A tip for
parents about creating a safe space for truths to be told.
The majority of
parents do not communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously with
each other. Between themselves they have accumulated dozens of
withholds, thoughts they hide from each other; unbeknownst to either
parent most of these withholds*
are childhood perpetrations, deceits, and abuses, stuff they’ve hidden
from themselves, their own parents, their child, and of course, each
other.**
Piled on top of a parent’s unacknowledged
childhood perpetrations are the deceits, abuses, and perpetrations
they’ve accumulated during the marriage. Most parents have lost, if
they ever had it, the ability to communicate spontaneously. They
have in fact unwittingly, non-verbally, given each other permission
to hide thoughts of choice from each other. The more thoughts each
parent hides from the other, and their child, the less space there
is for spontaneous communication. The child lives in fear of asking
what's right and wrong, of saying/doing the wrong thing.
A child can tell
when something is going on between his/her parents because the space
is different than it used to be. When all thoughts have been
communicated what’s left is the experience of love. When there has
been a
breakdown in communication
between parents it causes the child to be fearful and incomplete, to
be out-integrity (something is missing or has been added), it causes
the child's to go off-compass developmentally. The child stops
asking the thousands of seemingly innocuous "why?"
questions—questions essential for mature responsible development;
the child is missing the reassuring loving conversations he/she is
supposed to have had with each parent. The experience of love that once
was is no longer; it’s frightening. Some children can sense
where their parent's relationship must be heading (based solely upon
how abusive they communicate with each other, it hurts them deeply),
neither parent is aware that they are unconsciously masterminding a
divorce. The absence of mutually satisfying conversations prompts a
child to create his/her own reality so as to make it through each
day; he/she begins to live in a fantasy world of imaginations.
If you force a
child to live among secrets and deceits the child soon learns to
withhold his/her thoughts of choice. Among the thoughts such a child
withholds are the “sick” and “bad” ones, the ones they intuit from
earlier “test questions” that their parents would admonish them for having.
I.e. There's absolutely no space to ask questions about masturbation
so as to get validation that they are normal, and so they live daily
with the guilt.
A parent whose
child has perpetrated pedophilia was (and probably still is) so
bound up that he/she could not see the incompletes (beginning with
the first look of guilt) on their child’s face. The parent(s) were
so shut down that their child was not allowed to bring up certain
topics, to ask embarrassing questions, and to get certainty about
certain natural and normal curiosities. I’m certain that research would
reveal these parents were so embarrassed about sex, even of
talking about it, that they failed to give their child the “birds
and bees talk."
All pedophiles
were taught by their parent to stuff thoughts, to walk around daily
with incompletes. None were
cleared nightly. Read about a
Columbine parent.
For example:
As with most children, when a child and their friend played
“hospital” (euphemism for checking out each other’s genitalia) the
child knew with certainty he/she couldn’t share the amazing
discovery with either parent. When asked where they were, the child
compounds the deception by saying they were someplace other than
where they actually were, where they go for privacy. The parent’s
mind was so clouded, so full of hundreds of incompletes, it couldn’t
see the deception, it couldn’t hear the lie. All pedophilia begins
with a lie, a deception, a thought withheld, behaviors the child
learned from watching his/her parents. Without a safe space to share
thoughts sexual fantasies begin to become more elaborate, more
detailed, some become so real that the next step is to manifest the
fantasy. Here’s a bedtime clearing process for you
to do with your child(ren) in support of nurturing open, honest, and
spontaneous communication, no withholds.
A
Bedtime Clearing Process for Children.
*Withholds, thoughts withheld for reasons, serve as barriers to
the experience of love. Most married couples will tell you it's
been a long time (if ever) since their last experience of joy
and ecstasy with each other; most acknowledge that they can't
seem to look each other in the eyes any more except for brief
seconds throughout each day; they know they love each other but
the experience is missing.
** When
parents don't share their childhood perpetrations with their child
the child assumes that they are not as "good" as their parents. They
assume that their parents never did "bad" things; as such, a child
comes to believe that they (the child) is abnormal and driven to
deceive and withhold thoughts. This belief causes a child to have an
inaccurate picture of their parents, they are in fact trying to have
a relationship with someone they don't really know. Parents present
themselves as open and honest yet they withhold certain thoughts
from their child, as though they, the parents, are bigger than, more
capable of, handling the truth.