My son is ignoring me

My son is ignoring me / How do I get into communication with my son?

Dear Annie: We have a 52-year-old married son. He and his wife didn't acknowledge our 55th wedding anniversary. When I asked him why, he said, "What's the big deal?" I know if it were his wife's parents, it would have been a big deal.

We live in the same town, and through the years, they only call if they want something. They have never once asked us how we are or if we need anything. My daughter-in-law's parents always come first. They go to her folks' for every occasion. I gave up on holiday meals long ago.

This bothers us to no end. I've talked to my doctor because my blood pressure has been very high lately. We also spoke to our pastor. Both said we should write a letter expressing our feelings. Is this the right thing to do? —No Respect

Annie's Reply:

Dear No Respect: If you can write the letter without complaining or making accusations, it can be a good way to re-establish communication.

The letter should state that you love your son and his family, and you miss them. If you want to add general family news, by all means include it, but don't turn it in to a diatribe about how unfair or neglectful they are. Keep it simple and see how it goes. —Annie

Gabby's Reply:

Hi No Respect: Congrats on 55 years. Such a great letter. Millions of parents have created similar situations. I'm so pleased you wrote.

What you're looking at is the difference in results between talking (what you learned in schools and through parents, teachers and clergy) and communicating (not taught or learned in education systems). Are you willing to acknowledge that your present leadership-communication skills, how you (not "us") have been talking/relating with your son, have created a breakdown in communication?

You have trained your son to withhold acknowledgments; specifically, he's non-verbally withholding certain extremely uncomfortable, possibly judgmental, upsetting/embarrassing thoughts from you; a lifetime of unacknowledged perpetrations. Consequently, he's unconscious about the "acknowledgment process" and things for which you'd like to be acknowledged.

You have yet to learn how to create a safe space for the truth to be told so he has had no choice other than to dramatize his disrespects of you. You have become stuck doing your imitation of communication with him; you're not getting his communication so he has to keep repeating himself (non-verbally).

BTW: Underneath his withholds and make-wrongs of you he absolutely loves you. Just as you have caused this situation so too does he (at some level of consciousness) know that he has caused it.

In other words, he is acknowledging you, he's just doing it irresponsibly and non-verbally. He's communicating so many things to you that it's virtually impossible to identify any single incomplete, any single childhood issue, having to do with upsets and thoughts of resentment and disrespect (we're talking hundreds of withholds between the two of you). Guess who taught him to communicate this way? And no, it ain't "we" or "us." In this matter you have been and always will be the leader.

Re: "My son is ignoring me." This is a blame statement. Stated responsibly it would read, [I've caused my son to ignore me] or, [I need support in identifying what I've done to cause my son to ignore me]. Your addiction to blaming is, no doubt, one of his reasons (not the truth) for him not wanting to be in verbal communication with you; he has discovered that it's extremely unsettling and unhealthy to engage in conversations with someone addicted to blaming and arguing.

Re: "We also spoke with our pastor." Your unconscious use of the word "we" is more blame; in this matter you have been and always will be the leader. Notice that you had no intention for your pastor's advice to work. Communication Coaches attest to the fact that rarely do clerics ask for support communicating effectively with persistently troubled parishners. Such clerics do not inspire personal integrity; most parishners are hiding (withholding) one or more significant thoughts from someone of significance, including their pastor. Clergy talk about and espouse honesty, "but some deceit is OK" is what gets communicated non-verbally, even amongst themselves. There are few exceptions to this phenomenon. A person who operates from integrity inspires honesty and fidelity. Recently (12/5/21) the Pope declared, "...sins of the flesh aren't that serious." In other words, deceiving one's spouse is not advised but it's not a big "don't do it" sin. Non-verbally it communicates; "I talked with God and He says you have "my" permission to keep deceiving your spouse, as long as you keep tithing me."

You could begin by asking yourself, "What did I do to drive my son out of my life?" but I don't think your mind will allow you to get to the truth. There's too much blame going on; notice that you're covertly blaming him for your high blood pressure (read Communications in Support of Health).

