Gabby's Reply:

Hi Middle: Not. One thing's for certain, you are not in the middle; you are in fact the leader, way out in front of this drama parade. Now would be a good time to remind yourself that your leadership-communication skills have both inspired and rewarded this behavior from the very first such communication; in truth you brought this skill into the relationship. As long as you keep communicating as you have they have no choice but to follow your unconscious intentions. Note: "Skill" as used here refers to your ability to cause friction and abuse. Re: "losing my mind" Too late. You've already lost it. The mind that got you this far, the one that created this problem, can only create more of the same. For example: "I probably spend" and, "simply because their mother needs my help" and, ". . . seems petty to me." —these statements reveal that you are in denial and that your defintion of responsibility is missing the word "cause." I assure you Roger's wife does not need your help. What you're calling help is enabling her and ironically causing her to disrespect you. Whenever you see two at odds with each other always look for the third party (the unconscious instigator) standing in the wings pretending to be everyone's ally. In this case you've got two instigators. Your sons should have nipped this in the bud and they haven't; that's your far greater leadership problem. However unconscious they both may be they are in fact supporting the girls in abusing you, (I use the word "girls" here to draw attention to the fact that they are both stuck in teen behaviors en route to becoming women.) Yes, it is abuse—you are inciting (causing) it and all four are responding to your leadership. Son's not addicted to abuse would have said to both women, "We need to have a family clearing so as to get to the source of this accusation that Mom is being unfair. To persist in accusing our Mom of being unfair is abusive." The fact that your sons silently nonverbally condone this behavior indicates that they believe the girls. Though possibly not accurate with their accusations, the girls are in fact serving some purpose; the girls are delivering resentments, communications that represent communications both sons are afraid to deliver to you themselves. Both sons have dozens of thoughts, judgments and perpetrations, they have been withholding from you. I don't get from your letter that you are willing to do whatever it takes to complete this pattern. Unbeknownst to you this problem reveals that you need leadership-communication skills coaching. If you don't get help you will continue to blame them as though they are cause. They all will pass this pattern of creating friction and blaming loved ones on to their children. Notice I do not offer specific advice as to what to say or how to clean up the mess. Why? Because you are you and any advice I would offer could not work, you wouldn't be able to implement it effectively. Presently all you have to do is say something, or say nothing, and it produces more of the same. Standing silently in the room you simply don't command respect. People don't treat those they respect as they are you. It's your very ground of being (all your beliefs, all you believe to be true) that causes this. What's required is a transformation (on your part.) Once you've transformed yourself (read healed) there will be no space for such games to be played. You'll notice that the longer you put off coaching/counseling the more you will cause them to abuse you, and your sons. Yes, your sons. They also are addicted to this drama but soon they will tire of it. Wait too long and you'll be dealing with the contents of their messy divorces. —Gabby P.S. One thing you'll discover in the leadership-communication-support skills curriculum is that the truth always disappears problems. You have not been telling the truth to anyone; especially you haven't told each girl what it feels like to be accused of bias. Also, what each girl says is what they are upset about is not at all what each are upset about. Persistent and inappropriate upsets are always about an earlier and similar incident, an incomplete. Clue: It's not necessarily an incomplete with you. Each treated their own mom like they are you and have yet to be acknowledged for that abuse. Read more about clearing and emptying your mind through The Clearing Process (it's free). It will give you some sense of how to create a safe space for them to tell the truth. Comments Add Image   Not using Html Comment Box  yet? Use this Comment form for comments/feedback. To ask a question please go to Dear Gabby's Message Board (free - registration required). Last edited 12/10/21 [ top ]