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Woman
confused by desires to cheat /
Gabby would have titled it: Is my deceit causing problem to persist?
Dear Annie: I have been in a serious relationship
with "Clark" for over two years. He's the man of my
dreams, and I love him more than words can say. We
are open, honest and loyal to each other, and we get
along great. We get through hard times better than I
ever imagined.
Here's the problem: Lately, I've had trouble keeping
my eyes on only him. I have this feeling inside that
makes me want to run off and have random intimate
relations with complete strangers.
I have never cheated in my relationship and don't
ever plan to, but a part of me wants to, even though
I love Clark completely. I don't want to come off as
a promiscuous person, because I'm not. Is there any
way you can help me? - Confused
Canadian
Annie's Reply:
Dear Confused: Sometimes, out-of-control desires can
indicate medical problems such as hormonal
imbalances. It's also possible that you are simply
scared of the depth of your commitment to Clark. It
can be frightening to fall so completely in love,
and finding "the one" means there won't be any
others. This can create a sense of panic and, in
some cases, a subconscious need to wreck the
relationship, partly to get out and partly because
you don't feel you deserve such a great guy. First
see a doctor for a complete check-up, and then talk
to a therapist. You need to sort this out before you
do some thing you will regret. —Annie
Gabby's Reply:
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Hi Confused: A problem persists because
there's a lie somewhere. Your lie is easy to
see because you revealed it for us. "We are
open, honest and loyal to each other . . ." You are
not being open and honest with him; you
haven't shared this problem with him. That's
called deceit. Coincidentally, he also
is not being open and honest with you (keep
reading). You've been living a lie. The lie
has caused your problem (an unwanted
condition) to persist.
You have
several other problems of which you appear
to be unaware. Foremost you have been
presenting yourself to your boyfriend as
being open and honest. As such he hasn't
been having a relationship with the real
you, only with your "honest-act." This
deceit cannot but have undesirable
consequences.
Secondly, you have a
misunderstanding of the word "loyal." You
have mastered talking; now it's time to
begin studying communication. Not the "intro
. . ." and "about . . ." courses offered in
colleges. Included in a communication
curriculum for leaders is the subject of withholds and
their effects. Withheld thoughts have mass,
they occupy space, they serve as barriers to
being here now and to the experience of
communication. To be
secretly thinking about other men is not
loyal. All cheating
begins with thoughts such as yours.
That you wrote is not necessarily a sign
that you intend to clean up this perpetration (it's
a perpetration because you feel badly for
withholding, for the deceit). You could be
conning yourself. How would you feel if you
discovered he has been thinking about other
women while making love with you, or having
thoughts of robbing a bank, or of having sex
with children without ever sharing such
thoughts verbally with you? I say verbally
because you are communicating
your problem non verbally. It's just that he
has equally as many withholds with you and
so he's unconscious also; he can't see that
you have something rattling around in your
mind. A clear person (one with all withholds
verbally delivered) can experience that
another is withholding something.
Another problem is that you have not been
in-communication with him. No matter what
you think, or how great things have been,
it's all been produced via talking—talking
produces different results than does
communication. When two are in communication
with each other (open, honest, spontaneous
communication, no thoughts withheld) the
experience is uplifting and enlivening. It's
transformational. It's profound. Such a
relationship is then said to be
in-integrity. When a relationship is
in-integrity it's virtually impossible for
either to withhold a thought except that
it's revealed in the eyes (actually its a
vibrational-aura thing; a withhold is
communicated non-verbally revealing
that something's in the space). A
thought withheld becomes as urgent to be
shared as is the need to defecate—which when
you don't act upon the first few signs (with
a withhold the first sign is your
conscience) most always becomes messy. If a
thought is accompanied with mind-chatter
such as, "Should I tell or not tell?" it's a
withhold. Couples who communicate openly and
honestly always look each other in the eyes
unwaveringly, no avoiding, no glancing away
with certain subjects. The ability to be
with one, to look one in the eyes for at
least five minutes in a row (without a
thought popping up that needs to be shared)
pretty much assures that the relationship is
in-integrity. A partner who can't/won't do
that is hiding something; there
are no exceptions to this phenomenon.
Here's another, perhaps even more
surprising, problem. You are using what's
referred to in communication coaching lingo
as the Adversarial Communication Model. It's
taught and used nationwide by all public
school educational professionals.
People addicted to this model (most are
unaware that they are addicted to it)
automatically and unconsciously magnetically
attract partners who are equally addicted to
withholding their thoughts of choice also.
There exists between such couples an implied
non-verbal agreement, a contract, that it's
OK to withhold certain thoughts if the
reason is good enough. Which brings me to
one more problem. Your boyfriend has a
biggie he also is withholding from you
(often the mind considers the "biggie" a
deal-breaker and so it justifies the
deceit—for fear of . . .).
Now here's
the most important part of my reply: Your
thoughts are normal and healthy. Most
everyone has such thoughts from time to
time. Most couples hide such thoughts; the
hiding of thought #1 begins the breakdown
in communication leading
to a divorce. The first thought
withheld is the beginning of the end of any
possibility of the relationship growing and
expanding, it succumbs to mediocrity. All divorces, yes
all, began with a withhold on or
before the first date; there no exceptions
to this phenomenon.
I recommend that
you do The
Clearing Process (it's
free). It will support you in acknowledging
your withholds, firstly to yourself; it also
has instructions on how to do a one-to-one
couples-clearing (also free)—it supports
couples being in-integrity. It's an amazing
wonderful experience.
With aloha,
Gabby
BTW: Your use of the word
"lately" did not go unnoticed. During a
consultation with a communication-skills
coach you could recall the exact incident
(the very first) that triggered the shift,
the start of this behavior. Most bury such
turning-point interactions under layers of
other thoughts making it extremely difficult
to access using ones own mind.
Use this Comment form for comments/feedback.
To ask a question please go to Dear
Gabby's Message Board (free
- registration required).
Last edited
11/27/21)
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