Your consideration, your hesitation, about writing him is intuitively correct; if you continue using your present leadership-relationship communication model, the way you relate and interact, to express your "feelings" you would only produce more of the same.

One way to get to the truth of your cause in this matter is for you (alone) to enroll in a minimum of 25 (50 minute) sessions of counseling, keeping to the front of your mind during each session—What must I have done? What has the genius in me been up to that I would intend (albeit unconsciously) this condition? Who in my life would say that I am treating them the same way my son treats me? And the biggie—Who else am I blaming for the effects of my leadership-communication skills? —all the while focusing on completing your relationship with your parents. Keep in mind, it's most likely that the first ten times you ask yourself for the truth your mind will hide the incomplete from you. It (your mind) has hidden it, the specific incident, the fork in the road, even from itself (the incident, before which you were always hugging each other).

An alternative to counseling/therapy is to schedule a single free 3-hr consultation with a communicologist (a communication-skills coach); a coach is skilled at getting to the truth, typically, one session is all that's required. Note: It's rare to find a therapist who has studied communication for as many hours/years as has a communicologist—most therapists require return visits, most send you home to the same abusive environment. A coach will not accept a client who intends to continue interacting another 24-hours with an equally abusive partner. Note: All spouse abuse is equally co-created.

I advise a specific letter to your son (see sample below) however, your daughter-in-law is an entirely different subject matter—notice that she (consciously/unconsciously) supports him in treating you abusively—she'll require that you complete an even more advanced leadership-communication skills course. Once you've begun studying communication your son will begin to emulate the new you, not through interacting with him but via intention and emanations—psychically transmitted waves of love and support—minus your present irritating non-verbal waves of make-wrong and blame. Your newly acquired skills (actually it's a transformed ground of being from which communications are generated) will eventually get passed on to his wife by his example. Please do not misunderstand me, I don't recommend that you try to change your son. He has had no choice other than to behave this way; he is merely mirroring you. The minute you open your mouth (or enter the room) it triggers a Pavlovian-like response. Once you shift your ground of being, from blame to cause, he'll have nothing to resist; then he'll begin to have choices. He presently has no choice other than to communicate as he does.

To have the kind of relationship you say you'd like with your son you'll have to (as in must) be willing to let go of him and start all over again. You'll be attempting to reprogram your computer (your mind, your neural pathways); the communication mastery curriculum is much like getting a degree in medicine or law (but starting now at your present age) and, it could take ten or more years for you to become skilled (to be able to consistently create and sustain mutually satisfying supportive conversations, ergo a satisfying relationship with him). It could be said that you're back a few moments before his conception; this time, now that you're more conscious, you'll choose to not have him, knowing full well that you weren't then, and still are not, ready to raise a child who honors and respects his parents. Ouch! In other words, you brought your present adversarial communication model, your programming, into your impregnation-communication. Now is the time to study and get ready for parenthood. Your golden years could be awesome (read Grand parenting—a primer).

BTW: A coach would advise him to not allow his children to interact with you because your addiction to blaming will be transmitted non-verbally within just a single interaction; that's how powerful you are.

Another BTW: I expect that you'll soon cause his divorce. One can't achieve and maintain things working (health, happiness, prosperity, and satisfaction) while perpetrating abuses on another(s). In other words, you have set him up to abuse you for which he will punish himself. Few CEOs experience happiness and joy throughout each day, most are deceiving/abusing others; their spouses and parents support/enable the abuse.

His, "What's the big deal?" is abusive. It's not how he would answer God if He/She/It asked. Therefore, his treatment of you (the karma of his behavior) is having undesirable consequences for him and his relationships.* He's stuck treating others (including his wife) the same way. He's waiting for you to learn so that you can teach him how to acknowledge others in a way that feels good.

