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Pastor's wife with a past could cause havoc /
Hater hating herself for lying and blaming
DEAR ABBY: Being a pastor of a church, I had to
respond to the letter from "Hates Hypocrites in
Washington." She's the woman who discovered that
the new associate pastor's wife, "Millie," is
the same woman who broke up her marriage, in
addition to having had a "history," so to speak.
The senior pastor is probably aware of at least
some of what she wrote about - that Millie has
had two previous marriages, countless affairs
and did time in prison for drugs. However, on
the off chance that he doesn't, "Hates
Hypocrites" should say something.
As you suggested, she needs to introduce herself
to the woman in question: Millie's reaction will
give her a pretty good idea of whether she has
had a change of heart in recent years. If Millie
hasn't, then the writer needs to go quietly to
the pastor, approaching it from the standpoint
of, "I hope Millie has turned over a new leaf
since all of this, but you need to know that
..."
I have seen firsthand what can happen when not
enough questions are asked when a staff person
comes into a church. While I hope and pray that
Millie has learned from her mistakes, that may
not be the case. —THE REV. CHET THOMAS, DAWSON,
GA
Abby's Reply:
DEAR REV. THOMAS: Although
I am reluctant to see anyone "carry tales" that
could ruin a career—specifically the associate
pastor's - I bow to your expertise.
You are not the only clergyperson who weighed in on
this one. Read on: —ABBY
DEAR ABBY: I am an ordained minister and pastoral
counselor. While it's traditional in many churches,
simply being a pastor's spouse in no way qualifies
someone to teach marriage classes any more than
being a doctor's wife qualifies her to teach CPR.
That she knows first hand where the pitfalls are
does not make her an expert on how to form healthy
relationships and avoid adultery, drugs, prison,
etc.
Whether or not this pastor's wife, "Millie," may
have repented of her sin and amended her life, she
is still responsible for her past behavior, and one
of its consequences is that her credibility as an
expert on marriage may rightfully be questioned. Nor
should one assume that all pastors' marriages are
exemplary. Since clergy families live highly public
lives, whatever flaws this marriage has are on
public display, and given Millie's past, one would
assume there might be many that come to light.
The woman's real value to a marriage class could be
as an example of one who has acknowledged her
failing and changed her ways, and shows openness to
learn from others who have had longer, more healthy
relationships - but not if she hides her past and
pretends to be something she's not. —MARY KRAHN,
BEMUS POINT, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: If it is true that the new associate
pastor's wife broke up the writer's marriage, and
has a history of similarly disruptive behavior
elsewhere, then the woman represents a potentially
destructive force in that congregation. As a parish
minister of nearly 30 years, I can see the red flags
flying high on this one.
"Hates Hypocrites" should notify the appropriate
denominational officials of whatever larger body
this church is affiliated with and let them take
whatever action they feel may be warranted. This is
not about "Hates Hypocrites" getting revenge; it is
about protecting the stability and well being of the
congregation. —THE
REV. STEPHEN EDINGTON, NASHUA, NH
Gabby's Reply:
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Dear Rev Thomas:
How perfect that Millie has once again come
into HH's (Hates Hypocrites) life. HH is
still stuck dramatizing her divorce and
blaming Millie. It appears that HH is well
on the road to completing her divorce
because at some level she's beginning to
recognize her own hypocrisy, that of lying
and telling her community that someone else
is responsible for driving her husband into
the arms of another.
Re: Rev. Thomas'
advice, "If Millie hasn't, then the writer
needs to go quietly to the pastor." "Hasn't"
here refers to hasn't
changed, as opposed to, Millie hasn't
told the reverend about her past. I would
prefer to have read, "HH should confront
Millie and ask her if she has told the
reverend about her past. If Millie says no,
ask her if she's be willing to do so.
And if Millie says, "no," then HH should
tell Millie, "I will." To go directly to the
pastor without giving Millie a chance to
acknowledge her past would be badmouthing.
The same goes for REV. Edington's advice
to badmouth Millie by going behind her back
to the head of the church rather than
confronting Millie and her husband first. A
person of integrity goes to the source of
the problem; in this case HH should talk to
Millie and ask if she has told her husband,
the new associate pastor, all that she, HH,
wants him to know, all that she believes
Millie has hidden from her husband. She
could then ask the new associate pastor to
inform the senior pastor about everything
and that she, HH, would like the senior
pastor to inform the head of their church.
There is wisdom in having as many people as
possible know about Millie's previous
addictions, so that everyone can support her
on her new path. For more on how to
responsibly handle perpetrations observed,
known, or hidden from other's, read about
the military
code of honor.
REV.
Edington also reveals a bias based on a
misunderstanding about responsibility, as to
who causes a divorce. He writes, "If it is
true that the new associate pastor's wife
broke up the writer's marriage . . ." What's
also true is that the writer, HH, masterminded
her own divorce. However unconscious she may
have been it was her
leadership-communication skills that created
space for her husband to wander. That she
could not experience her husband's
deceptions, withholds, and lies, during his
affair with Millie, indicates that her
integrity was so out that she could not see
for "the mote in her own eye." To this day she
evidences the same blaming behaviors that
serve as a barrier to the experience of
communication which virtually drives anyone
out of her life.
Great letter. —Gabby
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Last edited 12/9/21
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