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Secret about girlfriend's incest / The effects
of my promise?
Dear Annie: My friend, "Zoe," and I are both 16.
We met this past year. On one of our first
nights hanging out together outside of school,
Zoe confessed that she had been severely
sexually abused by her father from the time she
was 4 until she was 13. She said she finally
told her mom and it was "all worked out." I told
Zoe I'd be there for her if she needed to talk.
Recently, she confessed that when she said it
was over, it really wasn't, but she swears it is
now. Her mom isn't divorcing her dad or calling
the police or anything. Furthermore, Zoe has a
brother who is a few years older and leads a
messed-up life. She thinks he was abused, too,
but she isn't sure. Annie, I don't know what to
do. Zoe made me promise not to tell anyone, but
I feel my priority as a friend is to do what is
best for her well-being. Unfortunately, I don't
know what that is. If I tell the police, I'm not
sure she will admit the abuse, in an effort to
protect her father. But if I don't say anything
he is likely to keep abusing her. Please help.
—Concerned in California
Annie's Reply:
Dear Concerned: You have a good head on your
shoulders, and Zoe is lucky to have you in her life.
Talk to your parents about this. If school is still
in session, they can decide if the school
authorities should be brought in. You or Zoe also
can contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline
(rainn.org) at (800) 656-4673. Meanwhile, tell Zoe
she owes it to herself and her brother to report the
abuse so it can be investigated, and so she can
receive counseling. You cannot force her, but she
should know you will stand beside her if she speaks
up. —Annie
Gabby's Reply:
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Hi Concerned: What a great letter, so
responsible of you. I'm betting a few
readers have experienced the
consequences of
also
having agreed to a secret
that ought not to have been made, or, of
living a secret that is having a negative
unhealthy effect on everyone.
Your parents were supposed to have told you
about the booby-trap nature of secrets;
—a secret affects ones integrity,
which affects outcomes, especially the
desirable ones. Creativity (and
learning) takes place in a spacious
mind; a mind partially occupied with incompletes (secrets)
keeps producing more of the same
less-than-desirable results.
—a
secret (also referred to as a withhold)
automatically creates breakdowns
in communication with
everyone.
A secret begins to effect your spontaneity;
your non-verbal emanations communicate
that something's "out," —there's something
in the space. It creates a micro-tell experience
of confusion of incompleteness. The
micro-expressions
of your face muscles are begging for
acknowledgment, "Hey! Ask me what's wrong
and, intend that I answer."
—it's the way the mind covertly,
unconsciously, asks for support in restoring
its integrity.
Genuine communication (as opposed to
talking) is spontaneity.
More accurately it goes like this:
It's unethical to create space for
another to dump stuff in your mind that
then creates a problem, or presents you
with an ethical dilemma. Worse,
it puts you in the blame mode, blaming
another for a problem you created.
Friends simply don't do that to friends.
Notice that Zoe supports you in being
deceitful with your parents. It's
unethical to ask someone to not tell
others something. Zoe manipulated you
into not telling others—this conflicts
with your own ethics. She
does not know that incest and pedophilia
are not things one is supposed to keep
quiet about.
Because of your maturity you have inspired
confidence and trustworthiness and so you
have been introduced to the booby-trap
nature of secrets. Most of us learn by
making the mistake of agreeing to keep a
secret that then turns into a conspiracy of
ever-growing deceit. The secret-keeper is no
longer a person of integrity. A person who
operates from integrity (an honest person)
can tell in a nano-second that a
secret-keeper is hiding (withholding)
something; they might not know what it is
but they know there's something in the space
where communication used to take place. The
openness, the aura of honesty is somewhat
clouded over. A secret causes a breakdown
in communication.
Your parents should have told you earlier to
let friends know, "I'm no good with secrets
so don't tell me anything you don't want
others to know. My parents and I talk about
everything, we don't hide anything from each
other."
Your concern reveals that you don't have
open and honest communication between you
and your folks else you would have already
discussed this with them with the confidence
of knowing that it would be handled
appropriately. You have a few withholds with
them about intelligence, respect, trust, and
hypocrisy. That you would create these
experiences, these conversations, now
portends a wonderful future.
It could be said that you unconsciously set
up your friend to dump this secret in your
lap in support of you being open and honest
with your parents. This is your integrity at
work putting the finishing touches on your
personal growth and character. It's one of
those forks in the road. You will either
commit to being open and honest and
spontaneous with your parents, and therefore
your relationship-partners for life, or, you
will bring your already ingrained pattern of
withholding thoughts from say, your future
husband, as you do now with your parents.
All (yes
all) divorced couples will attest
that their marriage started to go south when
they chose to withhold thought number-one
from their partner—usually on or before the
first date. Now is the time to practice
communicating openly and honestly and
spontaneously with your parents.
Notice also that you have not discussed your
concerns with Zoe. This is another example
of how ingrained your pattern of withholding
thoughts has become. A person committed to
being in-integrity could no more have walked
away from that conversation with Zoe than
they could ignore a grain of sand in their
eye. You felt as badly and as confused then,
as she was telling you her drama, as you do
now; something was sapping your
consciousness, you didn't spontaneously
share your considerations at the moment with
her. Now you are even more
out-integrity, dragging this problem around
from class to class trying to learn subject
matter with this crap occupying your mind.
The problem reveals that you were
out-integrity about something before that
conversation with Zoe; you had been hiding
something from your parents—but that's
another letter.
Here's an example of what that conversation
with Zoe could have been:
"Wow
Zoe. I sure am uncomfortable with the
thought of having to keep that a secret
from my parents; we are committed to
talking about everything, no secrets.
Your Mom should have reported the abuse
to the police. She should have insisted
upon counseling and most importantly she
should have initiated a divorce. It's
not only unethical of your Mom to submit
you to the remote possibility that it
may happen again, it's illegal (it's
referred to as co-conspiracy). It
reveals how much therapy she needs, that
she could be so unconscious, so not in
communication with your Dad, that she
couldn't tell what was going on right
under her nose. Can you see this? Do you
get what I'm saying? Do you see that
your silence rewards (and now becomes
cause) for abuse? Do you see that your
Mom is sick and needs help? I need you
to tell me that you know this. Would you
be willing to tell your mother that if
she doesn't report this to the
authorities that she leaves you no
option but to report them yourself? It's
so bad Zoe that if you don't do this,
you'll leave me no choice but to tell my
folks whom I'm certain will ask you the
same questions. They will ask you to ask
your Mom to turn herself in or they will
have no choice but to report your
parents. Your's is a cry for help. When
will you tell her?"
As you read this reply your mind began
manufacturing considerations (thoughts and
reasons) as to why you couldn't tell Zoe,
"Tell your Mom to report herself to child
welfare or that I will
have to tell my parents."
Those thoughts are just considerations. If
you believe them (buy into them) those
reasons will serve as barriers to the
experience of communication between you and
everyone for the rest of your life.
That's
how important this fork in the road is. It's
so important that it's one of those rare
instances in which I'm not willing to be in
communication with you until you can tell me
that you've confided with your parents about
this. For me to not issue this ultimatum to
you would make me the enabler of the sex
abuse between Zoe and her Dad. Your promise,
your secret, is having a powerful effect on
many lives. —Gabby
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Last edited 12/10/21
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