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Dear Lost Love: You are addicted to being incomplete, to deceitfully dragging around problems. "... NO idea." Stop kidding yourself. He knows something is missing. Your face (your aura) belies your deceit. It's missing the experience of joy and happiness that comes through communication. It's not the face of a loving person who is whole and complete, in service, and happy. You unconsciously, non-verbally, dump your problem, your incomplete, in the space of everyone with whom you interact. You dramatize your problem around those whom you've attracted—your equally unconscious friends. This condition doesn't speak well of your friends, none conscious enough to ask, "What's going on with you? You look like you're not here, that you're worrying about something." Those that might experience your pretense of being with them don't have the integrity to mention it. I suspect some have tried to get into communication with you and found it to be impossible and they have since stopped interacting with you. Such a withhold serves as a barrier to the experience of communication. All that you have been doing these past years is merely the imitation of communication. Part of your problem is that you aren't telling (living from) the truth. Just because you are unaware of your lies doesn't mean they don't have consequences. Notice that nothing has changed. You weren't telling the truth to Tommy back then, and now you aren't telling the truth, sharing your thoughts and feelings, with your husband; and, you aren't even telling the truth to yourself—"I called him to say hello." And, "It seems unfair ..." Seems? Given that you are still unconscious it's for sure your memory is inaccurate. Daily you deceive your husband, sneakily carrying on this warped relationship behind his back. You arrogantly think he's not capable of getting and understanding. You present yourself to your husband and children as an honest person while deceiving all of them. None are having a relationship with the real you because you have hidden the deceitful sneaky part. You can't begin to imagine the damage your deceit has done to your children. They are confused. They are trying to become like their picture of you, honest, truthful, etc. Little do they know that you are normal, that you lie and deceive as much as the rest of us. They have been striving and failing daily to not lie or deceive, especially you. They don't know why they have no choice but to hide thoughts from you (you non-verbally imprinted this behavior on them). Via intra-personal communication they continually berate themselves for their daily deceits and withholds from you; they believe that they aren't being as good as you were when you and their father were teens. Also, they are awesomely brilliant and perceptive; they know that something's wrong and they can't figure out why mommy isn't in present-time. They believe that this mental estrangement has something to do with them. They honestly believe that they are the cause for your unrest, your detachment. I know you believe you've hidden it well and that you don't dramatize your incomplete with them but that's just part of your denial package. You are so unconscious, so preoccupied with this incomplete and its possibilities, that you have been unaware of the consequence of ripping off your husband. Can you imagine what life would be like for him if he had a wife who absolutely adored him and only him—someone who coveted no one else? You selfishly hold on to him thereby keeping him from having what he knows at some level is possible. He thinks the distance, which you have not allowed yourself to experience, has to do with his own inadequacies. To have perpetrated this fraud on another accidentally has had its own set of consequences; if after reading this you chose to withhold, the consequences will be premeditated and compounded. Now here's the kicker: Just as your parents taught you to deceive, to withhold thoughts, so too are you teaching your children to withhold their choice thoughts from you and others. Because you don't yet know at the level of natural knowing (that deceit serves as a barrier to communication) you attempt to coach your children by espousing truths hypocritically. That is to say, they'll have an excellent understanding of sex and pregnancy, they will know a lot about the subject, but for some inexplicable reason (because the truths were delivered from a mind that was out-integrity) they won't be able to automatically choose responsibly. That which we know-about we don't yet know. When truths are communicated they get gotten; when the very same truths are uttered (spoken, presented, said, talked about) by a person who is out-integrity the truths get understood but not known; it's said that they are not actionable, not acted upon automatically. Notice that you cleverly, albeit unconsciously, chose a husband whom you could control, one who was so unconscious that he couldn't see that you were, and have been, dragging around a huge incomplete. What this reveals is that he also is hiding something huge from you. The implied contract withholders bring to their relationships is permission and support to withhold thoughts of choice from each other. This withholding behavior condemns a relationship to mediocrity from which it seldom escapes if both keep using the communication model they were taught when young. The solution? Keep doing what you've been doing until it begins to affect your health and/or the results those around you are producing. You are the leader; no one can win big time around you until you decide to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously. You might wonder why I don't advise you to tell your husband the truth? It's because you not only won't, you simply can't—such is your addiction to being incomplete, to deceit. It usually takes a negative circumstance to motivate an addict; an illness, job-loss, divorce, or another's death. In support of acknowledging/completing life's incompletes check out The Clearing House it's free. Yours is a great letter because most everyone is withholding some comparable thought from his or her loved one—and, most, after reading this, will not come clean with their partner. —GabbyLast edited 3/15/22 Comments To ask a question please go to Dear Gabby's Message Board (free - registration required).
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