Here's an important BTW: It's not your fault. Public school teachers are not taught the subject of acknowledgment as a communication variable; they have yet to master, and therefore can't teach, the subject of acknowledgment. Their graduates (the voting public) continually acknowledge dissatisfactions with their educations by keeping teachers pathetically begging for pay raises and school supplies. Nary a teamster, many former "C" students, drawing twice the wages of their mentors (teachers), think to campaign in support of wage parity for teachers (pay as an acknowledgment). Read the Teacher's Pay Conversations Project.

Here's a sample letter:

Dear son, I've decided to take a recess from our relationship. Something about the way I have been communicating and relating with you hasn't been working for me. I continually find myself not feeling good and blaming you—a definite no-no in the parenting game. Please honor my wishes to not call, write, leave messages, or send gifts, until you hear from me again. I'm immersing myself in counseling/coaching to get to the source of what's going on for me. I'll contact you again after six-months to let you know if I am clear enough to once again engage in conversations with you and your wife, specifically, mutually satisfying communications. Also, if you'd like, I'll pay 50% of any counseling sessions you might want for yourself; have the therapist send me the invoice. Experience tells me that nothing you could say or write at this time would feel good to me. Once again, please respect my wishes. If this shocks you it gives you some sense of how much I miss our hugs.

—send via, "Return Receipt Requested." Also keep a copy for yourself so that you can occasionally refresh your mind about this conscious fork in the road.

Part of what such a letter will model for him is to not engage in repeated conversations with anyone addicted to abuse. He is blind to the fact that he is abusing you and that it's an addiction. Conversely, you are addicted to abusing and to being abused; you are a drama addict. I assure you the same stuff is going on in his marriage. Without your positive support it will be more of a challenge for him to be whole and complete. Notice, to his credit, he does understand that one way to maintain a semblance of completeness is to interact with you as little as possible.

An estrangement letter will be shocking to him; it might trigger his guilt, and, like an alcoholic who has been threatened with divorce, he might promise anything and even be more acknowledging for a few days or weeks; however, his addiction to abusing and to being abused will eventually take over again and he'll start [drinking] again.

Notice that you are not acknowledging him for what he needs to be acknowledged, his abuse of you. You are in fact irresponsibly communicating your resentments non-verbally. He's non-verbally begging for the Drill Instructor Mom to teach him how to acknowledged others.

Your letter suggests that it's time for you to reap the benefits that come from a life of service, of motherhood, all you know to be possible and that you deserve. —With aloha, Gabby

* If you or your husband are, say, alcoholics, habitual ineffectual complainers, abuse enablers (i.e. supported Trump), considered by others to be mentally unstable, into something illegal, or are addicted to racism, sexism, drugs, or if you are condescendingly religious, then your son is acting consistent with his integrity by choosing to not interact with you. It would be suicidal of him to choose to interact with you knowing that it would bring him down. It would be unethical and hypocritical of him to hang around you (judging you non-verbally) if he can't support your beliefs or the way you behave. He would need your specifically requested permission to support you in changing. I.e. SON: "Mother, I need to hear you say— 'Son, you have my permission to coach and correct me when a communication of mine doesn't feel good; I promise I will not argue with your feedback.'" However, the way he has estranged himself is abusive which is out-integrity for him; it has undesirable consequences for him and those with whom he relates. There is a way to estrange oneself from another responsibly, Ask Gabby how. I recommend that you do The [free] Clearing Process —you could invite him to do it but I doubt that he would; in part because respect is missing in the relationship, that, and he'd have to look at the condition of the relationship from cause.

P.S. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that most parents are so addicted to being right, and to making others wrong, that they will go to their grave without having cleaned up their relationships—zero significant withholds (suiciders and homeless people are committed to making their parents and society wrong and to feeling guilty). Typically, the mind will kill itself (most always in a socially/medically acceptable manner, i.e. beginning with "blood pressure" problems) with an unconscious intention of making the survivors feel guilty; you'll know you're among them if you dismiss this reply.

P.P.S. Be sure to tell your pastor that you questioned his/her advice.

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Last edited 12/11/21