a counselor, therapist, or coach.

In brief, if physical intercourse isn't in the space, just what is in the space that begs other forms of intercourse through to mutual satisfaction and the experience of love? (intercourse meaning—all intentions both conscious and unconscious, and all verbal, non-verbal, physical and psychic emanations). It took me a long time to let go of being the boss, the male, and allow a woman to be the initiator and to seduce me.  Now I know why high school girls love to be asked to dance; it’s incredibly validating to be asked. He needs to get that you are always having sex with him. He needs to surrender and experience the subtitles of your foreplay. No doubt he's climax oriented, if so, you might buy a book on tantric sex, (read it out loud to each other together). Look for a Conscious-Breathing Breathwork Workshop—it introduces the phenomenal experience of breathing together—read this letter.

Re: ". . . like most women . . ." Not so.

Re: "Compliments." Compliments produce entirely different results than acknowledgments (continue reading).

Your fatigue is also symptomatic of the effects of an accumulation of a lifetime of withholds and non-verbalized acknowledgments. That is to say, thoughts, withheld for reasons, have mass and weight, they eventually sap your aliveness, your energy. For certain there are things (good and bad) for which you aren’t being acknowledged. Perpetrations, especially those you've withheld from everyone, from as far back as childhood, serve as barriers to the experience of aliveness, of love.  Perhaps you believe you don't require being verbally acknowledged each and every day, repeatedly, for picking up toys, shopping, and feeding the children. Not so. The experience of being completely acknowledged/gotten is a high-energy space. Imagine if you will, God suddenly appearing in your kitchen and He/She/It says to you, "Hi, I was in the neighborhood so I stopped by to let you know you're doing a great job. Absolutely perfect. Keep up the good work. Thank you. I love you." and then disappearing. That would be an experience of being gotten, of being acknowledged. You'd be high as a kite for quite a while. In fact, acknowledgment effects a transformation. You are not being acknowledged (praised, complimented & gifted, yes, but not acknowledged) for something—a good deed, a persistent thought (a withhold) or a perpetration.

Note: The word "completely" as used here is redundant. To be acknowledged is to be complete, in-integrity, whole, nothing missing, nothing added.

Another note: If you find yourself still doing chores when he's watching TV then you've conned him into using you. He should be as tired as you at the end of the day.

BTW: He has an exact equal number of thoughts he has been withholding from you. Can you imagine how unconscious he has been—to be sexing you oblivious to the fact that you're not truly in choice, not totally in-the-now, perhaps even pretending you like it?

More about fatigue: Ask your family for support in you taking a recess from all house chores and sex (to include shopping, food preparation, cleaning and picking up) for a full seven days, so that you can determine if your fatigue is physical or mental?  The first few days will be challenging, causing you anxiety as you watch things fall apart, but, resist picking up anything—they'll soon get that rest means rest. (This process works only if you can be trusted to not pick up even one single thing of theirs, nary a washed dish except for the one you need).smile They'd have to do it if you suddenly died so don't buy into the belief they need you. In preparation, buy all your favorite magazines, rent some DVDs, and check out a few great books from the library. Plan a few outings by yourself including a visit to a spa/massage parlor. Communicate to each, "hands off my things in the refrigerator" (things you'll buy/cook just for yourself).  For this to work your mantra must be "Get it yourself." None will die if they have dirty underwear and unbrushed teeth for week.

The "next level" I’m referring to includes clearings, also called be-withs (see The [free] Clearing Process). You must do it first and then invite him to do it. Then you both can do the free Clearing Process for Couples. It's your job to schedule be-withs every evening. Sit directly opposite each other and look into each other’s eyes. That which is incomplete in the relationship, those communications that need to be delivered or completed, will pop up. If no thoughts pop up continue looking into each other’s eyes silently for 15 minutes (it's called being with another). That which you are hiding will also pop up as an opportunity to share and deliver—or continue to hide. The more you hide the worse the problem will get. The first few be-withs might not result in the experience of love, especially if you are not verbalizing everything, however, a be-with between intimate couples, communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously, through to mutual satisfaction, zero significant thoughts withheld, always results in the experience of love and true intercourse.

 It is virtually impossible for a man to maintain a condition of horniness, when he is in true communication, especially if what’s needed is intentional compassionate listening and to be in support of you getting to the truth of what’s going on with/between you. Being with another generates an experience of ecstasy (a total mind-body awareness) which usually triggers more conversations and sharing. As it is now, you have trained him to ignore your subtle non-verbal (I don't want sex now) communications, for which you covertly make him wrong for being so inconsiderately unconscious.

War has proved that men can go a long time without sex so your husband can reprogram his mind to match your desire-cycle. A few conversations will shift him back into service to the Goddess in you. Much like a dog tugging on a leash until it has been centered (back to the walking beside you position) so too do men get into an automatic sex rut in which they honestly believe that they want or need frequent sex. A slight tug on his leash awakens him (heals him back into service).

A man who has the time and energy and an imagined need for frequent sex has yet to find his purpose in life. —Kerry

A man on-purpose, in service to others, is so busy that he is frequently exhausted at the end of the day, completely satisfied knowing he has served. His mind is full of anticipation of the next day's activities. Most importantly, the communication-leadership skills it takes to be on-purpose (which include enrolling others in support of one's purpose) are the same skills it takes to have a mutually satisfying relationship.

Thank you, Gabby

PS: You wrote, "We feel . . . God brought us together." Interesting that God would pair off a couple with disparate sex drives— Yes? I trust you are acknowledging God equally (as appreciatively and as profoundly) for creating this problem—if not it suggests that you know that this problem is your creation. I'm concerned about your reasons for not sharing this problem with your pastor. One is either problem-free or they have their reasons. You most certainly knew, at some level, that a columnist's advice would not bring about a transformation. Most readers consider your letter to be similar to picking a therapist that one unconsciously knows will not get to the source of the problem, one they can con. i.e. "But I've tried everything. I even wrote to Dear . . ." Notice that as nice and reasonable as the columnist's advice is, you will still have the same problem after reading it. If you look you'll see that you knew this before you wrote.

Additional thoughts: Some might use my reply to reinforce their position that premarital sex ensures similar libidos—except—you acknowledge that yours has "decreased" and is, ". . . not what it once was."  This suggests that at one time your appetites were similar. Perhaps not? If not, then perhaps you began deceiving him early on. Who knows what consequences you've created for yourself if you've been presenting yourself as an open and honest person.

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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 12/16/16)

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